Secretly Hers (Sterling Canyon)

by Jamie Beck

  “Trip?” Her even tone rang through the intercom, offering no hint of her mood.

  He slid a finger back and forth inside his collar and then cleared his dry throat. “The one and only.”

  “Come on up.”

  He grasped the knob before the latch clicked open, his muscles twitching with nervous anticipation. Trotting up the stairs to her unit, Trip smoothed his hair before rapping on the door.

  “Hey,” she said, waving him inside while Cowboy squirmed in her other hand.

  Upon first sight of her, his body hummed like an engine forced to idle. Any other day, he would’ve lifted her off her feet and kissed her. Today he resisted the pull, knowing they needed to settle things first.

  Her gaze flitted around the room, apparently uncomfortable making eye contact. His stomach knotted a bit, knowing her uneasiness wasn’t the best sign. Then he noticed something about her looked different—a lot of things, actually. No makeup, loose-fitted loungewear, knitted slippers, and paleness that didn’t make sense for someone who just spent four days on the coast of Mexico.

  Rather than risk offending her by remarking on her uncharacteristic appearance, he presented the wine. “A peace offering.”

  “Oh.” Her brows pinched together before she set her kitten down. “Thanks.” She hesitated before taking the bottle—not exactly the enthusiastic response he’d wanted. “Nice Brunello. For a guy who doesn’t know wine, you picked a good one.”

  Her uncertain grin merely emphasized the tension between them. Like two positive magnet poles being forced together, the tangible energy between their bodies seemed determined to keep them apart.

  “Want me to open it?” He started walking toward the kitchen to look for wineglasses. Maybe acting like things were normal would make them so.

  While he stood glancing at her cabinets, trying to recall where she kept her glasses, she set the bottle on the counter. Her gaze wandered as she tapped her fingernails against the granite. “Not now.”

  What? He tilted his head, resting his hands on his hips. “Since when do you turn down wine after five?”

  “Well . . .” She tossed a hank of hair behind her shoulder. With her head slightly bowed, she looked up at Trip through pale brown lashes. “This isn’t really a social call.”

  Her subdued behavior threw him, as did her stillness and the lack of the soft music he’d grown accustomed to in her home. A quick survey of the living area revealed a pair of shoes kicked off in the corner, two small paper bags set on the dining table beside a pile of unread mail, and a sweater haphazardly draped over the back of a chair.

  She and her apartment both looked as if she’d just given up on caring about anything. Even with his monster ego, he had a hard time believing his and Mason’s recent behavior had completely killed her spirit. Time to stop dancing around the subject.

  Trip tucked his hands in his jeans pockets. “Kelsey, I know I hurt you. I can’t go back and do things differently, but I’ll keep apologizing until I convince you how sorry I am.”

  Kelsey waved him off, a wan smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “I know you’re sorry, Trip.”

  For the first time in ten days, his lungs didn’t feel compressed. If anything, he might’ve sworn they’d filled with helium and his toes were leaving the ground. “You do?”

  She nodded, then added, “I don’t like what you did, or agree with how you handled things, but I believe you meant well.”

  Despite the admonishment, he couldn’t help but smile. Stepping closer, he reached out to playfully tug on the ends of her hair. “So have you forgiven me?”

  She hesitated again, her expression unreadable, then gestured toward the sofa. “Maybe we should sit.”

  His momentary weightlessness died, feet now firmly on the ground. Something was still wrong. Really wrong.

  He scanned her face, once again noting its pasty hue and anxious expression. Her averted gaze, the nibbling of her lip, the way she kept wringing her hands—all of it caused flashbacks to the day his mother first told him she had cancer.

  Trip’s stomach churned. He gently placed his fingers under her chin and tipped up her head so he could study her eyes. “You’re worrying me, princess. Are you sick or something?”

  Through a nervous chuckle, she said, “Or something.”

  He released her and rubbed the back of his neck. His radar detected a major problem, but for the life of him, he remained clueless. “How ’bout we deal with stuff head-on? Whatever you’re fretting about, just spit it out. I bet it won’t be as bad as you think.”

