Arnie, Mervin, & The Blood of Kings

by Pedliham, Luke

  “I,….they,…..but they’re not good for dogs though Mummy.”

  “Well they’re not good up his bum either are they Ben? It’s bad for him there too. Worse even! He clearly doesn’t like it, just look at his little face……”

  Ben looks down at the cute wide eyed Pug that is balancing uncomfortably on his lap, looks back up at his Mum and says;

  “….what about a jelly bean? He might like those better. Do you like jelly beans better Wally?” he says as he directs his attention back to his diminutive friend.

  The other kids can’t hold back the laughter this time and laugh out loud as does the Dad Graham. Wally’s face speaks volumes at this point however:

  “No, he doesn’t like anything up there at all Benny. Not anything!”

  The Dad then turns to them all;

  “…and you two can stop laughing! It’s not funny. Ben doesn’t know any better but you two are just encouraging him……”

  As Graham assists his Wife in chastising their children, and while both of their eyes are off the road and the car in front pulls forward - the Dragon appears in the gap in front of them in a puff of golden smoke. As the three children (four including Wally the Pug) look on in silent gobsmacked amazement, Graham stops talking and allows himself and Sheila time to revel in this unusual moment as their dumbfounded children show them the most respect and attention they have done in years! The eldest boy, Matthew then points at the Dragon from his cramped position in the back as Graham and Sheila turn back to the road feeling very smug and authoritative.

  “Dad, can we get one of those when we get our next car? Jake’s Dad has a Mercedes four by four.” asks the biggest boy, Matthew, innocently.

  Graham and Sheila both look out of the windscreen at the magnificent five litre beast that has just appeared in front of them with a shared look of confused awe on their faces.

  “Er…..yeah……maybe……” says Graham as the kids all fist bump and celebrate their imminent new ride.

  Graham slowly leans over to his wife Sheila and whispers;

  “Was that there before?”

  “Well of course it was! It didn’t just appear out of nowehere did it?” replies Sheila belligerently even though she is just as dumbfounded.

  “It did though Mum.” says Matthew from the backseat as his two brothers nod in amazed agreement.

  “Now you lot just stop winding up your father.” says Sheila as she chastises her boys once more.

  “Nah,…..I’m sure it wasn’t there before, I mean it’s not exactly inconspicuous is it?” says Graham;

  Sheila leans over to her husband and whispers;

  “Well you did have some of that funny cigarette at Greg and Daphne’s party a couple of days ago. You might be having a flashback!” says Sheila condescendingly as Graham rubs his eyes and contemplates his own sanity….

  “Right, we’re here! Now to find somewhere to park.” announces Mervin as he scans the area for a parking space.

  “Hold on. How come it’s daylight? Wasn’t it like….nine at night like, only forty five minutes ago?” asks Vera

  “Yeah we probably travelled forward in time. Right Mervin?” chuckles Arnie as Mervin squints back at him scoldingly.

  “So it’s now the next morning?” asks Gwyneth, continuing her sister’s line of questioning;

  “Yes. It’s ten past eight the next morning to be…..almost precise. I need daylight to see what I’m doing and to get us to where we’re going so doing it at in the dark wasn’t really an option…..and Morgan is stronger at night. The ethereal plane was safer than here. At least there are people around at this time. She wouldn’t dare expose herself now.”

  “But what about our parents? They think we haven’t been home all night and have probably called the police and everything!” says Gwyneth worriedly.

  “Ooh, we didn’t think of that Mervin!” says Arnie.

  “Actually I did.” says Mervin smugly;

  “While you three were er……asleep in the Dragon I cast a little misdirection spell over your respective family’s. They think you’re all in China studying Origami.” says Mervin proudly.

  “But Origami is Japanese!” says Loui quickly.

  “Yeah, I know but……it doesn’t mean they can’t study it in China does it? Anyway the point is you all have a free pass for a while.” replies Mervin petulantly.;

  “Until when?” asks Vera.

  “Until I say otherwise.” replies Mervin.

  “You’re all fine so don’t worry. I have more pressing priorities however. Spells, magic, Dragons fire, all that stuff comes easy to me but parking a car anywhere in this country is an absolute bloody nightmare I tell you!”

