Arnie, Mervin, & The Blood of Kings

by Pedliham, Luke

  Again, both owls just look back at him blankly. Arnie flops his arms down by his side despondently like he’s just had enough when Mervin strides in and announces;

  “I found the Savlon. It was in the…..…oh, good morning Arnie! I didn’t hear you get up. I see you’ve met the lads. The new threads look good! You’re welcome by the way. So - how did you sleep?”

  A confused looking Arnie turns around to face Mervin as he places the tube of Savlon on the table in front of the owls.

  “Ummmm,….I’m not sure….” he replies cautiously.

  “Uh? You’re not sure? It’s quite simple really - either you slept well or you didn’t! It’s not rocket surgery is it?” says Mervin facetiously.

  Arnie furrows his brow at Mervin’s unnecessarily sarcastic response and launches his own facetious retort straight back in the opposite direction;

  “Well, I was pretty tired after yesterday’s Star Wars marathon and the family freezing and butterfly burping etc, and I reckon I could have slept like a log despite the bed being about as old and as creaky as you are but just as I had finished dreaming about Rosie Jones from year twelve taking me behind the bike sheds after school – I was rudely awoken up by what I thought to be two talking owls badgering me about ‘whoooo’ I am, and for some reason warning me about how dangerous Morgan Freeman is! AND I LIKE MORGAN FREEMAN!!! But, before I could say ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ and just as I was about to find out why he presents such a threat, I was peeling my face off of the wall after having spent the night “sleeping” at a ninety degree angle! So, in answer to your original question,…….”

  Mervin, Archie and Alfie all hunch their shoulders as they brace themselves for what comes next;

  “Not really, no. So what happened to you two anyway?”

  Mervin, taken aback a little by Arnie’s relatively calm response quickly interjects before either of the owls have time to speak;

  “Oh,…nothing. These two were just mucking around outside and Alfie got a bit….”

  “BEATEN TO DEATH!” interrupts Alfie loudly whilst trying to remove the bandages from his eyes so he can scold Mervin with them.

  “Haha! Oh, our Alfie here is a little comedian isn’t he…” jokes Mervin nervously;

  “Don’t patronise me.” mumbles Alfie as Mervin continues to rant over the top of him;

  “No, well you see Alfie here was flying, because that’s what Owls do right, they fly. And well,….you’re not going to believe what happened right, but you see….”

  Arnie, Archie and Alfie all listen on intently….

  “Well, Alfie here,……..he,……he, aww who am I kidding - he got into a fight with an evil crow spy type thing called the Drone General who is part of Morgan’s Drone army. Alfie caught him trying to spy on you last night as you are the last surviving heir to the Pendragon bloodline and the biggest threat to Morgan. He was trying to get into your room either so he could see how much of a threat you might present and report back to Morgan, or to kill you, which would’ve been kinda difficult for him seeing as he’s a bird and you’re, y’know not a bird,….but anyway Alfie here wasn’t strong enough to take him on alone…..”

  “....because I was tired.” interrupts Alfie;

  “…I’d had a busy day and had been up a long time. I also have this old injury in my left wing from back in the day that flared up.” he continues as he rotates his right wing as if to demonstrate the extent of his injury without realising it’s the wrong wing.

  Mervin points at Alfie and nods in agreement as he picks up from him and continues his story;

  “Yes, because Alfie’s injured and that Drone is a big, nasty old thing! So anyway, Archie then literally swooped in and he and Alfie managed to scare off the Drone General because the two of them together are simply UNSTOPPABLE….”

  Archie and Alfie both puff out their chests and look at each other proudly as their master sings their praises;

  “…but as you can see, they both picked up a fair few bumps and scratches along the way. Alfie here got a bit of a hiding unfortunately. Didn’t you Alfie?”

  “Yeah…..” replies Alfie sullenly before bouncing up and down and shadow boxing with his bandaged wings.

  “We took care of business though! Like Mervin said, ‘WE’RE SIMPLE AND UNSTOPPABLE!!!’”

  “Course you are.” replies Arnie sarcastically as he shakes his head and Mervin and Archie both respectively face/wing palm.

