Stay

by Jennifer Sucevic

  My eyes flick towards Brooklyn just as Austin slides in next to her. Looking hopeful, his lips curve up. But Brooklyn’s deep scowl is enough to knock the tentative smile right off his face.

  I have to nip my lip with my teeth to keep from laughing because I get the feeling that this is Brooklyn’s way of torturing him. “Um, I’m not sure.”

  Uncaring of those around us, Cole leans over again, pressing his lips against mine before murmuring softly, “last night wasn’t enough to persuade you to sleep in my bed from now on?”

  Actually, it had been more than enough to convince me that I never want to sleep anywhere else. Ever. But he needs to accept me for who I am, all of my mistakes and indiscretions, and I’m still not sure if that will happen.

  When I don’t immediately answer, he says, “Cassidy?”

  “Yes,” I reply softly hoping that Brooklyn and Austin are still occupied with their own drama and not paying any attention to us. When I finally glance over at them, Brooklyn is silently shredding the last of her salad with a fork and Austin is slumped unhappily next to her.

  “How about I pick you up after practice?” Again his fingers toy with mine and I love it. I love the way he’s always touching me.

  I nod, knowing that I can’t let him distract me like he did last night. No matter what, I have to force the words out.

  “Alright, I’ll see you then.” He glances at Austin before giving me a quick little wink, “You ready to go?”

  Austin gazes at Brooklyn with his version of sad puppy dog eyes as if that will somehow thaw her iciness towards him. It won’t. And by this point, he probably knows it. “Yeah,” he sighs with just a hint of frustration, “let’s go.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  It feels so good to fly down the ice with the puck before snapping it into the net with a quick flick of my wrist. When I’m out here, I can shut everything off and just focus on the game. I can lose myself in the physical exertion of it all.

  “You suck, Jameson!”

  Our goalie shakes her head back and forth clearly irritated that I was able to slip another puck past her defenses. I grin around my neon pink mouth guard before skating back to center ice. Sammy glides over before slapping me on the shoulder. I wince from the impact.

  “Nice goal, Jameson. The team really seems to be shaping up. I think we’re going to have an awesome season this year- glad you decided to join us.”

  That makes two of us. Because playing with this group of girls is quickly turning out to be one of the best things in my life. I can’t believe just how much I’m enjoying hockey again. And somehow Cole figured that out and found a way to give it to me.

  I huff out a tired breath as both of us glide to center ice for another face off. We continue scrimmaging for another forty minutes. Half way through, I glance up into the bleachers and almost stumble as my eyes zero in on a lone figure watching practice.

  Squinting, I try getting a better look. My eyes have to be playing tricks on me because I think… I think Luke is sitting up there.

  And it feels as if his eyes are trained right on me. A thin shiver of unease slithers its way down my spine before I abruptly turn away, thankful that there’s just a number plastered across the back of my practice jersey and not my name.

  Why is he sitting up there?

  Is he here watching me?

  The last question bothers me the most. Brooklyn’s words from earlier today echo hollowly throughout my head. I don’t want him causing problems between Cole and me.

  Seeing him here at practice, running into him on campus earlier today… it can’t just be a coincidence. There’s a reason he sought me out today and there’s a reason that he’s sitting in the stands watching me now. Gulping I try forcing him out of my mind but I can’t. For the remainder of practice, I can’t stop wondering what he wants. It’s those very thoughts that have me losing focus. They cause me to miss shots I could have easily made. Or miss an edge on my skate which then sends me tumbling down. Every couple of minutes, I’m glancing nervously over my shoulder, checking to see if he’s still there.

  And every time I do, it feels as if my eyes catch his.

  As soon as the buzzer goes off, calling an end to practice, I jump off the ice and race to the locker room where I quickly shower and change. I’m almost afraid to return to the rink. I’m terrified that he’ll be out there waiting for me.

  How did he know I was playing hockey again?

  Is he following me?

  Another thin shiver slips down my spine.

