Harold Pinter Plays 1

by Harold Pinter

  KEDGE [dancing]: You dance like a dream, Betty, you know that?

  BETTY [shyly]: I don’t.

  KEDGE: You do. Honest. Like a dream. Like a dream come true.

  BETTY: You’re just saying that.

  KING: Well, Kedge looks all right again, doesn’t he? What was the matter with him? I’ve forgotten.

  SEELEY: Stomach trouble.

  KING: Not enough exercise. [To KEDGE.] You’ll have to see you get more exercise, Kedge!

  KEDGE [passing]: You never said a truer word, Mr. King.

  SEELEY: Well, he don’t look in bad trim to me, Mr. King.

  They laugh.

  KING: I must admit it.

  GIDNEY: He’ll never get to the last lap with that one, I can tell you.

  KING [smiling]: Now, now, you young men, that’s quite enough of that. No more of that.

  GIDNEY [pleasantly]: What are you laughing at, Stokes?

  ALBERT: What?

  GIDNEY: Sorry. I thought you were laughing.

  ALBERT: I was laughing. You made a joke.

  GIDNEY: Oh yes, of course. Sorry.

  [Pause.]

  Well, we’ve got Kedge back at left back next Saturday.

  KING: Yes. Excuse me.

  SEELEY: That’s a lovely pair of shoes you’re wearing, Gidney.

  GIDNEY: Do you think so?

  SEELEY: Oh, they’re the best, the very best, aren’t they, Albert? Gidney always wears a nice pair of shoes, doesn’t he, you noticed that? That’s one thing I’ll say about you, Gidney—you carry your feet well.

  EILEEN: A mambo! Who’s going to dance?

  SEELEY: I’ll give it a trot.

  SEELEY and EILEEN dance.

  GIDNEY: Don’t you dance, Stokes?

  ALBERT: Yes, sometimes.

  GIDNEY: Do you? You will excuse me, won’t you?

  ALBERT: Yes.

  ALBERT is left standing.

  KING: Well, Ryan, enjoying the party?

  RYAN nods, smiles.

  Nice to see a lot of young people enjoying themselves, eh?

  RYAN nods, smiles.

  Of course, it’s all in your honour, old man. Let’s fill you up. I’ll be the oldest man in the office after you’ve gone.

  GIDNEY and JOYCE, whispering.

  JOYCE: No. Why should I?

  GIDNEY: Go on. Just for a lark.

  JOYCE: What for?

  GIDNEY: For a lark. Just for a lark.

  JOYCE: You’ve got an evil mind, you have.

  GIDNEY: No, it’ll amuse me, that’s all. I feel like being amused.

  JOYCE: Well, I’m not going to.

  GIDNEY: Gah, you wouldn’t know how to, anyway.

  JOYCE: Oh, wouldn’t I?

  GIDNEY [taking her arm]: Get hold of Eileen, don’t tell her I told you though, and go over and lead him a dance, just lead him a dance, that’s all, see what he does. I want to see his reaction, that’s all, I just want to see how he takes it.

  JOYCE: What, in front of everyone else, in front of—?

  GIDNEY: Just talk to him, talk to him. I don’t mean anything else, do I?

  JOYCE: What do I get if I do?

  GIDNEY: A toffee apple.

  JOYCE: Oh, really? Thank you.

  GIDNEY: I’ll take you for a ride in the car. Honest.

  SEELEY [dancing]: Hullo, Mr. Ryan. Enjoying the party?

  EILEEN: You dance well, don’t you?

  SEELEY: I was going in for ballet once.

  EILEEN: Go on!

  SEELEY: Yes, true. They offered me the leading part in Rigoletto. When I was a boy soprano.

  EILEEN: You’re making it up.

  GIDNEY [to JOYCE]: No, he just irritates me, that bloke. I … I haven’t got any time for a bloke like that.

  JOYCE: He’s just quiet, that’s all.

  GIDNEY: Well, see if you can wake him up.

  KING [to BETTY]: Well, Miss Todd, it hasn’t taken you long to get to know everyone, has it?

  BETTY: Oh no, Mr. King.

  KEDGE: I’ve taken her under my wing, Mr. King.

  KING: So I noticed.

  KEDGE: Yes, I’ve been teaching her all about mortality tables. I told her in case of fire or burglary commission and damages come to her.

  KING: I would hardly take Kedge’s word as gospel, Miss Todd.

  KEDGE: You know I’ve got the best interests of the firm at heart, Mr. King.

  GIDNEY [drinking, with JOYCE]: Anyway, I’m thinking of moving on. You stay too long in a place you go daft. After all, with my qualifications I could go anywhere.

