If You Only Knew (And Then Came Love Book 1)

by Preston, Sara

  Liza paced up and down the drive.

  Her mother came out and rested her hand on her shoulder. “Will you let me take you home?”

  “I don’t want to go home.”

  “Then come and stay with us tonight. We’ll bring you back in the morning or have one of your friends bring you back in the morning.” Sally pulled Liza into her arms.

  Liza’s lower lip quivered. “How could he do that to me, Mom?”

  She rubbed Liza’s back. “I don’t know. For what it’s worth, he’s still being read the riot act.”

  “By whom?”

  Her mother laughed out loud. “It’s a room for of women all of whom happen to like you — who’s not reading him the riot act?”

  Liza let out a deep breath. “I can’t be here.”

  Sally put her arm around her Liza’s shoulders and led her toward the car.

  *****

  November 4th

  Julian stared at Liza’s phone parked on his coffee table. He flipped his own phone between his fingers. It was off. Every time it rang it was another family member chewing him out for his behavior.

  He rubbed his forehead. No hangover this morning. It surprised him. Another bottle of whiskey through his system. He’d been drinking a lot. Too much.

  He blew out a deep breath, picked up Liza’s phone, and headed out the door. Time to man up and apologize. Gramps’ ring weighed heavy against his finger. He missed it when it was gone, but it didn’t belong on his hand any longer.

  *****

  Arriving at her apartment, Julian tried his key, but found it didn’t work. He rang the doorbell. No answer. Damn, she must be pissed if she had the locks changed.

  He headed out of the apartment building.

  Liza and Audrey climbed out of the vehicle and turned toward the apartment.

  He waited for them at the bottom of the steps.

  The laughter stopped when they saw him.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Liza shoved past him on her way up the steps.

  “I’m going to head home. I’ll call you later.” Audrey waved.

  “Bye, Aud.” Liza returned the wave and headed for the elevator.

  Julian followed behind her. “We need to talk.”

  “I believe you said more than enough yesterday.” Liza got on the elevator and pressed the close door button.

  Julian moved in the elevator before the door could shut. “You two go shopping?”

  “A real genius, aren’t you?”

  “If you needed something why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because I remember a conversation in which I left you.” The elevator doors opened and she headed toward her apartment. She leaned against the wall

  Julian glanced at the door. “Are we going in?” Was she really going to fight with him in the hallway?

  “Why don’t you try your key?” She folded her arms across her chest.

  “I already did. You changed the locks.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. He’d never seen her this mad before.

  Liza rested her hands on her belly. “Do you see my belly?”

  Julian raised his eyebrow then nodded. What was she getting at?

  “In case you’ve forgotten, I have a little girl growing right here. My baby is my priority, not you.”

  Her words cut through him like a knife. It was his baby too. “Our baby.”

  Liza pursed her lips. “It doesn’t matter what I feel for you. If you’re going to treat me like shit, I need to reprioritize my life. My daughter doesn’t need a father who can’t control himself.”

  A couple with two small children in tow strolled past them on their way to the elevator.

  “Can we go inside and talk about it, please?” He had no desire to air his dirty laundry to her entire apartment building.

  “Mommy, look how fat that lady is,” one of the boys said.

  “Come along, dear.” The mother gave Liza an apologetic glance.

  “And look, that man is in trouble.” The little boy nudged his brother “She looks like Mommy when we get a time out.”

  The other boy shook his head. “No kidding. When Mom gets that mad at Daddy there’s a lot more shouting.”

  Liza bit her lip trying not to laugh. She opened the door to her apartment and motioned Julian inside. She closed the door behind her and started to chuckle.

  “I want to hug those kids.” Julian closed the gap between them. “I’m so sorry about yesterday. You know how I get sometimes.”

  “Cut the crap. Quit using your disorder as an excuse. It doesn’t give you an excuse to be cruel, Julian. If you have racing thoughts or are concerned about something talk to me. How many times do I have to say that?” She rubbed her lower back. “Did you ever think about sharing those thoughts going through your head, rather than accusing?”

  “I’ve tried telling others about the thoughts, but it gets all jumbled and everyone takes it wrong.” Julian sat down on the couch.

  “You’ve never tried it with me. You lump me in with everyone else, instead of giving me a chance.” She joined him on the couch. “I love you, Julian, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I have a baby to think about. I don’t need another child.”

  “I’d never hurt the baby.” Julian turned his hand over on his leg, hoping she’d take it.

  She looked over at him. “How much did you have to drink last night?”

  “More than I should have.” Why did their conversations always have to come back to his drinking?

  “I haven’t pushed the issue, but you need to get that under control. I won’t let our daughter get berated by someone who drinks uncontrollably.”

  “Is that what I do? I my memory may be suspect in this case, but I don’t remember berating you.” Julian wracked his brain.

  “What the hell do you call it when you accuse me of having an affair with my uncle rather than use logic or voice it in a question. Think about it. If I were having an affair, and let me state emphatically, I’m not, but if I did, would I be so stupid to parade him around your family? Besides, he’s old enough to be my father. I won’t put my daughter through what I’ve been through.”

