Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat for Binge Eating

by Michelle May M. D.

  Wisdom

  Once you’ve identified your needs, you can then came up with possible action steps for meeting those needs without turning to food. The “fill-in-the-blank” formula below is a helpful guide. First, identify the trigger (when…), and the feeling (I feel…). Next, identify the underlying need (I need…), then one or more action steps you can take to meet that need (I will…).

  When ___________________ I feel ____________________.

  I need ___________________ . I will ___________________ .

  Some examples follow.

  When my boss criticizes my work I feel frustrated and angry. I need to feel appreciated. I will meet with her to review all the goals I’ve met this quarter.

  When my neighbor’s apartment was robbed, I felt anxious and afraid. I need to feel safe in my home. I will explore the cost of a security system.

  Here’s how Cathy worked through this process.

  When I was able to get in touch with my emotions, I learned that I had mostly used food to manage stress, loneliness, and shame. Recognizing these feelings helped me see what I needed to fill my “Other Needs” bucket. We often do brainstorming sessions at work with my team, so I used that same process to come up with ways to fill that bucket. Surprisingly, meeting my needs didn’t always require the obvious solution, like getting married to stop loneliness, and it didn’t even have to be something big—in fact, the smaller the action, the more likely I was to take it. Here’s how my first brainstorming session went:

  When I think about all of the responsibilities that I have to take care of on my own I feel overwhelmed and afraid of losing my job. I need to feel more secure. I will set up an appointment with a financial advisor to help me create a financial plan that would cover my expenses if I lost my job or couldn’t work.

  When I get to the end of the work week and I don’t have enough energy to do anything. I feel completely drained. I need rest. I will plan more effective ways to relax and get to bed early on Friday nights so I can be more active the rest of the weekend.

  When all the families leave together after church and I have to go home to an empty house I feel lonely. I need to feel more connected to others. I will make a lunch date with a friend after church, check out the singles group activities calendar, and sign-up for that photography course I’ve been thinking about.

  When I binge, I feel ashamed and I feel like a failure—I am so hard on myself! I need acceptance and understanding. I will nurture my gentle, self-care voice and seek out a support group with other people who struggle with these same issues.

  Now that you understand the connection between your emotions and needs, you have an opportunity to meet your needs in a more effective and satisfying way than eating. When a craving doesn’t come from hunger, eating will never satisfy it. As you become more skilled at identifying the cues, thoughts, emotions, and needs that lead to bingeing, you can find more effective ways to distract, comfort, calm, and nurture yourself. Cathy did.

  Calling my work-friend Jean was a turning point for me. We had so much fun that we decided to do a movie night once a month and take turns picking the restaurant. That still left three weekends a month. I was nervous as the next weekend approached but I had a plan. I walked into my favorite Chinese restaurant, and although I felt a strong urge to rush home and binge alone, I asked for a table for one. The hostess and the waitress didn’t even seem to notice that I was alone or think I was pathetic! I perused the menu, selected the #11 and enjoyed eating most of it mindfully. Afterward, I went to bed early. On Saturday I woke up feeling calm and energetic.

  CHAPTER 6

  FEARLESS EATING

  Robert’s wife insisted that he have a check-up when he turned fifty.

  I hadn’t been to the doctor for nearly ten years, and now I know why! She ran a bunch of tests and told me that I have “metabolic syndrome.” Apparently I have high blood pressure and prediabetes. I looked it up on the Internet and it scared me because my father had diabetes and had a stroke. I found a diet that is supposed to cure it. I was able maintain a low carb diet—you know, no “whites” like bread, sweets, rice, potatoes—for about three months until I couldn’t stick with it anymore! I’ve been bingeing on the stuff ever since. I’ve started sneaking food when my wife’s not around, but I’m not fooling anyone, including myself. I feel so out of control.

  You’ve learned techniques to help you distinguish between triggers and physical hunger. When you’re hungry, you get to decide what to eat.

  WHAT DO I EAT?

  At this point, if we gave you a list of allowed foods and portion sizes to choose from, you’d be right back where you were on your last diet. But like Robert, many people have difficulty finding the balance between eating well and eating restrictively. The blurring of the line between mindful eating and restrictive eating is the difference between a work of art and a paint-by-number. Either way, you end up with a nice picture—until you get up close to take a look. Is your picture of health constrained by rigid lines and predetermined colors? Or does it express your individuality, preferences, and lifestyle? Compare mindful eating to restrictive eating.

  Mindful Eating

  vs.

