Teach Me

by Danielle Burton

  I sat on the edge of my bed, fiddling with my nails. I was long overdue for a mani/pedi, but it didn’t look like I’d be getting one anytime soon.

  “What about this?”

  I looked up at Gabi who held my digital camera in her hand. “No!” Rocketing from the bed, I rushed over to her and snatched it away.

  “Sheesh, calm down before you break my other wrist.” She stared down at me with wide eyes and her hand pulled to her chest.

  “Sorry, just…not this. My dad bought it for me before he left. It’s the last thing I have from him.”

  “Oh.” She stood there awkwardly chewing her lip. “You said it’s been like five years since he left, right? He doesn’t send you anything or…call?”

  “No.” I hugged the camera to my chest and went back to my bed. Turning it over in my hand, my mind drifted to the day my dad had given it to me. It was my thirteenth birthday, not too long before he left. I’d been obsessed with his camera, so he’d gotten me my own, identical to his.

  During the times when he was home, he’d take me around town, showing me how to use it and how to capture the perfect moments on film. He used to say the best subject was an unaware one, because that’s when you see the real them.

  “What about this?”

  I lifted my gaze again to see Gabi holding my gold Chanel clutch in her hand this time. We’d been sorting through my closet for the past hour, deciding what I could sell to make some money to put towards next year’s tuition. I’d also been hunting for a job for the past few days. It was all so tiring.

  I pointed to the large pile on her bed.

  She blew out an exasperated breath and crossed her arms. “Cam, what’s the point of us doing this if you’re just going to keep everything?”

  I dropped my gaze to the carpet, and watched my toes dig into the stiff fibers.

  The bed shifted and Gabi patted my arm. “I know this is hard for you, Cam, giving up all your things. You’ll get them back one day. Maybe you’ll find Mr. Rich like you’re always saying.” She bumped my shoulder with hers.

  I shook my head, continuing to stare at the floor. “I’m done looking. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t know what I want.”

  She draped her arm around me and rubbed my arm. “That’s okay. You have plenty of time to figure that out. No one says you have to decide today.”

  I felt my tears building and swallowed them down. “It’s not just that. It’s everything. I’ve been sitting here trying to make a list of things that make me special, and I can’t come up with any.” I faced her, meeting her soft gaze. “My mother’s been whispering in my ear so long that I have absolutely no idea who I am. I can’t decide if the things I like are really my favorite things or if I just like them because I feel like that’s what I’m supposed to do.” The tears broke free and I laid my head on her shoulder and sniffled. “Gabi...I don’t know who I am.”

  She rubbed her hand up and down my back then hugged me from the side. “I do. You’re my best friend. You’re the awesome girl who listened while I complained about Jay and his bitchy girlfriend. The girl who dried my tears and kept me going when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die.”

  I sniffled again and wiped my face. “I’ll always be there for you Gabi, but none of that defines me, at least not completely. I need to figure out where I belong in this crazy messed up world.”

  I stood and moved around the room, pulling on my boots and coat. It was nearing April and the snow had begun to melt but the temperature was still pretty low.

  Gabi watched me from her spot on my cluttered bed. “Where are you going?”

  “I just need some air.” While that was true, I also wanted to be alone, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying so. I grabbed up my camera and then headed outside in whatever direction the wind chose to carry me.

  I walked around for a while, contemplating my life up until this point, trying to think of one accomplishment I’d made. The answer was none. Sure I’d graduated high school, just barely, but that was nothing amazing. I had absolutely nothing to show for myself. I was simply existing, had no idea what living even felt like. I’d never won at anything, never really participated. I had exactly one friend. No father, basically no mother. I’d never experienced love. Hell, I’d never even left River Crest.

  I had a life full of a whole lot of nothing.

  My aimless walking led me to Juniper Lake. I ended up on the rocky side. Most people preferred the sandy side with the beach. This side was a lot different. There was something chaotic, yet beautiful about the jagged rocks leading out into the calm water.

  I sat down on a large, smooth, gray rock and stared out at the horizon. Juniper Lake was pretty big and I found myself wondering what was on the other side.

  Something moved in the corner of my eyes and I turned to my left. A good distance away a person took a seat on another of the rocks. I couldn’t make out much but they wore a black coat and blue jeans.

  Lifting my camera, I zoomed in on the person’s face.

  Benji.

  He sat with a winter cap pulled down to his brows and his legs bent with his arms draped over them. His gaze was on the lake so I could only see his profile, but even still, I could make out the seemingly permanent frown etched on his face, and memories of those tortured pools of blue flashed in my mind.

  I started to go over to him, but would most likely only be greeted with a cold shoulder.

  There was something bad happening inside of him. Something he’d decided was better to keep trapped within. I hadn’t been able to get the image of that gun out of my mind. I’d been all set on telling Jay about it when I’d received a text from Benji asking me to keep it between us, followed by several more begging me to promise.

  I was conflicted, not wanting to betray his trust but also not knowing him well enough to trust that he didn’t have something crazy planned with the weapon.

  Three weeks ago I wouldn’t have had a second thought about that matter, but then he’d gone and saved my life and now I felt like I owed him. At least enough to make and keep that promise.