  “Don’t make that bet, cowboy.” Her heavy sigh hung in the air.

  “I’m here like you asked, so if this isn’t about Mason, and you’re not sick, then what? Is this about Wade’s proposed development? ’Cause as far as I know they haven’t finished the impact study yet.”

  Kelsey’s widened eyes made her look as if she’d completely forgotten about the deal, then a quirk of her brow seemed to dismiss the whole matter as if it were inconsequential. “It’s got nothing to do with that.”

  “Kels, I’d rather not play twenty questions.” Trip narrowed his eyes and engaged in a game of chicken, which he won the second she averted her gaze.

  “Sorry. You’re right.” She tipped up her chin and stared directly in his eyes, revealing the first spark of his princess he’d seen since he’d arrived. “There isn’t an easy way to say this, so here goes: I’m pregnant.”

  He blinked. His facial muscles—hell, every muscle in his body—froze. Pregnant?

  He blinked again. Pregnant!

  Breathe. Keep breathing.

  Suddenly her silent apartment came alive with sounds, like the ticking of the mantel clock in the living room, and the playful thud of Cowboy’s tiny paws against the wood floor as he pranced around Kelsey’s feet.

  Had the lights flickered? The room didn’t spin so much as the fine details of the lamps and curtains and artwork blurred together. Having retreated so far inside his own head, he couldn’t distinguish Kelsey’s words, which buzzed in his ears like an active beehive.

  A baby. His baby.

  His baby.

  How the hell could he be anybody’s father? And how the hell had this even happened? Every hair on his body stood on end as if he’d been struck by static electricity after shuffling across a carpet while wearing socks.

  “Trip, are you okay?” Kelsey touched his arm.

  He inadvertently flinched. A chaotic whirl of memories spun through his mind as he tried to answer his own questions until one broke free and struck him like a baseball bat to the head. He stood and without forethought uttered, “The broken condom.”

  Kelsey straightened her spine, her voice distant and questioning. “What broken condom?”

  “That first night.” Trip bent at the waist, gripped his knees, and sucked in some air. He then glanced up at her stunned expression. “I’d figured I ripped it while removing it, but maybe it happened earlier.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Kelsey’s brows drooped. She looked more hurt than angry.

  “I don’t know.” Adrenaline pulsed through his veins, spreading tingling sensations throughout his limbs. He began pacing in a tight circle, shaking his hands out as if they were wet. “I got distracted because you were so busy kicking me out.” Immediately he regretted his snappy tone and halted for a second. “Sorry, I’m not . . . I’m . . . just ignore me.”

  He didn’t want to make a distressing situation worse by saying the wrong thing, so he continued pacing in an effort to collect his scattered thoughts. When he finally managed to look her in the eyes, he noticed her shoulders were slumped.

  “Based on the timing, it’s more likely that night we rolled the dice without condoms,” she reminded him, her soft voice dripping with guilt.

  Trip closed his eyes.

  He’d never before taken that risk, yet that night he’d let overwhelming desire defeat good sense. Not just desire. Need. He’d needed her comfort and kindness.
Was that how things had unfolded between his own parents?

  Did it matter? As he’d always feared, he was his father’s son.

  “I can’t believe I’ve made the same mistake as my dad.” He shook his head at no one in particular. “Exactly what I’ve always wanted to avoid.”

  “Mistake.” Her deadened tone alerted him that he’d stuck his big black boot in his mouth.

  Sighing, he gave in to a moment of self-pity. “You know my history.”

  Kelsey’s nostrils flared. “I don’t ever want this baby to feel like a mistake.”

  “You think I do? I’ve spent twenty-plus years trying to outrun those very feelings myself. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, least of all my own child.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “My own child. Three words I never imagined saying.” Was this really happening? “You’re sure about this? Did a doctor confirm it?”

  “I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, but two home pregnancy tests came back positive.” She smoothed her hair again while small red patches bloomed on her cheeks. “Look, Trip, this isn’t how I envisioned starting my family—unmarried and pregnant! But I won’t pretend I’m not glad one of my dreams is coming true. Still, I know this is your worst nightmare, so I don’t expect anything from you. I just thought I owed you the truth.”

