Dark Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “Oh, honey, it’s not because of you.” She pushed my hair away from my face as I tried not to burst into tears.

  “But what if it is?” There was nothing she could say to that, so she just held me as we sped through traffic to get to the hospital.

  Rory and I held each other until the hospital. I ran in ahead of her since my legs were longer. No one was at the front desk, so she hunted down a nurse who got a little snippy when Rory demanded to know where Lucah was.

  “He’s my brother,” she said. Well, it wasn’t exactly true. He would be her brother-in-law at some point.

  The nurse gave her a look, but then told us where he was. We both ran down the hall and skidded on the tile when we got to his room.

  We both walked in, and I begged for him to be alive. I would do anything for him to be alive.

  Lucah blocked our view of Ryder, but he got to his feet when he heard us, running to hug Rory. I let go of her hand, and my feet carried me toward the man who lay in the bed. His eyes were open and fixed on my face.

  I reached the bedside and had to put my hand out to make sure he was real.

  “Hey, beautiful girl,” he said with a smile. If it was possible, he looked even weaker than he had the last time he was in the hospital.

  “I really hate hospitals,” I said, wiping my eyes. My tears would no longer be denied.

  “I know. I’m not too fond of them either.” Rory and Lucah joined us, and I started to evaluate the situation. He was in a hospital gown and had an IV in.

  I wanted to ask him what happened, but didn’t want to push him again. Ryder had far more issues than I knew about. Or maybe I knew and just didn’t want to see them. I wanted him to be this perfect sexy guy. He was still sexy, but he wasn’t perfect. Far from it.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said, looking away from me to Lucah. “Chip came over and said he just wanted to talk, but then he found some stuff in my medicine cabinet that I forgot I had, and the next thing I know, I’m waking up here.” He was leaving a lot of stuff out. The pills just didn’t jump into his mouth. He’d also made the decision to take them.

  “Are you in any legal trouble?” I asked tentatively.

  “No. Guess not, since the pills were prescribed to me.” A thought crossed my mind and I wanted to erase it as soon and I thought it.

  Maybe it would have been a good thing for him to get arrested. Although, that had already happened when he was younger and hadn’t had an effect. What was it going to take for him to get his shit together?

  A nurse came in and took Lucah aside to have a word with him. This really was déjà vu.

  “I’m okay, really. It was a stupid thing to do. I guess since I’d detoxed, the pills affected me more than they used to. So that’s why I’m here. It was just a stupid mistake.”

  I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe this would be the last time, but when I looked in his eyes, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see the resolve I needed to see.

  He wasn’t going to change. His addiction was too strong for him to fight right now.

  I didn’t say any of those things to him. I sat by his bed and fought with him for the remote and got coffee.

  I didn’t want to be here anymore. My lungs kept seizing up, and I felt like I was suffocating. Lucah called Tate and April, and they said they would be there the next morning. They had to find a sitter for their girls.

  Ryder was staying overnight, but he wouldn’t be in the hospital as long as last time. His new therapist was also on her way, and I had the feeling their sessions were going to ramp up again. He’d probably have to quit his job to focus on that. Which meant he’d lose his apartment, but he should probably get out of that anyway.

  “I think I’m going to go,” I said after midnight. The nurses kept trying to kick us out, but we’d just hide and go back to his room when they weren’t looking.

  “Really?” Ryder said, sitting up. He was already starting to look better. Guess they’d gotten the pills out of his system and he was on the mend. Again.

  “Yeah. I have to, um, work tomorrow.” I started to back toward the door without giving him a hug or anything.

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Rory asked.

  “No, I’m good,” I said.

  “Goodbye,” I said, locking eyes with Ryder.

  And then I left.

  I had another night of no sleep and woke up with two realizations. First, I was definitely in love with Ryder, and second, I could never be with him.

