Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat for Binge Eating

by Michelle May M. D.

  Connie realized she was using food to reward herself.

  Trigger: When I’m taking care of everybody else without getting anything in return.

  Feeling: I feel unappreciated and resentful.

  Need: I need acknowledgement and appreciation.

  Self-Care Voice: Of course you reward or treat yourself with food for giving all day. Everyone needs to feel appreciated and food is a universal way to express gratitude. But overeating isn’t a great reward because you end up feeling bad afterward. I know it’s difficult for you, but it’s important to start letting people know how you feel and what you need from them. If they still don’t show the appreciation you feel you deserve, you get to make a choice: don’t do everything for them anymore or do it because you want to and find ways to acknowledge yourself.

  Action Plan: I will plan a family meeting and say something like, “I feel hurt when you don’t recognize what I do for you. I’d love to hear “thank you” more often and have the favors returned sometimes!” I will focus more on the appreciation that I do receive by making a “kudos” file of all the nice things people say and write to me. I will also start a reward fund: whenever I feel deserving of a pat on the back, I’ll give one to myself and deposit a little money to treat myself to something I love, like downloading some great music, subscribing to one of my favorite magazines, or planning a spa day. When I decide that food is an appropriate reward, I’ll make it for a special event and enjoy the whole experience mindfully so it won’t feel punishing instead of rewarding.

  Samantha has trouble managing social eating.

  Trigger: When I am eating with my family or friends in a social situation.

  Feeling: I feel excited, disconnected, and pressured to eat.

  Need: I need to be in charge and present with my body.

  Self-Care Voice: Of course all of this food and the celebratory mood triggers you to want to eat! You can enjoy connecting with people you love over food while still using your hunger and fullness to guide you. When someone offers you food and you think, “I don’t want to be rude or hurt their feelings,” remember, you are in charge of your body. If they are offering—or pushing—food as a way to express or earn love, you can acknowledge their efforts without ignoring your needs.

  Action Plan: I will do a Body-Mind-Heart Scan to reconnect with my body when I am in social situations. When someone offers me food but I’m not hungry, I can politely and firmly decline, thank them, and acknowledge how much I appreciate their talent and effort. I can ask for the recipe or request leftovers to take home to eat when I’m hungry. I will look for nonedible ways to give and receive affection: attention, words, touching, cards, small gifts, and spending time together doing something other than eating.

  Samantha was also struggling to find balance in her life.

  Trigger: When I’m trying to juggle taking care of my grandkids and helping my elderly parents on top of everything else I have to do.

  Feeling: I feel tired and overwhelmed.

  Need: I need balance and more rest.

  Self-Care Voice: Of course! You have a lot on your plate. Life places a lot of demands on your energy and time, plus you have the added stress of your own high expectations. You’ve learned that eating can be a way to balance your physical and emotional energy. When you’re wired, it calms you down; when you’re tired, it can soothe you to sleep. Food works, but you deserve better! Your time and energy are limited resources; you are in charge of managing that delicate balance.

  Action Plan: I will make a list and prioritize what I need to get done. I will respect my personal strengths and limitations and learn to say no and do less. I will increase the time I give myself to do things and cut down on the number of obligations and complications in my life. I will slow down and become completely aware and focused on the moment and on one task at a time so I’ll be more efficient, more effective, and more likely to notice life’s little pleasures. I will start planning a vacation, even if it’s just a long weekend.

  Cathy had a difficult situation at work.

  Trigger: When I came up with a great idea and my manager took credit for it.

  Feeling: I feel angry and hurt.

  Need: I need to feel heard and respected for my ideas.

  Self-Care Voice: Of course you feel angry! Of course you feel like eating. You were raised to believe that anger was bad and that you shouldn’t feel or show it. You’ve learned to use food to stuff your anger—eating has become a way to turn your anger against yourself, especially when you feel hurt. Anger is a normal, healthy feeling that should be expressed in a healthy way, like any other emotion. When you stuff your anger, it sometimes explodes later at an unrelated or minor event; no wonder anger seems bad! When you feel resentful about something, you reach for food as a sort of compensation. Just imagine someone saying, “Listen, I’ve decided to treat you unfairly, but I’d like to buy off your bad feelings with this plate of cookies.” Yet that’s precisely what you’re doing when you eat to smooth things over. Since anger sometimes masks the real issue, could it be that you are actually feeling hurt, ashamed, or afraid of losing something or someone?

  Action Plan: I will practice expressing anger and hurt in a healthy way. I will work on telling people how I feel and how I want to be treated. When I find myself reaching for food to soothe anger from a hurt, an insult, or an injustice, I will ask myself, “If this person offered me food to apologize for their action, would I take it?” If for some reason I am unable to address the issue directly, I will release the energy by writing an angry letter (I don’t have to send it!), screaming into a pillow, or exercising. After I deal with my anger, I will shift gears by focusing on something that makes me feel happy, like watching a funny movie, talking to a friend, or turning up the radio and singing to return to a sense of serenity and peace.