  Her words stung like the snap of a wet towel against bare skin. Insulted, he bugged his eyes. “You think I’d ignore my child? That I’d let him hurt like I did? Not gonna happen as long as I’m walking this earth.”

  He blew out a breath and looked around Kelsey’s perfectly decorated condo—a nice home for a child, unlike his apartment. Her soft, caring heart much more suited to parenting than his flawed one.

  Hell. Before she’d gone to Mexico he’d botched his apology, and now he was making a hash out of this situation, too. “You must be sorry this kid is stuck with me as a dad, aren’t you?”

  Kelsey sniffled, her eyes filling with tears, her chin trembling.

  “Trust me, I’m no mother of the year. I’ve been drinking wine all month and just guzzled margaritas in Cabo before figuring out why I felt so sick.” Behind the wall of hair partially hiding her face, Trip saw tears trailing down her cheek. “I’ve probably already caused some kind of brain damage or something.”

  Instinctively, he stepped forward and wrapped her in a bear hug. “You haven’t damaged anything, princess. And no baby could ask for a better mother. You’re warm and sweet, yet tough and sassy. You’ll be a great mom. Everything will be fine.”

  He held her, his cheek resting on top of her head, and stroked her back. His entire sense of world order was crumbling around him, yet, in that moment, all he thought about was how he’d missed the curves of her body, the scent of her hair, her playful banter. He’d missed her. Now she nestled against his chest, calming his throbbing nerves, so he held on and just breathed in and out.

  If he had known, when he first propositioned her, where things would lead, would he have gone for it? Probably not. He’d always resisted the idea of being tied down and making commitments. Funny how, right now, holding on to Kelsey was the only thing keeping him from losing his mind. He wanted her, and not just for sex.

  “I’m so nervous.” Kelsey sniffled, wiping her tears against his shirt before snuggling tighter into his arms, seeking security, solace, or God knows what else. “Thinking about this baby and the future is scarier than I’d ever expected. So much to plan. So much to do. I don’t even know how to get started.”

  He kissed the top of her head, glad she seemed content to stay locked in his embrace. Yesterday he’d survived opening up to his father, so perhaps he could also open up to Kelsey.

  He groped for words, unable to articulate his thoughts and emotions, mostly because he hadn’t quite gotten ahold of them. Yet he knew that his child needed two parents, and that, while marriage wasn’t something he might ever want, he needed more from Kelsey than the occasional night together. “Maybe we start like this.”

  “Like what?” She eased out of his arms and wiped her final tear away.

  He swallowed hard, fighting to force words through his dry mouth. “Together.”

  Kelsey pressed her lips together and gazed at him. Once again, it seemed as if time stood still in the confines of her apartment. He could hear her breathing, see the cogs in her mind trying to work out his meaning.

  Her round eyes looked skeptical. “Together how?”

  “I know you never wanted people to know about us, but there’s no hiding from this now. So maybe we should try dating . . . like . . . you know, for real.”

  She appeared vaguely disappointed by his response. “I’m pregnant. I’m going to be hormonal and nesting and getting fat. Why would you want to start a relationship with me now, when you’ve never wanted to date anyone—ever?”

  “You mean, aside from the fact that we’re having a baby?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, discouraged by her question. Why did the girl who’d been longing for a relationship show so little enthusiasm for his suggestion? “Not long ago, we were good together. If we’re both being totally honest, our little no-strings bargain developed into something deeper, even if we didn’t admit it to each other because of doubts or egos.”

  “Considerable ego on your part,” she teased.

  “To match my considerable charm.” He winked, taking her little joke as a positive sign. “Come on. I already told you, I haven’t been with anyone since we got together. Let’s see if we can make this work. Don’t we owe it to junior to at least try?”

  “So you’re doing this for the baby,” she said, more like a statement than a question. Lowering her gaze, she smoothed one hand over her stomach.

