Arnie, Mervin, & The Blood of Kings

by Pedliham, Luke

  A group of tourists that includes the McDonald family are watching this all unfold from a distance so Mervin decides to move it along quickly;

  “Quickly, quickly!” he says as he gestures to the Lady and the girls to follow him to the stones where Loui is supporting Arnie as he asked;

  “Right, you two go and stand next to the boys, take Lady with you and make sure you keep her on a short leash so to speak.” continues Mervin.

  Gwyneth and Vera quickly take Lady over to where Loui and Arnie are standing and shuffle up next to them between the standing stones. Mervin then moves Arnie onto the end, with Loui, Vera, Lady and Gwyneth all respectively next to him, and then stands at the other end.

  “Arnie, you need to touch the stone on your side for this to work.”

  Arnie who is still feeling a little light headed simply nods and places his hand against the ancient stone structure on one side. Mervin then takes out the Scrying stone from his pocket and positions it at waist height on the other side - like an elevator button and says in an American accent;

  “We’re on an express elevator to Hell!! GOING DOOOOWN!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!”

  The Scrying stone begins to glow and Arnie snaps out of his trance due to the bombshell Mervin just dropped - and they ALL start to panic as they disappear into the ground from the head down in a golden sheen.

  Back behind the barriers, Graham McDonald and family stand open mouthed in shock as they all just witnessed five people and a dog disappear into the ground beneath Stonehenge in a puff of golden smoke!

  “I will be having words with Greg about the things he passes around at his parties!” says Graham as his wife just nods along in agreement, also gobsmacked.

  “I think you should also look into what they put in the juice too Dad…...” says the eldest boy Matthew as he tugs at his Dad’s jacket;

  “……we’re all tripping our nuts off too!” he continues as his two brothers and Wally the Pug all nod in agreement.

  Arnie, Mervin and the others all rematerialize, not in Hell, but in what appears to be a complete version of Stonehenge (i.e not old, worn and with missing pieces) except situated underground and in the same black and gold flecked granite as the standing stones in the cave under Tintagel.

  “AN EXPRESS ELEVATOR WHERE???” say Gwyneth and Vera in panicky stereo as they all fully rematerialize.

  “If this is Hell, then it‘s not that bad I think.” says Loui calmly as he casually scans the surroundings.

  “Don’t tell me. It was a quote from Star Wars?” says Arnie who is now standing up on his own and looking much better.

  “No - Aliens! One of James Cameron’s better films.” says Mervin as Gwyneth and Vera both clutch at their respective chests in relief.

  “Oh, he did Titanic didn’t he?” asks Gwyneth innocently.

  “Ooh! I totally love that film. Leo’s just dreamy in it.” says Vera as Mervin sneers back at her and visibly shudders at the mention of the words ‘Titanic’ and ‘Leo’.

  Mervin ignores this blasphemy and turns around to address Arnie instead;

  “Arnie, we are now standing in front of the original ancient communicator you know as Stonehenge, except, as you can see, this one is clearly in better nick.”

  “I’m confused. Why didn’t we just come to this Stonehenge first rather than spending all that time trying to park at the other one?” asks Arnie as the other all nod their heads, looking to Mervin for answers;

  “This is the same Stonehenge,…in a manner of speaking. This is the REAL Stonehenge! The one back in Wiltshire is just a copy. A duplicate. You see, each ancient communicator has a double, a doppelganger if you will - that you can travel to and from with relative ease from the other.”

  “Naturally.” replies Arnie sarcastically.

  “So where exactly are we then?” asks Vera who is clearly anxious about being in a strange confined space.

  “No one knows exactly, which is just as well really because they would probably all have been destroyed along with their doppelgangers if we did. As it stands it was just those – the ones on Earth, that were destroyed. The originals like this one are all still out there somewhere, sitting idly by, waiting to be discovered. I just hope it isn’t one of the un-naturals that discovers them.” replies Mervin.

  “So, you don’t know where we are?” asks Vera again, this time with a tad more panic in her voice.

