Arnie, Mervin, & The Blood of Kings

by Pedliham, Luke

  “She will come out of this won’t she Mervin?”

  “Oh yes, she’ll wake up in the next hour or so feeling a bit foggy and confused but I wouldn’t worry about it. She’ll soon be back to normal and then you can both whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ear…….”

  Mervin looks at Arnie who is looking very confused and says;

  “…oh I see! You mean Lady? Yeah she’ll be alright in a minute or so.”

  “Huh? What? Who did you think I meant?” asks Arnie.

  Mervin raises an eyebrow and looks down at Arnie suspiciously.

  “Oh come on Arnie, you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to see it.” he replies.

  “I have no idea…”

  Mervin quickly interjects;

  “But that’s not important right now. I think we have other, more immediate priorities to consider now don’t you?”

  “Yeah, I guess so. Morgan was after me then I take it?” asks Arnie.

  “Yes. She was after you and me and anyone else associated with us. She won’t discriminate. We all need to stay out of her way for now and do our best to get ready for next time.”

  “What about the shack? The house? Whatever it is……can we go back there?” Arnie asks.

  “Not now. Morgan roughly knows where it is now and will be watching intently. It’s protected by a powerful spell which I conjured up some time ago, so thankfully she can’t get into it or even see it, but she knows its approximate location and that I am unable to move it unless I am inside. I just hope my boys are ok….” replies Mervin.

  “Archie! Alfie! They’re not back there are they?” asks a concerned looking Arnie.

  “Yes, they are.” confirms Mervin sullenly;

  “They came back to tell me about your tree climbing escapades and your big mouth! I’m not blaming you Arnie, you weren’t to know that Morgan was right on your coat-tail. Thankfully they’ll be safe as long as they don’t try to leave. If they do Morgan will inevitably see them,…..if she hasn’t already.”

  “Alfie!” says Arnie as he knowingly facepalms;

  “He’s bound to do something silly isn’t he?” he continues;

  “He may well do knowing him. Archie should keep him under control though, he’s the responsible one. But we need to sort this out and quickly!” replies Mervin.

  “Well how do you propose we do that then?” asks Arnie.

  “Well, we’re going to need some more help for a start. We need the help of something sharp, beautiful and dangerous. A thing that all men fear.....”

  “Ooh who is she? She sounds interesting!” asks an intrigued looking Arnie.

  “It’s not a she Arnie. It’s the ex!” exclaims Mervin.

  “The ex? Who’s ex? Your ex? And what do you mean it’s not a she?” asks Arnie as Lady suddenly reanimates and starts licking his face happily.

  “No, no, it’s not mine. It’s yours!” replies Mervin.

  “Mine? But I don’t have a current, let alone an ex! And what do you mean it’s not a she? Come on Mervin, are you gay? It’s ok if you are, things have changed since the dark ages you know……” says Arnie as they disappear once more into the ether.

  Chapter Ten: The Ex

  “CROWS!!!” screams Vera loudly as she sits up sharply in the back of the Dragon, rudely awakened from her slumber.

  She looks at Gwyneth and Loui who are both still out for the count, rubs her eyes and then continues to sit there looking very confused. Arnie who saw Vera wake up in the rear view mirror leans over the backseat and says;

  “I’ll explain later. They’ll both be waking up any second…..NOW! Er…I mean…….NOW!”

  Gwyneth opens her eyes and immediately sees her sister Vera looking back at her checking that she is alright. They both hold hands and rest their foreheads on one another’s in relief. Loui then opens his eyes and immediately blurts out;

  “WAIT! I CAN HEL……,er,……I can help? What happened?”

  “Mervin put you to sleep too Loui. Sorry. He’s a bit trigger happy with that finger of his isn’t he?” replies Arnie as Mervin waves his long bony index finger at them cheerily.

  “But I could have helped. What happened?” asks Loui sulkily.

  “Ah, don’t worry. We took care of it.” says Arnie in a very blasé manner.

  “HOW?” ask Loui, Gwyneth and Vera in unison.

  “FIRE!” reply Arnie and Mervin, also in unison!

