Arnie, Mervin, & The Blood of Kings

by Pedliham, Luke

  Arnie goes to sit down on the rickety old bed which creaks loudly and prompts him to put his posterior down in a more cautious manner. As he slowly and tentatively swings his legs up onto the bed and rests his head on the pillow, he exhales a long sigh of relief. That is until Lady jumps onto the bed and causes all four legs to snap in half and the bed to collapse! Although shocked and un-nerved Arnie is still horizontal in bed, so he pulls up the cover, closes his eyes as Lady rests her head on his stomach and attempts to quiet his mind and go to sleep.

  Chapter Six: The boys

  ‘Tap tap. Tap tap. Tap tap’.

  Arnie awakes in the middle of the night to the sound of gentle tapping at his window. The room is lit up by the full moon that is sitting in the centre of a clear starlit sky but Arnie is not yet fully awake or focused to see what’s there. Lady seems to wake at the same time and growls cautiously at the window. Arnie ‘shushes’ Lady and rubs her head before moving away from what’s left of his bed towards the window. As he focuses he sees a little Owl perched outside on the window sill. Arnie, being an animal lover smiles at the curious little creature and gently taps back. The Owl taps again, and then so does Arnie. This goes back and forth for a few more seconds before the Owl starts to roll it’s neck and make ‘hoo” noises at him.

  “Hoo hoo, hoo hoo.” says the Owl as if he or she is trying to communicate.

  Arnie, who is now wide awake and intrigued by the diminutive hooter’s tenacity, starts to ‘hoo’ back.

  “Hoo hoo!” says Arnie.

  The Owl stops, wobbles its head from side to side again and looks back at Arnie with a look on its face that could only be described as confused;

  “Hoo hoo, hoo….” says Arnie a bit louder:

  The Owl joins in, ‘hooing’ louder and more frequent like Arnie ;

  “Hoo, hoo! Hoo whoo, Whoo, who……who the hell are you?” it says.

  Arnie’s face freezes in disbelief as Lady barks defensively. Arnie sits and ponders this turn of events for a moment. Did an Owl just talk? In English? He rubs his head and eyes and puts it down to the fact he’s just woken up. He looks at the curious little Owl on his window sill who in turn looks back with his big brown saucer shaped eyes.

  Arnie opens the window:

  “Awww, look at you! You’re a lovely little fella aren’t you?” says Arnie while gesturing to the Owl like you might a dog or a cat.

  “Don’t change the subject!” replies the Owl;

  “I asked you who you are and I’ll thank you not to be so condescending.”

  Arnie, unsurprisingly, finds it hard to string a sentence together immediately after being scolded by an Owl;

  “Well?” says the Owl impatiently.

  Arnie attempts to address the question, but his words stumble and fumble around in his mouth before they eventually fall out and unfortunately for Arnie, those that do, don’t make a whole lot of sense.

  “Me? I’m me! I mean,…well I’m me aren’t I? Mervin,….erm,….Uncle Mervin is my Uncle I think….or he says he is, so,…..yeah, I’m me and Uncle Mervin is my Uncle! That’s about the size of it.”

  Just as Arnie finishes speaking, a larger almost regal looking Owl swoops down onto the window sill next to the other one causing Arnie to flinch backwards due to a mixture of surprise and awe:

  “Whoa……” says a dumbfounded Arnie as he scans the big Owl up and down.

  “Hoo, whoo, who is this then? Is this him?” says the larger Owl to the smaller one in an older sounding and quite distinguished voice.

  “I think so. He says his name is Arnie, but I don’t think he’s so sure himself.” replies the smaller Owl.

  “Have you introduced yourself yet?” asks the larger Owl.

  The small Owl shakes his head.

  “So you’ve just turned up on his window sill and started asking him questions? No wonder he’s making no sense,…. I mean, you’re a talking Owl for Christ’s sake! That’s not exactly a normal everyday thing is it? Look at him, the poor kid - he’s in shock!”

