by E. L. Todd
Axel turned my way, flinching at the question.
“I want to be friends again. You know, to be ourselves around each other. It’s been so strained and…I miss you.”
His eyes softened.
“I hate walking on eggshells around you. I want to go back to normal.”
“We never talked about our personal lives…”
“I know. But maybe we can start.” If we were never going to be romantic we may as well get used to seeing other people.
“Well…I’m not seeing anyone. I haven’t seen anyone since…” He fell quiet as he tried to recall it. “Shortly after we slept together.”
That was two months ago. He hadn’t been with anyone since then? Or recently?
He pulled his hand away from his knee and rubbed his chin. “How about you? Been on any dates lately?” He asked the question like he didn’t want the answer.
“No.” I hadn’t even been seeing my vibrator because I was too bummed.
He didn’t hide his relief at that statement.
“What have you been up to lately?”
“I’ve been working on a portfolio for one of my clients. He’s insanely rich—like stupid rich. He wants me to play with his money like a cheap toy. My boss has been micromanaging me about it.”
“Sounds stressful.”
“It can be. But I’m learning a lot, and that’s what’s important.”
“Where do you intend to go next?”
“I don’t know…I’d like to open up my own business someday. I’m not sure how that will work.”
“If you put your mind to it I’m sure you’ll succeed.”
“Maybe…”
We fell into a conversation that was tense in the beginning but slowly began to relax. Soon, we were chuckling again, falling back in line to what we once were. While I felt our friendship return I also felt my heart slip away. For whatever reason, my body yearned for his. I cared about him in a special way, a way I couldn’t explain with words. He wasn’t my soul mate or even someone I found compatible, but my feelings rang true nonetheless.
***
Axel drove and I sat in the passenger seat. Francesca sat in the rear, her gaze glued outside.
“So…how’d it go?” I decided to do the questioning because Axel was a little harsh.
“It was okay.” Francesca leaned her head against the window like she was trying not to fall asleep.
“What did you talk about?” It was unrealistic to expect Francesca to be fixed within an hour but I was hoping she had some progress.
“Just…stuff.” Francesca was quiet like a teenager, unwilling to yield any information.
Now I never wanted to have kids.
Axel glanced at me from the driver’s seat but held his silence.
“Did you like him?” I asked.
“He was nice,” Francesca answered. “Soft spoken and patient.”
“Will you go again?”
Francesca paused for nearly a minute. “If you want.”
“Do you feel like it’s helping?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Francesca said. “I don’t think anything can help. It’s just something I have to deal with on my own.”
Axel gripped the steering wheel. “But you aren’t—”
I rested my hand on his thigh and gave him a gentle squeeze.
Axel fell silent and didn’t make another outburst.
“I think you should keep seeing him,” I said calmly. “It’s always good to talk to someone.”
“I guess,” Francesca answered.
I looked out the passenger window and tried to figure out what our next move was. I didn’t have any experience with this type of emotional disturbance, but since Francesca was my best friend I’d do my best to figure it out.
***
After a few rounds of Monopoly Francesca went to bed. She didn’t say a word as she excused herself. She simply drifted into her bedroom and shut the door.
Axel threw everything in the box. The way he tossed all the money, houses, and pieces showed how irritated he was.
I pitied him. “Maybe you should take a step back and let me handle her.”
“It’s okay.” He tossed the game on the ground.
“I know you have other things to worry about.”
“I said it’s okay.” He sat beside me against the couch and rested his arms on his knees. “She’s my family—and we always stick together.”
I admired his commitment to his sister despite how crazy it drove him. It was hauntingly similar to what happened to his father, and I knew it was eating him away. “She’ll get better, Axel. I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“I can keep this one.”
He turned to me, his blue eyes surprisingly different from Francesca’s. He had a strong jaw like the men in those western movies, and he had the gentleness of a swan in his eyes. He possessed more contradictory traits than anyone I’d ever met. “I hope you’re right.” He grabbed his satchel beside the couch and opened it. “I got something for you.”
“For me?” Axel did enough for me as it was.
“Yeah.” He pulled out a handful of different color fabrics. They were an array of colors, from pink and blue to orange and red. “They are slings. I thought you could change them out depending on your wardrobe. You know, so it doesn’t stick out as much.” He handed them over.
I held them in my fingers and felt the soft fabric. “That was thoughtful…”
“I know you won’t be wearing it much longer but at least you’ll have some style.”
I stared at them in my lap before I turned back to him. Axel always did so many thoughtful things for me. Actually, I felt like he was more thoughtful to me than his own sister. He paid attention to my needs and attended to them without waiting for me to ask for it. He just did it on his own. “Thank you.”
“No problem. What color do you want to wear?”
I was wearing pink at the moment. “How about this one?” I held up the material that was similar to the one I was already wearing.