  Gwyneth holds Vera’s arm and pulls her close in an attempt to comfort her.

  “We’re somewhere on the ethereal plane. That I do know. That said the ethereal plane isn’t exactly small.” replies Mervin as he shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly, prompting Vera to go straight to panic stations.

  “Oh god, oh god, oh god we’re stuck in a cave on the ethereal plane and even our very own Wizard doesn’t know where we are! I’ve gotta get outta here, I’ve gotta get out now….”

  Mervin prods Vera on the forehead with his index finger to ‘relax’ her once more and she slumps to the ground again accordingly with Gwyneth still holding her arm all the while.

  Gwyneth purses her lips and is about to start screaming at Mervin about the ethics of knocking her sister out when she remembers what happened to her last time, and subsequently decides against it. Mervin just looks at her with his eyebrows raised and his index finger extended in an ominous pose, which proves to be enough of a deterrent;

  “Ok, whatever. Let’s get this done shall we?” says Gwyneth eagerly as she lets go of Vera’s arm and it drops to the ground.

  “Right you are!” says Mervin as he claps his hands together enthusiastically and looks at Arnie expectedly.

  “Don’t look at me! You brought us down here. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!” says Arnie defensively.

  “You need to find The Ex don’t you? I thought we’d covered this already….” replies Mervin facetiously.

  “Well yes, but you never said how to find it did you?” replies Arnie in a similarly facetious tone.

  “Well it wouldn’t be much of a challenge if I gave you written instructions now would it? This part is for you alone I’m afraid. We’re all here for you, but you need to find the Ex on your own - and then you’ll need to release her!” continues Mervin.

  “Her? Release? Release her? What are you talking about? Who do I have to release?” says an increasingly worried looking Arnie.

  Loui suddenly steps up behind Arnie, places a hand on his shoulder and heroically says;

  “I will help you Arnie Pendragon!”

  “You’ll do no such thing!” snaps Mervin quickly;

  “Arnie has a deep connection to The Ex and he needs to do this alone. I can point him in the right direction and we can all be there waiting for him when he returns, but no more. If we help him and put a foot wrong in doing so it could potentially upset the balance between good and evil and bring about the end of everything and life as we know it as the universe implodes in upon itself!” he continues.

  “I will not help you Arnie Pendragon!” says Loui immediately after as he quickly removes his hand from Arnie’s shoulder and quietly slips back to where he was stood before.

  “Nice. Thanks for being there mate!” says Arnie sarcastically.

  “Ok,….but you can point me in the right direction right Mervin?” asks Arnie.

  “Yup! That’s all though.” Mervin replies.

  “Well?......” says Arnie expectantly.

  Mervin then extends his right arm and casually points towards a small hole in the wall of the cave that is just big enough for a boy Arnie’s size to fit through.

  “Through there is where your quest shalt begin. Proceed with caution though young Arnie, for darkness awaits you. You will need this…”

  Mervin hands Arnie a flaming torch from the wall of the cave and points to the hole in the wall again whilst becoming quite excited and animated about what’s on the other side;

  “Beyond thy wall lay many trials, obstacles and traps. There may be snarling monsters and wild beasts with
razor sharp claws and teeth, and eyes that are blacker than the blackest night, and…..with the claws……and er,…more sharp, SHARP teeth! I know not what awaits you on the other side for it is forbidden for me to venture forth with you. We, your faithful followers shall stand vigil here and await your swift retu….”

  “What on EARTH are you talking about Mervin? Why are you talking like my drama teacher? Have you been drinking? Mr Dagley usually has!” snaps Arnie.

  “Oh, that’s just charming that is! No I have not been drinking like Mr Dagley, although if he speaks like that all the time, I would like to buy him one in the near future. You know, there was a time not so long ago when a kin……an important person like yourself would expect to be spoken to like that. That was how everyone spoke instead of saying things like ‘Innit’ and ‘like’ and ‘totes’ all the bloody time!” says Mervin despairingly as he throws the twins a disproving look.

