Sand Glass

by A M Russell

  I saw that she was breathing rather fast. I deliberately stepped towards her. The knuckle of her right hand was white where she gripped the chair. I must have scared her because she tried to back off then and found herself trapped between Alex’s pots and pans and the pantry door that was half open.

  Quick as anything she took an enraged swipe at me. Faster than thought I caught her wrist with my right hand. I pushed her backwards until she was pressed against the shelves half way inside the door.

  ‘Let go!’ she struggled.

  ‘No Janey. Not now.’ I felt calm descend inside. No anger was left. But I kept hold of her just as firmly, ‘I will hear you say that you are not going to attempt to do that thing. That you will help us. The way we want.’

  ‘I’m…’ she tried to duck under my arm. I pinned her with both hands at once. ‘You can’t make me.’

  ‘It’s true I can’t.’ I said, ‘but you will do what you’re supposed to none the less.’

  ‘I can’t breathe.’ She said in a frightened squeak, ‘Let go of me!’

  ‘No…. Because my Janey wouldn’t want me too.’

  She stopped struggling. Eyes were like hopeless holes in her soul.

  ‘You think, she’s better than me.’ she said bitterly, ‘ironic that I should end up being jealous of myself.’

  I realised how much bigger I was than her. And how small and frightened she appeared. It made me crumble inside, but I couldn’t let up until she had relented. I relaxed my grip a little. She pushed against me and squeezed sideways against the still damaged right arm. It gave way.

  ‘I’m going to leave now;’ she was red faced, and indignant, ‘and if you come anywhere near me I’ll have you arrested.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ I said softly.

  ‘Oh?’ she appeared confused now I made no move.

  ‘Because you’re still curious about something. And you’ve been wondering about it ever since yesterday.’

  ‘No… I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘Of course you do. Aren’t you just a bit curious? What did she see in me?’

  Unconsciously she took a step towards me. She was frowning, but intrigued.

  ‘I’m not really anywhere like as strong as I appear at the moment. In fact….’ I pulled a chair out and sat on it. The arm hurt again. I blinked a few times. ‘….I could probably do with a month off work. I guess Alex can wangle it for me.’

  Pain is strange. It narrows the view but somehow expands the awareness. Janey disappeared from in front of me. She moved back round from the other side of the table.

  ‘Water and tablets. Painkillers.’ She offered them to me.

  I took the water from her and drank some of it. It wasn’t too much help. But it was cooling.

  ‘The pills are only paracetamol.’ She sat on a stool next to me.

  I looked up at her, ‘It needs to be something stronger than that. Sam has the case in his car.’

  She didn’t move but stared at me. I didn’t care. The parabola of pain peaked, and then gradually left again. It receded enough to make it bearable. I looked at her again.

  ‘You really love her. Your Janey….’ Janey’s eyes were full of a different kind of pain. This girl had the raw memory of the accident. And I the raw memories of all the bad bits of the last few weeks. We were not that different, but I saw someone I could not reach. Yet she had called her “your Janey”. I sipped some more water. And she sat there as if thinking very hard about something.

  ‘What happens to her and me if we meet?’

  ‘One ceases to exist.’

  ‘But that’s not possible. She doesn’t know about Jared and the accident, does she?’

  ‘That’s true.’

  ‘Why would you want her and not me?’

  ‘Because she wouldn’t humiliate me.’ I rubbed my upper arm a little then, ‘and she would kiss me.’

  ‘I see.’ She looked away.

  ‘So if I was like her. You would be more agreeable.’

  ‘No. Because you’d be tricking me.’

  ‘So does she just dissolve into nothingness?’

  ‘Probably. She’s resulting from a choice you never had the chance to make. I looked at her squarely then; ‘perhaps it’s just as well I love a dream woman. She will have to fade out… once the job is done.’

  ‘Does she know?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Have you thought about what I said a moment ago?’

  ‘Of course. But what’s in it for me?’

