You'll Find Me in Manhattan

by Jill Knapp

  “I wish I had known sooner,” he muttered in a near-whisper. “But you still have time. You have a choice.”

  Didn’t I always? But when had I chosen wisely? I thought about Hayden’s offer to join him in Gainesville. I could feel the side of my lip pulling my face into a grimace. Dr. Greenfield didn’t seem to notice.

  “Don’t choose poorly,” he shook his head. If I looked close enough, I could see the sparkle of tears beginning to form in his brown eyes. “And congratulations on your commencement and acceptance into Hunter College. You worked hard and you deserve it.”

  I turned my head away and reached for the door, but it was no use. His words had already penetrated something deep inside me. Perhaps it was something I had known all along.

  I could almost hear Autumn’s voice gloating in my head.

  In psychology this is referred to as a “breakthrough”.

  I scrambled through a crowd of families and security to finally make my way to the gathering area. I spotted Michael chatting with Olivia and darted toward them.

  “Hey!” I panted. “Can you help me put this stuff on?” I was talking to both of them, but it was Olivia who helped me out.

  “Where were you?” she asked, taking the cap and firmly placing it on my head. “You may need some bobby pins, hang on.”

  Michael rubbed my back, trying to help me calm down. I looked up at him and smiled and he offered me a quick kiss.

  “Happy graduation day,” I whispered to him.

  “Same to you, babe,” he muttered with a grin.

  I looked over at Olivia, who had one bobby pin in her hand and another in her mouth. I bent down so she could fasten this horrible excuse for a hat to my straight hair. I figured if I left it curly, the hat wouldn’t have fit.

  “So, where were you?” she mumbled through the bobby pins.

  “Oh, I was with Dr. Greenfield. I wanted to thank him for his letter of recommendation and let him know I got into Hunter College.”

  “Awesome!” Michael said with genuine enthusiasm.

  Olivia finished her handiwork and immediately pulled me in for a hug. “That’s great news!”

  “Yeah,” I mustered. “I’m glad I got accepted.” It wasn’t technically a lie, I was glad I got accepted. But after Dr. Greenfield’s speech, I had no idea what I was going to do.

  “What about you, Michael?” Olivia asked. “Where have you heard back from?”

  I looked down at the ground and steadied myself. This was the part of my and Michael’s story where he would tell me he didn’t know where he was going to go. He had applied to Ph.D. programs both here in New York and also others out of state.

  “Well,” he started, biting his lower lip. “I got into The New School, Columbia University, and Pepperdine University.”

  “Pepperdine?” Olivia said in a shocked tone. “As in California?”

  “It’s a big decision,” Michael nodded, his tassel bobbing back and forth. It would be funny if it wasn’t such a tragic moment.

  “That’s definitely a big move to consider,” I uttered. “California is over three thousand miles away.”

  I’m sure he already knew that, but I just felt I had to add that in for emphasis. If he moved away, there was no way our relationship could survive. We lived ten miles away from each other now and we were hanging on by a thread.

  “What about Alex?” Michael transitioned. He certainly was good at avoiding things he didn’t want to talk about.

  Olivia’s eye widened at the sound of her fiancé’s name. I thought of how wonderful it must be to feel that way. Just happy and easy. Not hearing someone’s name and sorting through all of the problems you’re having. To be able to talk about them and tell whoever’s asking that everything’s just fine. To just be, you know, normal.

  “What about you and Alex?” I asked, not commenting further on Michael’s inevitable departure to California.

  “Well, I was waiting a while to hear back, but we both got into the program here at NYU!” she did a little victory jump. “So we’ll be staying right here.”

  “Speaking of Alex,” Michael chimed in. “Where is he?”

  The rest of the people in our program were lining up in alphabetical order and getting ready to walk into the stadium.

  “He’s going to be sitting up on the stage so he’s not coming in with the rest of us,” she smiled proudly.

  “That’s right,” Michael nodded. “He’s our valedictorian.”

  I could sense a small amount of resentment in his voice and for some reason it made me smirk. Luckily, Michael hardly ever looked at me so it went unnoticed.

  “We should line up,” I said, pointing to the growing line of students. “We don’t want to miss our chance to walk across the stage and be handed a blank piece of paper.”

  “I’ll see you two later at the party!” Olivia waved and quickly headed to find her place in line.

  I had to think about what she meant, but then I remember the party at Angela’s apartment tonight.

  The last place on earth I wanted to be.

  I turned to face Michael. For a moment it seemed like it was just the two of us. The noise of the outside world had disappeared as the last few remaining students made their way inside.

  “Are you nervous?” he asked. His dark eyes were fixed on mine, but it felt different. I didn’t feel the usually consuming passion I did when I looked at him today. It just felt like I was looking at someone I knew.

  Or more accurately, someone I didn’t.

  “I am a little nervous, yeah.”

  “I hate these things,” he rolled his eyes and reached for my hands. “All of the staring and the picture taking.”

  “And the hugging and the questions,” I replied.

  “So, Amalia Hastings, where do you see yourself in five years?” Michael smiled at me warmly.

