by E. L. Todd
I looked at the paper and realized it was a write-up for a lap report. I’d have to bullshit everything, from the data to the instructions, and hope for the best. “I can do this.”
“Are you sure?”
“I liked science.”
“Really?” Her head automatically cocked to the side.
I tried not to take offense. “Why is that surprising?”
“I don’t know…you just don’t strike me as the academic type.”
“Well, I liked ever major besides math. That’s never interested me. It doesn’t possess any soul.”
“I know what you mean.”
“But everything else is cool. My favorite class I ever took was philosophy.”
She spun a pen in her fingertips as she stared at me. “Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess I like the fact there’s endless possibilities to any given question. And everything is subjective. Depending on how the view holder sees something, anything is possible. It was the course that made me realize I can be as happy as I choose. I just have to choose it.”
She stopped spinning the pen and just stared at me.
I held her gaze, feeling my heart speed up automatically. Her blue eyes were almost scenic, two paths down a forest road. Her eyes shifted slightly depending on her emotion, and I was beginning to understand her reactions to certain stimuli. The night we slept together was permanently ingrained in my mind but I was beginning to see her as a different person, a different woman than the one I’d already been with.
She didn’t withdraw her gaze, still watching me like she was searching for something.
I wanted to save face and wait for her to look away first but I was struggling. Those eyes were getting to me, making my body burn from inexplicable heat. I swallowed the lump in my throat because the intensity was becoming too much. I clenched my toes in my shoes, needing something to do that she couldn’t see. Seeing her look into my eyes was turning me on in a way I could never explain. It was the kind of intimacy I’d never had with a woman. It was stronger than anything else I’d ever felt. My entire body burned for her desperately. My jeans tightened around my crotch to the point where they were uncomfortable. Now I couldn’t even remember what we were talking about.
She broke the contact first. “I didn’t realize you had so many layers.”
“I’m a lot more than what I project.”
“Why is that?”
I didn’t like to be serious as much as possible. Whenever I dealt with my emotions head-on they crippled me. After all this time I still hadn’t forgiven my father for the cowardice way he left Francesca and I. Just because he was dead didn’t make him a saint. He would always be a pussy in my eyes. I was angry then and I was angry now. “It’s easier to be as emotionless as possible.”
“Without emotions what’s the point?”
“It’s a lot easier, if you ask me.” I looked away from her gaze and flipped through the lap report.
“Because of your father?” The second she said it she regretted it. The hesitance was loud in her voice, like she knew she crossed a line but chose to do it anyway.
I slowly turned my eyes back to her. “I’m guessing Francesca has already told you every little detail.”
“Actually, she doesn’t talk about it much. She told me what happened but…she didn’t go into the specifics.”
“I was the one who found him. Let’s just leave it at that.” It was hard for me to talk about, and I knew deep down inside it was because I feared I was just like him. One day I would become a coward just like him, unable to handle the stress of life. Maybe I wouldn’t kill myself but I’d let my family down in some way, just the way I let Francesca down.
“I’m sorry that happened to you. I can’t even imagine…” The apology seemed sincere even though she had no reason to apologize.
“Thanks.” I refused to look at her, feeling uncomfortable by her stare. Something formed between us but I couldn’t describe what it was. She wasn’t just my sister’s roommate anymore. But she wasn’t my friend either. All I knew was, we were on a different level now. The intimacy was arousing but also frightening. I’d never had a connection with anyone like that before.
And I wasn’t sure if I wanted it.
I changed the subject before we went any further down this road. “What’s your family like?” Francesca mentioned them in passing but I didn’t know anything real about them.
“My mom and dad live by the beach. Mom is a nurse and Dad is a realtor.”
“Cool. Siblings?”
“I have a sister—Jessie.”
“Is she older than you? Younger than you?”
“She’s younger than me. She just started college, actually.”
They were exactly the years apart as Francesca and I. I never knew that. On paper it sounded like she had a pretty normal family life. I hated to admit it, but I was a little jealous. I loved Yaya and she was a great guardian, but she would never be my mother. “That’s nice.”
“She’s the ‘pretty’ one. I’m the smart one.”
I laughed because her words were absolutely ridiculous.
She froze and stared at me, clearly not seeing the humor in my words. “What?”
“She’s the pretty one?” I’d seen a lot of beautiful women in my life, brunettes, blondes, redheads…you name it. I’ve been with every size and shape out there. I had a good understanding of beautiful. “Marie, if she’s ‘prettier’ than you then she wouldn’t be real.”
“Excuse me?”
“I just don’t believe your sister could possibly be considered the pretty one, no offense.”
“Well, she is.”
“Yeah right. You’re the hottest chick I’ve ever—” I shut my mouth once I realized my foot was inside. But the damage had already been done and I couldn’t go back on what I said. So, I just rolled with it. “Been with.”
Instead of taking that as a compliment she seemed hurt. When she turned back to her computer she didn’t look back at me again. She put on her headphones and listened to music as she got to work.
What just happened?
Escape
Marie
I didn’t know why it bothered me so much.
