Dark Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “Sounds good.” We were both bundled up and the wind wasn’t too bad today, so the walk was pleasant.

  I looked over at her. “You remember Ryder, right?”

  “How could I forget?” she said with a laugh.

  “You’re right. He’s pretty unforgettable.” Talking about him didn’t feel good. It felt awful, but I’d already started so I had to continue.

  “Anyway, the other night he kissed me. It was totally unexpected and out of the blue. I got mad at him for kissing me because he couldn’t seem to decide how he felt about me, so I called him and gave him an ultimatum via voicemail. I know it sounds silly, but I just needed to be somewhere that wasn’t my apartment last night.” I had to take a breath before I continued the rest of the story. I glossed over a lot of the hospital stuff, but she got the gist of it.

  “And now I can’t even think about him without wanting to cry and scream and throw a tantrum. He just makes me so crazy,” I said. There. I’d done it.

  “That must be hard,” she said. “I’m sorry you’re going through that.”

  “Yeah, me too. And I knew it wasn’t going to work out. I knew from the very start. But I was too attracted to him to ignore it. I thought that I could just sort of have a fling with him, but then I started having deeper feelings, and everything just got so fucked up.” I wished I could go back in time and warn myself about him. Not that I would have listened.

  “I always seem to attract guys who are bad for me.” My last few relationships (if you could call them that) were all disasters.

  Inari sighed. “I hear you. I was the same way my freshman year. I think I went through three or four guys, all complete fuck-ups. That was sort of my learning year as I call it. But when I dated those awful guys, it made me think about what I really wanted, and when I met my husband, he had all those qualities and then some.” She winked at me.

  “Nice. I wish I could have learned, but I can’t seem to. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

  Inari laughed. “No. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re human.”

  “I don’t want to be human.” I hated making mistakes, but I just kept making them.

  “Well, first things first,” I said, “I have to stay far away from Ryder. He’s like my . . . what is that stuff that Superman is allergic to?” Rory would know. She’s more of a sci-fi nerd than I was.

  “Kryptonite. But actually, it’s only a certain kind of kryptonite that he’s allergic to,” she said. “Wow, is my nerd showing?”

  “A little. But that’s cool. Anyway, Ryder is my kryptonite. I have to stay away from him.” This was my new mantra.

  “You can do it,” Inari said with a little fist pump. “I believe in you.”

  I shoved her a little.

  “Shut up.”

  Over eggs Benedict, Inari told me about her relationship disasters. It was nice to be talking about someone else’s past mistakes instead of my own for a change.

  “And then he told me he was gay and was just using me so his parents wouldn’t find out. I don’t know why he kept suggesting that we have dinner with them. And he was only affectionate when they were around. God, I was young and stupid.”

  “Hey, we’ve all been there.” True, I hadn’t dated a gay guy, but I’d had a crush on one until he introduced me to his boyfriend. Talk about awkward.

  I hated to admit it, but unburdening myself to Inari had made me feel better. And having her sympathy was also nice. It made me feel far less crazy.

  “I just have to keep my focus on work. Oh, I found a venue today. It’s an old church that’s been converted.”

  “We should totally go check it out,” she said, finishing her orange juice. I’d thought about getting a mimosa, but figured it set a bad precedent for my other employees if I showed back up at work wasted.

  “You know, that sounds like a really good idea. I forget that sometimes I need to get out of the studio.” I also needed to start designing again.

  “That’s the spirit. Get up, get out, get busy.”

  I paid the bill with my company credit card since it was a “working breakfast,” and we headed to check out the church. It was too far to walk, so we took the T.

  “So this is it,” I said as we walked up to a cute little white church sandwiched between an investment firm and a nightclub. This was definitely a swanky part of Boston.

  “Oh look, it has stained glass,” Inari said. She pointed to the windows in the front.

  “It’s so sweet. Do you think God will smite us for having a lingerie fashion show here?” I looked up at the sky, hoping I wasn’t going to get struck by lightning. That would definitely be a bad sign.