  I adjusted the focus on my camera and began snapping pictures of him. I sat there for a few minutes, capturing on film something I could only describe as chaotic beauty.

  Chapter Seven

  ~ Benji ~

  I ran my thumb over the engraving on the silver, bone shaped dog tag I’d taken off of Killa before burying her. Many would probably wonder why I was so screwed up over an animal, especially one I’d known for as little as two weeks. Truth was, losing Killa was only a small part of what ate at my soul. Her death was a reminder of how far out of my reach good things were in my life. If I couldn’t even have a fucking dog, then what was there? Lately I found myself wondering why I continued to hold on when there was nothing in my life worth fighting for.

  The whole of my existence was like Murphy’s Law. Anything bad that could happen, did. I lived under a constant dark cloud, a sliver of me secretly hoping one day the rain would stop, but it seemed as though clear skies weren’t in my forecast.

  I was fed up with being rained on. Sick of reaching for that ray of sunshine only to realize it was only a mirage. But mostly I was tired of being struck by lightning at every turn.

  As Jay returned to our booth, I tucked the dog tag inside my shirt then took a sip of my drink.

  He slid into his seat and eyed me for a moment. “You never answered my question.”

  “Oh yeah, which one was that?”

  He narrowed his eyes at me then repeated the question from earlier. “Are you ever going to tell me where you disappeared to for all that time?”

  I leaned back in my booth and draped my arms over the back of my seat. “You know me, bro. Just getting all the kitty I can handle.”

  His brows knitted together and he frowned at me. A second later his gaze lifted to something behind me and a smile formed on his lips.

  I looked over my shoulder, curious as to what changed his
demeanor.

  Gabi stood behind me and as usual Cam was glued to her side.

  My gaze lingered on Cam for a moment.

  Her eyes darted to me and she shook her head. That new look from her, the one I’d come to enjoy, vanished before my eyes.

  She slid into the booth next to me, which I knew was only because she didn’t have a choice. By her stiff movements and the way she sat as close to the edge of the seat as possible, it was clear she didn’t want to be anywhere near me.

  She set the camera that always seemed to be in her possession lately on the table, and then started up a conversation with Gabi without so much as another glance in my direction.

  It wouldn’t be the first time she’d blatantly ignored me, but somehow this time cut deeper. There were a couple moments in the past weeks where I’d thought we’d shared something. Apparently she didn’t feel the same.

  I sat for a minute staring out of the window at the fast changing season. The first of April had come and gone and spring’s approach was swift.

  This thing with Cam both confused and frustrated me. I kept finding that my heart beat a little faster whenever her name was mentioned, especially if it was said she’d be in my vicinity. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her most times, which had always been the case because Cam was fine as hell and her body could make a man sell his soul. But lately my stare wasn’t lust filled. I’d look at her, willing her to turn her gaze in my direction, even just a glance. Those rare times that she did, I’d get a frown or she’d roll her eyes in disgust. I was fine with that, at least she’d looked.

  I thought back to that conversation in my car, her telling me I needed a friend. She wasn’t wrong, and I did want one. I wanted her so desperately as my friend. But I couldn’t have her, and that knowledge pushed me further to the edge. Guys like me didn’t get the girl. We didn’t get the two story home, white picket fence, or huge yard. There was no happily ever after at the end of my book.

  Until recently, I was okay with that. The change had been so gradual that I’d barely even noticed it. The first time had been over winter break and it’d hit me like a Mack truck. That day she’d ended up at Isaac’s kicked it into overdrive. I’d been walking back from the liquor store when I noticed some suspicious activity down the street. The first thing that sent up a red flag was the way ol’ boy kept glancing around like somebody was after him. I was about to brush him off as a druggie when a pair of brown legs fell out of his car.

  I’d recognized Cam as soon as he’d thrown her over his shoulder, and dropped my bottle of vodka to run to her aid.

  My fist had slammed into his face before he’d even seen me. After catching Cam and laying her down, I’d continued to bash his face in for even thinking about doing some sinister shit to her.

  In the moments of me beating him senseless I realized I wasn’t just pissed because he was preying on innocent women, but because the woman he’d chosen was Cam. I probably would’ve killed the bastard if Isaac hadn’t pulled me off of him.

  I’d spent the next couple hours watching her sleep and contemplating these new feelings for her that were blooming inside me. The next few were spent scolding myself for thinking for a second that I stood a chance.

  This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to catch feelings. Feeling was one thing I avoided at all costs. It led to caring, which led to disappointment, which led to pain. I had enough of that.

  Someone nudged my foot under the table and I looked up at Jay.

  He nodded to the waitress standing over our table then to the menu in front of me.

  I placed my usual order of a deep dish pizza with sausage and jalapenos then went back to staring out of the window.

  When the food arrived, everyone continued with their conversation. I ate in silent contemplation while watching Cam in my peripheral vision.

  She laughed at something Gabi said then lifted a fry to her mouth. “Jay, can you pass me the salt?”

  I took it before he could and held it out to her.

  She plucked it from my hand and mumbled a thanks.