It just did.
My entire high school career, I took every opportunity to get Axel to notice me. I was at Francesca’s house every chance I got, and I did my best to look cute. But no matter how I did my hair or batted my eyelashes he was totally immune to me.
After I started working out, hitting the weights every single day, did my womanly figure come in. I toned my ass and thighs, and I sculpted my hourglass figure. My legs didn’t get longer but I toned them as much as possible, giving the illusion they were longer than they really were.
After all that hard work, he noticed me.
I was still the same girl, sweet and funny. I still had the same laugh and personality. But that didn’t mean anything to him.
Only when I grew into my figure did he care.
I was beginning to realize that Axel wasn’t just a crush from the past. There was something more there, a connection more powerful than a simple physical attraction. Somehow, as crazy as it sounded, I think I loved him at one point.
Why else would I be so insulted?
A night of passion was absolutely everything I could have asked for. I enjoyed every moment of it, living out a fantasy I never thought I could have. Walking away without any heartbreak seemed easy at the time, but I was clearly wrong. I wanted him to want me in the way I wanted him all those years ago—to actually care about me.
It was wrong to hold it against him when he had no idea what I was thinking but I couldn’t contain my disappointment. As soon as he got what he wanted from me he returned to viewing me as a meaningless conquest.
I shouldn’t let it bother me.
And I wasn’t going to.
***
Cade texted me. Can I buy you a drink?
I’d forgotten about Cade in light of Hawke and F
rancesca. While I felt obligated to stay home and keep an eye on her, I knew I couldn’t stop living my life because of it. Besides, Axel would be there to make sure she didn’t do anything stupid. Yes. Several, please.
LOL. Now we’re talking.
You free tonight?
Free as a bird.
Great. Pick me up at seven.
Bossy. I like it.
I didn’t know if I should tell Francesca I had a date tonight. It might make her think of Hawke and all the times he used to come by. But I didn’t want to lie about it either. She would see right through that eventually.
I showered and got ready, putting on a black cocktail dress with silver heels. I put on the diamond earrings my father got me and borrowed one of Francesca’s clutches. I knew she wouldn’t care.
When it was almost seven there was a knock on the door.
I walked into Francesca’s room and saw her lying there, like usual. “Hey. I’m going out for the night.”
“Okay.” She was disinterested, like always.
“Remember Cade? He’s taking me out for a drink.”
“Cool,” she whispered. “Have fun.”
How long would she stay like this? It’d already been a month and she was still lifeless. I hated seeing my friend this way. She always had such a backbone, but when she met her match she crumbled like a pile of bricks. “Well, I’ll see you when I get home.”
She stared at the ceiling.
I shut the door behind me then walked down the hallway, feeling down. Now I wasn’t excited for the date. What I really wanted to do was fix my best friend. I wanted to wipe her memory clean of Hawke. She was so happy when they got together, but she was also happy before he came around. I missed that person.
I opened the door and expected to come face-to-face with Cade. It was ten till seven so he was probably picking me up for our date.
But it was Axel.
He held up a lab report and was about to say something until he saw me. He looked me up and down, eyeing me in my cocktail dress. His eyes were frozen in place and he forgot to shut his mouth. “Uh…wow.”
I felt warm at the compliment but insulted at the same time. All he saw was my figure but not the girl underneath. I needed to stop expecting him to notice me as a person rather than a woman, but that was obviously never going to happen. “Is that the lab report?”
“Oh yeah.” He held it out to me. “I got a B. Can you believe it?”
I took the papers and flipped through them. “No, actually.”
“The professor must have been busy and just flew through them without paying much attention.”
“I’ll say…”
“Looks like Francesca is going to graduate college after all.” Axel walked inside and shut the door behind him. “I’ll just have to stay on top of her assignments.”
“What about exams?”
He set his satchel on the dining table. “That…I don’t know. I’m going to have to force her to go. If she fails every exam she should still get a C because all of her work is being submitted.”
I still couldn’t believe this was happening. She was so devastated over Hawke that she lost her job, and if it weren’t for us, she would have flunked out of college. “She’s lucky to have us.”
“I know.” He pulled out his laptop and sat down. “I haven’t had any time to do anything besides work and schoolwork, but I know she would do it for me.”
“Yeah, she would.”
He eyed me in my dress again. “So, you going somewhere tonight—”
The doorbell rang.
“Excuse me.” I opened the door and saw Cade on the other side. “Hey, right on time.”
“Wouldn’t be late for this.” He eyed my dress with appreciation. “You look…awesome.”
“Awesome?”
“It’s a fitting compliment.”
“Just let me grab my clutch.” I walked back to the dining table and snatched it.
Axel stared at me with a new expression. His playful attitude had disappeared and now he seemed morose. His fingertips touched his lap report but with a weak grip. “You have a date tonight…?”
Now that he asked me face-to-face my answer was difficult to give. I thought I could detect the disappointment in his voice, the sadness. But that could just be wishful thinking. “Yeah.”
“Oh…” He fidgeted with the papers.