“Excellent choice.” He held my arm as he removed the fabric and replaced it with the new one. He adjusted the length so it was exactly perfect for me. He leaned close to me, admiring his handiwork as he adjusted it. His cologne was noticeable and it washed over me like a gentle tide. I was aware of how close his mouth was. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and I liked the hair on his chin. No matter what he did he looked handsome—in a painful way.
My heartbeat sped up on its own when he was near me. Anytime he touched me my entire body was on fire. I was terrified he would notice, realize how much his presence affected me. Never in my life had I felt this kind of chemistry. Even when we first slept together I didn’t feel it then. Everything was different now.
He perfected the sling then leaned back, but the look in his eyes was different. He was staring at me the way I was staring at him. Our heartbeats thudded together as one. I could feel the heat radiating from his body, almost burning me.
How could I keep doing this? How could I keep being his friend but feel something so much more?
He broke the contact then stared at the floor. “Well…it’s getting late.”
“Yeah.”
“I should get home and get some sleep.”
“Yeah, me too.”
He got up and grabbed his satchel from the floor. He was rushing to leave, trying to get away from me as quickly as possible. “Good night.”
“Good night.” I wanted him to leave as much as he did. If I got too close to him I’d do something stupid.
He walked out the front door without looking back. When he locked it from the outside I knew he was really gone and not coming back. With every step he took I wished he would return, come back to me.
But I knew that would never happen.
Shallow
Axel
I never forgot what Marie said to me.
I was shallow.
All I cared
about was a girl’s looks. She had to have the right hair, the perfect body, and she had to have an exquisite face. Without those things I would never pay attention to them.
It was true. And that fact hurt.
In high school Marie was a quiet, geeky girl. Whenever we were in the same room together she didn’t say a word. She was constantly nervous, practically terrified of me. There were a lot of reasons I didn’t notice her, but her practical invisibility was the biggest reason of all.
When I saw her again the first thing I noticed was her confidence. She walked into the room like she owned it, but she didn’t seem arrogant about it. There was a fine line there, but she never crossed it.
But I did notice her appearance. In fact, it was the first thing I commented on.
Was I really shallow? Did all I care about was a woman’s appearance?
The realization made me feel like shit. I didn’t deserve Marie and I would never deserve her. She should be with someone who noticed her perfections right from the beginning. Now I felt like a jerk for coming onto her only when she changed her clothes and did her hair differently.
I was totally an ass.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
When I was at work she came across my mind. When I went home, I was thinking about her too. I hardly went out because I had no interest in meeting women. All I ever wanted to do was be with her.
Damn, I was so confused.
If I was just into her looks why did I think about her all the time? Why did I wonder how she did on her photography test? Why did I constantly do stuff for her? Why did I notice the way her hair framed her face at any given time of day?
I didn’t have a clue.
***
I picked up a pizza on the way then walked inside. The TV was on in the living room but no one was watching it. Marie sat at the kitchen table working on homework, and Francesca was nowhere in sight—like usual. “Hey.”
She looked up from her laptop and took me in. “Hey.”
That old way of communicating was coming back. We said so much with just our eyes and nothing else. I could feel the pressure sitting at the top of my spine, constantly weighing me down. My entire body froze when I was around her, making me feel cold and hot at the same time. She did strange things to my insides, making them contort and behave in the most peculiar ways.
I set the box on the table and grabbed a few plates.
“Frankie already ate.”
“She did?” I couldn’t hide my surprise. Frankie never ate.
“I made her some macaroni and cheese.”
“And she ate it?” Anytime I tried to get anything down her throat it was another world war.
Marie nodded. “I think she’s coming around—slowly.”
“Halle-fucking-lujah.” I fell into the chair and pulled a few pieces onto my plate. It would be a relief not to look after her every single day. I didn’t mind helping her, but I hated the stress it placed on my shoulders. Never knowing if she would get better was the worst part.
“Yeah, it is a miracle.” She tapped her pencil against her notebook as she read through her notes.
I noticed her arm hung freely by her side, no longer in a cast. “Looking good.”
“Oh, thanks.” She looked up and moved her shoulder. “The therapist said I didn’t need it anymore.”
“I told you it would go back to normal.” I knew she was seriously worried about her shoulder, assuming it would never return to the way it used to be. Honestly, I was a little worried about it too, but thankfully that didn’t happen.
“Now I need to go buy a new car.”
“I can help with that. What are you thinking?”
“I don’t know…a Toyota or something.”
“Well, those are good cars. You can’t go wrong with that.”
“That’s what I’m thinking. And the resale value is high.”
“Are you planning on selling it in the future?” I moved onto my second piece.
“Well…my goal is to move to New York eventually. I probably won’t need a car at all.”
I nodded in understanding. “That makes sense.”
“So, I just need something reliable for now.”
“And practical.” I placed a slice on the plate and pushed it toward her. “Hungry?”
