by E. L. Todd
“Muh.”
I wanted to rip her head off. “Do you have any idea how pathetic you are?”
She stayed silent.
“I’ve never been more disappointed in you in my life.” I shut the door and walked back into the kitchen.
Marie had just unpacked her laptop and notebook. She stared at me coldly, judging me for the harsh things I just said. “I know she needs to get off her ass but stop talking to her like that.”
“I can say whatever the hell I want.” We were talking about Francesca but it felt like we were talking about something else.
She tossed her bag on the table then stared at me with one arm on her hip. “You’re an insensitive jerk.”
“You’re a whore.”
Her eyes widened to the size of tennis balls. The fire burned across her face and she was about to explode. She gave me the fiercest look I’d ever seen in my life.
But I didn’t need to see it to know what I said was unforgiveable. “I’m sorry. I take that back.”
She still seethed quietly, her anger palpable.
“I didn’t mean it.” I lost my temper and did something idiotic. I insulted someone I respected more than anyone else. Whatever feelings I was experiencing…I wasn’t handling them very well.
“How was your date?” she sneered. “I mean, friendly fucking?”
“It was great. Thanks for asking.” I didn’t sleep with anyone but I did kiss someone. But I let the lie continue, not wanting her to understand how I felt about her.
She shook her head and looked down. “I feel so stupid…” Her voice was hardly coherent because she was speaking to herself, not me.
“Sorry?”
“Nothing.” She sat down and opened her laptop, dismissing the conversation.
“No. Tell me.” I stepped closer to her, needing to know what she said. Somehow, I knew it was important.
She started her computer then looked up at me, giving me a look of sheer disappointment. “For some inexplicable reason I thought there might be something between us. I can’t explain why. We’ve never talked about it but it didn’t seem like we needed to. I felt guilty for seeing Cade knowing it wasn’t going to go anywhere so I broke it off that night.”
She dumped him?
“But if I’d known you were screwing around and had no problem calling me a whore, then I might have done otherwise.” She pressed her lips tightly together and shook her head. Then she turned her gaze to the computer screen and ignored me. “It was a stupid decision…”
I was frozen in place, unable to believe what I just heard. “If you broke it off with him why did you kiss him?”
“A kiss goodbye. It was innocent.”
Now I hated myself for flipping out. I stormed off that night without turning back. And then I made out with that chick in the bar… “I overreacted that night. I’m not even sure what happened. I just…snapped.”
Her eyes were glued to her computer.
“I lied about having a date. I just said that because I was pissed off.”
She slowly turned her gaze back to me.
I omitted the part about the girl. If she kissed Cade that same night then we were even. There wasn’t any point in bringing it up. It wasn’t like I slept with her. “I don’t know what’s going on between us either. But I know what you’re talking about…I’ve noticed it.”
Now her eyes were glued to mine.
I watched her and hoped she would say something.
She didn’t.
I pulled out the chair then sat beside her, wanting to be close to her. She wore make up so the tiny freckles I once noticed were gone. Her eyes were still the same, lively and green. I was standing on a precipice of fear. I didn’t know which way I wanted to sway, if I wanted to sway at all. I’d always assumed I’d settle down with a girl if I found the right one, but now that was a possibility I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Could I really handle a relationship? Would I just screw it up?
“I liked Cade but when you started coming around…I thought about him less.” She shut her laptop, and when it closed it made a quiet clicking noise. “Anytime I was with him I thought about you. It got to the point where I felt deceitful. Cade and I were never serious but I felt terrible for leading him on.”
Never serious? “You sleep with guys and still don’t think it’s serious?” My jealousy got to me again and I wished I could control it. I didn’t even have a right to be jealous. “I’m sorry…I take that back too.”
“So, you can sleep around but I can’t? That makes me a whore and it has no barring on your reputation?” She shook her head slightly. “I’m not into bigots and I didn’t realize you were one of them.”
This conversation was taking another nosedive. “That’s not what I said, and it’s certainly not what I meant. When you brought Cade here a few months ago…it bothered me. That’s all.”
Marie narrowed her eyes on my face as she processed what I said. Her eyebrows relaxed when she realized something. “I never slept with Cade. He spent the night one time because he was too drunk to drive home. That’s all.”
Choir music began to play in my head.
“At the time I didn’t think you cared either way.”
“I didn’t think I did either.”
She eyed the table between us, her hands resting on her laptop. She cleared her throat then released a quiet sigh.
I stared at her and tried to think of the next thing to say.
She looked up at me, her green eyes intoxicating. They pulled me in time and time again.
I wasn’t sure where we went from here.
“So…now what?”
“I don’t know.” I’d been battling my feelings for a long time. Every time I tried to convince myself my feelings for Marie were platonic I failed. Even when I tried to stop myself, I still noticed the curve of her lips and the softness of her hair. Details that I always considered irrelevant were somehow vital to my survival.
She stared at her fingers before she returned her gaze to me. “Well…maybe we should go out.”