  “Can’t you just drive over the grass? There looks like there’s a car park over there.” asks Arnie pointing over past the standing stones of Stonehenge.

  “We can’t go that way. Look, it’s all fenced off. We’ll have to go around. I hate traffic.” says Mervin as he slams his hand down and honks the horn.

  “So we can travel through the ether to almost anywhere in the world and even travel forward in time a bit. You can make dogs poo bones and people burp butterflies and even your car can breathe fire and has a funky sounding horn – but traffic jams are where we come unstuck? And I thought this was a Dragon and you were a wizard. How disappointing…..” says Arnie with more than a hint of sarcasm.

  “Yeah, what a let-down.” reiterates Gwyneth.

  “This is true. Tres decevant.” reiterates Loui as he nudges Vera to join in who is obliviously looking out of the window at Stonehenge;

  “Hmm, what? Oh yeah, er……chess decepticon.” she says as she goes back to staring at the ancient stone marvel.

  “Oh! Disappointing is it? Chess decepticon is it? Righto, we’ll see about that!” says Mervin as he flips over the hi-tech board of buttons and switches on his dashboard.

  Mervin plays around with what looks like a small targeting computer for a minute before he looks over at the carpark by Stonehenge and then back to the computer. He then licks his finger and holds it in the air for a second looking contemplative, checks his watch and nods to himself knowingly. He holds his veiny hand over the big red button again and looks at Arnie with a wry smile. He then moves his hand along to an inconspicuous silver switch on the end of the panel, and effortlessly flips it up. Suddenly the Dragon begins to shake vigorously, throwing Arnie and the gang around all over the place. Mervin of course, who is looking at the others bouncing around like pinballs whilst pointing and laughing - is not being thrown around as he is wearing his seatbelt, which he takes great pride in pointing out to the others. Suddenly the Dragon stops shaking providing a split second of respite – and then miraculously disappears in a poof of golden smoke!

  In the McDonald’s family Corsa that is currently situated directly behind the Dragon, all of the family are watching this time and are staring on in amazement, each wearing the same gobsmacked expression on their face. The smallest of the children Ben, who currently has Wally the Pug on his lap and has given said mutt a timely reprieve as he has briefly stopped trying to put a jelly bean inside his bottom, turns to his two older brothers and says;

  “I think I must’ve had some of Daddy’s funny cigarette too? I’m tripping my nuts off!”

  All of the other kids and Wally the Pug nod in agreement as the McDonald family just sit there, quietly questioning their respective sanity.

  Back in the Dragon, which is currently spinning around weightlessly in the ether, Mervin watches Arnie and the others float around in the cab and is clearly enjoying every second of it until Lady floats past him and plants a big smacker, complete with tongue, right on his lips. Lady is clearly having the most fun of all with the weightlessness as she propels herself around the cab, bouncing off the windscreen, the sunroof and everything else whilst spinning around and around at three hundred and sixty degrees. This is all a source of much amusement to everyone, but most of all for Arnie who is belly laughing and taking grea
t pleasure in watching his best friend and loyal companion having an absolute ball floating around the cab of The Dragon. Arnie even spots the bone she pooped earlier floating around and starts playing a game of zero-gravity fetch with her.

  “Looks like the Gravity Drive is playing up again. It’s been a while since her last service. Ok, Arnie - grab the dog and then all of you brace yourselves.” says Mervin as twiddles a few knobs on the dash and begins to count down;

  “Three, two, one, we have lift off! Or touch down more accurately….”

  Mervin then flips the same inconspicuous silver switch on the dash and the Dragon disappears again in the familiar golden cloud of smoke.

  The Dragon rematerializes a moment later in the very car park that Arnie had pointed out and slots itself into a very cramped spot between a people carrier and another four by four. Mervin is looking very smug and proud of himself:

  “How do you like that then? Still disappointed?” he says smugly;

  Arnie and the others all look around at the positioning of the Dragon in relation to Stonehenge and shake their heads signalling that they are not and are actually quite impressed. That is until they try to get out of the truck and realise that Mervin has boxed them in as the doors won’t open more than a few inches either way without hitting the vehicles that flank them.