I stood there awkwardly, expecting him to say something else. When the silence lingered I thought I should say something but I couldn’t think of anything.
“Well…have a good time.” He cleared his throat and turned his gaze to his assignment and studied it like he’d never looked at it before.
“Good night.” I turned back to the doorway, my heels clanking against the hardwood floor.
Axel didn’t say anything back.
Cade was waiting on the doorstep, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. A black leather jacket covered most of his build from view. “Ready to go, beautiful?”
“Yeah.” I shut the door behind me and wondered if Axel heard that last comment.
***
Cade and I had a great time.
We went to a sports bar and ordered greasy food with tons of beer. We made small talk about school and sports. Cade was getting his degree in business with a concentration in sports management. His dream was to be a sports agent.
I told him about my dream to be a writer, and he seemed interested. A few hours went by until we were both stuffed and couldn’t eat anymore. We got into his truck and headed back to my place.
Despite how well the night went, I couldn’t stop thinking about Axel. Did it bother him that I was on a date? Or was I seeing stuff that wasn’t really there? He’d probably been with tons of girls since we slept together, so I doubted I was on his mind in any capacity.
Cade jerked the wheel a few times on the way home, and when he rounded the corner and he almost hit the curb I started to be concerned. “Cade, are you alright?”
He stopped in front of my place and killed the engine. He had a sleepy look in his eyes, like he was halfway in dreamland. “You know…I think I had too much to drink. It kicked in on the way home.”
At least he acknowledged it before he drove back to his place.
“I know this is a terrible way to end our date but would you mind dropping me off? You can keep my truck and I’ll come back and get it tomorrow.”
That was a lot of unnecessary work. “Why don’t you just sleep here and drive home in the morning?”
He turned to me with a lazy grin. “There’s no way I’m saying no to that.”
“I’m inviting you to sleep—nothing else.” I wasn’t sleeping with a drunk guy. I definitely wouldn’t be satisfied by the time we were done, and he’d probably fall asleep on top of me.
He shrugged. “Whatever. Sharing a bed with a beautiful woman still sounds awesome to me.”
“Then let’s go.” I hopped out of the truck and noticed Axel’s truck in the driveway. I was hoping he already went home but that was wishful thinking. He probably wouldn’t leave until I returned from my date to look after Francesca.
I got the door unlocked and we walked inside.
Axel and Francesca were sitting on the couch.
“Hey.” I tossed my purse on the counter.
Francesca hardly waved.
Axel was the only one who turned around. He clearly expected me to be alone because his face fell when he realized Cade was with me. “Hey…”
“We’re going to bed. Good night.” I walked down the hall with Cade close behind me.
“I’m Cade, by the way.” He waved to Axel and Francesca before he followed me. “Nice to meet you.”
We got into my bedroom and I changed into my pajamas in the closet. When I came back to bed he was already stripped down to his boxers. He had a nice body compacted with muscle. But it didn’t compare to Axel, not that I should be comparing.
“I normally sleep in the nude,” he said. “So, you’re getting an upgr
ade.” He lay in my bed then closed his eyes like he couldn’t keep them open for a moment longer.
I got on my side of the bed then set an alarm. My legs touched his under the sheets but that was all the affection we shared. The TV from the living room reached my ears and I could hear it distantly playing. Axel and Francesca didn’t speak at all, which made me sad. Axel was pretty much alone because Francesca was a warm body beside him.
“I’m sorry I drank too much…”
“It’s okay.”
“Next time, I’ll be totally sober.”
“But will you be as much fun?” I teased.
He chuckled. “Probably not. But I’ll kiss you goodnight.”
“Alright. We’ll see.” I closed my eyes and felt my body drift away.
Cade turned over and spooned me from behind. “This is okay, right?”
“You aren’t quite as good as my teddy bear but I’ll take it.”
He chuckled into my ear. “Then I’ll keep practicing.”
Beach Day
Axel
I carried the groceries into the house and stored them in the cabinets and the refrigerator. Francesca didn’t eat much, only when I threatened to break her neck when she refused, but most of the food was for Marie and I since we ate like normal people.
I bought the things that Francesca loved to eat, including lots of baking ingredients. She never seemed happier unless she was making a new creation. Maybe having these things lying around would inspire her to get back into the kitchen.
The front door opened and Marie walked inside. Her bag was over her shoulder, and she wore skin-tight jeans with brown-heeled boots. She wore a white cardigan, looking like a winter snowflake.
Anytime she walked into the room my eyes roamed over her figure. I’ve had her once before but now it seemed like a lifetime ago. And she seemed like a different person—in my eyes. Whenever she was near me I could feel the static in the air, like our presence in each other’s space manipulated the world around us. When I moved, she registered it. And when she took a step I was completely aware of it.
She set her bag down. “Hey. Got some good stuff?”
“Stuff that Francesca won’t eat.” I put the milk in the refrigerator then grabbed a carton of almond creamer. “I got vanilla flavor. Is that okay?” I spotted the empty carton before I left the store. I knew Francesca wouldn’t be caught dead drinking almond milk so it had to be Marie’s.