  “…a couple of things though Mervin…..” says Arnie;

  Mervin, Archie and Alfie all look on expectantly.

  “First of all, thanks for doing all that fighting and stuff for me. I do appreciate it, and if there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know. Perhaps I’ll fight for you guys one of these days.” says Arnie in a genuine tone.

  “No worries!” - “You’re very welcome.” say Alfie and Archie respectively

  “Secondly, thirdly and fourthly - Who is this Morgan, [I’m assuming it’s not actually Morgan Freeman] why are they sending a crow called ‘The Drone General’ from the very dramatic sounding ‘Army of Drones’ to spy on me, and what on Earth is a Pendragon?”

  “Ah, yes. That.” replies Mervin sheepishly;

  “I wasn’t going to go into all that until you’d trained for a few months at least but I never was any good at fibbing. Lying is something a Wizard doesn’t do very often on account of it being easier just to turn the person you’re meant to be lying to into stone or into a pig or just erasing all memory of it from their mind so they don’t even know what you’re meant to be lying about. In hindsight I probably should have allocated more of my time to learning the mysterious art of bullshi….”

  “You’ve turned people into pigs?” interrupts Arnie;

  “Oh yeah! Back in the day that was one of my favourites. Either a Pig or a Rat. Although I usually saved the Rat for people who really peed me off!” replies Mervin.

  “I like Rats.” says Arnie looking almost offended at Mervin’s revelation;

  “I wouldn’t fancy being one much though.” he continues.

  “Yeah, it was a fairly common occurrence at one point. Get in my face – you’re a Pig! Swap my ‘Loverman’ potion with a laxative – a Rat!”

  “Loverman potion?” ponders Arnie quietly as Mervin continues;

  “So play your cards right, pay attention to your training and never, ever criticise the Star Wars trilogy and I won’t turn you into a Pig I promise.” says Mervin.

  “Trilogy? Aren’t there six films?” asks Arnie innocently;

  “Don’t even go there Arnie! Seriously! There are two trilogies. I was actually going to use today for some more associated training, but the Drone General’s visit has accelerated my plans somewhat.” replies Mervin.

  “Associated training?” asks Arnie.

  “Yeeah,……well I was going to do the prequels today you see. The other trilogy.” replies Mervin sheepishly.

  “Really?” says Arnie with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

  “Yes really. They have their place in the Star Wars universe just like the others. It’s just a shame that,……well, it’s just a shame. You’ll see why. Thankfully there is a way we can watch them all and fill you in on some stuff about your lineage and destiny and blah-blah-blah at the same time.”

  “You have an iPad?” Arnie asks naively.

  Mervin covertly pulls the Scrying stone out from his pocket and replies;

  “Better. Now CATCH!!”

  Mervin casually tosses the Scrying stone to Arnie who falls for his trick hook, line and sinker again as his reflexes take over and he catches it without thinking. Once again Arnie immediately starts convulsing, while the two owls look on and gawk at him intently.

  After about five seconds the Scrying stone loosens its grip and Arnie drops it on the ground where it shrinks, rolls back to Mervin’s feet and hops up into his pocket.

  Arnie snaps out of his trance, turns around and immediately scowls at Mervin. If looks could kill - Mervin woul
d be very dead indeed!

  “What the HELL was that?” says an upset and confused looking Arnie.

  “What? Which part?” replies Mervin intent in his pursuit of an answer;

  “Are we talking Jake Lloyd, Haydn Christensen or Jar Jar Binks?” he says without even missing a beat.

  “Ugh!” says Arnie as if he had just swallowed a bug;

  “Pick one!”

  Mervin raises his eyebrows and nods knowingly. As he tucks the Scrying stone away in his jacket pocket Lady who has been quietly minding her own business by Arnie’s side whimpers in a disappointed tone.

  “Oh yeah. I suppose seeing as Lady sat through the others she should get to see these too.” says Mervin.

  With that, Mervin drops the Scrying Stone and gently kicks it towards Lady. The stone grows to about the size of a tennis ball (dog size) and starts to glow again. Lady, being the clever girl she is places her paw on top of it and immediately starts to convulse similarly to Arnie except with her tongue dangled out and her ears all pricked up at a wonky angle. After four or five seconds the stone stops glowing and Lady is released from its grip. Lady barks loudly in disapproval and immediately turns and squats over the Scrying stone so she can show everyone what she really thinks!