  ‘A clear conscience; and hopefully, your brother back.’

  ‘And you’ll do all of this for Love?’ a slight note of distain was there.

  ‘Yes…. And I don’t care if I come back. In fact I’d rather not. Just once…. Just once I can be the one who makes the right choice, and does it for the right reasons.’

  ‘For what? Love? That’s potty…’

  ‘I see,’ I began to wonder where Alex kept the coffee; ‘You think I’m throwing something away. But I’m not. I’ll be there one day in my pathetic little job, and I’ll look out the sky and see a rain storm gathering. And somewhere deep inside I’ll dream of another cloudy place and someone who was only mine for one moment.’ I was goading her now. Tormenting this other woman because she was my Janey’s twin; ‘Then I’ll look away; and knuckle down. But maybe quit before the year is out, to go back to Yorkshire. You understand me. But you don’t want me to be that Noble because you think it’s all about you.’

  ‘And isn’t it?’

  ‘That’s for you to decide.’ I had her cornered, and she knew it.

  She stood up and went into the front room then. I stayed in the chair, and even with my aching arm; my heart was not so much a burden any more.

  *****

  Four

  It was my last night at home. I stood in my hallway looking at the pack and satchel that contained the equipment George had already given me. The satchel contained the med kit he had put together for me plus a small case. He had left detailed instructions inside the black, impact proof case. It contained three tags; all generic. It was amazing how much this enterprise had inspired his creativity. George had given it to me in a very matter of fact way, considering that none of these would ever be used again after this, that’s if they actually were returned to him. He had left half an hour ago. And I stood in that strange time between one ending, and another kind of beginning. But it wasn’t exactly a waiting room. In about an hour Jules, Violette and Alex would be round. After what had happened Jules and Violette couldn’t be seen anywhere near Main Base without a very good reason. So they were determined to give me a proper send off. Marcia was staying at George’s place. The others, in typically conspiratorial manner wouldn’t say where they would be, except that they would be helping George to smuggle me and Marcia into Main Base, get us kitted up and “acquire” all the equipment we needed. This including the all-terrain vehicle; variously described as “space buggy”, “jelly mould”, and “that dratted machine”, plus a few others that were unprintable. Truth be told, we all owed more to that compact marvel than we knew.

  At precisely six my friends arrived. It was good to think that…. Friends. I couldn’t remember a time when I felt so cared for and included. The only burn on the surface of my tender skin was Janey. After the Pantry incident, she had eventually calmed down to almost neutral. She hadn’t spoken to me again. Jules had been apologised to, which made some difference. I guessed rightly that she hadn’t really changed her mind. George was quite forceful and had a fairly intense conversation with her before we all left. Janey was gone before we had chance to get into the hallway again. From my point of view it was down to the shot of “version 47” that George just happened to have stashed in a sturdy leather case. It was more or less like the stuff the lads had put in me when we were in that hole. I vegged out, all the tension dissipated. Sam and Kyle took Marcia and most of the guys home. Violette and Jules hung around with Alex discussing literat
ure, and eventually what to do with me, while I laid back in a semi-comatose state. In the end Alex dumped me on the seat of his Land rover, and Jules and Violette left to goodness knows where. I think Alex had realised that their obvious happiness, much as I was glad for them, actually made it difficult to keep my mind off Janey. Come to think of it Jules seemed more than a little edgy in the presence of the other Janey even after Me and then George had words with her. She was the flipside to the one person he had a very good friendship with as well as professional admiration for; he had talked to her in their professional capacity an awful lot, and it had freaked him out. Jules was highly moral, that much I knew. His comment early on about Hanson and Oliver was indicative of a dislike for the authority of the unscientific business world, with their emphasis on “results” rather than “scientific proof”. I think he was thinking that this Janey had turned to dark side, and we could all wake up in another reality the next morning with our lives in a mundane but unsafe situation. But perhaps it was the thought that he might lose some real knowledge; his mind being wiped clean of all the things he had gained. I saw that the temptation was there. After all, he was one who really has suffered for his art. But he was reinvested now. And this was par for the course. Jules wasn’t well, never really fullyback to what he had once been, the bouts of depression I think were quite debilitating. Without Violette’s care I think her wouldn’t have recovered as well as he had done up to this point. But despite all that, he was glad to have sacrificed something of himself in order that science could find an answer by an honest route. And of course the lovely Violette sealed the deal to preserve what we had gained so far.

