Backstage Dirty (The Savage Light Rockers #1)

by Jenika Snow

  Chapter Seven

  [Tanner sat on the couch with a very hung-over and slightly depressed looking Zoe right beside her. Zoe still had on her dark sunglasses from the ride back to Brookstone from Aspen, and that was three hours ago.

  “So, have you decided what you’re going to do?” Zoe had her head resting on the back the couch and turned it so she could look at Tanner. She tried to sound upbeat, but there was this off sound in her voice.

  “You asked me that ten minutes ago.” Tanner rested her head on the couch, too, and looked up at the ceiling. Her parents were gone for most of the day shopping, and although she would eventually have to talk to them—very soon in fact if she decided she did want to go on tour with Savage Light—she was glad the house was quiet so she could think.

  “I don’t know what there is to think about, Tanner.” Zoe sounded sleepy although it was already going on two in the afternoon. “If a famous rock band asked me to go on tour with them and make their graphics, I’d jump on that like white on rice.”

  Tanner couldn’t help it. She snorted. “White on rice? I don’t think anyone says that anymore.”

  “Sure they do. I just did.” Zoe took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes, and when she dropped her hands Tanner could see how red her eyes were. That was not a hung-over look, but one where someone had been crying a lot.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  Zoe waved off her questions and changed the subject. “God, my head is killing me. I drank too much after I left Beats’s room—” Zoe stopped talking, looked sharply at Tanner, and then put her glasses back on. “Anyway…” She gave this weird laugh. “Where in the hell did you two go off to? I saw you leaving with Jacks and then didn’t see you the rest of the night.”

  Of course Tanner didn’t miss the way Zoe diverted the conversation once more, but whatever. If Zoe didn’t want to talk about it right now, fine. “We, uh, we actually just went into the next room and talked.” She cleared he throat, but she felt Zoe staring at her. “What?” Tanner looked over at her friend, saw the look she was giving her, and groaned. Had she planned on hiding the fact she slept with Jacks from Zoe? No, not really, but she certainly hadn’t thought she would be telling Zoe this soon. Tanner wanted to try to figure out how to tell her best friend what she had done without actually saying she let Jacks Lorde fuck her.

  “Oh. My. God.” Zoe sat up on the couch, tossed her sunglasses onto the coffee table, and instantly groaned and covered her eyes with a hand.

  But Tanner felt her eyes widen and slapped a hand over her mouth. “Did I totally just say that out loud?”

  Zoe nodded slowly. “Yeah, you totally said you let Jacks fuck you.”

  Tanner groaned again.

  “You have to tell me all of it, and don’t leave out the raunchy details.”

  “All of what?” Tanner sighed again and rested her head on the back of the couch once more.

  “All of the nasty, filthy details. I want them all.”

  Tanner felt her cheeks heating to a volcanic level as Zoe continued to stare at her, and although her friend looked like she had been run over by a Mac truck she also looked eager as hell to hear whatever Tanner would tell her. “There isn’t anything much to tell. We had sex and fell asleep, and in the morning he talked to me about the tour thing.” She could see from Zoe’s face that her friend wasn’t buying how she was trying to shrug it off.

  “You’re a bad liar.” Zoe went back to almost lying on the couch, but she kept her focus on Tanner.

  “Yeah, I know. I was never any good at it.” They both smiled at the same time.

  “Well, I’ll tell you something that I should probably take to the grave with me.”

  This had Tanner shifting so she could face Zoe. The sudden movement had her muscles protesting from being taken up against a wall last night, as well as the soreness between her thighs at having Jacks pounding his dick into her like he couldn’t get enough. Heat filled her face once more, and Zoe shook her head and laughed.

  “I don’t think I want to know what you’re thinking.” Zoe closed her eyes and scrubbed a hand over her face. It seemed like her friend took forever to speak again, and Tanner knew that the reason Zoe had been acting strange this morning was why she was being hesitant to say anything now. “I actually made a move on Beats last night.”

  Tanner blinked, surprised that Zoe finally acted on her feelings. “You did?” Tanner always found that a bit strange that Zoe would pine after a guy and not even talk to him about it and see if he was interested, but she never pressed her on the matter, and in fact, what room did Tanner have to judge someone else? She had loved Jacks for a long time, too, but up until last night hadn’t actually told him how she felt. “We are one and the same, girlie.”

  Zoe reached out and grabbed her hand, and Tanner knew her friend knew exactly what Tanner meant. “Yeah, but where you got an invite to tour with Savage-Freaking-Light, I crashed, burned, and waited for the explosion.”

  “You’re probably over-exaggerating, Zoe.”

  “I’m not.” She shook her head. “I can’t even say I was trashed when I tried to kiss him. It was after the fact that I snagged a six-pack from the party, went to one of the spare rooms, and got drunk alone as I watched The Breakfast Club.” She exhaled, but kept her attention on the ceiling. “But what was the nail in the coffin was when he started saying that we were friends. I cut him off after that because no way in hell did I want to have that conversation.” She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut even tighter. “I made a horrendous ass out of myself. I should have told him a long time ago how I felt, but I guess I knew how that situation would go. I so didn’t want to have the ‘you’re my friend, your brother is my friend, and I can’t do this with you, Zoe’ conversation.” She looked at Tanner then and actually grimaced. “I was hoping getting wasted in my room would make me forget, but it’s a damn curse because I remember it with a whole lot of damn clarity.” She groaned and covered her eyes.