  Sammy is just sliding into her skinny jeans when I ask, “Did you notice a guy up in the stands watching us?” Striving for casual, I still hear the slight tremble that threads its way through my voice.

  Looking unconcerned, she shrugs. “Sometimes people watch us practice. It’s not a big deal.” She eyes me for a moment. “Do you know who it was?”

  Biting down on my lower lip, I’m not really sure if I should tell her or not. Is it possible that I’m just overreacting? “I think it was one of the guys from the men’s hockey team- Luke something or other.”

  Tying her shoes, she nods her head. “Yeah, I know him. He’s new this year, just transferred in. Went to a big school out East. Wasn’t getting enough playing time, so he left.” She flashes me a big grin. “I got the lowdown from Cole cause that boy is smoking hot with a capital H.” She wiggles her brows as she purrs out the words.

  “Does he have a girlfriend?” Maybe he’s here watching someone else. Is it possible that I’m just a paranoid freak on top of everything else? I’m kind of hoping that’s the case.

  Sammy raises a brow. “Not that I know of.” Her smile slowly diminishes as her eyes narrow. “Why? Are you interested?” She looks suspicious which almost makes me laugh because I want to stay as far away from Luke as I can possibly get. And I sure as hell don’t want to date him. Or be with him. Or have anything to do with him.

  Quickly I shake my head. As much as I like Sammy, I’m not about to confide the actual truth. “No, not at all.”

  Slamming her locker door shut, she says, “Good, because my cousin really likes you and,” she pauses, flexing her pipes, “I’d definitely have to kick your ass if you hurt him. That guy is like a brother to me.”

  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Sammy couldn’t wipe the floor with me. She’s a total hard ass. But she’s a likable hard ass. As long as you stay on her good side, that is. “I won’t hurt him.” Even as I say the words, I hope they’re true.

  “Good, because he’s been hurt enough.” She eyes me for a moment before packing up her bag. “Has he told you anything about Jackie?”

  Jackie… I would have definitely remembered if Cole had brought up another girl. “No, he hasn’t mentioned her.” At all. And then I suddenly wonder if she’s the one he had referred to after the party when we were sitting in his car outside the dorm. It had kind of sounded like she had cheated on him. But he hasn’t mentioned her since then.

  Sammy nods her head as if she’s not surprised. “He doesn’t like to talk about her.”

  I really shouldn’t pump Sammy for information about Cole, especially when I haven’t exactly been forthcoming with my own background. But I just can’t resist. I want to know what happened between them. “Were they together long?”

  Sammy laughs before shaking her head. “Yeah, they were friends for most their lives and then dated in high school. They split last year. It was pretty ugly.”

  Her words have me sinking down onto the wooden bench in surprise. “Oh.” Friends their entire lives? Dated throughout high school? That sounds serious. “What happened?”

  She holds my eyes for a long moment as if debating whether or not to tell me. “You know what, I shouldn’t have mentioned anything.” She pulls her long blonde hair up into a high ponytail. “If you have questions, you need to talk to Cole about it. I guess I just wanted you to know that he hasn’t dated anyone seriously since Jackie and he really seems into you… so don’t hu
rt him. That bitch put him through the wringer last year. He deserves a nice girl.” Her lips finally turn up at the corners. “And I think that girl is you.”

  My insides twist painfully as I nod my head.

  But I haven’t always been a nice girl… Because nice girls don’t get wasted and sleep around.

  Hauling her bag onto her shoulder, she finally asks, “You ready to head out? Do you need a ride home?”

  The thought of getting into the deathtrap that Sammy calls a car is enough to unsettle my stomach. “Ah, no, Cole is picking me up.” Feeling preoccupied, I can’t stop thinking about what she just revealed. I guess we both have our secrets.

  Oblivious to my churning thoughts, a big smile spreads across her face. “Well come on then, let’s get the hell out of here.”