  “Not just for the baby.” He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it, then covered it with his other hand. “I know you wanted the whole ball of wax in the right order—husband, house, kids—but that’s not how life played out. Forget about your fairy tales. Let’s take things at our own pace, one day at a time. What have you got to lose?”

  “Not the most romantic plea.” She cocked one brow and twisted her lips. He wished he could make the grand declarations she dreamed of, but he couldn’t be someone he wasn’t, or make promises he couldn’t keep.

  “But it’s honest.” He rested his hands on her waist, happy she let him touch her without pushing him away. Her nearness kept him grounded, enabled him to block out the panic blooming in the back of his mind. Like any other time he’d hurled his body off a cliff, he knew the only way to land safely was to own the move. “I really like you, Kels, which is more than I can say about any other woman I’ve been involved with in the past several years. I know I’m no Prince Charming, despite Fee’s opinion. I can’t promise I’ll be romantic or live up to your expectations or even be a great boyfriend. But I can promise I’ll always be honest, respectful, and will never abandon this child.”

  He held his breath, waiting for her answer. After several agonizing seconds, she draped her arms over his shoulders, a dash of color returning to her cheeks. “Okay, cowboy. But you still haven’t earned back your hat.”

  “Hmph.” He brushed his knuckles over her cheek and kissed her forehead. “So tell me, how did your family take the news? Should I be watching over my shoulder for your sister to come at me with a pitchfork?”

  “I haven’t told them yet.” She crinkled her nose and eased out of his arms. “I wanted to talk to you first so you didn’t hear it from anyone else.”

  “Something tells me you were grateful for the excuse to procrastinate.”

  Kelsey went to the sink to fill a glass of water. “My parents won’t be proud of me for getting pregnant before being married.”

  He didn’t miss the fact she’d mentioned marriage twice in this conversation. “Maybe you should wait a few weeks and see what happens. Lots of people don’t tell until later in case something goes wrong.”

  Kelsey shook her head. “Avery and Emma were with me when I put everything together. I can’t have them
know and not tell my own sister or parents. Besides, my family doesn’t keep secrets from each other. Everyone is in everyone’s business, and we like it that way. Makes us feel loved and cared about.”

  Trip couldn’t relate to that feeling at all. He momentarily wondered how his father would react to the irony of Trip’s new reality. Then he thought of his arrest. Kelsey’s family probably wished her well rid of him. He’d have to work hard to mend fences, starting now. “I’ll come with you to talk to them.”

  “No.” She set her empty glass on the counter. “They’ll prefer not to have to weigh their words in front of a stranger.”

  “That sounds like you expect a browbeating.” Trip rubbed his forehead to alleviate the dull headache that had settled behind his eyes. “I don’t like that idea. Let me come. I bet they’ll be less upset if we present a united front.”

  Kelsey shook her head. “I want to handle this on my own, although I am relieved to be able to say we’re doing this together.”

  “Okay.” Trip reached for her. Once he had her back in his arms again, he kissed her. Unlike at Maura’s house, she didn’t resist him when he cradled her jaw in his big hands. As he slipped his tongue past her warm, full lips, he realized this kiss differed from their others—powered less by lust, and laced with a bit of wonder.

  He steadied himself, remembering the seriousness of their conversation. “When do you plan to tell them?”

  She shrugged, sighing. “They’re expecting me in about thirty minutes.”

  Trip glanced out the window at the darkening sky. “Don’t walk over there now. Drive, okay?”

  “Oh, stop.” Kelsey waved him off. “I told you before, I’ve been making that trek for years on my own.”

  He placed his hand on her stomach and looked into her eyes. “But it’s not just you anymore. Now you have to protect the baby. You need to be safe.”

  She appeared almost as surprised as he was by his protective instinct, but at least he got his way. “Fine. I’ll drive.”

  By the time Kelsey arrived at her sister’s house, her parents were already seated at the dining table enjoying coffee and pie. Coffee, another beverage crossed off the menu for the next eight months. But apple pie? It was filled with fruit—practically a health food.