Time Out of Mind

by Ruth Hay

  They were met at the back door by a tall, older lady with bronze-coloured, short hair and a welcoming smile who Jay introduced to them as Anna Mason.

  She ushered them into a spacious kitchen eating area and invited them to sit down at the table which was already laden with every kind of food from salads to sandwiches to pastries.

  Caroline asked if she could wash her hands and Anna immediately apologized for rushing them.

  “I am so anxious to make the best use of our time together that I am forgetting my manners,” she declared. “Please take the time to look around and relax. It’s been a long journey for you all but I am so glad you could come.”

  Anna directed Caroline to what she called a ‘washroom’ just outside the kitchen where there was also a tidy entrance hall with hooks for coats and a rack for boots and umbrellas.

  When she returned to the kitchen, she found Uncle Philip deep in conversation with Anna as they discussed the conservatory extension which flooded the entire kitchen with light from the south. Caroline was surprised to see how fast Anna had overcome her uncle’s staid manner.

  They were standing together with their heads bent over a blueprint which Anna had produced, and Caroline thought how comfortable they looked there.

  Jay had gone upstairs and he came back down with a slender, tanned woman who must be his mother, Bev, and a younger version of himself in tow. Caroline felt she had passed an inspection when Bev checked her over from head to foot before she advanced and gave Caroline a hug.

  “My dear girl” she whispered, “I heard how you met Jay. You are very brave but I won’t say anything to embarrass you. I promised jay.”

  Caroline was relieved to hear this. She did not want her exploits to distract anyone from the business at hand; the old photograph and the identity of the wedding party.

  It was a noisy group that finally sat down to eat. Caroline noticed that Jay’s brother Eric was quiet. Probably missing his laptop, she surmised, but Fiona, in contrast, was chatting away like one of the family and sat near Anna.

  The first topic of discussion was an earnest plea from the hostess that Uncle Philip would consider staying for the night.

  “I hate to send you two back to the Lake District tonight. We have so little time together and I hope you will agree to sleep here and have breakfast before you set out on the road again.”

  Anna looked directly at Uncle Philip as she said this and it seemed to Caroline as if her great-uncle melted a little under that intense blue gaze.

  “You are most kind, Anna, but Caroline and I could not possibly impose when you have a full house already,” he insisted.

  “That’s no problem,” she answered swiftly. “I have made arrangements for Bev and the boys to spend the night at a nearby croft. Kirsty Matthews is a dear friend and the boys will enjoy helping her son Alan with the animals in the morning. You, Philip, will have a comfortable bedroom in the room above us and Caroline can sleep in the pull-out bed in the lounge next door.”

  She paused with a searching look around the table to see if everyone agreed with this plan and received a series of head nods from all. Caroline was amazed to see that her uncle was one of those who acquiesced. Must be the fresh Scottish air, she thought. Something has definitely affected him.

  As soon as tea and coffee had been placed on the table, general conversation turned to the purpose of the visit. There was a lull in the previous noise level while everyone realized that this might be a private moment. Fiona got up to check in with her answer service and Eric escaped to pack his tech stuff for the overnight stay.

  Caroline was naturally curious to hear the discussion, but she was also relieved when Bev signalled to her to leave, with Jay and herself. They quietly left the kitchen and opened a door into a large room that Caroline’s Gran Lynn would have described as ‘handsome’.

  There were high ceilings to match the kitchen next door, and a tiled fireplace with a blazing fire on the end wall. Around the fire were couches and chairs in tapestry fabrics, each with a handy side table. Caroline saw that these were a variety of different designs. Some were small, polished, desks while others looked like a stack of huge books or even leather luggage.

  Lamps of china and crystal were scattered around the room and the desk under the front window was part of a bookcase filled with well-worn volumes. She didn’t spot the comfy couch against the wall opposite the fireplace until Bev pointed out the simple mechanism that converted it into a double bed.

  “It’s very comfortable, believe me,” she asserted. “But you two should take the chance to look around the area before nightfall. Fiona will drive you into town if you like, while I move some things over to Kirsty’s place. James can show you around. He gave Eric and me the ten-cent-tour of Oban when we first arrived.”

  “That would be fun, if you can be bothered, James?” Caroline raised her eyebrow waiting for a response from Jay, who was clearly James to his mother.

  “Absolutely!” he answered promptly. “It’s light until well after nine this far north. We’ll have plenty of time to see the town.”

  They soon joined Fiona who was heading into town to pick up a client, and they set off towards the sea with the westering sun still high in the sky.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I spent the first day in the attic, assessing the situation and trying to make the room as comfortable as possible for myself and my tiny baby.

  My one coat would go over the bed to supplement the thin quilt. Philip’s nappies would have to be rinsed out in the shared toilet on the landing between the attic rooms. I would need to go to Woolworth’s and buy a plastic pail for this, also a length of rope so I could hang wet clothes to dry above the hotplate. I knew this could be done only when I was in the room as the fire risk would be too great.