  He sees ALBERT at the bar.

  Couldn’t I, Stokes?

  ALBERT: What?

  GIDNEY: I was saying, with my qualifications I could go anywhere. I could go anywhere and be anything.

  ALBERT: So could I.

  GIDNEY: Could you? What qualifications have you got?

  ALBERT: Well, I’ve got a few, you know.

  GIDNEY: Listen! Do you know that Chelsea wanted to sign me up a few years ago? They had a scout down to one of our games. They wanted to sign me up. And I’ll tell you another thing as well. I could turn professional cricketer any day I wanted to, if I wanted to.

  ALBERT: Then why don’t you?

  GIDNEY: I don’t want to.

  JOYCE: You’d look lovely in white.

  GIDNEY: These people who talk about qualifications. Just makes me laugh, that’s all.

  KEDGE [in the corner of the room, in an armchair with BETTY]: Oh, you’re lovely. You’re the loveliest thing on four wheels.

  KING [to HORNE and BARROW, by the door]: Well, I hope you’ll both be in the team soon yourselves. I think it’s a very good thing we’ve … that the firm’s got a football team. And a cricket team, of course. It shows we look on the lighter side of things too. Don’t you agree?

  HORNE: Oh yes, Mr. King.

  BARROW: Yes, Mr. King.

  KING: Also gives a sense of belonging. Work together and play together. Office work can become so impersonal. We like to foster … to foster something … very different. You know what I mean?

  HORNE: Oh yes, Mr. King.

  BARROW: Yes, Mr. King.

  KING: You interested in sailing, by any chance? You’re quite welcome to come down to my boat at Poole any weekend—do a bit of sailing along the coast.

  HORNE: Oh, thank you, Mr. King.

  BARROW: Thank you, Mr. King.

  JOYCE and EILEEN, whispering.

  JOYCE [slyly]: Eh, what about going over and cheering up old Albert?

  EILEEN: What for?

  JOYCE: Well, he looks a bit gloomy, don’t he?

  EILEEN: I don’t want to go over. You go over.

  JOYCE: No, come on. You come over.

  EILEEN: What for?

  JOYCE: Cheer him up. For a bit of fun.

  EILEEN: Oh, you’re awful.

  JOYCE: Come on. Come over.

  KING [to RYAN]: Can I fill your glass, Ryan?

  [RYAN nods, and smiles.]

  Can’t leave you without a drink, can we? The guest of honour.

  JOYCE and EILEEN sit either side of ALBERT on a divan.

  JOYCE: Mind if we join you?

  ALBERT: Oh, hullo.

  EILEEN: Enjoying the party?

  JOYCE: What are you sitting all gloomy about?

  ALBERT: I’m not gloomy, I’m just sitting, drinking. Feel a bit tired, actually.

  JOYCE: Why, what have you been doing?

  ALBERT: Nothing.

  JOYCE: You just said you were tired. Eh, move up, I’m on the edge.

  ALBERT: Sorry.

  EILEEN: Eh, mind out, you’re squashing me.

  ALBERT: Oh …

  JOYCE: You squash her, she won’t mind.

  EILEEN [laughing]: Oh, Joyce!

  GIDNEY, with a smile, watching.

  JOYCE: Come on, tell us, what are you tired about?

  ALBERT: Oh, just work, I suppose.

  JOYCE: I’ve been working too. I’m not tired. I love work. Don’t yo
u, Eileen? [She leans across him to speak.]

  EILEEN: Oh yes, I love work.

  ALBERT: No, I’m not tired, really. I’m all right.

  EILEEN: He looks tired.

  JOYCE: You’ve been living it up. Women.

  EILEEN: I’ll bet.

  JOYCE: Females.

  The girls giggle.

  ALBERT [with an uncertain smile]: No, I wouldn’t …

  EILEEN: Eh, mind your drink. My best taffeta.

  JOYCE: He’s not bad looking when you get close.

  EILEEN: Quite nice when you get close.

  ALBERT: Thanks for the compliment.

  EILEEN: You got a flat of your own?

  ALBERT: No. Have you?

  EILEEN [forlornly]: No.

  JOYCE: You live with your mother, don’t you?

  ALBERT: Yes.

  JOYCE: Does she look after you all right, then?

  ALBERT: Yes, she … [He stands.] I’m just going to the bar.

  JOYCE: So are we.

  EILEEN: Me too.

  They follow.

  KING: Well, now everyone …

  JOYCE: I’m having gin.

  ALBERT: Gin? Wait a minute …

  KING: Just a minute, everyone, can I have your attention?

