How the hell did that happened anyway? The stupid girly butterflies in my stomach caught me off-guard, and now they are there each and every damn time I think about her.
Finally Rafe’s smile falters and I comb my fingers through my hair. “It’s Camou, Haden. She’ll forgive you everything. So if you really are sure you’d rather pretend this didn’t happen, tell her you were too drunk to think further on it. Or that you… I don’t know. Honestly, besides the drunk excuse I can’t think of any that would make it okay between her and you.” He sighs. “Even though I don’t get it. What are you afraid of, dude? She’s hot and she’ll be an amazing woman one day. Snatch her up now before you have to really see her with some other guy.”
“Just shut up, Rafe, okay? Just… shut up.” He’s right. I don’t have an excuse and I certainly don’t have anything to lose, but what I know for sure is the transition from friends to more will be one hell of a fight with Camou. No idea how I know it, but the hollow feeling in my stomach saysit all.
I stand and clear my throat. “Let’s get to cleaning. I don’t feel like leaving it ‘til morning and having a panic attack because mom and dad will be home any minute.”
Though Rafe fusses and curses at me under his breath, he still gets up and starts on what I ordered. Surprised, I arch a brow. I somehow expected a discussion, but then I decide to just be grateful for small mercies.
Camou
Camou
My night has been short and I feel exceptionally grumpy. At least that will make it easy to act normal around Lowell. When I reach his house, the garden is pristine. Getting out of my car, I walk over to the front door and ring the doorbell, fully prepared to repeat the process over and over until Mister Himself tumbles from his bed and opens the door for me. I just reach out for the second ring when the door opens and he grins at me.
“Morning. You’re almost late. I thought you were trying to get out of this,” he teases and I shoulder past him.
“You better have breakfast ready, because I’m—” I trail off because the scent of pancakes and bacon reaches my nose. “You do have breakfast ready,” I say, sounding almost accusing as I spin back to him. He grins even wider.
“Almost, yes.” He smiles, but then it turns sheepish and my stomach coils. I don’t want an apology for the kiss. I don’t even want to talk about it. “I’m sorry for having had beer when I promised I’d take you home. I keep messing up.” He shrugs and I arch a brow, glancing around because I can’t watch him without wanting to step in and demand another practice lesson.
“Everything is clean!” And everything really is. I’d even say the guys vacuumed the carpet, if the fresh marks are anything to go by. “Are you sick? Lowell, are you and Rafe coming down with something?” Now I step to him and touch his forehead, but it’s cool under my fingertips, so I squint up at him. “Exhale,” I order. Maybe he got really drunk after I left and is still drunk? Only when he does exhale because he’s annoyed, he smells of toothpaste and faintly sweet.
I step back, placing my hands on my hips. “You already had a pancake.” I glare at him and he shrugs.
“First time I’m making them. I had to make sure I did it right.”
I stalk into the kitchen, finding a plateful there. I roll one up and inhale it. Wow, it’s better than I had imagined. With me being calm about the food, I can address the next issue as I plop onto one of the Lowell’s kitchen chairs. They are made of white wood and have colorful cushions, and scratch across the floor each time you move. Overall the kitchen is home and well used, with paint peeling on the cardboards. I still love this room. “What’s with the cleaning? I brought gloves.” I pull the rubber things from my pocket and Lowell snatches them away, throwing them into the trash.
“Honestly? I had no clue when my parents would be back, and Rafe and I didn’t want to get in trouble, so we did it last night still. Seems we caught a lucky break since it wasn’t that trashed yet. The house that is. Some of the people though…” He shakes his head and my eyes widen.
“Who?” I love gossip like the next girl, and frankly I realized, so do the guys.
He shrugs, clearly intent on making me beg for the info when Rafael comes in, wearing only boxers and an out-of-bed head. He’s in my year, and though he’s always around, I never looked-looked at him. Now I do, and can’t do anything but shake my head. The Lowell’s sure were lucky with their gene pool.
“Mary Sue and Tyler. Found them in the storage room. She was on her knees and—”
“I get the picture,” I interrupt. “Mary Sue? I cannot believe that.” Tyler is on Lowell’s team and though quiet, he has a reputation with the ladies. Basically, if they offer, he takes it. Mary Sue, on the other hand, is the smart one, the teacher’s pet. She’s funny and fun to hang out with, but I always thought she had standards. You know, like not blowing the running back just because he’s hot.
“Yup, and she was sober, too. Took the car back, and I didn’t let her go until I was positive she didn’t have anything to drink,” Haden assures me and I’m glad he took responsibility when this was his party after all.
“Is breakfast ready? I’m starving,” Rafe announces, even more grumbly than I am. It finally makes me grin, too.
“Almost,” Haden tells him, walking past me back to the stove while brushing his knuckles across my cheek. It’s such a short moment, I’m not even sure he really did it. When I look at him, he’s talking football stats with his brother. Only the fact that my heart picked up the gesture, makes me sure it happened at all.