  As we push out of the locker room door into the ice rink, I can’t help but quickly scan the bleachers that flank the rink. Another team is already warming up, skating through drills. A few people dot the stands but there’s no sign of Luke. I quickly release a sigh of relief.

  Once we’re in the lobby, I finally begin to loosen up. There’s still no sign of Luke anywhere which only makes me wonder if he was really there to begin with. Instead of dwelling on it, I shake off the paranoia and head for the parking lot with Sammy at my side. Cole is waiting for me right at the curb.

  He pops open the trunk and I throw my bag inside before closing it and waving goodbye to Sammy. Then I slide into the front seat beside him. Leaning over, Cole greets me with a soft kiss. His warm lips slant across mine as he pulls my body close.

  After a heated moment, he whispers, “I missed you.”

  Not waiting for a reply, his mouth crashes down upon mine and then all I can think about is him. For a heartbeat or maybe twenty of them, I’m lost. Completely and utterly lost in him. And as much as I want to feel him pressing against me, as much as I want to forget about Luke and my past… I just can’t. Not tonight. I need to tell him the truth. I want to get it out before things go any further between us.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I gently push against the solid wall of his chest. When he finally realizes what I’m trying to do, he pulls back until he’s able to meet my eyes.

  “We need to talk.”

  Smiling, his fingers steal over my face. “Okay, what do you want to talk about?” He smirks just a bit as his eyes drop to my lips.

  I glance around the parking lot not really wanting to have this conversation here. “Is there somewhere more private we can go?”

  His eyes snap back up to mine before he carefully searches my gaze as if only now realizing that what I need to tell him is important. “Sure.” Reaching over, he slides the seatbelt across my chest. “Sounds serious.”

  I inhale a deep breath as those familiar feelings of anxiety prickle their way along my flesh. A thick ball of nervousness mushrooms in the pit of my belly as my eyes flicker to his. “I promised to tell you what happened last year and that’s what I’m going to do.”

  All the humor leaves him as he nods his head just once before pulling my hand onto his lap and holding it there.

  We drive for about ten minutes. The heavy silence that settles between us is nothing short of oppressive. By the time he finally pulls off into a dark gravel parking lot that faces a small lake, I’m so tightly strung with nerves that my stomach is churning. Cutting the engine, he releases his seatbelt, then mine before finally turning towards me. Gentle moonlight filters in through the windows illuminating his golden eyes as they hold mine.

  My heart riots painfully in my chest as I gulp in a huge breath. I just need to get this over with.

  Cole tightens his hold on my fingers as if he’s unwilling to let me go. His other hand tenderly slides its way across my cheek until he’s cradling it. Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I lean into the warmth of his palm.

  “Cassidy.” Whispering my name, he waits for me to finally meet his gaze. Only then does he say, “Whatever you have to tell me, it doesn’t matter. Okay?” His eyes search mine. “It doesn’t matter at all.”

  God but I wish that were true. “It does matter,” I murmur sadly because what I need to tell him will change his perception of me and I hate the thought of that happening.

  Shaking his head, a small smile curves his lips upward. “I already told you that I’m falling for you, whatever you have to tell me isn’t going to change that. I promise.”

  I want so very badly to believe him. “I just need to get this out, okay? I want you to understand what happened last year and then you can decide for yourself if it matters. But I have to say it.”

  In answer, he leans forward, taking my lips softly with his own. His tongue slips gently inside my mouth, mingling and dancing with my own. I groan, wanting so much more of him. Wanting every single piece of him.

  Finally pulling away, I put some much needed distance between us because if I don’t, I’ll get lost in him again. With Cole it’s just way too easy. “Please,” I gasp, “let me get this out. It’s eating me up inside.”

  Not allowing me to put anymore space between us, his lips slant down as he finally nods. One hand goes to my shoulder as the other continues stroking my cheek. His eyes hold mine tenderly.

  God, I feel like I’m going to totally blindside him with this.