  Gwyneth looks down at Vera’s chilled out face as she gazes up at the ceiling from the floor at this point and says;

  “Well, she aint saying much now is she?”

  Mervin points a Gwyneth accusingly;

  “Aint? Case and point right there!” he says, directing his verbal tirade back towards Arnie;

  “Anyway, I’ll say no more if all you’re going to do is take the piss. Go on, that’s where you’ve got to go, through there – off you go!” says Mervin as he points and waves Arnie off toward the hole in the wall.

  Arnie turns and slowly approaches the wall with trepidation. As he does so Lady sidles up beside him and looks up at him as if to say “I’m coming with you though right?”

  “No Lady. You need to wait here.” says Arnie as he points over at the others.

  Lady reluctantly obeys the command and anxiously sits back down at the feet of Gwyneth who kneels down behind her to give her a little reassuring cuddle.

  Arnie creeps over to the hole in the wall and pokes his head no more than an inch into the ‘entrance’ but can see nothing but darkness. He looks back over his shoulder at his companions who are all sporting the same horrified look on their faces, apart from Mervin who is inexplicably just standing there grinning gormlessly and sticking out his thumb as a sign of encouragement! Arnie frowns worriedly, turns back to the hole in the wall and squeezes himself in. When his head pops out on the other side he is faced with only pitch black stillness and the echoes of his own breath and accelerated heartbeat. He winces in pain as he pulls his whole body through the hole while being very careful not to drop the torch Mervin handed him, and eventually emerges fully on the other side. He brushes himself off and cautiously lifts up the torch so he can see what manner of horror awaits him in the dark. He looks around tentatively before he sees a fountain and pool of water at the back of what is in fact a fairly small ‘room’ in the cave.

  Arnie hears a ‘crack’ next to him and jumps to one side nervously while shining the torch downward to see the twig he just stepped on. He quickly looks around, wondering where the traps and obstacles and beasts with sharp teeth, claws and more sharp teeth are hiding - waving the torch erratically in the direction of every single little sound he hears in the process.

  He slowly approaches the pool and tests the water with his finger;

  “Ok, not acid. That’s good.” he says to himself as he dries his finger on his T-shirt, still wondering where all the traps and obstacles are:

  He then spots a golden glimmer coming from the fountain which he first thinks is Mervin winding him up;

  “Not funny Mervin!” shouts Arnie, but no response is forthcoming, only the echoes of his own voice.

  Arnie sees the golden shimmer by the fountain once again and this time he decides to pursue it. He places his right foot in the pool, followed by his left and gradually begins to wade through the shin high water. A moment later, the shin high water becomes knee high water and then shortly after, waist high. He waves the torch over the surface of the water at this point to see if there is anything in there with him, but he can see nothing except his own feet and legs in the clear, dark water.

  “No sharks either. Also good.” he says as he shudders and his teeth start to chatter from the cold.

  As he reaches the fountain at the back of the pool he feels some steps beneath his feet and walks up them towards the fountain. At closer inspection he realises it is shaped like a single castle turret and has water coming out of the little windows all around it. It is covered in moss and mould and has twigs and dead flowers covering it too. At the bottom of the structure he spots the portcullis which further reinforces that it is in fact a model of a castle. Arnie is obviously impressed and marvels at the detail on it even though the constant running water has worn away at most of it over the years, and there is the afore mentioned moss and muck on it. In this brief moment of distraction - as he looks over the fountain from a couple of different angles, he notices a glimmer of metal through one of the small windows and realises that the structure is hollow. Intrigued, Arnie leans the torch up against the side of the fountain and stands up on tip toes so he can see over the top and down inside it. Dirt and soil and who knows what else has built up inside over the years so he digs out all of the muck with his hands until he reveals more metal. Unfortunately in his haste to remove it he accidentally pulls away a fairly sizeable loose part of the fountain structure and holds it out in his hands in front of him.

  “Aww man!” he says guiltily.

  “WHAT? WHAT IS IT? ARE THERE SNARLING BEASTS WITH TEETH? OR TRAPS MAYBE?” shouts Mervin through the hole in the wall.