  I now understood what people said when they talked about the one that got away. Ryder would be that for me. He would be the guy I’d probably compare all other men to, going forward. We hadn’t even had an actual relationship, but it didn’t matter. The damage was done. My heart got involved, and that was it.

  When I finally crawled out of bed, I didn’t want to go to work. There were very few times I didn’t want to head to the studio. It was my sanctuary. My place of refuge. I didn’t even stay away when I was sick. But I didn’t have any desire to go. I called Inari and told her I wasn’t coming in.

  “What happened?”

  “Just . . . don’t feel like it.” I didn’t want to talk about Ryder today. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything. I just wanted to stay in my apartment and be by myself.

  “Okay,” she said, worry evident in her voice. “Are you absolutely sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said, doing my absolute best to sound as upbeat as possible.

  “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” She made it sound like a question.

  “Yeah. See you tomorrow.” I’d rally, but I really needed today. Just one day to mourn the relationship that wasn’t.

  I couldn’t remember the last time I spent the entire day in bed. I just lay there and flipped through the channels on my television and did nothing else. When I got tired of TV, I scrolled through Facebook and other social media outlets. I’d had a blog once upon a time that I used to post pictures of my designs on. Once I realized I barely had time to shower, let alone blog, I turned it over to my interns and Inari. I hadn’t read it lately, so I took a peek.

  Everything looked really nice and clean. Simple. Classic. The last post was from yesterday, and I scanned all the other posts. Inari really was talented. She could write, too.

  I closed out of the blog and started watching videos of cats cramming themselves into boxes, but even that didn’t make me feel better like it usually did.

  Thinking maybe I just needed some food, I went to the kitchen, but nothing appealed to me. I wasn’t hungry. Figuring I could cook anyway and feed it to my employees, I took phyllo dough out of the freezer and some preserves from the pantry. Making fruit-filled croissants was a tedious process. Just what I needed.

  The sheets of dough were thin as paper, and delicate. They had to be handled with care and concentration.

  While I had the croissants in the oven, I started a cake. I mixed two different batters together and swirled them to create a marble cake. I was going to make a cooked frosting to go on top. It required more work and concentration, which was just what I needed.

  So absorbed in my cooking, I didn’t immediately hear my phone ringing. I went to see who was calling. If it was Ryder, I wasn’t going to answer. That might be callous, but I couldn’t talk to him today. Tomorrow. I could deal with this all tomorrow.

  But it wasn’t Ryder. It was Rory.

  “Hey,” I said, forcing myself to sound as upbeat as I could.

  “Hey, you. I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. You kind of checked out last night. And I know you’re not at work because I called and Inari said you stayed home.”

  Shit.

  “Yeah, I just, um, needed a day.”

  “Sloane.”

  “What? I just need a day, Rory. Don’t I get one fucking day?” The tears I’d thought dried up last night were on the verge of falling again, and I wouldn’t let them. I wouldn’t let myself go into a full-scale wallow.


  “Okay, if you’re sure. I can come over in a heartbeat. We can eat ice cream and watch stupid movies. You’ve done it more than enough times for me.” I’d held her hand through her breakup with the guy who came to be known as King Douchebag. That had been a rough one. He’d not only treated her like shit, but cheated on her too. What was with my friends getting cheated on?

  “I’m sure. I just need a day. I’ll talk to you later. I won’t be doing dinner. Goodbye.” I hung up before she could say anything else. Try as I might, I couldn’t separate her from the Ryder situation. Given time, I’d be able to, but not right now.

  I went back to my baking, and by the time the sky got dark I had the croissants, the cake, two kinds of cookies, and a flan. Good thing I’d stocked up on baking supplies a few weeks ago. I would have gone crazy if I didn’t have everything on hand and had to go out and get something.

  I didn’t eat any of my creations. They adorned my dining table like a dessert spread. Everything looked wonderful, but I didn’t feel like eating it at the moment.

  Rory didn’t knock on my door like I thought she would. I guess she sensed my need to really and truly be by myself.