I wanted to take her out on a date. I’d wine and dine her and walk her to her doorstep. That seemed easy to go. When I thought about everything else a date would entail it made me antsy. I’d already slept with her but now it was different. That was a lifetime ago and she was a different woman. Now I couldn’t wait to kiss those lips slowly, to treasure the way they felt against my mouth. I wanted to cherish her naked body and take my time. I wanted to really feel her, not rush through it to the finish line. I didn’t want to fuck. I wanted to make love. And I wanted it so much it hurt sometimes.
But then I thought about everything else that entailed. She was my sister’s best friend. If it didn’t work out between us, and knowing me it wouldn’t, it would affect their friendship. It would affect my relationship with Francesca. It had the capability of destroying everything around us. Marie was the definition of a real woman, and I was afraid I wasn’t man enough to handle her. What if I became a coward and deserted her when she needed me most? Francesca already strayed down that path and she was the stronger one of the two of us. Would I succumb when things got difficult? Was I just as pathetic as my own father?
Marie kept staring at me, waiting for a response.
My mind flooded with thoughts and doubts. I liked Marie—a lot. But I wasn’t sure if I could give her everything she wanted. Fidelity wasn’t an issue. I hadn’t been with anyone since we started spending time together. But there was so much more to a relationship and I knew I was lacking in every department. “I don’t think that’s a good idea…”
Marie tried to hide the hurt on her face but it was impossible. Her eyes crinkled in sadness, like I just said the worst thing imaginable. Her reaction was slow, as if she thought she misheard me. When she looked down and avoided my look altogether I knew she’d been struck harshly.
“I really like you, Marie. That’s not the problem.”
“You enjoy your freedom too much?” She turned back
to her laptop and opened it, dismissing the conversation.
“No, not at all.” When Hawke pointed out I’d been faithful to a woman I wasn’t even seeing it freaked me out. “You’re Francesca’s best friend and I’m her brother. If things get messy…it could affect all three of us.”
She nodded in understanding. “I guess you’re right.”
“If it doesn’t work out…we could have more problems. And honestly, I don’t know anything about relationships. More than likely, I’d just screw ours up. Then it would be awkward forever.”
“I guess it’s just as well.” Her voice changed, coming out stronger. “Our situation isn’t exactly what I’m looking for anyway.”
Her meaning was lost on me. “What do you mean?”
“I noticed you in high school, and I didn’t just think you were cute. I loved the fact you were funny and loyal to your friends. I loved the fact you picked on your sister but had her back at the same time. When your parents passed away, you took care of Francesca. There are so many qualities about you that I admire. But you only noticed me when I grew up and found my shape. You only noticed me when I became one of the pretty girls. Physical attraction is important, but you never noticed everything on the inside, the stuff that really matters. And even now you’re still shallow.” She looked at me again, this time her face emotionless. “I think you’re right. This would never work.”
A building collapsed on top of me and knocked the air out of my lungs. Her words broke me, killed me from the inside out. I never stopped to consider any of that, that I might he shallow and empty. “That’s not how I feel…”
“I know,” she said. “But that’s what happened. And the fact you don’t want to start up something now…just confirms you don’t feel the same emotional connection I do. All you feel is the physical attraction, the hum in the air. You don’t notice anything beneath the surface. And that’s fine, Axel. I’m not judging you for it. But I agree that a relationship between us would never work. Neither one of us would ever be happy.”
My shoulders slouched and I felt sick.
She opened her bag and took out her homework. Some of it was hers and some of it was Francesca’s. “Let’s just go back to what we were before—friends.” When she didn’t look at me again I knew the conversation was over.
I wanted to say something, do something to change her opinion of me. But I realized there was nothing I could do to change anything—because she was right.
Friendship
Marie
The physical therapist helped me move my arm, returning a sense of motion to it. We used light weights to build up strength, and he helped me stretch the tendons and return them to their previous vitality. Sometimes the actions hurt but they were necessary.
“You did a good job today.” The therapist gave me a friendly smile before he walked with me to the lobby. “Just take it easy and leave it on the sling. You can’t rush the healing part.”
“Thank you.” I signed out then walked to Axel, who was sitting in the lobby. He’d been helping me take care of errands since I still only had one arm.
He stood up, still wearing his work clothes. His collared shirt was blue, bringing out his eyes, and his tie was gray. “How was it?”
“It was okay. I’m stronger now but it still hurts.”
He eyed my shoulder like he could see through my shirt. “Don’t worry. It’ll get better.”
My biggest fear was never being able to use it the same. What if I always had a pain there? What if I tried to move my arm but it just made it worse? What if it was never the same?
Axel picked up on my unease. “These things take time. It’ll go back to normal eventually.” He walked out with me then opened the passenger door.
“Thanks.” I got inside then fastened my safety belt. Axel and I never brought up that conversation we had last week. I put myself out there and said I wanted something more, something meaningful, but he shot me down.
I was mortified.
Feeling rejected like that was brutal. I’d put myself out there a few times in the past and I recovered from the rejection, but this was different. Being with him was something I really wanted—something I thought he wanted too.
