Stay

by Jennifer Sucevic

  I suck in another deep breath determined to push it all out. “Because that’s not the worst of it.”

  “So tell me the worst of it, Cassidy. Tell me what happened. Tell me what changed you so much.” He’d claimed just a short time ago that whatever I had to tell him didn’t matter but I could see in his eyes that it did. I could hear it in his voice. Maybe now he’s starting to realize that I’m not the girl he thinks I am.

  And he’s right… I’m not.

  “About a month or so into the semester, I was already failing some of my classes. I studied, but it didn’t seem to matter. I was always behind. And no matter how hard I worked at practice, it just wasn’t enough. I had never…” God it was so hard to wrap my lips around the words. Even now… almost a year later. “I had never failed. And now I was failing across the board. And I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t tell my dad what was going on because he was so proud of me. Of what I had accomplished. I didn’t know the coaches very well or… anyone really. I was far from home and I just felt so...” I shake my head remembering how alone I’d felt, “isolated.”

  “Cassidy, that’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Cole cuts in quietly. “I understand how that could happen. Going away, all the pressure. I just wish you hadn’t felt like you needed to keep all this from me.”

  Very gently he pulls me to him before pressing his lips against my forehead.

  As much as I appreciate the gesture, I slowly untangle myself from him. “Even though I had requested to room with someone from the hockey team, that didn’t happen. My roommate’s name was Amy. She was really nice but we didn’t exactly have a lot in common. She liked to party and I’d always considered myself a serious athlete. I didn’t drink or do drugs. I worked out all the time and was focused on my sport. In the beginning, she would ask if I wanted to go out with her and her friends but I always said no. The weekends were when I tried to get caught up on homework. After a while, she just stopped asking. But when everything started falling apart, I guess maybe she could see how stressed out I was. She asked me to come out with them one night… to loosen up. Get some perspective. So I decided- why not? I mean, it felt like my life was pretty much caving in around my head. So I went out with them.”

  My eyes arrow to his. “I got so wasted that I couldn’t even get out of bed until two o’clock the next afternoon.” Again I shake my head remembering just how hung over I’d been. I’d never had alcohol before, so it hadn’t taken much. “But that night was the first time in I don’t know how long that I could actually remember having fun. I wasn’t thinking about my classes or playing hockey or my dad. I didn’t feel lonely anymore. It felt good. So good, that when next Thursday night rolled around, I went out with Amy and her friends again. And I continued doing that. A few weeks later I met Nate. He was in some fraternity and I’d seen him around. Up until Nate, I’d never been with anyone.” My eyes slide to his. “I had barely even kissed a guy before him.” Even though Cole doesn’t say anything, his body tenses.

  “Nate was my first.” My eyes drop to my hands that lay twisting in my lap. “Honestly I don’t even remember much about it except that it was fast. And not very good.” Grimacing, I remember it actually feeling awkward and kind of painful. “Which is probably why he moved on pretty quickly after that.” I inhale another deep breath knowing that we’re finally getting to the part I just want to forget about. “There were a few other guys after that.” I force myself to say the words even though they prick me like a knife. “Just random hook ups. None of them meant anything. But somehow, they dulled the pain and everything was okay for a little bit.” Feeling embarrassed, I stare out the window into the surrounding darkness. “It was stupid really. I would get so trashed that I usually couldn’t remember much of what happened the next morning.” That last part has my face heating. God, I sound like such a slut. And that’s not me. It was never me… not really… but I did those things. And I can’t take them back.

  Glancing up, I finally skewer his gaze with my own but he doesn’t say a word. His face is completely shuttered and that scares me more than anything because I have absolutely no idea what he’s thinking. What he thinks about me. Which feels strange because Cole has such an expressive face. He’s always so open with his feelings.

  My heart squeezes in response.