  GIDNEY [to JOYCE]: Didn’t make much impression, did you?

  JOYCE: Didn’t I?

  KING: Just for a moment, please …

  GIDNEY: Eh, Stokes, pay attention, will you?

  ALBERT: What?

  GIDNEY: Mr. King wants your attention.

  KING: I’d just like to propose a toast to our guest of honour, Mr. Ryan. Gidney!

  GIDNEY: Yes?

  ALBERT: Here’s your gin, then.

  JOYCE: Thanks.

  KING [to GIDNEY]: Go and get Kedge out of that corner, will you? Now, as you know, we’re all gathered here tonight to pay our respects to our old friend and colleague, Mr. Ryan …

  KEDGE and BETTY are locked together in the armchair. GIDNEY taps KEDGE on the shoulder.

  GIDNEY: Mr. King wants to know if you’ll honour the party with your presence.

  KEDGE [jumping up]: Oh, sorry, [BETTY, thrown off, falls. He picks her up.] Sorry.

  KING: We’ve all known Mr. Ryan for a very long time. Of course, I’ve known him myself much longer than anyone here—

  KEDGE: For he’s a jolly good fellow—

  KING: Wait! Very glad for your enthusiasm, Mr. Kedge. Your heart, I am quite sure, is in the right place.

  General laughter.

  ALBERT, EILEEN, JOYCE, SEELEY and GIDNEY stand in a group around MR. RYAN’S chair.

  But please allow me to toast Mr. Ryan first and then the floor is yours. Well, as I was saying, the whole department is here tonight to pay tribute to a man who from time immemorial has become, how shall I put it, the very core of our little community. I remember Mr. Ryan sitting at his very own desk the first time my father brought me into the office—

  A sharp scream and stiffening from EILEEN. All turn to her.

  Good heavens!

  GIDNEY: What is it?

  ADLIB: What’s happened? Eileen, what’s the matter?

  EILEEN: Someone touched me!

  JOYCE: Touched you?

  EILEEN: Someone touched me! Someone—!

  BETTY: What did he do?

  KEDGE: Touched you? What did he do?

  JOYCE: What did he do, Eileen?

  EILEEN: He … he … he took a liberty!

  KEDGE: Go on! Who did?

  EILEEN turns and stares at ALBERT. Silence. All stare at ALBERT.

  ALBERT: What are you looking at me for?

  GIDNEY [muttering]: Good God …

  Tense, embarrassed pause.

  HORNE [at the door, whispering]: What did he do, touch her?

  BARROW [open-mouthed]: Yes.

  HORNE [wide-eyed]: Where?

  They look at each other, open-mouthed and wide-eyed.

  ALBERT: What are you looking at me for?

  KING: Please, now … can we possibly … I mean …

  EILEEN [in a voice of reproach, indignation and horror]: Albert!

  ALBERT: What do you mean?

  SEELEY: How does she know it was Albert?

  KEDGE: Wonder what he did. Made her jump didn’t he?

  ALBERT: Now look, wait a minute, this is absolutely ridiculous—

  GIDNEY: Ridiculous, eh? I’ll say it is. What do you think you’re up to?

  EILEEN: Yes, I was just standing there, suddenly this hand …

  JOYCE: I could tell he was that sort.

  The camera closes on MR. RYAN’S hand, resting comfortably on his knee, and then to his face which, smiling vaguely, is inclined to the ceiling. It must be quite clear from the expression that it was his hand which strayed.

  GIDNEY: Come out here, Albert.

  ALBERT: Don’t pull me. What are you doing?

  SEELEY: How do you know it was him?

  ALBERT [throwing off GIDNEY’S hand]: Let go of me!

  SEELEY: What are you pulling him for?

  GIDNEY: You keep out of this.

  KING [nervously]: Now please let me continue my toast, ladies and gentlemen. Really, you must settle this elsewhere.

  SEELEY: We don’t even know what he’s supposed to have done.

  ALBERT: I didn’t do anything.

  GIDNEY: We can guess what he did.

  KING [at speed]: We are all collected here tonight in honour of Mr. Ryan and to present him with a token of our affection—

  JOYCE [to ALBERT]: You snake!

  SEELEY: Well, what did he do? What’s he supposed to have done?

  ALBERT: She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

  SEELEY: Come on, what’s he supposed to have done, Eileen, anyway?

  EILEEN: Mind you own business.

  JOYCE: You don’t think she’s going to tell you, do you?

  GIDNEY: Look, Seeley, why don’t you shut up?

  SEELEY: Now don’t talk to me like that, Gidney.

  ALBERT: Don’t worry about him, Seeley.