  The matter of Hanson had arisen again. But we didn’t really know what was going on there, and George seemed a little vague on the issue. I wanted to ask Oliver about it, as I knew that he had been in the position of soaking up a lot of the ramblings that Hanson liked to indulge in; and had done us a service by not letting him bend everyone else’s ear too much. Jules didn’t have his talent for tolerance, which made me all the more respecting of his experiences.

  And of course, we still weren’t sure where that Mr Alexander fitted in. Jules understood in ways that the rest of us did not, about how these parallel realities were created, but he still felt it keenly on a deeply emotional level. Violette had, with extraordinary politeness, told Jules that he wasn’t going anywhere near Main Base. He said to her, with as much equanimity, that it was safer for Hanson if he didn’t, because next time he’d hit him properly. I looked away when they started that kissing stuff again. It was kind of embarrassing when other couples did it. I was still that teenager spying on my sister from the attic stairs as she snogged her first boyfriend. She had been sixteen, and I, a grubby eleven years old.

  I left my current trip down memory lane to pour Alex a beer and get a bottle of wine open for Violette and myself. Jules preferred whiskey and water. We had lots of nibbles. We played a few hands of poker. Which both Alex and Violette were far better at than either Jules or myself. And then we all meandered into speculation about the physics of the parallel worlds, and how small things could make such a big difference later on.

  ‘For example,’ said Jules, ‘This sausage roll could change the history of the universe.’

  We all laughed. ‘That’s bonkers.’ said Alex, and immediately demanded fresh chilled beer. I had a huge supply after Alex insisted we get a job lot “for friends and other non-notable things of like nature.”

  ‘Why have I got so much beer in the house?’ I stood looking in the fridge.

  ‘It’s so that whenever you need to you can invite me round, and I’ll come running, safe in the knowledge that there is poetry for the parched soul even in this hovel!’

  ‘Are you saying my house is a mess?’

  ‘No. actually it’s very tidy. For a bachelor pad that is. If you took a look at Violette’s home, you would smell the difference immediately.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘No odour of unwashed socks permeating the hallways.’

  ‘You make it sound just like high school.’

  ‘That’s because it is exactly like high school. Down to the annoying “clumsy with girls” hunk, who blushes whenever anyone even implies there’s more to a woman than her riveting conversation.’

  ‘You’re friends with Violette.’

  ‘That’s because I don’t date my fellow artistes. That would be unethical. Besides she bores everyone rigid during the discussion coffee break, about “Jules this…” and “Jules that…”; we’re all relieved that he’s claimed her, she is a woman who is trouble squared!’

  ‘I thought you are her friend, and talk about poetry and stuff?’

  ‘Davey; you are so blind. Of course we are friends; but the side of her that is dangerous I leave to one who can handle it. You will never realise what a fruit you are until you allow yourself to be a little less like someone’s disapproving aunt. You look like you’ve been sucking lemons any time anyone even might say the word “sex”.’

  ‘Am I really that stuffy?’

  ‘I wouldn’t say stuffy… but take Janey for instance;’ Alex rolled his eyes as I winced, ‘she is pretty and smart. But with a bit of patience and a lot of massage you could have her eating out of your hand.’

  ‘I don’t think of her in that way.’ I said stiffly.

  ‘Of course you do. Admit that you’re not above the rest of us. Admit that you’re the one’s who’s a scared little boy, who just wants to hide until it’s all over.’