  “NO LADY!” shout Arnie and Mervin in unison.

  Lady obeys her masters command and the Scrying Stone rolls back to Mervin and hops up into Mervin’s pocket again, but Lady barks twice more to reiterate her disdain for what she has just seen.

  “Yeah, shocking isn’t it? Still, Darth Maul though?” says Mervin as he gestures over to Arnie to walk with him.

  As he follows Mervin out of the medical cupboard and Lady follows him, Arnie continues;

  “Yeah. He was pretty cool, and I liked Liam Neeson’s Jesus impression too. It’s just,…why would they,…I mean,………with the silly voice and the ridiculous dialogue?”

  “Again, about whom are we talking?” asks Mervin nonchalantly as they disappear down the long mahogany clad corridor.

  Chapter Seven: The Story so Far

  As they continue to walk along the seemingly endless winding corridors of his home whilst discussing the similarities between Sir Alec Guinness and Ewan McGregor, Arnie notices Mervin having to bow his head as the ‘corridor’ is getting smaller and smaller and his surroundings are starting to change. As he becomes more aware of this and begins to pay attention he also notices that they are walking on a steep downwards slope and that the walls are no longer clad in mahogany but are now made of jagged loose natural rock, like the inside of a cave. As they take the next corner the light starts to fade and Mervin casually picks up a long wooden fire torch from a metal holder that seemed to appear on the wall. He clicks his fingers and magically lights the torch and continues to walk and talk as if it is all normal to him;

  “Errrr Mervin? Where are we going?” asks Arnie cautiously.

  “Hmmm? Oh,…I just want to show you something up ahead. We’re nearly there.” says Mervin nonchalantly.

  Arnie, who is looking increasingly worried as they walk further and further down the increasingly spooky tunnel replies;

  “It’s not how far away we are Mervin, it’s more that,…well, you know – that we seem to be underground and going further underground if I’m not mistaken?”

  “Well,…..you’re kind of right and wrong.” replies Mervin as they continue to walk further down the increasingly claustrophobic confines of the tunnel.

  “Oh for God’s sake!” says Arnie abruptly;

  “More mumbo-jumbo? How can I be both right and wrong about being underground? We’re either underground…or we’re not! It’s that simp…..”

  As Arnie is ranting and before he can fully Articulate the word “simple” they arrive at a small wooden door which Mervin immediately opens revealing a huge panoramic sea view with the wind howling, waves crashing and seagulls flying around them. It would seem they are in the side of a cliff! One seagull that’s just hovering on the wind outside the door minding its own business turns its head, looks at Arnie who is surveying the impressive landscape that has just been thrust upon him and simply says:

  “Alright mate?”

  Arnie, who is still not used to this type of thing, points to himself and says;

  “Who me? Yeah I’m alright! Er,…how’re you?”

  “Sweet.” says the gull who then dives downward and away from the cliff quite effortlessly.

  “Don’t mind the gulls, they’re a funny bunch.” says Mervin

  Arnie nods, his mouth still aghast as Mervin continues;

  “So as you can see we are indeed underground, but also right out in the open – to the extreme in fact.”

  Mervin closes the unnaturally strong wooden door that appears to have withstood a lengthy campaign from the elements for a long, long time.

  “So, all birds can talk then?” asks a comically windswept looking Arnie as he attempts to compose himself and his unruly barnet at the same time.

  “Yes. I mean no,….I mean sort of! Look, all animals can communicate it’s just that we,…well, you can’t understand them. It’s a simple case of being properly tuned into it. For some reason the easiest language to tune into is birdish! We have something of a history with bird’s too…..”

  “Birdish?” says Arnie perplexedly.

  “Yes, birdish is easiest. Well, it’s a toss-up between birdish, sheepish and fishish actually.” replies Mervin

  “Fishish? O.K whatever. What about Doggish?” asks Arnie excitedly as Lady also looks up expectantly;

  “Strangely, that’s one I’ve never gotten my head around. You’d think they’d be the easiest to understand but they’re not. I reckon it’s because there is already a fairly clear channel of communication between man and mutt. Sometimes dogs seem to understand their humans better than they understand themselves.”