  KING: As I have been trying to say—

  JOYCE: You come over here, Eileen, sit down. She’s upset, aren’t you?

  EILEEN [to SEELEY]: So would you be!

  KING: Miss Phipps, would you mind composing yourself?

  EILEEN: Composing myself!

  GIDNEY: Come outside a minute, Albert.

  KING: As I have been trying to say—

  KEDGE [brightly]: I’m listening, Mr. King!

  KING: What?

  KEDGE: I’m listening. I’m with you.

  KING: Oh, thank you. Thank you, my boy.

  ALBERT: I’m going, anyway.

  ALBERT goes into the hall, followed by GIDNEY and SEELEY. The door shuts behind them.

  GIDNEY: Wait a minute, Stokes.

  ALBERT: What do you want?

  GIDNEY: I haven’t been satisfied with your … sort of … behaviour for some time, you know that, don’t you?

  ALBERT: You haven’t … you haven’t what?

  GIDNEY: For instance, there was that bloody awful game of football you played when you threw the game away last Saturday that I’ve got on my mind, besides one or two other things!

  SEELEY: Eh look, Gidney, you’re talking like a prize—

  GIDNEY [viciously]: I’ve told you to keep out of this.

  ALBERT [tensely]: I’m going, anyway.

  GIDNEY: Wait a minute, let’s have it out. What do you think you’re up to?

  ALBERT: Look, I’ve told you—

  GIDNEY: What did you think you were doing with that girl?

  ALBERT: I didn’t touch her.

  GIDNEY: I’m responsible for that girl. She’s a good friend of mine. I know her uncle.

  ALBERT: Do you?

  SEELEY: You know, you’re being so stupid, Gidney—

  GIDNEY: Seeley, I can take you any day, you know that, don’t you?

  SEELEY: Go on!

  GIDNEY: Any day.

  SEELEY: You can take me
any day?

  GIDNEY: Any day.

  SEELEY: Well, go on, then. Go on … if you can take me …

  ALBERT: Seeley—

  SEELEY: No, if he says he can take me, if he can take me any day …

  The door opens slightly. HORNE and BARROW peer out.

  ALBERT: Gidney, why don’t you … why don’t you get back to the party?

  GIDNEY: I was telling you, Albert—

  ALBERT: Stokes.

  GIDNEY: I was telling you, Albert, that if you’re going to behave like a boy of ten in mixed company—

  ALBERT: I told you my name’s Stokes!

  GIDNEY: Don’t be childish, Albert.

  A sudden silence. MR. KING’S voice from the room.

  KING: … and for his unfailing good humour and cheeriness, Mr. Ryan will always be remembered at Hislop, King and Martindale!

  Scattered applause. HORNE, caught by their stares, shuts the door hastily.

  ALBERT [going to the door.]: Goodnight.

  GIDNEY [obstructing him]: Go back and apologize.

  ALBERT: What for?

  GIDNEY: For insulting a lady. Mate. A lady. Something to do with breeding. But I suppose you’re too bloody backward to know anything about that.

  ALBERT: You’re talking right out of your hat.

  SEELEY: Right out of the bowler.

  GIDNEY [to SEELEY]: No one invited you out here, did they?

  SEELEY: Who invited you?

  GIDNEY: I’m talking to this man on behalf of the firm! Unless I get a satisfactory explanation I shall think seriously about recommending his dismissal.

  ALBERT: Get out of my way, will you?

  GIDNEY: Acting like an animal all over the place—

  ALBERT: Move out of it!

  GIDNEY [breathlessly]: I know your trouble.

  ALBERT: Oh, yes?

  GIDNEY: Yes, sticks out a mile.

  ALBERT: Does it?

  GIDNEY: Yes.

  ALBERT: What’s my trouble then?

  GIDNEY [very deliberately]: You’re a mother’s boy. That’s what you are. That’s your trouble. You’re a mother’s boy.

  ALBERT hits him. There is a scuffle. SEELEY tries to part them. The three rock back and forth in the hall: confused blows, words and grunts.

  The door of the room opens. Faces. MR. KING comes out.

  KING: What in heaven’s name is going on here!

  The scuffle stops. A short silence. ALBERT opens the front door, goes out and slams it behind him. He stands on the doorstep, breathing heavily, his face set.

  SCENE TWO

  The kitchen.

  MRS. STOKES is asleep, her head resting on the table, the cards disordered. The clock ticks. It is twelve o’clock. The front door opens slowly. ALBERT comes in, closes the door softly, stops, looks across to the open kitchen door, sees his mother, and begins to creep up the stairs with great stealth. The camera follows him. Her voice stops him.