  “Probably not. I think he’s got better things to do with his time. War, famine, and all that,” she said as we walked up the steps and through a side door.

  “Hello, may I help you?” said the woman who sat at the desk in the entryway. The interior was painted in glaring white, and all the furniture was metal and industrial and cool. Totally at odds with the high ceilings and stained glass, but somehow it worked.

  “Yes, my name is Sloane Harris. I’m here to see Pam Dwyer,” I said, using the name Eva had given me.

  The receptionist got to her feet and smiled. She had a headset on and hit a button on it.

  “Pam? There’s someone here to see you,” she said, and then listened.

  “If you want to take a seat, she’ll be right with you. Can I get you anything?” I was still full from breakfast, so I said I was fine. Inari also waived the offer.

  We sat down in metal chairs and waited. I finally noticed the music.

  “What’s that? I mean, I know it’s a church, but the music doesn’t really go with the décor, which is actually kind of cool.” I said to Inari.

  “It’s a hymn. One of my mother’s favorites.” She tilted her head to the side, listening. “Wow, this brings back memories,” she said.

  A door opened and a woman came out. I knew immediately why she was friends with Eva. They were cut from the same cloth. Her hair was perfectly dyed blonde and pinned back from a face that exhibited some of the most exquisite cheekbones I’d ever seen on a human being.

  I rose to my feet and held my hand out.

  “Sloane, it’s nice to meet you. Eva gave me a call and said you might be stopping by. What can I do for you?” she asked, straightening her already straight jacket.

  I explained what I needed and she offered to take me on a tour.

  “We’ve actually had shows here before, so we can fix it to work for you. We’ve got changing areas in the back and plenty of chairs, and we even have a runway we can set up.”

  She led us into the main part of the church (I knew it had a name, but my parents weren’t religious so my knowledge of churches was extremely limited) where the show would be held.

  I stifled a gasp. The space was amazing. The ceiling was so high that everything echoed. Windows on either side let in tons of light. This was the perfect backdrop for my garments. Perfect.

  Inari squealed in excitement, and I finally brought up the issue of money. I had some saved and set aside for the show, but I was working with a tight budget.

  Pam led us back to her office and we talked numbers. I didn’t have to push too hard for her to agree to give me a ten percent discount. Score. And she had an opening in a month, which was insane. I couldn’t plan a fashion show in a month.

  Pam scanned her computer. “Okay, the next one we have is . . . oh, not for six months. We’re really booked up during the holiday season. Unless you could do next month.”

  Shit. I couldn’t wait six months. I shared a look with Inari.

  “Okay, I’ll take that spot then. The one next month,” I said, panic starting to set in.

  “You can do it,” Inari whispered to me as Pam printed out the invoice for the deposit to hold the date.

  I didn’t have faith that I could, but now I was going to have to. This would be good. I’d have to throw myself into planning and
working, and I wouldn’t even have time to ponder or think about Ryder. It was going to be all fashion, all the time. Perfect.

  I shook hands with Pam and said I’d be back next week to talk about lighting and chairs and so forth. I’d designed shows before, but I wanted to do something different for this one. Something awesome.

  “This is going to be epic,” I said to Inari as we went back to the studio.

  “I know,” she said, giving me a fist bump.

  The next night there was a knock at my door. I knew who it was before I’d even answered it. I’d been avoiding Rory for days, and I couldn’t anymore. I’d cut Ryder out of my life, not my best friend.

  “Hey,” I said, opening the door. “I’m sorry I’ve been MIA.”

  She held her arms out and hugged me. “I know. I’m sorry too. I wish this wasn’t the situation we’re in, but here we are.” She came in, and I shut the door.

  “Whoa. What’s with all the baked goods?” I still had a ton of them lying around. My stupid employees were apparently all boycotting sugar or something.