  “I was still going to my classes because I thought that somehow I’d be able to pull off passing grades.” Shaking my head, I laugh but it’s one filled with sadness. What an idiot I’d been. “I seriously have no idea how I thought that was going to happen. I must have been in denial. And I was still showing up for practice but I was missing more and more of them. The coach was all over me. My teammates wouldn’t talk to me but they sure enjoyed talking about me. Rumors were already flying around. All the girls on the team knew what was going on and I’m sure they talked to the coaches about it. But no one ever tried helping me. I just kept sinking further and further. Towards the end of the semester, I had missed so many practices that the coach finally kicked me off the team. I didn’t know how to tell my father. I couldn’t even imagine how furious he was going to be.”

  Cole’s hands are still on me, but I no longer feel connected to him. Even though moonlight is filtering in through the darkness, I can’t read his expression. It’s almost as if he’s devoid of one. Something within my heart twists because I can’t help but wonder if I’ve already lost him.

  “A few weeks before winter break, my dad called.” A thin shiver works its way down my spine as I recall that horrible phone call. “My coach had spoken to my parents and filled them in on everything. Everything. That I’d been kicked off the team, that I was failing my classes, all the rumors surrounding my partying. She put it all out there without ever talking to me about it.” I laugh bitterly as my mind tumbles back to that conversation. I almost flinch remembering how my dad had screamed at me. “My dad told me that they were coming the following weekend to pick me up since there was no point in me staying any longer. In a way, it was a relief. Everything was out in the open. I didn’t have to pretend anymore. So I just shut down. I stopped going to class altogether and partied instead. It was just so much easier to be numb. I stayed with a few friends who lived off campus. Just some random guys I’d met through Amy. On the last night I was there, they had a huge house party. I went upstairs with some guy. And we were making out,” Feeling ashamed, I pause before sucking in a deep breath. I can’t bear to look at Cole as I force out the rest, “I’d had a lot to drink at that point.” I pause as all the unwanted memories flood their way back through me. “Our clothes were off…”

  I shake my head as the images from that night tumble darkly through my head because it’s still so painful to think about. Unable to hold Cole’s gaze, I stare out into the surrounding darkness. “He was stretched out on top of me when the bedroom door opened and two guys walked in.” My brows draw together. “I think they were all friends but I don’t know.” Then I shake my head. “I remember them staring down at me.” I suck in a long shuddering breath not wanting to admit the rest but knowing I have to. I don’t want any more secrets between us. Even though it’s hard, I force out the rest of the words. “I didn’t mind screwing around with the guy I was with… but I couldn’t understand what the other two were doing there,” I finally whisper.

  It’s the feel of Cole’s fingers biting into my shoulder that has me snapping out of the daze that had fallen over me. I inhale another harsh breath. “At that point, I just wanted to get dressed and go. It was just too weird the way they were watching us. I remember telling them to go, but they wouldn’t listen. And the guy on top of me didn’t seem to care. I tried pushing him off so I could get out of there but he wouldn’t budge. And then the other two guys started holding me down. I remember yelling, trying to get them off me but I wasn’t strong enough. And then one of them covered my mouth with his hand. I bit him and kept screaming for help but even as I was yelling, I knew no one was going to help me. The party was so loud. M
usic was blasting, people were laughing and shouting. As drunk as I was, I knew no one could hear me.” I close my eyes as the ugly memories pummel me. I think I would give just about anything to wipe that night from my memory. “Even though I was pretty wasted, I knew all of these guys were going to rape me and I knew there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.” My voice is nothing more than a thick whisper.

  It took over three months of therapy for me to stop waking in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. And it took more than half a year of working with a counselor for me to stop flinching whenever someone laid a hand on me. Because when they did, all the memories would spear through me like a lightning bolt, making me feel anxious and sick to my stomach.