  “I wish you would have called me. I would have come to you right away.”

  Zoe shook her head before Tanner even finished speaking. “No, I just wanted to be alone. Those that say putting yourself out there is a good idea is full of shit.” She laughed, but it was this awkward sound. “I am humiliated, Tanner. I don’t think I can face him again. I am mortified, and want to crawl under a rock.”

  “I’m sure to him it wasn’t as bad as it was for you. And maybe if you stuck around he would have said he cared for you?”

  Zoe shrugged. “That’s a nice thought, but I am done thinking about it, or at least I’m going to try to put it in the back of my mind.” She looked at Tanner. “But obviously that is wishful thinking.” She stopped rubbing her head and opened her eyes. “He sleeps with countless women, Tanner, and that should turn me off big time, but I knew him before he was this mega-star. I love him, and he will never see me as anything more than a childhood friend and Lane’s little sister.”

  Although the guys were their age, Zoe’s family was close friends with Beats and his family. Because of that they had spent a lot of vacations together, and Zoe’s older brother, Lane, had become good friends with Beats. “I wish I could say something to make you feel better.”

  The look Zoe gave her was a mix between boredom and exasperation. “There isn’t anything else to say except the end result is still the same.” She closed her eyes once more, and she didn’t speak for several seconds. “I have no chance with him, never did in fact, and last night I made an ass out of myself and crossed a line that I should have stayed behind.”

  “You didn’t cross a line, Zoe. You were acting on your feelings, and I wish I would have said something to Jacks years ago.” The memories of how many times she had wanted to tell Jacks that she loved him played through her head like a broken record. “You don’t think any of us have done something that we regret?” The image of five years ago when she gave her virginity to Jacks slammed through her head. Although she didn’t regret doing it, sh
e had felt like she crossed a line and had potentially ruined a friendship—just like how Zoe probably felt right now.

  “I guess.” Zoe still kept her eyes closed, and Tanner hated that her friend felt this way.

  “Last night wasn’t the first time I slept with Jacks.” Tanner hadn’t meant to say anything, and in fact had never told anyone about giving her virginity to Jackson. But her statement had Zoe slowly pushing herself up so she was no longer leaning against the couch. She wanted her friend to know that she had also regretted crossing a line.

  “What?”

  Tanner licked her suddenly dry lips. “Yeah. Right before I left for school. We had both been drinking, and one thing led to another.”

  Zoe looked very interested in the conversation, hang-over completely forgotten it seemed.

  Tanner shrugged, and although she wanted to turn away from Zoe’s penetrating stare, she kept her gaze on her friend. “We might have been drunk, but we weren’t too trashed that we didn’t know what we were doing.”

  “Why you didn’t tell me?”

  “I didn’t tell anyone. I was afraid I had ruined my friendship with Jacks, and that because of what we had done it would be like this domino effect with the rest of the guys. Can you imagine how awkward it would have been if it had gone down that way?” She didn’t wait for Zoe to respond. She just kept talking, because even though it had been years, it felt really good to get it out. “So I hauled ass out of there, avoided Jacks like the damn plague because I didn’t know how to deal with it all, and gave this shitty goodbye to everyone. It just felt so strange being around him after that, even though I kept my distance.”

  “But obviously things worked out.”

  Tanner shrugged. “I won’t lie and say it wasn’t weird when I first saw him after all that time. I mean I love all of the guys, but Jacks…” She brought her legs up and sat crossed-legged on the couch. “I’m in love with him. The time apart didn’t change that.” There was a long moment of silence that stretched between them, and she wondered what Zoe was thinking. She didn’t seem upset that Tanner had never told her what happened, but she supposed enough time had passed that it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. “What makes this even worse is that for those five years I never reached out to him.”

  “Well, the band grew massively in that time. It probably would have been hard for you to get in contact with him anyway.”

  She nodded, because that was a nice thought, but she would never know because she had never reached out.

  “He loves you?”

  Tanner nodded, and she couldn’t help the goofy grin that covered her face. Zoe groaned, but she smiled as well. She didn’t know what would happen if she actually decided to go on tour with him, but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and a chance to use her degree in the most fantastical of ways. But with that success also came a shitload of other things that could go wrong. “He wants me to go on tour with him not only as an employee, but also as us … in a relationship.”

  “I won’t lie and say going with them wouldn’t be the most incredible experience you will probably ever have, because it would be. I mean the things you would see, and hell, you’d be up close and personal with Savage Light.”

  “Zoe, I don’t see them as this rock band. I just see them as the guys that we hung out with.”

  “Yeah, I know, but I can’t help but feel a little excited that we know them on a level none of those screaming fans ever will. You know?”