  “Yeah, you’re not wrong.” says Arnie in agreement.

  “O.k, I was just hoping I could have a little chinwag with Lady later that’s all.” he continues;

  “She’d only ask you what was for dinner and tell you over and over how much she adores you!” replies Mervin.

  “Awww, yeah. She’s the best!” says Arnie as he bends down and gives Lady a little loving stroke.

  Suddenly there is a strong gust of wind. Mervin’s torch gets blown out and they find themselves in complete darkness. Arnie reaches forward and grabs hold of Mervin’s jacket;

  “Err….Mervin? I can’t see.” he whispers, slightly panicked.

  “Hold on” Mervin whispers as he clicks his fingers once, twice, three times (each time his fingers making sparks) and re-lights the torch.

  “Shhh, we’re nearly there now.” he continues, still whispering.

  “Why are we whispering?” asks Arnie perplexedly - still whispering.

  “I don’t kn…..I DON’T KNOW!” shouts Mervin as he realises the silly turn their conversation has taken.

  They eventually reach the end of the tunnel and arrive in a large open cave. Mervin places the torch in a metal holder on the wall, reaches over and feels around briefly before flipping a switch that illuminates the space, revealing a vast cavern with running water trickling through the walls and ceilings and running down into the floor - all veiled in an eerie, slow moving mist. There are huge, beautiful stalagmites hanging from the ceiling with flecks of what looks like gold and silver peppered throughout them and in the centre of it all another giant metal and crystal chandelier.

  Arnie looks around in awe;

  “Whoa! Now THIS is cool!” he says, clearly impressed:

  “You had electrics installed though? In a cave?” he continues;

  “Yes. Do you have any idea how many of those wooden torches it would take to light this place up Arnie?” asks Mervin defensively.

  “No.” says Arnie.

  “Well neither do I, but it’s a lot! Plus I know an electrician who can literally chase a cable anywhere, and I do like a good chandelier. They’re classy. Back in the da
y everyone had a chandelier – even before there was electricity people had chandeliers. We’d use candles in them. One like this takes a hell of a lot of candles I can tell you,….and the mess it makes is ridiculous Anyway - impressed?” continues Mervin, snapping himself out of his tangent.

  Arnie looks around and marvels at the vast glistening surroundings and nods as he does so.

  “Yeah. I am.” he says, devoid of his usual sarcasm and wit.

  “Marvellous!” replies Mervin dryly as he makes his way further into the cave, manoeuvring carefully around the slippery rocks whilst making good use of his walking staff.

  As he struggles onwards towards a large standing stone rock formation, Mervin turns to Arnie and says;

  “Come on then I haven’t got all day! This way...”

  Arnie snaps out of his trance and bounces over the rocks towards Mervin the way only a kid can. As he reaches the rock formation he slips and nearly falls head first into the centre area the standing stones surround. Mervin quickly and with urgency grabs Arnie’s arm and yanks him back towards him – picking him up and pulling him tightly to his chest, then setting him down just behind him. Mervin, who is breathing very heavily out of what appears to be nervousness, grips Arnie’s arms, looks directly into his eyes and says;

  “YOU need to be more careful Arnie! You’re too eager to just rush in just like your….”

  Mervin pauses mid-sentence to catch his breath.

  “Like my what?” asks Arnie sharply.

  “Like your Father.” he replies sullenly as he looks away sullenly.

  Arnie breaks away from Mervin’s grip with a look of anger and confusion on his face.

  “You weren’t actual Brothers? I guessed that much. How well did you really know him then?” he asks forcefully.

  Mervin gestures with his long veiny hand for Arnie to move away from the edge of the rock formation before explaining;

  “I knew him well Arnie - like I said. We were brothers of sorts. Brothers in arms you might say. We thought he might be,…I mean ‘I’ thought he might have been….the one.”

  “The one? The one what?” asks Arnie as he becomes increasingly frustrated with the lack of real answers.