  I wanted so badly to say, “With you.” But I knew it would scare him. Even worse, the thought was beginning to scare me.

  “I see myself being able to answer that question the next time someone asks it.”

  Michael put his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. I let my head rest against his chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating. Letting out a deep sigh I took his hands in mine and pulled away from his embrace.

  “We should really get inside,” I muttered. As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket.

  “After you,” he gestured toward the wide open doors.

  I made my way to the long line of students and stood with the ones next to the sign marked H. Michael made his way to the R’s. The line started to move up as I pulled my phone out of my pocket. My heart sank when I saw it was a text from Hayden. It was short and to the point.

  Happy graduation, Amalia. I hope you get everything you’re looking for.

  I smiled and then grimaced, realizing it reminded me of the letter Christina had left for me when she moved out of the apartment. Did everyone see me as this lost cause who needed to straighten their life out?

  More importantly, were they right?

  Thirty-three – Olivia

  I sat through three painfully boring speeches until Alex finally took the podium to address the graduating class as their valedictorian. He looked nervous, more nervous than when he asked me to marry him, actually. My eyes were fixed on him and I willed him to look in my direction so I could give him a reassuring smile. But there was no way he’d ever be able to make me out in this crowd.

  From what I could see, at the distance I was at, he kept his hands behind his back as he took a step closer to the microphone.

  “Welcome, my fellow graduates,” he started. The students started cheering and the faculty applauded in their reserved way. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Dr. Greenfield. He too was applauding, but was surprisingly putting a little more effort into it than the rest of his colleagues.

  “Orientation day, three years ago, I sat in an auditorium-sized classroom and didn’t know a single per
son. I looked to my left, I looked to my right, and I realized one of these people would not make it through this program. They would crack under the pressure, or have to surrender their time to more pressing matters, such as financial or familial needs. And throughout my journey here at NYU, we have lost a few fellow classmates for such reasons. But as I look around here today I can say without hesitation that most of you made it.”

  A roar of cheers and applause vibrated through Yankee Stadium as if Alex Rodriguez had just hit a home run.

  Alex let out a laugh and placed his hands on the top of the podium. “And don’t think there haven’t been times when I have felt like this was all too much for me. But that’s the thing about this program. If you don’t eat, sleep, and breathe school then you won’t make it. Having said that, that doesn’t make us any better than them, or them any less than us. And I can’t say I definitely would have gotten through all of it without the support of my wonderful fiancé, Olivia Davis.”

  I felt my face turn red and I buried it in my hands, nearly knocking off my cap.

  “And she’s probably really embarrassed that I said that, but I had to mention it!” he chuckled, no longer nervous about the hundreds of people staring at him.

  “I feel so privileged to have gotten to spend my time learning from some of the toughest and brightest professors I have ever met. Meeting the best friends I ever had, and falling in and out of love with New York more times than I can count.”

  I saw a lot of people nod along when Alex said that.

  Standing up a little taller, Alex raised his right hand and gently took hold of the gold tassel hanging from his cap.

  With the tassel in his hand he declared, “So now I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate you all. To everything we’ve been through, and to everything that will come. To the next chapter in our journey, and to the class of 2015!”

  Synchronously we all moved our tassels from the right side of our caps over to the left and shouted, “To the class of 2015!”

  Thirty-four – Amalia

  Angela’s apartment was packed with students I had never even seen before. It was only a one-bedroom and people were practically spilling into the hallway. The four of us were standing in a corner, not socializing, and sipping warm beer out of plastic cups. Angela herself was sitting on her couch and making out with August Marek. Olivia and I looked at each other and cringed.

  “One hour,” Olivia declared to Alex. “We’re only staying here one hour.”

  “That won’t be a problem,” Alex patted her on the back and then took another sip of beer.

  I looked around the crowded room and then caught Michael’s eye. He gave me a wink. We were all in a good mood. We survived graduation, which included all of our parents taking endless pictures of us, including one of the four of us standing in front of the arch in Washington Square Park. Michael’s parents weren’t around for the photo session, they just met him for dinner when we were all finished.

  I had now known Michael for three years and still hadn’t met his parents. The worst part was, I was completely used to it. If his parents, whose names I couldn’t even remember right now, had shown up for pictures in the park I would have died of shock.

  “Hey,” I said to him, placing my plastic cup on a nearby shelf. “Can we talk?”

  Olivia and Alex weren’t really paying attention to us so I figured it was a good time to sneak off. Angela’s apartment had a small balcony that overlooked pretty much nothing. Her apartment was on the lower east side, no great views, but I wasn’t stepping outside for the sights.

  I was stepping outside to have a serious talk with my boyfriend.

  Michael followed me out and gently shut the sliding glass door behind us. The noise suddenly lessened and I could hear myself think again.

  “What’s going on?” he asked, reaching for both of my hands. His touch sent a warm buzz through me. Leave it to Michael to find a way to weaken me when I wanted to be strong.

  “We need to talk about this fall,” I spat out.

  “Right now?” He asked, his eyes narrowing.