  “Dragons fire to be exact!” continues Mervin;

  “This here is the Dragon, and you lucky people are all currently sitting in its belly, so behave yourselves! It saved your lives, with a little help from yours truly of course.” he says as he lovingly runs his hand over the steering wheel.

  “Er,…..sorry but,….WHO ARE YOU?” screeches Vera who is still somewhat taken aback by the whole ordeal.

  Mervin looks away from the road that isn’t there, turns to Vera and says in a very serious tone;

  “I am a dream to some! A NIGHTMARE TO……”

  “…..and where the hell are we?” interrupts Vera as she glances out of the window into the swirling mists of nothingness ignoring Mervin’s attempt at a grandiose speech.

  “others……” continues Mervin under his breath.

  “He’s Mervin, and he actually is a wizard! He’s also quite weird like I said though, so I wasn’t lying before,….and we’re travelling through the ethereal plane again. Just, this time we’re in a magic truck instead of a magic broom cupboard.” interjects Arnie.

  Mervin mumbles something to himself, still upset that Vera cut him off mid flow;

  “A bloody powerful wizard too as it happens. And you’d do well to remember it!” he continues;

  “Oh, ok.” replies Vera.

  “Right, let me just make sure I’ve got this right,….” says Gwyneth forcefully;

  “So, he’s a Wizard,…..naturally, and we seemingly don’t like roads or paths or cars or bikes anymore, we like the ethereal plane instead.”

  “It’s the only way to trav……”

  “Not finished!” says Gwyneth cutting Mervin off once again, sending him into another strop;

  “We’ve been attacked by like, every raven that ever existed, bundled into the back of a car by a weird old man that’s drugged us, kidnapped us and is currently taking us to God knows where!! Is that about right?”

  Vera and Loui look away from Gwyneth and then back at Mervin expectantly;

  “Well, it’s not quite that simple, they’re crows not raven’s and no drugs have been involved at any point…..yet, but as things stand I suppose that’s a fairly accurate assessment. Would you like to know more?” replies Mervin.

  “Yes please!” they all reply together

  “Ok, it’s like this – Arnie here is a very special boy.”

  Arnie shy’s away looking very embarrassed as Mervin continues;

  “His very being here helps maintain a balance between man and nature, or the spirit of the Earth. What we call Gaia! He is a direct descendant of a very powerful bloodline that has been referred to by many names over the years, but which has widely been known as the blood of kings for the last several hundred. A destiny like his unfortunately and inevitably always comes with a price however, and in his case that price has meant he has had to overcome some difficult obstacles in his life already, and will likely face even more going forward! It also comes in the form of a very powerful enemy who wants the polar opposite to what Arnie is all about. Chaos, darkness, pain, fear,…..the Phantom Menace played on loop for the rest of eternity,…..you get the idea, bad, bad stuff! The incident with the Drones was initiated by one such person, an evil woman called Morgan who has all but mastered Chaos magic, which makes her VERY powerful and VERY dangerous! We escaped, or as I prefer to see it - I saved you from that [you’re welcome by the way], and we are now en-route to find an ancient artefact that only Arnie can wield and that will help us on our quest.”

  “What artefact?” asks Loui, intrigued by Mervin’s story; />
  “Glad you decided to join the discussion!” says Mervin facetiously;

  “We are going to try and find the very artefact that helped one of our more successful and legendary carriers of the blood of kings to establish a balance that was very close to being a TRUE and lasting balance. It helped said man ensure the land thrived naturally and unhindered for many, many years. I call it The Ex!”

  “….and what is it?” asks Loui.

  “That all depends.” replies Mervin cryptically, followed by a long pause;

  “ON WHAT?!” Loui, Gwyneth, Vera and now Arnie all exclaim in unison as they are all a little fed up with Mervin’s slow and obtuse delivery.

  “Ah yes, on what. Well it all depends on what you need!” replies Mervin, prodding Arnie in the chest with his bony finger;

  “The Ex will be whatever you need it to be. What you need most. So, I guess we’ll see when we get there won’t we? It’s quite exciting really!”