  Restrictive Eating

  In charge

  In control

  Nourishment

  Diet

  Fuel

  Calories

  Quality

  Points

  Healthy

  Skinny

  Aware

  Preoccupied

  Conscious

  Consumed

  Mindful

  Vigilant

  Information

  Dogma

  Guide

  Rules

  All foods fit

  Good or bad

  Balance

  Perfection

  Variety

  Temptation

  Moderation

  Deprivation

  Choosing

  Earning

  Deciding

  Rationalizing

  Flexible

  Rigid

  Hunger based

  By the clock

  Comfort

  Portion sizes

  Physical activity

  Penance

  Introspective

  Smug

  Effortless

  Willpower

  Trust

  Fear

  Learning

  Failing

  Self-acceptance

  Condemnation

  Enjoyment

  Guilt

  Pleasure

  Shame

  Freedom

  Bondage

  Listen to Your Self-Care Voice

  Some decisions are made based on emotion, while other decisions are made based on facts and logic. Decisions made without considering both states of mind can be troublesome. A decision based on emotion without logic is often impulsive and can leave you with regret, because you haven’t considered the facts, details, or consequences. Decisions made by logic, without emotion, may leave you feeling mechanical, lonely, and devoid of pleasure. Your self-care voice can help you make balanced decisions about many things—including eating.

  To access your self-care voice, you must tap into your innate wisdom by going beyond emotional reactions and logical analysis. Decisions made this way are sometimes described as a “knowing” or a “gut” feeling. Interestingly, researchers have found an area in the stomach with a web of nerve endings referred to as the enteric brain (brain in the stomach). In fact, you are tapping into this wisdom when you practice your Body-Mind-Heart Scan.

  Self-Care and Food

  Food decisions based on self-care will naturally balance eating for nourishment and eating for enjoyment. Develop your wisdom by taking into consideration what you want and what you need:

  Robert says his wife Linda seems to have a strong self-care voice.

  Linda eats one of her three favorite breakfasts every day: oatmeal with nuts and berries, yogurt with granola a
nd fruit, or two poached eggs on whole grain toast. But if we decide to go out for breakfast, she’ll order a waffle or eggs benedict. Linda doesn’t really like fast food but she loves a great hamburger. When I was on the no-white diet and we’d go out for burgers, I’d order mine with cheese, take off the bun, and substitute a side salad for the French fries. Linda would order a combo but eat less than half of her fries and not even finish her burger. I would never dream of leaving any food behind; in fact, it was all I could do to keep myself from snatching the rest of the fries off her plate!

  Linda gets crabby when she’s hungry so she always keeps snacks handy. She likes fruit, nuts, and hummus with veggies. We take turns cooking and both make sure we have a balanced meal for our family dinner. We don’t always have dessert but she has a thing for chocolate and always has some in her purse or home office cabinet so she can eat it whenever she wants to.

  Notice how Linda makes her decisions about what to eat. She has a breakfast routine that is nutrient rich and easy. She saves the less healthy, more labor-intensive meals for an occasional breakfast out. She enjoys a burger and fries when she wants, but doesn’t feel compelled to finish them. They are both attentive about putting together a balanced meal for their family. Linda has a variety of healthy snacks on hand—but also eats chocolate when she wants it!

  The most effective way to make permanent healthy lifestyle changes is to learn to eat according to your body’s signals and to eat as healthfully as possible without feeling deprived. This balance can be achieved when you use reliable nutrition information in making your food choices, while still retaining the freedom to eat what you love without judging yourself or feeling guilty. Choosing food this way meets your natural needs for nourishment and enjoyment.

  Although Linda doesn’t overanalyze each of her decisions, they can be summarized by three questions:

  1. What do I want?

  2. What do I need?

  3. What do I have?

  You can use these questions to help you make food choices that are healthful and satisfying.

  WHAT DO I WANT?

  Most of the time when you’re hungry, a specific food, flavor, or texture will come to mind. As you get used to listening to your body’s signals, you’ll begin to recognize what type of food or taste will match your particular hunger at that time. Robert gave us a good example of why this is important.

  I was a little hungry and I really, really, really, really wanted some of the chips Linda bought for my sons’ lunches. They were stashed way up on a shelf because she doesn’t want us eating them for snacks. I’ve been trying to stay on my diet, so I decided to eat vegetables instead. I felt good about my choice, but not satisfied. Next I ate some of Linda’s yogurt with some berries. That just didn’t cut it, so I ate a handful of raw walnuts. They were good but I was craving salty-crunchy. After Linda went to bed, I took one of the little bags of chips from the shelf and all but inhaled it. I felt like I had already blown it so I ate another one, and another, and before I knew it, they were all gone! Panic set in, so I drove to the store to replace the chips. I ate two candy bars on the drive home and threw the wrappers away in the garbage can outside to hide the evidence. I felt a little sick and a lot guilty. I thought, “Well that was stupid! I could have had a bag of chips when I actually hungry and wanted them, and avoided the binge.

  Satisfaction is not just physical fullness. Satisfaction comes from enjoying the food you eat. When you don’t eat the food you really want, you may overeat other foods then eventually get around to eating what you wanted anyway. But when you match the food you choose to what you’re hungry for, you’ll experience greater satisfaction and more enjoyment—with less food.