  With that the Large Owl gives his companion what can only be described as the avian equivalent of a clip round the earhole. The small Owl looks down at his feet in shame as the larger Owl clears his throat and addresses Arnie directly;

  “I feel I should apologise for my diminutive friend over here. People skills and communication aren’t really his forte I’m afraid. So please, allow me to introduce myself - I am Archimedes or Archie for short, and the vertically challenged rapscallion to my left is Alfie!”

  Alfie, still ashamed of himself acknowledges Arnie with a little nod of his bowed head as he kicks a tiny pebble off the window sill while Arnie, still shocked by the fact that he is currently conversing with two birds of prey attempts to string together another sentence;

  “N,…no apology necessary. I’m Arnie, I’m Uncle Mervin’s Arnie. I mean – I’m nephew, Uncle Mervin’s Arnie! I mean,…..ugh, didn’t we already cover this?”

  Arnie pauses for a few seconds while he collects himself as the two Owls look on in confused amusement.

  Arnie stops for a brief moment in order to collect himself, and then continues in an altogether more coherent manner;

  “Actually, you know I don’t even know who I am in the great scheme of things, and I sure as hell don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. It just kinda feels……right somehow. Like I belong. I know I have a purpose and this isn’t a holiday or anything - it’s just I’m not sure what the purpose is yet. And now with you two added to the mix…….it’s really starting to hurt my brain…….”

  Suddenly the small Owl Alfie pipes up;

  “Trust in the force Arnie. You still have much to learn my young Padawan.”

  Arnie looks at the two Owls with a raised eyebrow and says;

  “You as well? Mervin certainly has you well trained!”

  The larger Owl Archie interjects at this point, looks around to see if anyone else is listening and says quietly;

  “Actually, truth be told I’m more of Trekkie myself – just don’t tell Mervin!”

  Alfie then takes the conversation away from Star Trek to go back to Arnie’s inexplicable feelings of purpose he just alluded to:

  “Look Arnie, these feelings although slightly discombub…..discombibu…….discsom, slightly confusing for you, are actually quite normal. Mervin has already exposed you to the Dragon’s breath and to Magic - which will not only help you to understand why you’re here but it will also protect you from Morg....”

  “THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT!!” interrupts Archie quickly, cutting Alfie off mid-sentence.

  “We don’t want to confuse him now do we? He must be tired. C’mon let’s let him get some sleep.”

  Archie gives his small companion a discreet scolding nudge for some unknown reason and Alfie trips and stumbles over his words now in an attempt to correct himself;

  “What’s a morg?” asks Arnie innocently;

  “Morg? Yes! No! Well,….what I meant was it will protect you…..from Morg….an Freeeman!” says Alfie hesitantly;

  Arnie looks at his two new friends with a curious expression and says;

  “Morgan Freeman? Magic and the Dragon’s breath is going to protect me from Morgan Freeman?”

  “Yup!” confirms Alfie confidently;

  “We’re pretty sure he’s evil! Did you see Deep Impact?” he continues;

  “Wow! But he seems so nice. Like my Granddad or something.” replies Arnie.

  Archie sees the confused look on Arnie’s face and attempts to elucidate upon Alfie’s meagre fictional story so it makes more sense;

  “It’s his voice Arnie! He has a deeply hypnotic voice. They even try to recreate it in adverts to make you buy things like car insurance. The manipulating so and so’s.”

  “Right?” says Arnie prompting the two fumbling Owls to elucidate;

  “Yeah……he could use his vocal powers of hypnotism for evil .” continues Alfie;

  “We’re not saying he would…….just that
he could, and we just can’t take that risk with you Arnie - you’re far too important. We don’t want you getting hypnotised by him while you’re watching The Shawshank Redemption [regardless of how bloody brilliant he is in it], and trying to tunnel out of here with a toffee hammer! Anyway, we shouldn’t get too bogged down with why you need protection from Morgan Freeman - you’ll just have to trust us. Plus, we have a big day tomorrow and we have more important things to do right now like,…..SLEEEEEEEP……..”

  Archie dramatically raises both wings, releasing a fine cloud of golden powder into the air which envelopes both Arnie and Lady’s noses and causes them both to immediately pass out. Archie and Alfie collectively wince as this happens as Arnie unfortunately bangs his head on the wall – hard!;

  “Ooh! That’s going to hurt in the morning.” says Archie.