  “I made a bunch of breakup cakes¸” I said with a grim smile. That was what I used to do when one of my friends would break up with a guy. I wasn’t great in a crisis, but at least I could bake a cake.

  “I see that.” She seemed wary, as if anything she said was going to upset me.

  “It’s okay, Rory. It is what it is.”

  She sat down on the couch and slipped off her red heels. “I hate it when people say that, but in this case it’s true. God, I’m exhausted,” Rory said. We were carefully avoiding talking about the R word.

  “Work?” I asked.

  “Yes, and other things.”

  I sat down beside her and took a breath. “Look, we’re going to have to talk about him, so let’s just get it over with. How is he?” I had trouble saying his name out loud.

  “He’s . . . um . . . he’s staying with us. Again. Not just because of what happened, but also because he got kicked out of his place. He hadn’t been paying his rent.”

  “What? I thought he was working.”

  She shook her head. “No. He lost his job three days after he got it. Lucah thought about going to check on him to make sure he was still there, but I told him that was a little too intrusive.” That explained a lot.

  “So what was he doing when he was supposed to be working?” I asked.

  Rory shrugged. “No idea. He said he was just walking around, but who could walk around for twenty-five hours a week? It’s just so hard to tell with him. He’s a good liar.” Yes. He was a good liar. At least I wasn’t the only one who had fallen for it.

  “Wow,” I said.

  “Yeah. It’s been really tense, Sloane. I’ve missed you so much.” She looked like she was about to cry.

  “Lucah is just so upset all the time, and Ryder does nothing but lie in bed, and this is supposed to be a happy time for me. I’m supposed to be planning my wedding. That might sound selfish, but I don’t care. Every time I think things are getting back to normal, they blow up again.” Now I was the one offering the hug.

  “I’m sorry, babe. I should have called you back.”

  She shook her head and wiped her eyes, careful not to smear her mascara.

  “It’s okay. You’re here now and we’re okay. Do you mind if we just have dinner with the two of us tonight? I can’t take another meal with those two.” Poor thing.

  “Absolutely. And we can stuff our faces.”

  She sniffed and smiled. “I can’t. I have to get skinny to fit into my wedding dress.” She had to be joking. Rory was curvy and gorgeous. She didn’t need to lose a single pound.

  “You’re messing with me,” I said, and she grinned.

  “Yup. Lucah would kill me if I lost any weight, especially if it was from my ass.” True.

  “So what you’re telling me is that I should make your dress assless, so you can show off the goods?”

  She put on a serious expression. “Absolutely.”

  I didn’t ask what Lucah and Ryder were doing, or where they thought Rory was. I hoped they weren’t going to be taking any trips down the hall to come and visit.

  “Don’t worry. I told Lucah I needed some time,” she said as if she’d read my mind.

  “Oh, that’s fine.” Tonight I didn’t want to make my usual fancy meal. Okay, so I was still being a little fancy, putting truffles on a four cheese pizza and serving an arugula salad as a side.

  “So, if we have a salad with pizza, those two things cancel each other out, right?” Rory said, sipping a glass of Prosecco I’d found in the back of my cabinets.

  “They do. I think it’s been proven in a study,” I said, sprinkling the cheese on top of the pizza crust and then adding the bits of chopped truffle. I was going to drizzle truffle oil on it as well. Orgasmic.

  “Well, as long as there’s a study.” Her phone went off, and she read the message that came in with a frown.

  “Everything okay?” I asked as I shoved the pizza in the oven.

  “Yeah, fine.” She set the phone down and looked up at me.

  “Sure, I believe you,” I said, setting the timer for the pizza to bake.

  “It was Lucah. He’s just . . . he’s having issues with Ryder. I swear, that boy is twenty-three but acts like a toddler. I’ve had to stop myself from screaming at him on several occasions. At least this time he’s not trying to catch me naked in the shower.” She rolled her eyes and drained her glass. I filled it back up for her. “He’s just so damn frustrating,” she said, slamming her fist on the counter.