  The thought entered my mind that I was now becoming a responsible adult.

  For the first time in my life, I was totally in charge of the welfare of another person besides myself. A part of me resented this change, but a larger part rejoiced that I was no longer alone. From this point on, Philip became the focus of my life. I would have died to save him from harm.

  * * *

  It was several hours later that I came across the official-looking envelope I had been given in the hospital. It seemed impossible that I had left the hospital only twenty-four hours before. So much had happened in that short time.

  The document was issued by His Majesty’s Government and notified me that I was to receive a portion of the service pay of Corporal Kyle Purdy of the Royal Engineers.

  A further note informed me that I was eligible for a ration book for myself, and a minor child, entitling me to a weekly supply of scarce foods like margarine, dried milk powder and sugar, as and when these items were available.

  I dropped the document in shock. Nothing about my hospital encounter with Kyle had led me to believe he had any interest at all in either me, or the baby I had falsely claimed as his.

  Tears poured from my eyes as I bent to retrieve the document and sobbing out loud, I read again the words and promises that meant we had some hope for the future.

  I hugged Philip so hard with the sheer relief flooding through me, that he began to cry.

  As I hushed him gently, my teary eyes spotted another piece of paper that must have fallen out of the manila envelope. This looked like a hand-written letter.

  When Philip settled to sleep again, I sat on the room’s one wooden chair and took the letter in my shaking hands. It was a hasty scribble from Kyle.

  Isobel, I don’t have much time. We are shipping out for an overseas destination in a few hours.

  I have thought about our last meeting in the hospital and I am ashamed of my behaviour. You will think this has something to do with a soldier’s uncertainty about his future, but it is more to do with the way I have always felt about you.

  I knew you were obsessed with Gus to the point where you could not see me at all.

  Yet I hoped that one day yo
u would come to me for comfort and consolation.

  That day has come, although not exactly as I had dreamed.

  If I survive this war, I will find you and the boy who has my name.

  Until then, the financial arrangements I have made will keep the wolf from your door, I trust.

  God willing, we will have a second chance together as two different, and possibly

  wiser, people.

  Take care of yourself and the boy.

  Kyle.

  The emotion that overwhelmed me at the generosity and patience of this young soldier, was to change my entire life.

  If Kyle had walked into the room at that moment I would have fallen to my knees and kissed his feet. The terrible fear I had lived with for many months was swept away in the hope of a future where some measure of security and comfort was now possible.

  I vowed then, that if it could be done by a teenager with a wounded heart, I would repay this man by sharing a home with him one day, far away from here, and far from the memories, disappointments, lies and deceptions of the last year.

  * * *

  I can see it differently now.

  At the time, I meant it sincerely. But I soon learned the bitter truth that life does not always go according to plan.

  Gus was to occupy a part of my heart forever. That part became more demanding as the years went by. My gratitude for Kyle’s rescue could not compete with the illusion I clung to, that Gus was my one true love.

  When Lynn was born and Kyle so obviously doted on his daughter, I felt I could withdraw from my husband and give back all my love to Philip, my firstborn. Once more I was to learn that obsessive love makes a cage that leads to pain and lies and destruction.

  I lost my family and I lost myself. My mental turmoil destroyed rational thought for many years.

  It is all so clear to me now, but back then I lived in a fog of denial.

  I hurt so many people. I rejected Kyle when he needed me most. I smothered Philip until he fled from my arms. I neglected Lynn. I could only guess at the damage I caused to Marion and Gus.

  Now that it is too late, I am so sorry.

  Weakness overwhelms me these days. I cannot see clearly, or hear most of what is said around me in this place.

  As my life draws to an end, the present fades. The distant past appears to me in vivid detail and my errors return to haunt me daily.

  Where can I turn for forgiveness? They are all gone from me. I am consigned to some version of purgatory where my mistakes cycle eternally before my closed eyes.

  I am not sure where I am or how I got here to this place of strangers.

  I have few possessions left. The one thing I cling to is the one thing that brings me the most pain: the wedding photograph that was sent on to my husband from Canada.

  I can always see it, with all its accusations, in my mind’s eye.

  Kyle. Faithful and honest. My husband who returned from war with scars that could not be

  seen. I failed him utterly.

  Marion. The friend I did not deserve and who I betrayed in every way.

  Gus. Someone I never really knew, or ever really loved.

  * * *

  Anna went upstairs to fetch her copy of the family wedding photo. She returned to the kitchen where Philip was finishing his coffee and placed on the table between them, a folder containing letters and papers.

  “These papers belonged to my father, Angus T. R. McLeod; a fine man and a very good father.”

  Anna did not notice that Philip’s head came up sharply as she spoke. Her attention was on the documents she was shuffling through.

  “My father outlived my mother by a number of years and during that time he lived with my brother Simon and his family, in Alberta, in the Canadian west. After dad died, Simon sent me these papers that he found in a bureau of my father’s.”