  “What was that?” asks Alfie;

  “Magic! You pick a few things up after spending this long with a wizard you know. Come on let’s leave him to sleep.”

  The two owls close the window so Arnie doesn’t sleep in a draught. They both turn and fly off from the window sill. As they disappear into the night Alfie asks Archie;

  “Can you teach me how to do that one day Archie? I’d like to learn some magic too!”

  “Maybe one day,…just leave Morgan Freeman alone in future alright? He’s God,………….in Bruce Almighty.”

  As Archie and Alfie disappear into the night chirping away at each other, a large, evil looking crow with a scarred beak, bald patches and big beady eyes that are as black as night, swoops down onto the window sill where the Owls were just perched. It peers in through the window and sees Arnie on the bed with his top half slumped up against the wall and a long bit of dribble dangling like a stranded bungee jumper from his squished up mouth. The crow seems agitated by the sight of Arnie and proceeds to ‘CAW’ loudly a few times in an attempt to wake him up and presumably scare him – which of course doesn’t work due to Archie’s sleeping dust. The crow becomes more agitated, making more noise, more frequently before pecking at the centre of the glass in frustration, cracking it in a spider-web shape in the process.

  As the evil looking crow looks around and pulls its head back for a second peck, presumably to break the glass, Alfie swoops down out of the night - talons first, and attacks the crow with all of his might! Surprised by this, the crow stumbles backwards under pressure from Alfie’s courageous attack. However, even though Alfie is a bird of prey, the crow is much bigger and after a few seconds of Alfie’s brave attack this becomes very apparent. The crow deflects Alfie’s weakening attacks and manages to regain its composure, quickly overwhelming Alfie and knocking him off of the window sill and onto the forest floor as he does so.

  The crow quickly swoops down on top of Alfie and pecks at him viciously with his dagger like beak as the brave little owl attempts to shield himself with his wings, losing feathers and getting bloody in the process. Alfie manages to get a talon free and claws back at the crows face, cutting it slightly. Unfortunately, judging by all the scars it would seem the crow has become accustomed to pain over time and simply continues attacking Alfie undeterred. Alfie still has some of his wits about him though and uses this split second of respite to wriggle free from the crow’s clutches and attempts to fly away. The crow however is relentless in its pursuit and gets hold of Alfie’s leg in its beak before he can fully get into the air. Alfie flaps his little wings in desperation as the dead-eyed crow beneath him pulls him back down into the melee of his brutal attack.

  Alfie, for all of his undeniable courage is simply too small and weak to stand up to the crow for an extended period of time given he is only a Pygmy Owl, and the fearful, panicked look on his face as he realises he can’t get away illustrates this point horribly. Storm-clouds form overhead and the sky is illuminated by lightning as thunder claps and torrential rain begins to pour down as if to signal the end of days. Alfie continues his futile struggle underneath the weight of the crow, wriggling around erratically in an attempt to avoid the fierce thrusts of its sharp, dagger like beak. Alfie suddenly cries out in pain as the crow manages to hit its target, skewering Alfie’s wing to the ground momentarily before pulling back with a collection of his feathers in its beak.

  Tawny Owls however, are not small or weak, and the evil crow finds this out first hand as Archie comes swooping down out of the night in the nick of time, smashing straight into the crow with his razor sharp talons - breaking his grip on Alfie and sending him crashing into a nearby tree stump as Alfie remains limp and motionless on the ground. As the crow slowly finds its bearings and gets to its feet, it spreads it’s wings and aggressively ‘CAW’S” at Archie again is if to say “COME ON THEN!” This feeling is short lived however as Archie expertly attacks the crow in a controlled but brutal burst of talon, beak and wing! The crow can’t match Archie’s strength or skill and also can’t match Alfie’s courage and as such, at the first opportunity the cowardly crow flies away with its proverbial tail between its legs.

  Archie quickly flies over to where Alfie is laying wounded on the floor and looks down at his bruised and battered friend.

  “Alfie! Are you ok?” he says , his eyes wide with concern for his diminutive buddy.

  Alfie’s little eyelids flicker as he slowly turns his head to address his saviour, perhaps for the last time.