  “Exciting? Try terrifying!!” replies Vera.

  “Disturbing!” says Gwyneth.

  “Confusing….” says Loui, his animated face emoting exactly that as Mervin rolls his eyes at their lack of a sense of adventure;

  “So where are we going to find it then?” asks Arnie.

  “Stonehenge!” replies Mervin excitedly followed by “sort of.” under his breath.

  “Ooh, I’ve been there! Mum took me when I was a baby.” exclaims Arnie just as excitedly as Mervin;

  “I know.” replies Mervin.

  “You do?” asks a puzzled Arnie.

  “Yes, that was how we found you. You popped up on our radar back then and we’ve been following you ever since. Not in a stalker-ish way or anything. News travels and we literally have eyes everywhere. Stonehenge is a communication device of sorts you see. It was how ancient druids, wizards, witches and warlocks, both good and bad ones mind you, ‘Skype’d’ each other before there was actually Skype. Now, unfortunately, Stonehenge is one of the last communicators that remains.” says Mervin as he turns his tone from factual to sombre.

  “Why, what happened to the others?” asks Vera as they all become embroiled in the story.

  “Well, when this particular legendary leader I just mentioned had seemingly beaten the users of chaos magic or the ‘un-naturals’ as we called them back in the day, into submission it prompted anyone associated with them that had survived to take extreme measures to stay hidden from him and his knights. Gradually over their time spent hidden in the shadows, they came together and combined their powers to create a new weapon and strategy with which they could destroy the blood of kings. The weapon they created turned out to be what they called ‘chaos fire’ and the strategy was simply patience. When they eventually did resurface with their new weapon and at a time when the knights’ guard was well and truly down, they destroyed the vast majority of them as well as the knights themselves. Out of a whole kingdom of knights, only a handful survived…”

  “Chaos fire?” says Gwyneth open mouthed as Mervin seems to drift off into a memory;

  “Hmm? Oh, yes Chaos fire. There have only ever been a few un-naturals that can actually handle its volatile nature but Morgan is unfortunately one of them. It burns a deep, blood red at temperatures that are not even quantifiable by man when it is at its most potent. It is, simply put, pure evil given form and at its most potent - can consume anything! The Dragon’s breath was the only real defence against it and that was what I used to preserve Stonehenge as it was the central hub of our communicators, and it was too late to save anything or anyone else.”

  “So, like, when we get there you’re going to call for help right? From another wizard or something?” asks Vera hopefully.

  “No. As I say most of the other communicators were destroyed. Any that still remain are hidden even from me. And also wizards are something of a rarity these days. Chances are even if I did locate another communicator there wouldn’t be anyone at the other end anyway! I think there are probably a few other communicators like this dotted around the ether but our immediate victory brought with it complacency and we subsequently lost track of most of them as a result. I for one learned my lesson, and as such I covered Stonehenge in multiple layers of protective spells and incantations. Even Morgan can’t get through them - with or without chaos fire! Anyway, we’d best get a move on. Morgan probably knows where we are headed and even though she can’t break the spells, I’m quite sure it won’t stop her trying. Best to avoid her altogether I reckon.”

  Mervin looks at the faces of the four children and one Dog in his truck, all of whom are nodding frantically in agreement with Mervin’s last statement.

  Arnie then interjects with an idea;

  “What about if we went back in time and got The Ex before Morgan turned up back in Tintagel? I know exactly where she comes out of the woods and could dig a hole right underneath her…..”

  “We can’t travel back in time Arnie. That’s just silly!” says Mervin, cutting Arnie off mid-flow;

  “….sometimes the ether will jump us forward a little bit for continuity’s sake, but no more than a day or so. Going back in time is much more dangerous than going forward. Even if we’re only talking an hour or two. There are just too many variables involved. Plus, you’d end up with people like you wanting to go back every ten minutes so they can beat the all-time high-score on Angry Birds or place a bet on a football match that they know the result of, just like in Back to The Future 2!”

  They all look back at Mervin blankly;

  “Ugh! Whatever. Look travelling back in time is just bad o.k. Just look at what happened in The Butterfly Effect?” says Mervin as they all look on with a blank expression;

  “Twelve Monkeys then?”