  “I can’t keep these feelings to myself anymore,” I said quietly. “Michael, we have been dating on and off for years now. We are finally together, finally in a real relationship, and I feel like I am the only one doing any of the work.”

  “What are you talking about?” he asked, his voice turning edgier.

  “I’m talking about the possibility of you moving to the other side of the country and not even talking to me about it. I’m talking about you constantly breaking plans with me and never even thinking about how it would make me feel. I get it, you were busy this semester – we all were. But it’s like our relationship and our future means nothing to you. And I know you’re not a “take it as it comes” kind of guy. You’re a planner. You’re smart, and competitive, and calculating. You didn’t apply to Pepperdine on a whim, you applied there because there’s a part of you that wants to move away. And it’s the same part of you that ignored the fact that you’re in a relationship and completely neglects me.”

  There, I had said it. For a second I regretted it all. I couldn’t believe everything I had just said. But there was no going back from this. He had to know how I felt. I couldn’t carry this anxiety around with me any longer.

  “Amalia,” he spoke calmly but angrily. “I don’t think I should have to consult you in every decision I make.”

  “Get real, Michael,” Now it was my turn to be angry. “This isn’t about every decision. This is about you not factoring our relationship into your life.”

  “What do you want from me?” he was nearly shouting now. He threw his hands in the air and spun around. He made a fist to punch the wall, but then unclenched his hand and dropped it to his side.

  “I want a normal fucken life!” I shouted. “I want to make plans with someone and not expect them to not show up. I want a boyfriend who reaches for the phone and calls me every once in a while. And I’m sorry, but it definitely isn’t normal to consider moving to California without so much as a conversation.”

  He reached for me but I pulled away before he could touch me.

  “Don’t,” I shook my head. “I’m so done with this. It took all of these years to get you to just be exclusive with me. I’m not going to spend any more of my time convincing you to be with me. It’s pathetic. And anyone who makes me feel this pathetic doesn’t deserve my love.”

  For a moment we stared at each other. I knew he wouldn’t say anything back. I knew he wouldn’t tell me I was wrong, or try to change my mind. We were completely done.

  Hell, we were done months ago.

  I opened the sliding door, darted through the party and walked out of the door.

  Finally, I felt truly free.

  Thirty-five – Olivia

  “Open your eyes for me,” the make-up artist asked. “I want to get this eye-liner perfect.”

  “You look beautiful,” Amalia said to me. Her hair and make-up had been done first and now she was sitting on the bed in the hotel room in a satin robe that read “maid of honor”. I didn’t have a lot of friends from home that I was still close to, so when it came time to pick bridesmaids I asked my two cousins, Jen and Lindsey. They had already finished getting ready and were with my parents, keeping the photographer occupied.

  “You’re all done, sweetheart,” the make-up artist tapped me on the shoulder.

  She packed up her oversized case and headed out the door. Just as my mother entered the room. She was wearing a capped-sleeve, gold-toned gown with black, Christian Louboutin pumps. Her brown hair hung straight to her shoulders and she wore minimal jewelry, just pearl studs.

  “You look beautiful, Mom,” I stood up to give her a hug.

  “Thank you, sweetheart,” she gently hugged me back, afraid to smudge anything. “Hello, Amalia.”

  Amalia popped her head out and waved. “I’m actually going to put on my dress now. I’ll give the two of you a moment.”

 
“Your father is outside waiting to come in,” my mom said softly. She studied my face and then gave me a look of something I had never seen from her before. A look of approval.

  “Can I put on my gown first?” I asked in an excited tone. “The photographer will be in here in ten minutes and this way she can get some family shots in.”

  “Of course,” my mom walked over to my gown, which was hanging on the closet door. She gingerly took the straps off of the hanger and asked, “May I?”

  I smiled and nodded.

  A full ten minutes later, my gown was on, buttoned, and bustled. Amalia called from the bathroom, “Can I come out now?” and I told her to get her butt out here.

  She stepped out of the bathroom in her pitch-black, floor-length gown. The color might have been inappropriate for a summer wedding, but by the time the ceremony began it would be after six o’clock, and the invitation had said black tie. She looked gorgeous, but I could tell she was nervous. It had been decided before their break-up that Michael would be ushering her down the aisle, and neither one of them wanted to inconvenience us by having us rearrange the groomsmen.

  “You look absolutely stunning,” she said in a small voice.

  “Thank you,” I whispered. Tears started to form in my eyes and I immediately blinked them back. The absolute last thing I needed was to stain this dress with black mascara tears.

  “Don’t you dare cry!” she laughed, handing me a tissue from the night stand.

  “Knock, knock,” the photographer, Allie, stuck her head through the front door of my hotel room. “Is everybody decent?”

  “Yes,” my mother answered. A beat later Allie and my father were standing in front of me. My dad looked as if he was going to burst into tears at the look of me in my dress.

  “Can I get a few shots of the three of you? And then some of you and your best friend?” Amy asked.

  “My maid of honor,” I corrected her teasingly. “But also my best friend.”