  “Lights fading…….,feel numb. Oh the humanity! Wait….Mum,…..is that you?”

  Alfie gestures with his wing as if he sees something behind Archie’s head.

  “What is it Alfie? What do you see?” says Archie intently

  “I see…..I see…..” mumbles Alfie.

  “What? Tell me what you see.” asks Archie once more.

  Alfie looks directly into Archie’s eyes while his own swell with water;

  “I,….I,…..see….dead people!”

  “You see dead people?”

  “Mmm Hmm” confirms Alfie as he nods his little head;

  “…all the time.”

  Archie sighs but throws Alfie a little smile as he realises he is ok and using the opportunity to quote one of his favourite movies - the Sixth Sense.

  “Ooh yeah, good one. We must watch that again soon.” says a relieved Archie as he helps Alfie up.

  “Nah. If it hasn’t got the word “Star” as a prefix he won’t watch it. And plus he hates the kid, he says he reminds him of someone he used to know.”

  Archie props Alfie up and helps him limp inside while they continue their discussion about watching The Sixth Sense with Mervin at some point soon.

  The next morning Arnie wakes up squinting as the morning sun beams in relentlessly through his single glazed window;

  “Where am I? And why do I feel like I’ve just gotten off a rollercoaster?” are the first thoughts that pass through Arnie’s mind as he prizes his eyelids open and peels his face off the bedroom wall.

  He grimaces as he slowly levers his legs off of the bed and sits on the edge, rubbing his sore neck – an unfortunate result of sleeping at a ninety degree angle for the past four and a half hours. He squints at the morning sun and shades his eyes with his hand as he stands up and walks over to examine the cracked pane of glass he just noticed in the bottom corner of the window.

  He mumbles confused nonsense to himself as he continues to rub his neck and picks up a small shard of glass from the window sill. He brings the shard closer to his squinted eyes to examine it and places it back in the small hole at the centre of the spider-web shaped crack in the window to find that it is a perfect fit.

  “Owls? Talking Owls?” he says to himself perplexedly:

  Unfortunately it would seem that Archie’s sleep dust had left Arnie confused, disoriented and feeling quite nauseous - a feeling which most adults might liken to a hangover. This, combined with the fact it is six in the morning convinces him that he should stop racking his brain and just come back to it later when he can think, and more importantly see straight.

  He turns to leave the room b
ut as he does he notices a new folded pair of jeans, a red t-shirt with a picture of a Lion on it in black stencil, some socks and pants and a pair of basic trainers at the end of the bed. Arnie examines the worn grey shirt and holey trousers he is still wearing from the day before and then looks at his old dirty, battered pair of trainers he had on and decides the new threads must be for him.

  He changes into his fresh new clothes and leaves his room feeling like he’s walking on sunshine. As he skips down the magnificent mahogany staircase, he hears a commotion coming from a small room at the other end of the hallway. Arnie approaches it cautiously and puts his ear to the door where he hears;

  “Oww!! Watch what your doing will you!”

  “Well if you’d just hold still for a second this would go a whole lot quicker.”

  A series of bangs and crashes and some foul language follow;

  Arnie opens the door to a small room that is not much bigger than a large cupboard, only to find the two owls he met the previous night, both covered in bandages standing on a large wooden table that’s has test tubes, goblets, jars and bottles and a first aid kit on it. It seems one of the owls was attempting to administer first aid to the other, but seeing as they are both equally mummified it was nearly impossible to tell which one’s actually injured.

  Arnie, having immediately realised that A) the owls were not a figment of his imagination, and B) both have absolutely no idea about basic first aid - takes control of the situation, picks up the items that had been knocked over from the ground, grabs the roll of bandages and double takes between the two owls to see which one needs help.

  “Ok, which one of you two is actually hurt then? Also, if the conversation I had with you two last night was a dream – I’m going to feel very silly in a mo?”

  The two owls stay silent and just look each other and then back at Arnie (although the smaller owl has bandages over his eyes so it’s arguable he can actually see) and just make a couple of quiet “hoo” noises.

  “Seriously, don’t do this to me. If I’m hallucinating at night as well as everything else, I’m not sure I’ll be able cope.”