  Their faces remains blank;

  “Terminator?”

  “Nope!” says Arnie, shaking his head.

  “Terminator 2? Terminator 4?” Mervin continues;

  “What happened to Terminator 3?” interjects Arnie;

  “I have no idea. Bad script, bad direction, bad actors…..pick one!” replies Mervin while not missing a beat.

  “Yeah I did hear that actually. Still haven’t seen it though.” says Arnie.

  Mervin begins listing more and more movies with a time-travel subplot to explain the dangers of time travel;

  “Looper? Donnie Darko? The Time Machine?” continues Mervin as Arnie continues to shake his head at each film.

  “Ok, as much as it pains me to say it – what about Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home?”

  Loui leans forward and interrupts:

  “Ooh, this is the one with the fish right?”

  “Whales actually!” replies Mervin.

  “Oh, it’s set in Wales? I haven’t seen that one then…..” says Loui sounding quite disheartened;

  “No not in Wale……look, forget Wales or Whales it doesn’t matt……wait, what about Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure? It’s on telly every Sunday practically!”

  “YES!” exclaim Arnie and the others excitedly almost in unison.

  “Finally!” says Mervin;

  “So you know then going back in time is VERY BAD, OK?” he shouts visibly frustrated.

  They all sit in silence for a minute until Gwyneth sheepishly pipes up;

  “But…..didn’t they pass their history exam because they went back in ti….”

  “LOOK GOING BACK IN TIME IS BAD. GOING FORWARD A BIT - NOT BAD! THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT ALRIGHT. NOW SHUT UP ALL OF YOU….I’m trying to drive.” replies Mervin as he reaches the end of his proverbial rope.

  “But we’re on the ethereal plane?” says Arnie not knowing when to leave best alone.

  Gwyneth puts her hand on Arnie’s shoulder and shakes her head at him signalling him to leave Mervin alone now as he has clearly had enough.

  “Which is cool. You need to keep your eyes on the…..er…..mist I guess.” he continues.

  Mervin ignores him and just moodily looks dead ahead.

  “I’ll just shut up then.
” says Arnie.

  “That’d be swell. Thanks!” replies Mervin facetiously;

  “Further to that, and if you are all ready, we will [finally] begin our descent into Stonehenge. Arnie, you see that up in the distance?” he asks pointing ahead to a large golden orb that is gently balancing on the swirling mists of the Ether like a freshly laid egg from the golden goose on a cloud of cotton wool.

  “What is that?” asks Arnie as he squints to try and make it out.

  “A moon?” asks Gwyneth

  “That’s no moon!” says Mervin as he smiles widely, slipping quickly back into his geeky old self.

  Arnie rolls his eyes as Loui smiles and says to Mervin;

  “Ah, Star Wars! ‘It is too big to be a space station’ no? ‘and it is too small to be a moon?’ this is great, I love it!”

  “You’re a good boy Loui.” says Mervin while looking at Arnie, insinuating that he is not a good boy.

  “Don’t encourage him Loui.” says Arnie whilst looking at Mervin as they continue their approach into Stonehenge;

  “So? What is it then?” he asks.

  “It’s the portal to Stonehenge. You used to be able to use these to jump from any one communicator to another in a nanosecond if you had a Scrying stone or something similar, which I do of course! These days however,…..well there’s just no point because they are mostly gone.” replies Mervin as he drives headfirst into the portal.

  On the A303 right next to Stonehenge, Sheila McDonald, her husband Graham, her three children (Matthew, Ben and Leo) and their Pug dog Wally, are all stuck in traffic in the family Corsa. Sheila is turned around facing the backseat and is currently mid-way through chastising the children for being naughty;

  “….I’m trying to have a look at one of the ancient wonders of the world here, your father is trying to drive and all you three can do is misbehave and tease Wally! Ben, why would you try to stick a mint up Wally’s bum? Why not put it in his mouth like us?”

  As the two other boys in the both back giggle and snigger at this, the little boy who looks about four or five years old, and whom we assume is Ben replies;