  (Note: Sometimes anger is expressed in an inappropriate manner and can cause relational and/or legal problems. If that is the case, seek help for anger management from a behavioral health professional.)

  Natalie thinks Mark isn’t spending enough time with her.

  Trigger: When my husband gets too focused on his work, he seems to forget about me.

  Feeling: I feel lonely and vulnerable.

  Need: I need closeness and affection.

  Self-Care Voice: Of course you turn to food when you feel lonely; it’s always there for you. But you can’t feel close to a carton of ice cream! When you’re feeling vulnerable, you tend to either complain or pull away from Mark and that creates even more distance between the two of you. Try not to take it personally when he gets busy. You are loveable and he loves you.

  Action Plan: I will take a risk and use a more direct approach. I will hug and kiss him more often. I will say, “I’ve been really missing you lately; can we plan some “us” time soon?” I will also plan more activities with my girlfriends so I am not depending on just one person to help me feel connected.

  Joyce takes a risk and shares a long-standing problem.

  Trigger: When I admit that I’ve stayed in an unhappy marriage for 37 years.

  Feeling: I feel trapped and scared.

  Need: I need to finally feel at peace with what I need to do.

  Self-Care Voice: Of course! You eat to numb out uncomfortable emotions or procrastinate about addressing something that you feel you can’t resolve. It is natural to want to avoid something scary and it’s easier to eat and stay in denial about an important issue that’s painful to deal with. Avoiding confrontation and conflict and stuffing your feelings, thoughts, and opinions down with food prevents you from expressing yourself. Identifying your feelings and needs, taking good care of yourself, seeking out support, and learning new skills is far more effective than avoiding your feelings.

  Action Plan: I will tell my husband how I really feel. I know this will be a difficult process so I will take good care of myself, seek out support, and use my new skills. When things seems overwhelming, I will see my therapist to help guide me t
hrough the process.

  Each of these individuals are learning to effectively use their self-care voice to validate their struggle and remind themselves of the wisdom they have learned along their journey of mindful eating and living. Allison shares her journey of learning to reconnect with herself so she could care for herself.

  Although it is still hard to listen to my needs, I’m working on it. I think I’m actually starting to hear my self-care voice! My therapist encouraged me to go to the doctor and have a full physical. I hadn’t been for over five years. I told the nurse that I was working with someone to address my eating issues and I didn’t want to know my weight, and they seemed to understand. I wasn’t exactly in the best health, but it wasn’t as bad as I was afraid it might be. My doctor said that I could take another important step by getting more active, but she didn’t lecture me about my weight, thank goodness! I have been walking to and from the office instead of taking the subway. I use mindful movement techniques to tune into my body and the environment during my walks. It is a great stress reliever—and a good reason for me to leave work before dark.

  I’ve also been making a point of going to bed when I feel tired—no more working and eating marathons—so I’m sleeping quite a bit better. And food is no longer my primary friendship. I realized that I had boxed myself into a very small, isolated, lonely world. I started to reach out more and connect with other people. It’s easier than I thought it would be—and people seem genuinely interested in getting to know me better. I’m interested in getting to know me better too!

  CHAPTER 10

  MY BIG LIFE

  Denise, a nurse, feels excited about the life ahead of her.

  I had been cycling between binge eating and restrictive dieting for as long as I can remember. It didn’t matter whether I was overeating or undereating, my whole world revolved around my weight and food—or trying not to eat food. As I explored my own eating cycles, I realized just how small my life had become. I was depending on food to make me happy—and it did, for a few bites. Beyond that, bingeing just kept me trapped. After a binge, I just felt sick and horrible, but then I’d do it all over again. I felt isolated, ashamed, scared, and tired. I guess I thought I deserved the punishment of being on a diet forever. Now I can see that there are so many more things I want to do. Every day I learn something new about myself: I don’t feel good when I eat a whole bag of chips. I notice that I’m tired when I stay up until midnight. It makes me happy to show my horses again. I feel like I am on the verge of the big life I’ve always dreamed about!

  At this point you may be asking yourself, “What now?” It is completely natural to have a mixture of emotions such as excitement, disappointment, or fear. You may be concerned that you’ll go back to your previous habits. But unlike a diet that gives you rules to follow for as long as you can, this process lays a foundation of decision making skills, coping strategies, and most important, new relationships with food and with your body. So this is not the end. It is just the beginning!

  WHERE DO I INVEST MY ENERGY?

  My Big Life

  Mindful eating is a process, not a destination. Since the changes you are making may be gradual, subtle, or painless, you may not realize that meaningful transformation is taking place. Let’s pause to see how far you’ve come.

  On a sheet of paper, draw a vertical line. At the top write “Flexible” and at the bottom write “Rigid.” Then draw a horizontal line intersecting the vertical line through the middle. On the right side write “Self-Care” and on the left write “Neglect.”

  Using the following explanations, think about where you were when you started this process and place yourself somewhere along each of these two lines.