  Before she could even ask, I grabbed up the hot sauce and set it next to her plate. She always added hot sauce to her fries. She also always ended up adding too much then burned her mouth and gulped down both her and Gabi’s drink before ordering a glass of water.

  She lifted the bottle and examined it then smacked her lips. “Do they ever refill these things?” Releasing a heavy breath, she stood and headed to the bar.

  Soon after she left, Gabi excused herself to the bathroom.

  Jay looked over at me and raised a brow. “What’s that all about?”

  “What?”

  “You and Cam.”

  I shook my head while sliding out of the booth. “Nothing.”

  Before he could say anything else I stood and made my way over to Cam at the bar.

  As I arrived she was turning to leave, hot sauce in hand. I caught her elbow to stop her. “Hold up.”

  She slid out if my grasp and faced me. “Yes Benji.” While her words were polite, the tone in which she spoke them was the equivalent of a serrated knife to the gut.

  “You alright?”

  “Am I–are you kidding?” Her next words were spoken in a loud whisper. “No I am not alright. I’m keeping what could be a deadly secret.”

  I collapsed on the stool and tilted my head to the side before speaking. I felt like shit for asking her to keep such a secret, but I didn’t need the hero Jayson trying to talk me down. “It’s not deadly, Cam.”

  “Really? Because last time I checked guns killed people.”

  “I don’t plan on killing anyone.”

  “Then what do you need it for?”

  I stared down at her feet for a minute before looking her in the eye and shaking my head.

  She huffed and rolled her eyes. “Just forget it.” She turned to leave again but I caught her hand this time. It was a lot smaller than mine, and soft. “What now?”

  “I, um, I don’t know how much you heard of what I said to Jay, but–”

  She snatched her hand away and a frown took over her pretty face. “You know what Benji, just stop. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this hot and cold it starting to feel like menopause. We aren’t friends, and you don’t owe me any explanations. I couldn’t really care less where you were or who you did while you were there.” With that she turned on her heels and flounced away from me.

  I stared after her for a minute until I noticed Jay watching me with one of his brows raised. A cure for every disease in existence would be found before he learned to mind his own business.

  I swiveled on my stool and eyed the wall of liquor behind the bar, my hands trembling on the bar top. I closed them into fists and squeezed my eyes shut. I don’t need it. I don’t.

  “Can I get you something?”

  I opened my eyes then narrowed them at the bartender standing in front of me. “No.” I stood and made my way back to the booth, digging in my pocket while I walked. I pulled out a couple bills and tossed them on the table as I passed on my way to the door.

  Sliding into my car, I released a shaky breath. The confined space only made the suffocating feeling ten times worse. Everywhere I went lately I felt like the walls were closing in. I needed a drink. I didn’t want to. I’d been fighting it. Every time I picked up a bottle I tried to talk myself out of it. It never worked.

  My hands would start to shake and my tongue would go dry with an unquenchable thirst. Hours later I’d wake with a strange woman next to me whose name I didn’t remember and couldn’t care less to anyway.

  Then there were the other times. Days I’d wake up alone. Those were the worst.

  With a shaky hand I reached over and opened my glove compartment. My uncle’s revolver gleamed under the soft glow from the light inside. I’d taken it months ago. Sat while he ranted about neighborhoods no longer being safe from burglars. Gone with him to file a police report, then to pick out a new alarm system and
had even helped him install it.

  I hadn’t planned on keeping up with the charade so long, but we kept getting more and more bad news about Auntie, and I didn’t want to add any more stress to the situation. There was also the tiny part of me that hoped for something, anything, to give me the will to keep breathing. As the months passed that hope dwindled until not an ounce of it was left.

  My heart thundered in my ears as my hand inched closer to the weapon. A knock on my window nearly made me piss myself. I slammed the glove box shut and locked it before facing the door.

  Jay leaned near the window, frowning at me, and then motioned for me to roll it down.

  I sighed heavily before doing so. “What?”

  “What’s going on with you, bro?”

  “Nothing, I already told you that.”

  “No,” he said stooping down next to the car and resting his arms on the door. “You said there was nothing going on with you and Cam, which I’m pretty sure you’re lying about, but I’ll let it go...for now.” He nudged my shoulder with the back of his hand. “Talk to me man. What’s up? Is it my mom?”

  What was it that people failed to understand about not wanting to talk? I leaned back in my seat, staring down at the steering wheel. “No, and nothing’s up. I just don’t feel like being bothered right now, damn. Can I have some fucking air?”

  His stare bored into the side of my face but I kept my eyes front. He blew out a heavy breath and rapped his fingers on the inside of the door. “Don’t shut me out, Benj. We’re family and I’m here if you need me.”

  “Yeah alright.”

  “I mean it. And don’t forget dinner tonight. Pops wants us there.”

  “Whatever. Can you move now so I can roll up my window?”

  “Cam’s coming.”

  I looked over to see a slight smile on his face.

  “And?”

  He smirked. “And stop being a perv and just ask the girl out.”

  I hit the window button causing him to jump away and fall back. That’s what his meddling ass gets.

  ~ ♥ ~