  Anna looked up into Philip’s face. She could read some embarrassment there at this personal topic, but she could also see an intense interest in what she was revealing to him.

  “You see, I had always known there must be some secret in our family. The old wedding photo was a sore subject to my mother for reasons I could never fathom. She kept it hidden away, but that made it all the more attractive to me. Children always find the hidden things eventually.

  I could never, however, find out why my parents left Scotland shortly after their marriage and why they never spoke fondly of relatives there, or ever welcomed family members to our home in Ontario.”

  Anna stopped to catch her breath. She had for days now experienced a strong sensation that things in her life were coming to an important point. She had had a similar feeling when the identity of her great-aunt Helen was finally within her grasp. That revelation allowed her to make the decision to purchase the McCaig Farm House in Scotland.

  She was not yet sure if a connection to the stranger who sat before her would accomplish another powerful revelation that might, possibly, change her life again.

  She waited while Philip gathered his thoughts.

  “I can appreciate your need to unravel such a mystery. I, too, have sought to solve a mystery; the truth about my birth.” Philip passed a shaking hand over his brow and brushed a lock of pure-white hair back into place before continuing.

  “I can hardly believe it, but this will be the second time in as many days that I have spoken to virtual strangers about a very intimate life issue. The first person was my great-niece Caroline and now you, Anna.

  I feel I am somehow breaking through a barrier that has obstructed me for many years, so I will proceed. I am encouraged by your honesty. It is not easy for me, nonetheless.”

  Anna Mason reached across the table and placed her hand gently on top of Philip’s sun-browned one for a moment. It was enough to inject some courage into his face and voice.

  “The man standing beside the groom in this wedding photo is my father, Kyle Purdy.

  Many years ago, I overheard a statement uttered in anger by my mother indicating that my father was not my birth parent. They say an eavesdropper hears no good about himself and that was certainly the case with me. I had always been exceptionally close to my mother, but this incident caused a breach between us.

  I could not ask her for the truth. I think I was, even then, afraid of the answer. I could not ask my father. He had post-war depression for most of his life and I dreaded being the cause of another of his episodes.”

  “So the crucial question remained unasked and unanswered?” enquired Anna, softly.

  “Virtually so,” confirmed Philip. “I did send away for my birth certificate which did not clarify the matter, although it revealed that I was born in Glasgow, some eighteen months before my parents, Isobel and Kyle were married. I could not understand that. Perhaps it was to do with my father’s war service.”

  Anna looked down at an old diary among the papers spread on the table. She took a deep breath and opened it at one of several markers.

  “I think I can shed some light on the mysteries that have beset both of us, Philip. If I may, I will read to you a brief excerpt from my father’s diary. Until you spoke, just now, this entry, like many others, was unintelligible to me.”

  Anna began to read immediately, as if any delay would rob her of the courage to take this next step.

  ‘K.P. sent word today that I have a son. I have not told Marion.

  This will never be mentioned or discussed between us.

  My promise will be kept.

  How sad for my son….. and for me.’

  Philip reacted to Anna’s reading by rising abruptly and rushing to sit beside Anna so he could see the date of the entry and confirm its contents for himself.

  “That date is only a few days after my birth date!” he exclaimed. “Am I right? KP could be Kyle Purdy and this means……………….. my God, Anna! My father is your father. We are brother and sister, or at least, half-brother and half-sister. I can hardly take this in. Am I crazy?”

  “No, Philip! It’s a shock
for both of us, but let’s examine the clues and see if what we both know, fits with this new information.”

  “I will try to be rational, Anna! My heart is racing!”

  “Mine too, Philip! There are so many implications that follow, if we are right about this.”

  “Best to be sure, then,” he said seriously, although a smile crept around his lips at the thought of finding an answer and a new family all at once.

  Anna told Philip of her father’s last days with Simon and how the dying man had confided in his son about regrets he had. Simon had not asked for specifics and none were volunteered yet, Simon remembered how upset his father was and that the regrets were something to do with his mother, Marion, who had passed away some years before.

  ‘So, do you think your……” Philip waited while a new thought migrated through his mind.

  “I mean……our father, kept the promise he made to your mother even after her death?”

  Anna smiled, as she, too, accepted the new pronoun. “It looks like it, Philip. That tells you something about the kind of man our father was.”

  “Will we ever know what happened among these three people to cause such anguish?”

  “I doubt it. The only one who could tell us is Caroline’s extremely-old great-grandmother and it seems she is afflicted with dementia, or worse.”

  Anna caught her breath and drew her hand to her mouth in despair. “Oh, Philip, that must be your mother I am talking about. I am so sorry. I did not mean to bring up such a painful subject in that casual way.”

  “Believe me, Anna, I have hardly given a thought to my own mother for years, I am ashamed to say. When my sister Lynn called me out of the blue a few days ago, it was like unlocking a Pandora’s box in my mind and everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down since then.”

  Anna spoke gently after a minute had passed, to ask, “Your mother’s name is Isobel, I understand?”