  “Yeah, I know,” I said. He was more than frustrating. He was sexy and funny and confusing, and an asshole and damaged and a wreck.

  But I still loved him.

  “Do you think, maybe, that you’ll be able to get to a good place with him?” she asked, sipping her Prosecco.

  “I don’t know,” I said, being honest. “I really don’t know. It’s only been a few days and it’s all too much to think about. I’m concentrating on work right now.” I told her about the fashion show, and she got really excited.

  “Thank your mom for me. I got a really good deal, so I’m not going to have to sell my organs online to try and pay for it.”

  Rory laughed. “I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

  “Never,” I said, raising my fist. “Ye can take our lives, but ye cannae take my sarcasm!” Yet another thing that qualified Rory as excellent best friend material was her ability to laugh at my jokes, no matter how bad they were.

  “Christ, I’ve missed you. I know it’s been, like, two days but damn. Let’s promise to never do that again,” she said.

  I grabbed her hands and held them in mine, looking deeply into her eyes.

  “I promise that I will never forsake you for anything, Rory soon-to-be Clarke-Blythe.”

  She stared back at me and squeezed my hands. “And I promise that I will never forsake you either, my dearest friend.” Of course we both cracked and ended up laughing.

  “You know, there should really be a thing that friends can do that’s like marriage. The closest thing to commitment I can think of is getting matching tattoos,” I said.

  Her eyes lit up. “Um, that is actually a fantastic idea.”

  I didn’t think she’d be up for it, which was why I never mentioned it before now.

  “Really? You’d seriously ink yourself with me?”

  “Hell yes. I mean, if I can get my lady bits pierced, I can get a tattoo.” That was right, I forgot she had that done. One of those post-breakup things. I hoped I didn’t do something like that, although I hadn’t technically broken up with Ryder.

  “Okay, then. We’re doing this.” I held my fist out and she bumped it with hers.

  “We’re doing it.”

  The timer dinged and we raced to get the pizza out.

  “I’m so starving. I barely had lunch today,” she said as we stared at the still-bubbling cheese on top of the pizza.

  “If we e
at it now, we’re just going to burn our mouths and that would definitely not be fun,” I said. This was torture.

  “Maybe we should stop staring at it,” she said, and we both turned our backs on the pizza.

  “Salad. We should eat our salad first,” I said, and handed her a bowl filled with arugula, parmesan, fresh figs, and almonds with an olive oil dressing.

  “The worst thing about salad is that it isn’t pizza,” Rory said, glaring at the bowl of greens.

  “That is true. But if we eat all our salad, we can eat as much pizza as we want.”

  “Is that from another study?” Rory asked as she poked at the salad with her fork.

  “Yup.”

  “Is it bad that I don’t want to go back to my fiancé?” Rory said after we’d demolished the entire pizza. To be fair, it was a thin crust, so there wasn’t much to it in the first place.

  “That depends. Do you never want to go back to him, or do you just not want to go back to him tonight?”

  She thought about it. “Ugh. If only I wasn’t in love with him,” she said.

  “Yeah, that can definitely put a wrench in things,” I said. Fucking love. Ruined lives.

  “It’s that damn chin dimple, I swear. And the singing. And the red hair. And the tongue ring.” She could go on forever.

  “And everything?” I asked.

  “Yeah. And everything. I should really get back. Hopefully they haven’t killed each other. Although, that would solve a lot of my problems.”

  “Yeah, but then you’d have two bodies on your hands you have to dispose of.”

  She sighed. “You’re right. That would be even more work. Oh well. Thanks for dinner and for listening.”

  “Anytime, girlfriend,” I said. She headed out the door and down the hall, back to Lucah and Ryder.

  He was here. I had a feeling that was going to happen. This time, though, I wouldn’t be finding reasons to go down the hall to get a glimpse of Ryder and maybe have a word with him. I was going to avoid that door like it was infected with the plague.