  Self-Care vs. Neglect

  Think about how the decisions you make affect your health and well-being. At one end of the horizontal spectrum is self-care. Decisions that promote self-care have the most desirable effects on your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Obvious examples include eating a balanced diet and exercising regularly, but also consider the other ways that you care for your body, mind, heart, and spirit.

  On the other end of the spectrum is neglect. You’re neglecting yourself when your decisions ignore or disregard your best interests. An example of neglect is eating too much before bedtime even though it gives you heartburn. In the extreme, neglect can even be abusive to your body.

  Flexible vs. Rigid

  Think about how you make your day-to-day decisions. At one end of the vertical spectrum is flexibility. Flexibility allows you to adapt to any situation. Another way of thinking about flexibility is freedom, meaning that you can make any decision you choose at any given time.

  At the other end of the spectrum is rigidity. Rigid decision-making is strict, with no room for error or unexpected detours. For example, when you are trying to follow a diet rigidly, you strive to be perfect, not allowing yourself to make any mistakes or ever go “off the plan.”

  Now find the quadrant where your two points intersect.

  The flexibility or freedom to do whatever you want without regard to your best interests or self-care can lead to overeating and binge eating. On the other extreme, rigid adherence to a restrictive food or exercise plan may improve your health, but it comes at a high price.

  Since it’s nearly impossible to rigidly adhere to any plan that feels harsh or restrictive, you shift back and forth in an eat-repent-repeat cycle. This neglects your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual well-being and leads to guilt, shame, and ultimately, defeat.

  Now think about where you are at this moment and again place yourself somewhere along each of the two lines and find the point where they intersect. What has changed? Are there areas that you’re still working on?

  When you eat mindfully, you strive to take good care of yourself while giving yourself the flexibility to adapt. You adjust your eating and exercise patterns to fit your personal preferences and allow for changing circumstances. By practicing a mindful, flexible approach to self-care, you create a pattern of eating and living that fuels your big life. Denise was beginning to see big changes.

  Before this program, I thought my weight determined how healthy, successful, and happy I was. Everything was pretty much black or white. I felt righteous when I was sticking to my diet and humiliated when I binged. As long as I was obsessed about losing weight, I didn’t think about how I was feeling or what I needed.

  Diets always got harder and harder to follow with each passing day. But mindful eating is becoming more natural with practice. I definitely have a more flexible approach to self-care. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not, but I don’t feel crazy anymore. I don’t obsess about what to eat or what not to eat, nor do I judge myself for my choices. I don’t “make myself” eat healthy; I choose healthier foods because I’m taking care of myself. And when I crave something sweet, I can really enjoy it without thinking that I’m bad. I want to feel satisfied and energetic, not deprived or guilty. This fits beautifully into my lifestyle so there’s no need to cheat or give up.

  The biggest change though, is that I don’t define my self-worth by a number on a scale. I accept myself as I am today. That helps me focus on being healthy, successful, and happy today, too. Discovering the grey areas allows me to live my life in full living color.

  THE GREY AREA

  WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU GET OFF TRACK (AND YOU WILL!)

  Don’t expect yourself to be perfect. It isn’t possible and it isn’t necessary. Remember, the moment you become aware that you are mindless, you are mindful. Simply notice which decision point you’re at in your Mindful Eating Cycle and return to mindful eating with the next decision you make.

  There may also be times when you feel that you’ve forgotten everything. However, it is likely that you’ve integrated many aspects of this program that you’re not giving yourself credit for. Reflect on your recent eating patterns and use the Mindful Eating Cycle to help you identify areas that might need more foc
us. It’s less overwhelming to focus on one or two decision points than to believe you need to start all over again.

  Review the Mindful Eating Cycle and ask the following questions:

  Why? In general, why have I been eating lately? Have I been eating to meet my true needs? Or have I been rule-driven and rigid? Have I been eating to escape or numb my feelings?

  When? When have I been eating? Have I been eating in response to hunger? Are there any specific physical, environmental, or emotional triggers that I’ve been reacting to?

  What? What types of foods have I been eating lately? Does my diet reflect balance, variety, and moderation? Am I balancing eating for nourishment with enjoyment?

  How? How have I been eating lately? Have I been eating with intention and attention? Have I been eating while distracted—working, driving, reading, or watching TV? Have I been eating fast? Have I been eating secretly, or even differently in private than in public?

  How Much? How much have I been eating lately? Typically, how do I feel after eating—satisfied or stuffed?

  Where? Where have I been investing my energy lately? Am I practicing self-care? Have I been connecting with others or isolating myself? Am doing the things I love?

  Using the Mindful Eating Cycle to hone in on one decision point will help you get back on track in no time.

  Denise was struggling with overeating at work again.

  I use the Mindful Eating Cycle to help me with my decisions about eating, but I also use it to help me diagnose problems in my eating. For instance, for several months after I started this program, I was doing great handling all the food in the nurses’ lounge. Then I started going in there more often to grab a little something during my shift.