“Thanks.” She took a small bite before she set it down.
I rested my elbows on the table as I stared at her. Sometimes I got lost in her appearance. Whenever she was reading something her eyebrows narrowed. Sometimes they moved depending on what she was thinking or feeling. I noticed little things like that, even the slight rise of the corner of her mouth.
When she realized I was staring at her she looked up.
I quickly turned my gaze elsewhere so she wouldn’t know I was staring. “So…anything new with you?”
“I have a date later tonight. We’re going to the movies.”
I felt sick all over again. Somehow, I felt worse than I did when she was seeing Cade. The idea of her touching someone else, or even worse, letting him touch her was sickening. Now I couldn’t tell if it was jealousy or rage that worked inside me. “That’s great…”
“We met in the cafeteria. He was cute and nice so I decided to give him a chance.”
I grabbed another slice of pizza even though I wasn’t hungry.
“What about you?” she asked. “Have any dates lined up?”
Hell no. I wasn’t even looking. “No.”
She nodded then looked down at her laptop again.
I fell silent and seethed to myself. I couldn’t be with her but I couldn’t stand the idea of her being with anyone else. What was wrong with me? Did Marie mean more to me than I realized? I didn’t deserve her but I still didn’t want her to be with anyone else.
I didn’t get it.
“Axel?”
“Hmm?” I took a bite of my pizza because I realized all I’d been doing was staring at it.
“Are you okay?”
Am I okay? No. Why would I be okay? “I’m fine. I just remembered I left a folder at the office. But I’ll just have to get it tomorrow.” I finished my pizza then met her gaze.
She didn’t look sad at my response but she didn’t look happy either. “Okay.” She looked back down at her notes and wrote a few sentences.
When her gaze was averted I returned to suffering in silence.
***
At seven o’ clock her date picked her up.
Ugh.
Marie grabbed her jacket from the coat rack. “I’ll be back later.”
“I’m probably going to go home soon.” I didn’t want to be here when they got back. What if she invited him to stay over? What if I had to see them kiss on the doorstep?
“Okay.” She opened the front door and greeted the guy before they walked to his car at the curb.
I immediately ran to the window to get a peek through the blinds. He was tall, about my height, but he wasn’t built like I was. He didn’t possess the right muscle mass. And his car was old, like twenty years old. “What a loser…”
“What?”
I jumped nearly ten feet into the air when Francesca walked up behind me. “Shit, don’t do that.”
“What?” She opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. “What were you doing?”
“Nothing.” I walked away from the window and tried to pretend I wasn’t spying on Marie.
Francesca eyed me like she didn’t believe me, but instead of asking questions like she normally would she walked back into her room.
I sat at the kitchen table and listened to the sound of his car as they drove away. They were probably watching a stupid chick flick and sharing a bucket of popcorn together. Maybe he would buy her a box of Snow Caps, her favorite candy. Maybe they would have a great time and she would forget about me forever.
***
Three hours came and went and I didn’t move from my seat at the table. I sat in silence, not having the TV or my iPod for entertainment. Th
e pizza went cold but the box still sat on the counter. Marie’s things were still across from me. Her laptop was closed and her notebook was still open.
I should go home but I stayed in the same spot. When they came home I didn’t know what I expected to see. A part of me wanted to wait for her to walk inside and say the date went terrible. Another part of me wanted to be there so she wouldn’t invite him to spend the night. And another part of me stayed there because I didn’t know what else to do with myself.
Just when I was about to pull out my phone to check the time I heard voices.
“That was a cute movie.” Marie’s voice came through the door. “I’d watch it again.”
“My cousins saw Zootopia awhile ago,” the guy explained. “I thought it would be a cute movie for a date.”
“Well, you made a good call.”
I rolled my eyes because I already hated this guy.
“Well, good night.” Marie’s voice was a little more high-pitched than usual, like she was nervous.
“Good night.” The guy didn’t walk away because there were no footsteps.
He was about to kiss her. I knew it. Somehow, I could feel it in the air.
My hands formed fists and my knuckles turned white.
My heart rate wouldn’t slow down.
I wanted to scream.
Without thinking, I hopped out of the chair and stormed to the front door. Marie must have noticed my car in the driveway so she knew I was still at the house. No good would come of this but I wasn’t the most reasonable guy at the moment.
I opened the front door. “Hey. How was the movie?”
Her date had just leaned in to kiss her but quickly stepped back when he saw me.
Marie stared at me in complete bewilderment. “Uh…”
“Marie, you have to tell me all about it.” I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her inside. “But right now, Francesca needs our help. She’s had an episode…”
“Is she okay?” Marie immediately became concerned for her friend.
Now I felt bad for lying. “She’s fine. But we should go see her.” I turned to her date. “Sorry, Marie has to go. See ya.” I shut the door in his face and turned to her.