  “Wait, what do you mean what you went through?” Julian rested his hand on her back.

  Liza looked down at her hands. “My grandmother was a functional alcoholic. Every night at ten she pours herself a glass of brandy and starts drinking. Two drinks in you might want to run for the hills, because everything you do is wrong and it doesn’t matter who you are, you will get put down.”

  “I had no idea. How do you—”

  “Because over the years I’ve learned, as long as I’m not there when she starts drinking, I don’t have to deal with her drunken antics.” Liza scratched the back of her head. “This is the reason your drinking bothers me so much. Because I’m terrified you’re going to end up like my grandmother.”

  Julian hauled her into his arms. “I don’t want to be that person.”

  She tugged his arms off of her. “Then you need to get help.” She patted his leg. “Go home. I need some space. You pissed me off. I’m willing to forgive you, but not right now.”

  Julian let out a deep breath. “I love you, Liza.”

  “I know.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Go home.”

  Julian stood and walked to the door. She didn’t say she loved him. His heart clenched. Had he screwed this up enough she fell out of love with him?

  She waved at him. “Bye.”

  “Bye.” He lowered his head and left her apartment.

  *****

  November 5th

  Julian poured a drink when his phone rang the next day. It was Liza. Their talk had him craving his next drink even more. “Hey, babe.” He stared at the drink before dumping it down the sink. Baby steps.

  “I’m out of couple essentials, would you consider taking me grocery shopping?”

  “Of course. Anything you need.” Julian couldn’t believe how excited he was. She’d called him and d
idn’t sound mad. Glad he didn’t drink. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

  *****

  By the time they entered the third aisle Julian was done. The craving for the first drink of the day weighed heavy on his chest. He wanted it . . . no, he needed it drink. Sweat beaded on his forehead and he wiped it with his shirt sleeve.

  “Are you okay?” Liza placed a hand on his shoulder.

  Julian nodded. Their conversation from yesterday raced through his mind. If he took a drink now she’d hate him. No way would she stay with him if he continued his path with alcohol.

  When she gave the ring back it broke him. His heart raced. There was nothing keeping her with him now. She could leave at any moment. His breaths came in gasps.

  Liza took his hand and squeezed. “Julian.”

  He met her gaze, yanked his card out of his wallet and handed it to her. “I need to go to the car.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “No.”

  “Go, I’ll be done here soon.”

  He caught her by the shoulders and hauled her into his arms. He didn’t want to let her go. And yet that’s what he was about to do. The thought of her leaving was more than he could take. The only way to save his own heart was to leave her. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, what’s wrong?”

  “Just know I love you.” He turned and headed out to the car. His mind raced and his heart clenched. Maybe, if he let this stew for a couple days he could get out of this funk and try to make their relationship work, but he doubted it.

  *****

  A knock on the window woke him a little while later. He stepped out of the car to help Liza with the bags.

  “Some of this stuff is baby stuff. Can I leave it at your place? Mine is full from the baby shower.” Liza put the last few bags in the truck and closed it.

  “Sure. Just leave them at the door, I’ll get them later.” He pushed the cart to the corral and then got in the car.

  Liza came around to the driver’s side and got in. She peered over at him. “Did you want to hang out today?”

  “I’m having another episode and rather than risk saying something I don’t mean, I think it’s best if I go home.” He stared across the parking lot. He couldn’t look at Liza.

  “How bad?”

  “Bad enough I don’t trust my mouth.” His voice sounded cold, even to him. “Did you want to stop by your place so I could help you with your groceries?”

  “No, there’s not that many, I can handle it.”

  Julian nodded and let the conversation drop. The rest of the ride home was done in silence.

  She pulled into the driveway.

  He climbed out of the car. “Which bags did you want to leave here?”

  “The two in the backseat.”

  “All right. I’ll take them in. He leaned across the seat and kissed her cheek. “I’ll catch you later.” He grabbed the bags and headed into the house.

  He placed the bags by the door and headed for the lab. Closing the door behind him, he leaned his head against it. He heard Liza come inside and call his name. He stood there until she left. He was an idiot and he knew it. He punched the door. “Fuck me.” He shook his hand and cursed again. He had to find a way to help himself.

  Opening the door, he headed for the kitchen. He yanked the bottle of whiskey out of the cabinet, opened it, and took a long drink. Catching sight of Liza’s car. She was crying, he could guarantee that. He almost went to her, but instead took another drink and headed downstairs. Locking himself away from the pain he was feeling. He’d have to work his way up to telling her they were through, if he could do it at all.

  *****

  November 6th

  Liza called Julian a couple times. No answer. She dropped onto the couch and tossed her phone on the couch next to her. He could be a complete asshole, but God how she loved him.

  The door to the apartment opened.

  Julian staggering through the door. His eyes were bloodshot. He stumbled toward her.

  “I hope you didn’t drive.” She went to him.

  He looked awful. His hair was mussed, in needed of a shave, and he reeked of alcohol. His knees buckled when he tried to take another step. Instead, he leaned against the doorway, staring at his feet. “Took a cab.”