  Covered in flour and frosting, I headed to the shower. After I washed my hair, I stepped out. I was too tired to do the rest. I wrapped myself in my largest, thickest towel, and fell onto my bed. Before I knew it, I was asleep.

  My alarm woke me the next morning, and I groaned. My pillow was still wet from my hair, and the towel was on the floor. I must have tossed it off in the middle of the night.

  Sitting up, I tried to run my hand through my hair. I hadn’t bothered to brush it last night, and now it was a hopeless mess. Great. My hair was imitating my life. I sighed and got out of bed, going to the bathroom to see what I could to do make something of the thing on my head. After brushing and fighting with it, I gave up and braided it. Tight.

  I had to go to work, but I had no motivation to go today either. I needed coffee. I walked out to the kitchen and was confronted by the dessert chaos from yesterday. Shit, I was going to have to deal with all of that. As my coffee brewed, I packed up some of the desserts to take to work. I had a slim chance of unloading them on my people. Many were vegans or doing the gluten-free thing, and then there was one girl who was a fruitarian. I didn’t even know that was a real thing until she explained it to me. Eating that way could not be healthy.

  Not bothering to do my makeup, I got dressed and loaded my arms up with desserts. Today was definitely a cab day.

  “Whoa, what the hell happened to you?” Z, one of my employees asked when I walked through the door. I nearly tipped over when a few of the dessert boxes slid one way.

  “A little help?” I said. He seemed to realize that I was about to drop everything, so he took the boxes from me.

  “Thanks. Those are for everyone, by the way. I did a little baking yesterday when I wasn’t feeling well.”

  “Oh, you were sick?” Z asked, and I could feel every set of ears perked in our direction. They’d probably been taking bets on what I was doing yesterday.

  “Yes, I was sick,” I said, raising my voice. “And I was nice enough not to come in and bring it to all of you.” They were all listening, but no one had the guts to say anything.

  “Glad you’re back,” Inari said, looking like she wanted to hug me, or do something else supportive. I definitely didn’t want her to hug me.

  “Thanks. Listen, could you set out those desserts in the break room?” She nodded and followed Z. I glanced around the room, but everyone appeared to be diligently working. I’d need an update on what they’d been up to yesterday.

  I went to my office and turned on my computer. Yup, I had about a bazillion emails, and Inari had the resumes and lookbooks of some of our potential interns. Great. I couldn’t wait to go through them. Or not.

  I rested my head on my desk.

  “I know you said you didn’t want to talk, but if you change your mind, I’m here,” Inari said, poking her head through my door and handing me a cup of coffee.

  “Thanks. You’re sweet. I thought I was going to be able to deal with work today, but it’s going to be rough. Please keep the coffee coming. And if you can find any alcohol to throw in there, that would be much appreciated.”

  “I’ll see what I can do,” she said with a smile.

  “Oh, and can you give me updates on everyone in a little while?”

  “Sure thing.”

  I went back to my emails and figured if I could just do one at a time, I could make some progress. I made myself a list of things to do. On days when work was more difficult than normal, or I had to do a bunch of shitty things, I made a list. I got a rush every time I checked something off. Today was definitely a list day.

  My phone was out on my desk, and I decided to turn it off. Anyone really important would also know my office number. I very much doubted Ryder knew that number, but I couldn’t stop him from looking it up online if he wanted to.

  I stepped out of my office and motioned for Inari.

  “This is a long shot, but if Ryder calls, can you just tell him I’m busy?” I kept my voice low so no one could overhear.

  “Sure. No problem,” she said.

  I slammed my office door and got back to my emails.

  Rory called me, and I debated whether to call her back or not. I’d told her I would talk with her, but I still wasn’t ready for that. I guess I needed more than one day.

  Time to start sucking it up. I could do this. I was a strong bitch, and I’d been through much worse. I wasn’t the girl who got all bogged down with feelings about a guy I hadn’t even been dating.