  “OH – SO YOU CAN HEAR ME?” Arnie shouts back.

  “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” replies Mervin.

  “Wha……then how did you hear me just then?” says Arnie to himself before shouting.

  “NO, IT’S OK, I’M ALRIGHT. EVERYTHING IS FINE. As you were……”

  As he is turned away and shouting at Mervin, some more pieces fall away from the fountain, followed by a few more until inevitably the whole thing collapses at Arnie’s feet with him still standing there holding the one solitary piece in his hand - which he subsequently drops despairingly along with the others.

  Arnie just stands there open mouthed and motionless as the collapse of the fountain reveals the most magnificent looking sword he has ever seen being hidden within it. He inspects the weapon in front of him and decides in that moment that a sword so beautiful and majestic could only be The Ex! He stands there aghast, admiring the perfect golden pommel and strangely unspoiled brown leather grip before moving on to the gleaming golden cross guard that is astonishingly detailed with strange patterns and some sort of incomprehensible writing on it. He runs his fingers carefully and lovingly in and around the subtle grooves in the cross guard before moving down towards the business end. The blade however is sheathed in a small but sturdy standing stone that was also housed inside the fountain - meaning he would be only be able to admire it fully by somehow removing it from the stone.

  Arnie’s eyes widen with awe and expectation as the shiny sword reflects back in them as he gradually wraps his right hand around the unspoiled grip. As he grasps it tighter the dead flowers, dried twigs and moss that surround him mysteriously start to grow and gain colour as they all inexplicably come back to life. He wraps his other hand around the base of the adult sized grip as he gets ready to release the sword from its stone prison - all the while the flowers, weeds and vines all continue to grow all around him as if the connection he has with the sword somehow bridges his connection to Gaia. Still oblivious to what is happening around him and having now got a full grip on the sword, Arnie positions his feet on either side of the stone, bends his knees and gradually pulls the sword from the stone which he seems to do with relative ease. He gives it one final tug at the end and completely removes the sword - immediately holding it up above his head triumphantly!

  Entranced by the sheer magnificence of the sword, Arnie doesn’t notice the water in the fountain behind him starting to flow and move as if there were
something alive in it with him. He lets out a deep sigh of relief and finally allows his gaze to drift away from the sword to the now lush, green walls and floor which are now full of life as bugs, birds and butterflies appear from holes in the floor, ceiling and walls, presumably to see what all the commotion is about. As he turns, panoramically taking in the sudden change in surroundings Arnie finds himself face to face with what appears to be a veiled woman made entirely of water. His mouth widens but without any jokes, sarcasm or facetiousness coming from it as the watery woman extends her arm and places her hand on his and looks him in the eyes. He looks back at the ghostly woman who gently smiles back and says in an eerie voice;

  “Protect her Arnie,…and she will protect you.”

  Then the watery lady suddenly dissipates, falling away back into the pool from whence she came.

  Arnie just stands there aghast for a moment as he attempts to comprehend what just happened, before his face changes from awestruck to terrified in an instant as he realises that he has probably just seen a ghost;

  “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!” screams Arnie as he jumps off from the fountain ledge and runs back towards the wall.

  Apparently witches, drones, teleporting trucks and talking owls don’t frighten Arnie that much but a ghostly woman made of water falling apart in front of him really, really does!

  Loui, Gwyneth, Vera and of course Lady were already trying to get a view of what was happening through the hole in the wall before this point so Arnie’s screams only exacerbate this and encourage them to cram their respective bonces further into the hole. Mervin however is altogether calmer and takes it all in his stride;

  “Er, guys – I’d move out of the way if I were you, Arnie will be coming through there any second…….NOW!”

  The young troupe then disperse with haste as the small hole in the wall suddenly becomes a big hole in the wall as Arnie bursts through, hacking and slashing at the crumbling rock with his new toy. He then just stands there in front of his shocked friends all covered in rock dust and out of breath - but victorious nonetheless as the once dead, dried up plant life continues to become reinvigorated and full of life around him.