After breakfast—at which I ate way too much—Haden drives us to a lake nearby. He’s too quiet, and yet gives me a quick wink every now and then. It’s not exactly weird between us, or awkward, but I still feel as if I have to fill the silence.
“What’s going on?” I ask timidly.
He shrugs and then smiles softy. “Why does something have to be going on?”
“Because you’re too quiet.”
He sighs. “You don’t want to hear what I’m thinking about, Camou. You demanded that we don’t make this awkward, and if I speak my mind now, it will be.”
My heart starts racing in my throat and I have to swallow back tears. He’s regretting it, and wants to forget all about it. He probably doesn’t know how to tell me.
“You wish you hadn’t done it,” I point out, wanting to make it easy for him. “Hey, it was just a kiss, right? Wasn’t that what you said?” And it should be. I’m not following him to college down in California, and starting anything with him now would be stupid. Especially because I’d never ask him to join the army for me.
“No, Camou, that’s not it,” he tells me, parking the car. We’re there, and I hadn’t even realized how fast the drive passed. I get out of the car because I need to get away from him. He’s clouding my mind, and all my grumpiness had left since he and Rafe had been so much fun at breakfast. The problem is, it made room for worries and anxiety about our friendship.
I turn back to him because he’s my best friend, and because I don’t want to lose him over something like this… feelings. Ugh, who needs them anyway? “What is it then?”
He comes closer and man, it’s as if I shrunk over night. Looking up at him, I wonder why I never noticed he was so much taller. Then again, I never worried because we’d been friends and I didn’t need to worry if I fit perfectly against him. Or maybe I just feel smaller because everything in me feels differently. Is that how first love feels? You can’t say what’s going on?
“I want to do it again,” he says and I nod. I don’t even know what we are talking about anymore, because I’m still worrying about if I should feel happy and sad all at once.
“Okay, cool,” I agree, then focus again as he laughs.
“Where are you in your mind?” he asks and I lick my lips. They are dry and I consider myself stupid for having agreed to go with him. I should’ve gone right back home, but I somehow want to spend the day with him.
“On last night,” I confess, at
least remembering part of the conversation we’re on.
“So am I. In case you forgot, we were talking about it, just a second ago.” He winks and I nod. True. He was too quiet.
“Yeah, you said…” My eyes widen as I connect all the dots, which had been formerly lost in my worries.
“I want to do it again,” he repeats, and I press my hand against his chest as he steps even closer.
Yes! No. God, we can’t. Why did I want that again? We have less than four months left, and I cannot see how this is going to work.
“No, Haden. This is going to—” I don’t get further because he kisses me. Of course he does. Haden always gets what he wants, and in this case… it’s me.
Haden
She accepts my kiss easily, and I’m exhilarated—until she suddenly pushes me away.
“No,” she whispers, panic written all over her face.
I raise my hands, my palms facing her, as I try to calm her. I figured it would be her reaction, but I’m not worried at all. It’s almost funny, but then, I don’t remember ever having been so sure about anything before. “It’s just a year, Camou. I’ll be coming to visit you regularly, I promise, and then it’s you and me in Cali.”
“No, it’s not.” Her words are quiet, barely reaching my ear, but the way each one hits me lets me know painfully, I heard her right.
“Of course. It was the plan. It doesn’t change now. Just because you and I are more… if you want, that is.” Because maybe, just maybe, it’s not what she wants and kissing me was just a fun thing. After all, a lot of girls want to kiss me, or so Camou keeps telling me.
“My plan changed before this, Lowell, but it was supposed to not matter. You were my best friend. I would’ve told you in a few weeks, hinted at it until then and you’d have been okay with it. I know you would have. But now? Now everything’s changed. So no, I don’t want more with you. I want you to be my best friend forever and longer. I want us to have beer together, and talk about the girls you wanna date. I want to be your best friend until you leave for Cali because after that we’re…”
She doesn’t end her sentence, and I cannot believe she saw our friendship ending after this. I know I would’ve been hurt, and I still am, but this? Why did she think I wouldn’t be her friend after graduation?
“Where in the hell will you be going that you think we won’t be friends anymore then?”
“I’m joining the army. I’ll be going to University of North Georgia.”
I need to sit. I should’ve probably seen that coming, but I didn’t. “You don’t even know if you get in. Cali’s Plan B, right?”
“I don’t have to. I got accepted early, and I’m in for a scholarship if I can keep up my grades. Unless they slip in my last year of high school, I don’t have anything to worry about.”
I know that, too. If it’s based on grades, she won’t struggle. Hell, even if she has a few bad months, I know she’ll always come around. As I stay silent, she steps forward, pressing her hand against my chest.
“There’s always a Heart in the army, Haden,” she whispers.
I clear my throat. “Yes, Scott was. You don’t need to be,” I protest weakly.
“There’s always a Heart in the army,” she repeats, and I have to admit… I got nothing. There’s absolutely nothing I can say because if Camou is one thing, it’s stubborn.
I just stare at her, wondering if maybe that’s all the more a reason to draw her in and kiss her stupid, but I doubt she’d appreciate it. I don’t even know why. If we have four months, I don’t think we should waste them. Especially if that’s all she’s giving me.