  I burst out of my office and everyone went silent. Sewing machines ceased to grind.

  “What?” I said. “Get back to work.” The noise returned, but at a lower level.

  Inari came over and handed me my next cup of coffee.

  “So. Progress updates?” I asked. She took me through the previous day.

  “I cracked the whip, but I’m not as good at it as you are,” she said.

  “You’ll learn.”

  I took a trip around the room to make sure everything was going the way it was supposed to go. Machines churned and every now and then someone poked themselves with a needle and had to go to the sink to rinse off the blood. The chatter was just a low murmur. I liked to keep things pretty quiet. Bolts of fabric in vibrant colors were lined up against one wall. I really needed to get a few people to organize them again. I had a system, but it was seldom followed, which lead to the chaos I was currently looking at.

  The phone rang, and Inari rushed to answer it.

  “Sloane? It’s Eva Clarke,” she said, holding the phone up for me.

  “Great, I’ll take it in my office.” She transferred the call to my private line and I picked up as I sat in my office chair, swiveling back and forth.

  “Hello, Eva, what can I do for you?” I asked.

  “Hello, Sloane dear, I was just calling to let you know that I have a few potential venues for you.” Good, that was on my to-do list for today.

  “Great, that’s fantastic. Thank you so much,” I said. She went through three places, with descriptions and prices and locations. The second, a church that had been converted into an event hall, sounded perfect.

  “I’ve seen it myself, and it’s absolutely lovely. If you mention my name to Jennifer, the event coordinator, I’m sure she can give you a good deal. And if she doesn’t give you a good deal, let me know and I’ll make it happen.” Yet another reason I loved Eva. She broke out the bitch when she needed to get something done.

  She had to run to get to a meeting, so I hung up and crossed FIND EVENT VENUE off my list. I was kicking ass today.

  The rest of the day was a blur. I couldn’t remember the last time I got so much done in one work day.

  Not wanting to go back to my apartment where thoughts of Ryder were sure to creep in, I made up my mind to stay at the studio. I had enough food and so forth in the fridge, and
the couch in my office was more than comfortable.

  I still hadn’t turned on my phone, but the temptation was overwhelming.

  I hoped Ryder was okay. I might not want to be with him, or even see him, but I still wanted to know he was getting better.

  Finally, I caved and turned it on. I had several texts from Rory, one from Lucah, and there it was. One from Ryder. Three words.

  I’m so sorry.

  Shit, I shouldn’t have read it. Memories of the night before crashed down on me, and I broke down, sobbing into a pillow. I had to keep myself together. Had to.

  This wasn’t going to be easy.

  I woke the next morning when my employees started crashing through the door. Rising from the couch, I went to get a set of spare clothes that I kept here for emergencies. I could take a shower in the bathroom, but I didn’t feel like it. I brushed my hair out, pinned it back, and then redid my makeup. Popping a piece of mint gum in my mouth, I walked out and greeted everyone.

  “Did you stay the night here?” Inari asked, speaking in a low voice.

  “Yeah. Didn’t feel like going home.”

  “Are you absolutely, positively sure you don’t want to talk?” I thought about saying no again, but I had no one to talk to. Normally I would have gone to Rory, but I couldn’t right now. For reasons.

  “That would be great,” I said with a sigh.

  “Lovely. How about we go out and get some breakfast?” She’d already given my coffee, but I hadn’t eaten anything yet.

  “That would be great.” I pulled Kelly aside and told her she was in charge, and that if everyone sat around gossiping and didn’t get anything done by the time I came back, I would be highly displeased.

  “As long as we don’t go to that little coffee place up the street. Anywhere else.” I associated that place with Ryder.

  “Sure thing. There’s this new place that just opened up. It’s a nice day, so why don’t we walk?” Her tone was soft but not patronizing. She was going to make a great mother someday. I knew she’d been trying with her husband, but they hadn’t had any luck yet.