  ‘Ok. I admit it.’

  ‘Now go and ring her up. Apologise for being so bullying the other night, and invite her round. I’ll go and collect her.’

  ‘You’ve had three beers so no.’

  ‘Just ask. She’ll come over if she wants to.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘I can’t spend my last night before I go back with an imaginary woman.’

  ‘Imaginary? Are you sure you’re alright? Don’t you think you’re taking this difference between realities just a little too far?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well then consider how your Janey… that other one would feel, if she found out what you’d been behaving like towards this Janey?’

  I went quiet, partly because I had nothing to say, and also because there was no rebuttal, that I could make. I felt guilty then, the old familiar feeling that had been strangely absent from the background noise of my consciousness for several days now.

  I went back into my back sitting room, where Violette and Jules were having a popcorn eating contest. It involved throwing it across the room, and the other person catching it in their mouth. It was a good job I wasn’t house proud.

  ‘Do you think I was being cruel to Janey the other night?’ I asked them loudly. Alex followed me into the room and circled round me. They all looked at me in silence.

  Violette moved first. ‘Come!’ she said, in her smooth as cream voice. We went back into the kitchen.

  ‘She’s not going to let up on anything.’ Violette stated.

  ‘What?’ I shook my head.

  ‘She is convinced she’s right. She won’t however, be able to do anything. Jules will not be used in that way.’ Violette seemed thoughtful then, ‘I am certainly involved in all of this. But I am not sure if my role is to keep her away from Jules or not….It is a problem, no doubt about it.’

  ‘You talked to her… I mean when we were at Alex’s house.’

  Violette poured out some apple juice in a glass and took her time; ‘I think,’ she said eventually, ‘the conflict that really needs to be resolved is inside you. You see her as a threat. Yet she has done nothing but talk. It is, as they say “all hot air”. She cannot do anything. So then we are left with the characters in this drama.’

  ‘Well… what do they do?’

  ‘You admire her greatly. But you do not want her. You feel she is… not complete, because she lacks the side that her parallel self has had time to develop.’<
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  I could feel myself going red, but tried to be calm and mature, ‘I see. Do go on.’

  ‘You dislike her unrounded character, her depressive and aggressive streak; and yet you are drawn to her.’ Violette looked at me, but I didn’t speak, so she carried on, ‘I see that you want her to understand your perspective; perhaps you are angry because she doesn’t. Your mind is unwilling to separate these two people from each other. Which is why you think as one as being imaginary, and the other real. But she only sees a man who fascinates her, for reasons that hitherto she would have rejected; you knew her other self. Therefore you hold some knowledge about her that she might not yet know. Personally, she is not close to anyone except her brother. And she feels lost without him around to guide her. Do you wish me to discuss this further?’

  ‘Yes. Do it. Please. I must know.’ I said down on a chair rather abruptly. Violette gracefully sat, and smoothing her skirt over her knees continued: ‘I believe that she feels disloyal to Jared for taking any kind of interest in you. She is angry at herself for apparently being the cause of all of this dreadful experiment. What she doesn’t know…. That is to say; Jules has only just found out; is that she wasn’t the one who got the final equations to a useable state.’

  ‘What? Then who?’

  Violette lowered her voice, ‘This is beyond me. But if I understand Jules right; the parallel world is self-perpetuating.’

  ‘We can’t get rid of the connection….?’ I said, and added, ‘But technically it’s not the world that’s parallel, but only some of the people in it.’

  She waved it away with one hand; ‘No matter. The facts seem to be clear. It was the other Janey. The woman who is lost out there somewhere; she was the one who put the finishing touches on the necessary programming of the modulator that made the corridor open. Jules says that this means that in the timeline, the parallel people appeared before the corridor to that other world. He says… I think that it means that all the people must have a real counterpart in this world. He believes that the Mr Alexander wasn’t him at all. He has told me how people are only certain of their identity from the tags. If they forget…. They read the tags.’