  “Thank God.”

  “It’s over.” He looked anywhere but at her.

  “What is?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “This. You and me. Us.” He motioned to her and him. “I’ll send you money for the baby but I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.”

  “What are you talking about? Aren’t you even going to be around to see her?” She clenched her fists and set them against her hips.

  “No.” He still avoided her eyes. “I don’t want to be a part of your life . . . or hers.”

  His comment floored her. She stood there staring at him. She heard him wrong, right? “Excuse me?”

  “I said I don’t want to be. . .” He let the sentence trail off as he reached for the door handle. “Bye, Liza.”

  “If you walk out that door, we’re through, for good.” She bit back the tears threatening to overwhelm her. She had to do what was right for her baby and if it meant letting him go, she would. Maybe sometime in the future if he found the help he needed.

  “I’m sorry.” Julian mumbled as he walked out of the door and out of her life.

  Liza grabbed her phone off the coffee table and dialed Drew. Her call went to voicemail. “Call me, it’s urgent.” Then she tried Ava and Audrey. No one answered.

  She dropped the phone on the couch and sat down. Despite their fights and disagreements, her heart always told her he was the one for her. Had she spent the last eight months of her life in a lie? She took a deep breath and as she did it felt as if her heart shattered into a million pieces.

  Chapter Nineteen

  November 11th

  Pounding on the door woke Liza, early Sunday morning. She’d slept on the couch since Julian left, unable to sleep in her own bed because of the memories. She shoved on the arm of the couch in an attempt to make it to a sitting position. The pounding got louder.

  “Liza, if you don’t open the fucking door, I’m going to break it down.”

  Drew? She glanced at the clock. One nineteen in the morning. What in the hell was he doing here? “I’m coming.” She used the coffee table as a counterbalance to stand up and waddled over to the door.

  “What the fuck took you so long?” Drew forced his way past her into the apartment.

  “Screw you. You didn’t even bother to answer my calls or texts!” Liza rested her hands on her hips, the door wide open. “The only reason I opened this door is because you threatened to break it down. That big mouth of yours is going to get me kicked out of here. Now if you’re going to be an asshole like your brother you can leave.”

  Drew rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Sorry, Liza.” He looked down at the ground shuffling his feet. “What happened between you and Julian?”

  “Like you care? I’m not worth your time.” Liza turned away from him. Her fists clenched at her sides. She took a deep breath, trying to get her racing heart under control. Spinning around, she advanced on him, and jabbed a finger at him. “Now you show up here demanding my attention. Well, I’m done with men who can’t control themselves but feel the need to control me.”

  “So you left him?” Drew raised his hands in a gesture of surrender.

  “No, he showed up here drunker than Katie’s goat and told me it was over.” The baby kicked her hard in the ribcage. “Ouch!” She doubled over and stumbled toward the couch.

  Drew caught her and helped her sit down. “What’s the matter?”

  Liza rubbed the area below her rib cage, in an attempt to get the baby’s foot to move. “She tends to get agitated when I’m under stress.”

  “Fuck.” Drew stepped away from her. “I need to talk to you about Julian.”

  “No
, Drew. I’m done. Go home, I don’t want to hear it. Whatever excuse he’s using, I do not want to hear it.” Liza waved her hand.

  “He’s not making an excuse, Liza, he’s in the hospital.” Drew sat down in the chair next to the couch. He touched her shoulder.

  She looked up at him.

  His eyes filled with tears. “The doctors said it’s alcohol poisoning. They pumped his stomach and have him on IV fluids and vitamins to bring his blood sugar up. They’re monitoring him, but—” Drew wiped the tears from his eyes.

  Liza covered her mouth trying to control her own tears. She knew way too much about the topic to make light of it. “What are his chances?”

  “I don’t know. His blood alcohol level was .38.”

  Her hands trembled. “I should have pushed the issue. I should have called your Dad, Audrey, any—” she sobbed and buried her head in her hands.

  Drew’s arm came around her and he hugged her. “It’s not your fault, Liza. I should have answered your call on Tuesday or at least called you back. Would have saved a lot of headaches.”

  “And what was so important you couldn’t call me?”

  Drew opened his mouth, but closed it and shook his head.

  Liza held up her hand. It wasn’t the time. “I need to see him?” Liza whispered. Her heart ached. She didn’t want to see him in his condition, but she had to.

  “He looks like hell.” Drew let out a heavy sigh.

  “Please.”

  “Let’s go.”

  *****

  Liza stood outside the hospital room moving her pendent across its chain. She reached for the door handle, but then yanked it away. Drew stayed in the waiting room, she wished he’d have come with her.

  She stared down. Her belly blocked her view of her feet. She couldn’t get her feet to move, it was as if they were frozen to the floor. Willing them to take a step didn’t work either.

  The door opened, she pressed her eyes closed, refusing to look up. She knew it was someone in his family.

  Strong arms hauled her into a bear hug. “We’ll get through this.” Everett’s voice soothed.

  “I don’t think so.” She wiped at her eyes. “The last thing he said to me was he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby.”