  If a specific food doesn’t come to mind, try to identify what you’re hungry for by asking yourself these questions:

  •What taste do I want—sweet, salty, sour, spicy, or bitter?

  •What texture do I want—crunchy, creamy, smooth, or juicy?

  •What temperature do I want—hot, moderate, cold, or frozen?

  •What type of food do I want—light, heavy, or in-between?

  •Do I want a certain category of food—protein, vegetables, or bread?

  •Is there a specific food I have been craving?

  Listen to what Robert had to say when he experimented with this concept.

  When you said, “Ask yourself what you want,” I knew all I would want was carbs, carbs, and more carbs. And I did, at first. I was surprised when I suddenly craved a salad! By the end of the month, I was eating salmon, Linda’s hummus, and something called quinoa. I loved seeing what I’d want next.

  Like Robert, most people eventually gravitate toward balance, variety, and moderation when they begin to ask themselves what they really want.

  Eat What You Love

  Let’s face it. Food is wonderful. It’s truly one of life’s many pleasures. Enjoying food is only a problem if it’s your primary source of pleasure.

  The purpose of letting go of restrictive eating is to remove the false sense of value you place on certain foods. In essence, by letting go of the guilt, you eliminate the power that certain foods have over you. Amazingly, your desire to overeat them usually diminishes.

  The key to eliminating guilt is to give yourself unconditional permission to eat any food. This means you place all foods on an even playing field where the choice to eat cake evokes no more guilt than the choice to eat an apple. In order to eat without guilt, strive to do the following:

  •Stop thinking of certain foods as “good” and others as “bad.”

  •Eat what you really want, paying attention to your body’s natural signals.

  •Eat without having to pay penance, as in, “I’ll eat this today, but I’ll diet the rest of the week,” or “I’ll eat this now, but I’ll have to spend more time exercising tonight.”

  Change Your Internal Dialogue

  Even when you know that deprivation has led to overeating in the past, you may still be afraid to ask yourself what you’re hungry for. If you’ve been stuck in a eat-repent-repeat cycle, you may doubt that you can freely choose to eat what you want without losing control. But remember, as you learn to eat mindfully again, you no longer have to be in control. You are in charge.

  What does your restrictive voice say that can get in the way? Your beliefs and thoughts ultimately cause you to make certain decisions. By recognizing when your restrictive voice is derailing your intention with fear-based thinking, you can begin to think more fearless, empowering thoughts. Let’s look at some examples.

  Fear-Based Thoughts vs. Fearless Thoughts

  Fear-based: I won’t make healthy choices.

  You may be worried that if you ask yourself what you want, you’ll always want sweets, fried food, or other foods you’ve tried to avoid. Initially, that may be true, especially if you’ve felt deprived.

  Fearless: I enjoy a variety of healthy, satisfying foods.

  Once you let go of the guilt about eating certain things, you’ll gradually discover that you want a variety of foods to help you feel healthy and satisfied. Once you stop labeling foods as good or bad, you can develop a greater appreciation for the taste of fresh healthful ingredients instead of seeing them as diet foods. In addition, you’ll notice that you feel better physically and emotionally with a balance of nutritious foods, and your body will actually begin to crave them.

  Fear-based: I should feel guilty when I eat what I love.

  Many popular food and diet ads feed into the fear that eating for pleasure is sinful and that you should eat only foods that are “guilt free.”

  Fearless: I eat what I love, and I love what I eat.

  In the long run, you’ll be more satisfied if you choose a variety of foods you like and allow yourself to enjoy them without guilt.

  Fear-based: I really shouldn’t be eating this.

  You are just giving yourself pseudo-permission if you don’t really believe you can eat certain foods. When you choose a food you think you
shouldn’t, instead of fully enjoying it, you’ll be planning to pay penance by exercising more, skipping a snack or a meal, or eating light the next day to make up for it. Since you never really gave yourself permission to eat what you wanted, you’ll continue to feel out of control, you’ll overeat or binge, and you’ll punish yourself for it—the eat-repent-repeat cycle.

  Fearless: I choose balance, variety, and moderation in my eating.

  Give yourself unconditional permission to allow all foods in your diet. If you repeatedly overeat a particular food, notice what you are thinking and feeling. You may be in a subconscious Restrictive Eating Cycle and setting yourself up for a binge. All foods can fit into a balanced diet, so allow your common sense to guide your food choices by using the simple principles of balance, variety, and moderation.

  Fear-based: I’ll use the Hunger and Fullness Scale to control my eating.

  Feeling guilty if you eat when you’re not hungry or judging yourself for eating past a 5 or a 6 is no different than dieting. This form of restrictive eating can lead to the same eat-repent-repeat cycle.

  Fearless: I am in charge of all my decisions, including when I eat.