“What now?” I have to ask because she’s looking at me funny. How could there be anything more she’d have to say after dropping this bomb on me?
Her smile is shaky. “I can’t be anything more with you, Haden. I just need you to be my best friend.”
“And I will be. I can still be that. We can still drink beers, and I can still pick you up, and you can drive us home from parties. Only benefit is I get to hold and kiss you, too. Just because we’re dating doesn’t mean—”
Tears swim in her eyes. “No, Haden. Either we’re friends or we’re nothing. I can’t be more with you. I just can’t.” It’s obvious how much she wants it. I know she does, but when I push for why not, she doesn’t answer.
“Give me one good reason.” I’m towering over her, wanting her to admit she is as crazy about me as I am about her.
“Fine. I can give you a million. We’ve been best friends since I came here. Every day you and I were together. You didn’t once want to hold my hand or go out with me. Sure, we went out to eat and all, but you were always interested in other girls, never in me. And now suddenly you are? What if your sudden, crazy, heated attention vanishes as soon as it came? What then? We’re in awkward phase then and for the last two months or so, I’ll be the laughing stock of the school. And you know what? I won’t care, because I’ll be too hurt over having lost the best friend I ever had.”
I know why she doubts what I feel, but it’s the same with her. I never knew she was into me, and maybe if she had—
Nope, I wouldn’t have. I’d have probably turned her down gently. Hell, maybe she made certain comments and I ignored them because I never looked at her that way.
“What if we end up married one day, Camou? Ever considered that?”
But she only shakes her head, conviction burning brightly in her eyes. “No, we won’t,” she assures me and I frame her face.
“Why not? Give me one reason why you think this is impossible?”
She leans into my touch, kissing my palm and proving me right: She wants this as much as I do, but won’t allow herself to enjoy it.
“Because no guy is waiting for a girl like me. Not even someone as devoted to a cause as you. Months away on deployment.What guy lives through that? You probably won’t, Lowell. You know it, and so do I.”
I can’t even argue. I already worry how it’ll be when I’m far away. I don’t doubt I can be faithful, not the least bit, but not seeing her will hurt like fuck.
“Well, I can’t be friends with you anymore when I always want to touch you,” I tell her, hoping that little push convinces her to give us a chance.
I should’ve known better.
She steps back, her eyes roaming over me as if she’strying to commit me and this moment to her memory forever. “I better get going then,” she whispers and turns away. We’re miles out of town and yet I know, she will do just that. The problem is, she won’t get in a car with me if I keep trying to convince her, and I can’t get in a car with her without doing that. In the end, I pull out my cell and tell Rafe to come and get her.
Tomorrow, or maybe the day after, I’m going to have better arguments, and maybe then I’ll get her back in my arms where, by now, I’m sure she belongs.
Camou
Camou
Acting as if Haden and I are nothing more than people going to the same high school kills me. It’s been a month since my confession about college, and two weeks since he’d last tried to convince me to try. But I can’t. And the thing is, he’s right about us not being able to be friends because each time I see him, I just want to run up to him and bury my face in his chest, having him hold me until all this confusion is over.
“You’re in love with him,” Rose says next to me, and I give her an annoyed side-glance. “The signs have been there all along, sis. I’m surprised you didn’t notice earlier. And his feelings… He’s a guy, I’m not surprised he didn’t. However, he’s always been protecting you, Cam, and when he had the choice between his guys and you? Always you. Oh, and he went to every dance with you. Granted, he pretended to take dates along, but come on, we know better. He hung out with you at those. Why aren’t you with him until he has to leave? You want to, he does, too. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. No matter what Scott thought,” Rose encourages me. I’m not surprised our big brother talked to her about me.
No ma
tter how much older he was, Scott had always treated us fairly and more grown up than we were. Ironic really, that it was his death causing both, Rose and me, to mature much faster than we’d have had otherwise.
“No, I—” I trail off as Haden passes by the table, giving me the smallest of smiles. He’s not mad at me. I know that, but he’s hurt and he’s done trying to rectify the situation. I give him another week before he shows up with some girl on his arm, all over feeling in love with me. And then I might approach him again, ask about one of the last football games.
He’s handsome, and my heart aches following him with my eyes. He lost his smile, and just in case I hadn’t noticed, people kept pointing it out. In the beginning they too, thought it was a phase. A rushed idea, but by now they aren’t sure anymore. I keep hearing rumors about how so-and-so already knew we were going to fall for each other; about how we are the epitome of high school love, and that we’ll still be all over each other in ten years.
I don’t believe either of those rumors, but I know he’s missing what there used to be between us.
Standing from the table I had sat on, I grab my juice and ignore the way my sister sighs. She knows I’m going to leave school and skip class, but today I couldn’t care less.
Haden
I decide to skip my last classes because I’d be in them with Camou, and I cannot deal. Having seen her in the cafeteria I almost broke down and sat with her, pretending I didn’t want to kiss the top of her head before sitting. And pretending I didn’t want to hold her hand, or hear her laugh just because it would ease my pain.
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