  Unable to meet his eyes, I press on because I just need to get this over with. “But someone did help. The door must have been left open and he heard or saw what was going on inside. He came in and,” again I shake my head because what happened after that is still a little fuzzy. It all happened so fast. “I remember him punching the two guys who were holding me down. And then the other guy was ripped off me. Before I understood what was happening, I was being bundled up in a shirt and carried down the steps. He got me out of the house and took me back to the dorms.” When I finally find the courage, I force myself to look up, to hold his eyes with my own. “The guy who rescued me was Luke.”

  Cole’s eyes flare wide as he releases a long slow breath.

  “He stayed with me in my room for the rest of the night. In the morning, when I had sobered up, I recognized him. I remembered him from the men’s hockey team. We had never really spoken before that night.”

  Cole looks completely stunned by what I’ve told him.

  At this point, I really can’t imagine what he thinks of me.

  “Thankfully my parents picked me up that afternoon because I don’t think I could have stayed on campus for another day. Not with what happened. My dad was so angry that he refused to even speak to me.” Feeling embarrassed, I hunch my shoulders. “I had never really been close with my mom but I thought, maybe… maybe if I told her everything, she would understand all the pressure I’d been under and she could help me talk to my dad. The first thing she did was take me to the doctor so I could get tested for pregnancy and STD’s.” Another wave of mortification sweeps over me, heating my face.

  I can’t believe I’m telling him all this. Sometimes it’s difficult to believe that it even happened. When I continue, my voice is smaller, thinner and I just want it over with. I can’t do this anymore. “Everything turned out to be fine. Honestly, I don’t have much to be thankful for, but I am about that. Within a week of being home they shipped me off to my grandparent’s house two hours away because they were worried about what kind of influence I would be on my younger sisters.” It was still a bitter memory that hurt to think about.

  I hear Cole inhale another breath and something inside me grows even colder. Because I can tell… what I just confessed matters. Of course it matters. There’s no way in hell he’ll ever be able to look at me the same way again.

  Unable to stand the thick silence that has fallen over us, I finally whisper with an ache filling my heart, “Cole?”

  His eyes search mine for a long heartbreaking moment before he slowly pulls me to him. Wrapping his arms protectively around me, he holds me so close that I have to fight for breath. Unable to help myself, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut before bursting into tears.

  “Don’t cry, baby.” His voice is nothing more than a rough scrape of emotion before he presses a lingering kiss against my hair. “Please don’t cry.”

  But I’m too far gone to rein it back in. All the anxiety, the humiliation comes pouring out in those wet noisy sobs.

  Very slowly his fingers settle under my chin before he tenderly lifts it up so my eyes are able to lock on his. It’s very softly that he says, “I told you before that whatever you had to tell me wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference and it doesn’t.” He pauses as a small smile tugs the corners of his mouth up. “I don’t care about what happened last year. Don’t you understand that? You aren’t that person anymore.” Then he shakes his head before pressing a very gentle kiss against my lips. “You were never that person. You had a rough time when you went away and lost control. I’m just sorry you felt so alone, that no one was there to help you.” His eyes flash with concern. “And I’m sorry you were in such a dangerous situation.” Again he pulls me back into the warm circle of his arms as I release a long slow breath. “Thank God Luke found you when he did.”

  “I know.” My lips pull down as I stare out into the darkness. I don’t mention that Luke showed up at practice tonight. Nor do I tell him that we met on the way to class this afternoon and he brushed his lips across my cheek. I don’t want to keep any more secrets from Cole but I’m not sure if there’s really anything to tell. I’m not sure if I’m just being paranoid or if this thing with Luke is truly something to be concerned about.

  My guess is that I’ll have to, at some point, sit down with Luke and hear what he has to say. The problem is that even though he swooped in and saved me… it’s just so difficult to rehash. I can’t keep talking about it. I need to put it all behind me and move on. And seeing Luke is a constant reminder of what happened… of what almost happened.

  I can’t begin to imagine what Luke sees when he looks at me.