  “A little bit.” replies Arnie as he opens the sunroof whilst throwing Mervin a similarly smug look.

  Mervin realises his mistake and mumbles to himself petulantly as Arnie and the others climb out of the sunroof and onto the back of the truck.

  “You try parking this thing then! You can’t even drive so I don’t know what you’re talking about…..” he says grumpily.

  Mervin passes Lady out of the sunroof to Loui and Arnie, while Gwyneth and Vera climb down to the ground.

  “Holy Mackerel! This dog of yours weighs a ton Arnie! What do you feed her?” asks Mervin.

  “Whatever we’ve got. Dog food mostly but beggars can’t be choosers.” replies Arnie defensively as he and Loui struggle to hoist Lady out of the sunroof.

  “Is she on those protein shakes too? Blimey!!” exclaims Mervin as he continues to struggle with Lady’s muscular frame.

  As they finally get Lady out of the sunroof she bounds off from the roof, denting it in the process (which is perfectly illustrated by Mervin throwing his hands up in the air and facepalming) and down towards where Gwyneth and Vera are standing.

  “So are we going over then?” asks Vera who still seems quite fascinated and taken with Stonehenge.

  “Actually, we’re going under.” says Mervin cryptically;

  “Under?” replies Vera disconcertedly;

  “What do you mean ‘we’re going under?” reiterates Gwyneth as Arnie and Loui both stay silent but continue to look on eagerly.

  Mervin ignores this and just starts striding towards the standing stones of Stonehenge without even attempting to address the question and nonchalantly gestures for them all to follow him. He walks up to a small, knee high wire fence that separates the car park from the field where Stonehenge stands and uses his cane to push the top wire down so he and the others can hop over. All of the children and Lady follow and hop over the fence accordingly as Mervin holds the wire down for them. They all thank him like the polite children they are, including Lady who of course just barks appreciatively! Loui uses the opportunity to impress Vera and takes her hand to chivalrously help her over the fence - even though she didn’t really need any.

  “Why thank you kind sir!” says Vera as she holds up the bottom of her dress and hops over.

  Arnie watches Loui’s chivalrous actions and decides he won’t be outdone so goes back and helps Gwyneth over also. Gwyneth however, catches the seam of her dress on the wire fence and tears it in the process. Arnie panics and attempts to remove the caught dress from the fence but just makes it worse. Arnie goes bright red in the face and looks at Gwyneth sheepishly for a second and then looks back at Loui and Vera who are standing there hand in hand watching Arnie fail once more where the opposite sex is concerned.

  “I’m so sorry!” says Arnie, genuinely mortified.

  Gwyneth can see that Arnie is both embarrassed and a little jealous of how easily these things seem to come to Loui and takes pity on him by giving him a small but lingering kiss on the cheek and then holding his hand.

  “That’s ok. Now I have an excuse to go shopping for a new one. My Mum might not be so happy about it though.” she says as Arnie’s cheeks go right past red, through radish and into scarlet in a nanosecond!

  Mervin, Loui, Vera and even Lady throw them both a big smile as Arnie and Gwyneth just stand and stare into each other’s eyes.

  “Come on then sunbeam! Let’s go and get this sword” interjects Mervin endearingly, before striding off towards Stonehenge, making good use of his cane again in the process.

  “SWORD?!” comes the uniformly concerned reply from Gwyneth, Vera and Loui. Lady just whimpers slightly at this bombshell.

  Arnie however is not concerned by it at all. In fact he is very excited at the prospect of swinging around a sword again, this time preferably with no collateral damage to cuckoo clocks though.

  “Wicked cool! I knew I was going to do some training that didn’t involve watching Star Wars or learning about Star Wars. I’m gonna learn to swordfight!” he says as he jogs up behind Mervin, eager to just get to wherever they are going.