  Tanner nodded. Yeah, she knew exactly what Zoe was talking about. “So, see, don’t feel so weird about putting the moves on Beats, because I freaking slept with Jacks and ran like a little kid.”

  Zoe smiled and nodded. “I won’t lie and say your story didn’t make me feel a little better, but it still sucks.”

  “Yeah, I know.” They were silent for a few more minutes, and she wondered if Zoe had fallen asleep. But then, with her eyes still closed, Zoe started talking. “I think you should go. You’ll probably see a lot of shit you don’t want to. I mean look at that party last night. There were naked chicks all over the guys, and drugs everywhere.”

  “You don’t think the guys do drugs, do you?”

  Zoe was shaking her head before Tanner even finished. “No, I asked Beats, before I made an ass out of myself that is. He said they don’t touch that stuff, but there was this strange look on his face, and his voice sounded weird. Maybe they had tried them and he felt strange talking about it with me?” She shrugged. “Oh well, it doesn’t matter now because I can’t face him after last night.”

  “Things will work out, Zoe, I mean look how things ended up with Jacks and me.”

  “Yeah, but how will you be able to handle the groupies that throw themselves at them?”

  “I’m no prude, and can handle all of the groupie girls degrading themselves, at least I hope I can, but I love Jacks, Zoe—”

  “And you don’t want to see them doing that to Jacks, even if he isn’t interested in them?” Zoe finished her sentence, and Tanner nodded. “You can’t let thoughts like that determine whether you want to go or not. If Jacks wants you then he wants you. If some slut tries to make a move on the man you want, well, put her in her place. I mean remember when Stacey Krenlock started shit with you our junior year?”

  Tanner started laughing. “She wasn’t trying to go after anyone I loved. She was just a mega bitch.”

  “Yeah, but you put her ass in place. You’re a tough girl. Those groupie bitches ain’t got nothing on you. I mean the lead singer of Savage Light wants only you.”

  “I don’t see him as that, the leader singer of a huge rock band that is. I just see him as Jacks, the guy that I have always cared about.”

  “I am glad things worked out between you two, although I feel like I have been blind this whole time.” Zoe smiled. “I should have seen that there was something between you all those years, right? I mean I know you saw how I felt for Beats, even tried to push me to talk to him, but I was a huge wimp.”

  “I tried to keep how I felt from not showing. I mean it wasn’t like we professed our feelings. I worried it was just this night of drunken sex, well, at least how he felt. I didn’t see it as that, though.”

  “But you expressed how you felt for each other last night?”

  Tanner nodded. “Yeah. I want to go if only to be with Jacks. Thinking about not seeing him for a long period of time again is hard, but I have no one to blame for that but myself.”

  “You shouldn’t blame yourself for anything. I mean Jacks could have contacted you, too, right?”

  Tanner didn’t go into how they had talked about all of that last night, and instead just nodded. “He could have, but I could have, too. We were both scared and hurt, and I guess with time it just got worse.”

  “Listen, he said take the time to think about it. That is what you need to do, because once you are on the road with them then that is it. You can’t just ask them to turn back around because you can’t handle all the shit that is part of hanging out with them.” Zoe stood and groaned immediately. “Can I crash here for a few hours? I just know I am going to have to pull over twenty different times to throw up if I try and drive home now.”

  Tanner nodded and smiled. “Of course.”

  Zoe stumbled out of the living room and up the stairs to the spare room. Tanner leaned back on the couch, stared at the textured ceiling, and tried to envision what the next several months would be like. And then the next thing to think about was what her parents would say when she brought it to their attention. They loved Jacks, but they were old school, and she knew they had heard all about the scandals that happened with celebrities. She was an adult now, could obviously make her own decision, but that didn’t mean her parents wouldn’t probably sit her down and give her “The Speech”. She knew what she was going to be doing for the next several days: think long and hard about what she really wanted, even though it shouldn’t have been a hard decision at all.

  Chapter Eight


  Jacks stood in the center of the stage and stared at the massive crowd before him. The Pepsi Center currently housed twenty-thousand Savage Light fans. They chanted the band’s name, moved back and forth so it looked like a wave of bodies, and sent adrenaline pumping through his veins. He knew the rest of the guys on stage with him felt the same way. He may be partially numb to the lifestyle of partying and women, but he would never get used to having complete strangers chant the band’s name, or scream out for more.

  “There’s a lot of fucking people out there,” Five said to the crowd. He was beside Jacks, his bass strapped over his chest, his hand on the microphone stand, and a grin spread out over his face. The crowd went wild, and some of the women in the first few rows started screaming for Five to take them, to fuck them, and to do a whole lot of other dirty shit after the show. And Five would probably take a few up on their obscene offers. It was the same thing every show, but it got the guys higher than fucking kites to be in the thick of it. Five was the worst out of them when it came to taking girls backstage after shows. Jacks couldn’t count the number of times he had walked in on Five and a chick or two banging in a storage room, or even behind the tour bus. They had all had their fair share of sleeping around because the pussy was right there in front of them, but Five, yeah, their bassist was the worst. But now for Jacks even thinking about sticking his dick in anyone aside from Tanner had the damn thing inverting with disgust.