When he turned me down it reminded me of the truth, that Axel had never changed. Sometimes I imagined him as a different person. When we spent time together it seemed like he’d deepened, grew more layers underneath his aloof attitude. But now I realized I was only imagining it. Axel was exactly the same person as before, looking for a good time without any commitment. He didn’t change his ways when we became closer. I didn’t mean as much to him as he did to me.
I’d have to move on.
He took me home then walked with me inside.
I tried to act as normal as possible around him, to pretend that awkward conversation never happened at all. But our relationship never returned to what it used to be. I used to be at ease around him, to feel comfortable in his presence—even comforted by it. But now there was a wedge between us.
Axel checked on Francesca before he came back to me. “I think I’m going to take her to a therapist.”
She hadn’t improved in nearly two months and we were both starting to worry. Break ups were hard on lots of people, but this was a whole new level. “That’s not a bad idea.”
“I don’t know what else to do.” He sat at the kitchen table and stared out the window. “If I could knock this senseless behavior out of her I would.”
I took the seat beside him, sitting exactly as we did on that night we decided to go our separate ways. “Me too.”
“So, you think I should do it?” He turned his eyes away from the window and looked at me. “I found someone in Myrtle Beach. He specializes in this sort of thing.”
“Is it expensive?”
He shrugged. “If it’s necessary I don’t think the cost matters.”
I wasn’t sure what Axel’s financial situation was but I didn’t want him to blow his life savings on Francesca. “Maybe we can do one session and see how it goes.”
“Yeah,” he said in agreement. “Maybe if she talks to a professional she’ll open up a bit more.”
“It’s worth a shot.”
“Okay. I’ll make an appointment.” He left the chair then headed to the door. “I’ve got to run. I’ll see you later.”
“Alright.” I watched him go, wondering if he had a date or something. I shouldn’t care or even think about it. But I did care.
And I did think about it.
***
I got into bed beside Francesca and lay there.
She didn’t say a word. She didn’t even protest that I was in her bed.
“I miss you…” She was the one person I could talk to about everything. Right now, I wanted to talk about Axel. But since he was her brother I couldn’t say anything anyway. Maybe being with her would comfort me.
Francesca was quiet nearly a full minute. “I miss you too.”
“I want my friend back.”
“I’m still here, Marie. I know I’m not the same as I used to be but I’m still me…deep underneath.”
“When do you think you’ll be better?”
Francesca shrugged.
“Axel and I are taking you to a therapist.”
She immediately turned argumentative. “I don’t need a therapist.”
“Frankie, you’re doing this whether you like it or not. Axel and I have been through hell while you’ve been decomposing in here. You’re going to do this, not for you, but for us.”
When I worded it that way she couldn’t refuse. “Okay.”
I’d be surprised if she gave me any other response. “How’s your arm?”
“It’s getting better…”
“What’s new with you?” It was sad she had to ask these sorts of questions. She lived with me but she was never truly around.
“Nothing much. I stopped seeing Cade.”
“Why? I thought you liked him.”
“I did. But I
didn’t see it going anywhere…” Francesca wasn’t close to her brother but I doubt she wanted to listen to me talk about him in a romantic way. Maybe Axel was right. If we did date, it would be too weird.
“That’s too bad. You’ll find someone else.”
“I’m sure I will.” I’d just have to stop thinking about Axel to make that happen.
“I’m sure he’s with someone by now…” The sorrow in her voice was soul crushing.
I didn’t need to ask whom she was referring to. “Axel made it sound like he’s just as miserable.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s not with other people…”
I didn’t know what to say to make her feel better so I didn’t say anything at all.
Francesca closed her eyes and didn’t speak again.
I lay there with her to find comfort in her despair. I was sad as well, wishing I could be with the one man I couldn’t have.
***
We took Francesca to the office and watched her walk through the doors into the therapist’s office. Her clothes were loose on her, and she didn’t look like herself at all. If Hawke saw her now he may not recognize her.
When the doors shut we both took a seat and waited.
Axel rested his ankle on the opposite knee and drummed his fingers lightly. He couldn’t remain still when he was anxious. Anytime he was expecting serious news he twitched in one way or another. Sometimes, he shook his knee or tapped his foot.
“I’m sure the session will go well.” I rested my hand on his wrist and steadied his fingers. The usual jolt of emotion rushed through my body the second we came in contact. I noticed how warm his skin was. Flashbacks of that night we had together came into my mind, strong and powerful. That seemed like a lifetime ago, and it seemed like we were different people at the time.
His fingers stopped moving and he eyed my hand.
I pulled it away when I realized the touch had lingered for too long. I moved my hands to my lap and tried to pretend I didn’t feel anything.
He kept his hand there but stopped drumming. “I hope so.”
It was still awkward between us, and I was beginning to miss the friendship we once had. We used to have fun together, playing games or just talking. But now it was…stiff. “Are you seeing anyone?” I didn’t want to know the answer but I wanted to make a step toward normalcy. Someone had to do it.