  Taking a deep breath, I begin pushing it out slowly. Part of me isn’t even sure where to begin. Especially with him watching me so closely, it just makes me feel like a bundle of tightly wound nerves. Feeling the slight tremor run through my body, Cole squeezes my shoulder a little tighter as if trying to anchor me to him. “I’m- I’m not a freshman like you think I am… well, technically, credit-wise, I am but age-wise, I’m almost twenty… like you.”

  His brows draw together. “Okay.”

  Quickly gulping down another breath, I force the words out because right now they’re trying to stick in my throat. “I graduated from high school the same year you did.” And then I say it. “I was at Dartmouth last year.”

  “Dartmouth?” He repeats the word slowly almost as if tasting it on his lips. I can almost see his mind tumbling back to the restaurant and Luke asking if I’d attended that school… and me denying it, lying about it. I see the exact moment it crosses his face. The way his expression clouds.

  His penetrating gaze continues searching mine. “So you and Luke were at the same school last year?”

  Embarrassed for lying, I give him a quick nod before adding, “Just for the first semester.”

  He looks completely confused by what I’ve just revealed. “I don’t understand why you would lie about it.”

  Of course he doesn’t.

  “That’s what I need to explain.” My heart is thumping so harshly under my breast that it actually feels painful. I remind myself to take slow, even breaths. To calm myself from the inside out or there is no way I’ll be able to get through all this.

  Cole is falling in love with the girl he thinks I am. Can he fall in love with the girl who made all the mistakes? And then kept them from him?

  Something almost shatters within me at the thought. Because I don’t know… I’m not sure. And so when I start, it’s from the beginning. Because I really don’t know any other way to make him understand.

  “Ever since I was a little girl, my dad talked about me playing hockey somewhere out East. Once I became older, that school became Dartmouth. That was the goal I was always working towards. I’m sure you know what it’s like,” my eyes sift through his in the darkness of the car searching for some measure of understanding, “to commit yourself to your sport.” He gives a little nod of his head as I continue. “I ate, slept, practiced and went to school. That’s it. I dedicated myself to hockey to the point of excluding everything else. There was always so much pressure on me to succeed, to excel, to push through to next level.”

  Cole nods again as if he understands but says nothing in response so I plunge on, just wanting to purge myself of all the lies and omissions. “When I finally committed to Dart
mouth in the fall of my senior year, I thought some of the pressure would finally be off or at least it would ease up a bit. That maybe I could relax and have some fun… but that didn’t happen. In fact, knowing that I was heading off to Dartmouth in August only made everything worse. I needed to keep my grades high and my dad had me working out every day in addition to all the team practices. He said that playing at the next level would be tough, the competition more challenging, and that I needed to train even harder. I had to be physically prepared.” Almost helplessly I shrug my shoulders as I remember all the work, all the sacrifices I’d made to get there.

  Sacrifices I had then pissed away.

  “I spent the entire summer working out with trainers and skating with private coaches. I swam and ran for extra conditioning. That’s it. When I finally left for college in August, I was exhausted. Burnt out.” I had been in the best physical shape of my life but I was a miserable, stressed out mess. “And my dad had been right. Playing at the college level was even more challenging. I was skating with and against girls who’d been playing for two or three years in college. Instead of being at the top of my game and one of the best players out on the ice, I was barely holding my own. No matter how hard I worked, it was never enough. And then there was school. It didn’t take long before I was drowning in my classes.” I shake my head remembering just how rigorous the workload had been. “I think if I hadn’t been playing hockey, I could have focused on my classes. My grades wouldn’t have been perfect but at least they would have been…” my words trail off as I get tangled up in the painful memories. For just a moment I sit there silently before I’m able to mentally shake myself out of it and take another breath. “Not only was I failing in my classes, I was failing at hockey too….”

  Everything from last year suddenly comes crashing down on me. It’s Cole’s soft voice that breaks through the chaotic jumble of my thoughts.

  “I can understand all of that, Cassidy. I’ve felt the very same kind of pressure to succeed as you did. What I don’t understand is why you would lie to me about it.”