  I just know that every time I see him, I feel hot thick waves of humiliation wash over me. He’s unfortunately tied to the worst night of my life. And seeing him, being around him, reminds me of it.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Kissing the crown of my head, Cole murmurs softly, “You’re going to be great out there. You know that, right?” His arms wrap around me, holding me tightly to him. People are walking past us on their way to the stands. There’s a feeling of excitement charging the frigid air. I can all but feel it.

  Even though I’m nervous, I’m totally ready to do this. I just want to get out there already.

  “I’ll be right up in the stands the entire time.”

  He’s trying to help settle my nerves, which is really sweet of him. I haven’t played in a real hockey game since high school. Last year, I’d rode the bench anytime we played a game or scrimmage. And that certainly hadn’t helped with my downward spiral. I’d never sat a game in my life. I’d always been first string. Even though this isn’t a top university program, just an intramural game, I’m still choking on nerves. Cole will be sitting up in the bleachers watching me and I don’t want to embarrass myself or disappoint him. More than anything, I want him to be proud of me.

  Again he kisses the top of my head before whispering against my hair, “Just have fun out there, that’s what it’s all about. That’s what it’s always been about. ”

  I know he’s giving me solid advice but still… the nerves won’t stop churning in my belly and they probably won’t stop until I get out on the ice for warm ups. No pep talk is going to change that. And then, hopefully, it’ll all just settle as I lose myself in the game.

  With a smile making his dimples pop, he slaps my ass. “Now get into the locker room and I’ll see you after the game’s over.” My eyes widen because that smack was a little rougher than usual. Oh, he is in so much trouble when I get him home tonight…

  Reaching up, I stroke my lips across his, caressing them in a way that drives him absolutely crazy. In response, he makes a low growling sound that comes from deep within his throat and I can’t help the small smile of satisfaction that curves my lips upward.

  “You better get going before I scoop you up and carry your ass out of here.”

  Feeling a little more at ease, I pick up my my hockey bag before heading to the locker room. Just as I’m about ten strides away, he suddenly calls out my name.

  Turning, I raise my brows in silent question. A big smile curves its way across his face as his gaze captures mine.

  With those dimples flashing, he murmurs, “I love you.” His eyes continue holding mine as
he releases those three sweet words into the cold air of the rink.

  In answer, a huge smile blooms across my face as I drop my bag and fly back into the warm confines of his arms before he wraps them tightly around me, picking me up and swinging me around in a tight circle. “I love you, too,” I whisper before kissing that beautiful mouth of his.

  “But I loved you first.” He’s laughing and it’s such a wonderful sound.

  “Yeah, I think I’m good with that,” I murmur before smacking his lips with a long lusty kiss.

  And then he’s nibbling the side of my neck and I’m squealing, suddenly wishing there were no game to get to. In this precisely perfect moment, I want nothing more than to be in bed, listening to him tell me a hundred more times that he loves me.

  “Oh for God’s sake,” Sammy rolls her big brown eyes as she walks past us, “get a freaking room.” Then she adds, “After the game. Get a damn room after the game.”

  “I’d better go.” Grinning, I finally back away from him, “I got me a game to win tonight.” I give him a little wink and he shakes his head.

  With his eyes still on me, the smile fades as a flash of heat flares in his gorgeous whiskey colored eyes. “And I’ll be waiting afterwards to get that room.”

  I’m sure there’s a ridiculously huge grin plastered across my face as I wag my finger at him. “Promises, promises…” Picking up my bag, I blow him a kiss before pushing my way into the locker room. Rock music is being blasted from someone’s Ipod speakers. The girls are all talking and laughing, trying to get pumped up and for just one small sliver of a moment, I stop. Taking it all in because this is something I’ve really missed over the last year.

  The comradery of a team.

  The sisterhood of hockey players.

  Girls who have your back.

  The Dartmouth team hadn’t been that way or maybe I’d just never gotten the opportunity to experience it. But I have it now with this group of girls and I feel extraordinarily blessed that I do. It doesn’t matter that we’re not playing for a top college program. These girls, these women, are who I belong with.