  “Well, I say ‘sword’ because it was a sword the last time I saw it, but The Ex wasn’t forged by an ordinary blacksmith, nor was it ever swung by an ordinary man. The Ex is whatever you need it to be. It was forged deep inside the belly of the Earth by Gaia and then spat out upon humanity by the Dragon,…the other Dragon that is, not my Dragon. It’s conscious, sentient even - and it knows you are coming for it. It has been waiting for you for a long time. You will certainly be training with it but it may not be swordfighting!”

  “But, you said it was a sword.” sulks Arnie.

  “I said it will be whatever you need it to be.” replies Mervin quickly.

  “I need a sword!” demands Arnie petulantly;

  “Please don’t let it be a sword, please don’t let it be a sword, please don’t let it be a sword….” says Vera to herself as Loui pulls her close to him to comfort her.

  “I think swords are cool.” says Gwyneth chirpily.

  “Me too!” exclaims Loui as Vera pulls away from him and looks at him scornfully.

  As the six of them walk past all the tourists that are all standing around looking at Stonehenge through their camera or smartphone viewfinders, Arnie starts to feel a little light headed and stops by the first standing stone they come to and leans on it. A security guard in the distance spots that they are over the barrier and touching the stones and so makes his way over to them;

  “Are you ok Arnie?” asks Gwyneth;

  “He’s fine. It’s The Ex calling out to him. He’ll be like this for a while in all probability. We’re going to need you three…..”

  [Lady barks]

  “…ok, you four - to help him.” replies Mervin hastily as the security guard approaches:

  Loui rushes over and puts his arm around Arnie to help him up as Lady runs over to the security guard and jumps up at him happily, distracting his attention to her for the moment.

  “Hello boy!” says the security guard in a deep west-country accent as he pets Lady’s head.

  Lady backs off a little looking slightly offended by the security guards incorrect assumption.

  “She’s a girl actually. But she likes you!” says Gwyneth as she and Vera walk over towards him in a further attempt to divert his attention from Arnie and Mervin;

  “Oh,…I’m sorry girl, you are lovely though.” says the guard as Lady rolls around at his feet flirtatiously:

  “Er,…..you can’t be here though. You need to be back over behind the barrier.” he continues as he looks over the girls shoulder at the strange looking older gentleman and his accomplices all
acting very shadily around the standing stones.

  “Oh, but we,…..we, we’ve lost Lady’s toy. Our friend Lan….Landon, threw it and Ar….er…..Aaron is distraught at having lost it. Look at him. He can barely stand up because of the stress! That’s our dad,…GRANDDAD….over there with him.”

  They all look over at them as Loui and Mervin both support Arnie as best they can;

  “Oh. Is he ok?” asks the guard.

  “Oh yeah. He’ll be fine.” replies Gwyneth casually.

  “When they find the toy of course.” Vera continues.

  “Yes, yes, when they find the toy he’ll be fine!” says Gwyneth as she corrects herself.

  The security guard continues to pet rub Lady’s belly as she rolls around and puts her all into distracting him. But regardless of his friendly nature, the guard still has a job to do and is clearly the conscientious sort;

  “I’m sorry, but you still can’t be over here! I’ll go and have a look for your toy but you guys are going to have to get back over behind the fence.”

  The security guard walks away from Lady [who seems very put out by this development], towards the others and starts waving his walkie-talkie around in an attempt to get their attention:

  “Excuse me, excuse me, sorry but you need to go back over behind the fence!” he says directing his instruction towards Mervin;

  “Your granddaughters tell me you’re looking for Lady’s toy. Where did it go?” he asks.

  Mervin makes sure Loui has hold of Arnie and whispers in his ear;

  “Take Arnie over by those two big stones with the other big stone over the top of them, the one that looks like a door, and wait for me there.”

  With that, Mervin strides off towards the security guard and addresses him directly;

  “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t know. My Nephew Arnold is feeling ill and we wanted to just..…”

  “Nephew? Arnold? I thought you were his Grandfather and his name was Aaron!?” interrupts the security guard;

  Mervin looks over at the two girls scornfully, then back to the guard who is just about to radio for backup, and touches him once on the forehead with his index finger. They all then watch the guard slump to the ground in a gelatinous heap, oblivious to anything and everything that’s going on around him.