Luck of the Draw (Xanth)

by Piers Anthony

  “I see the castle,” Lucky said. “But I’m not sure where the real Dress is, or how to reach it.”

  Pose flickered. “It’s in the highest turret. A fairy queen is wearing it. There are guards galore. They’re not going to just hand it to anyone.”

  “Couldn’t you just take it and bring it back?” Anna asked. “Saving us a hassle?”

  “No. The moment I intruded, the castle’s magic alerts were triggered, and I had to get out of there immediately. I won’t be able to pop in there again. I will have to go physically. If I invoke any demonly effect, those activated defenses will nail me.”

  “The Demons are limiting us,” Piper said.

  “Then we need a plan of attack,” Arsenal said.

  “We do,” Bryce agreed. “But I wonder.”

  “Wonder?” Piper asked.

  “This is a Demon setup. That sudden castle can’t be real. It has to be an emulation. There must be a key.”

  “A key?”

  “The Demons aren’t interested in killing us,” Bryce said. “If all of us died, there would be no choices for the princess. Instead they want to challenge us to show our mettle. It’s bad for a Demon sponsor if any of us don’t turn out to be worthy, so we all must have an exactly even chance. It’s a game to them. Where I come from, Mundania, there are fantasy games that may seem real to the participants, but aren’t really. I suspect this could be similar. The guards probably are mock-ups, not real people. Any of us who get killed here probably won’t really die, just be ejected from the game. We should keep that in mind.”

  “You have an interesting mind,” Piper said.

  “But he has been right before,” Anna said. “I trust his judgment.”

  “So do I,” Arsenal said, surprisingly. “Our challenge may be threefold: first to survive the Quest, second to win a prize, third to have it chosen by the princess.” He faced Bryce. “So what should we be alert for?”

  “Surprises. Tricks. The unexpected. Brains may count more than muscle.” Bryce glanced at Arsenal. “No offense.”

  Arsenal laughed. “None taken. A true leader learns to utilize whatever is available, including luck and insight. We had best approach that castle cautiously.”

  Bryce was struck by a thought. “Would a nymph and nickelpedes be part of it?”

  Arsenal, Piper, and Pose focused on him, surprised. “We are already in the Challenge,” Piper said.

  “Nymph?” Anna asked.

  “A nymph came to me during my watch last night,” Bryce said. “She tried to distract me so that a swarm of nickelpedes could get at the rest of you while you slept. Fortunately I caught on in time, and trod on the first one, which discouraged the others.”

  “Fortunately,” Pose murmured, electing not to clarify that only Lucky, Anna, Mindy, and perhaps Piper had actually been asleep at the time.

  “They tried to take us out before we ever knew about the Dress!” Anna said, annoyed.

  “An apt strategic ploy,” Arsenal said. “But Bryce was alert, and spared us that mischief.”

  “We do need to support each other,” Anna agreed. “Lest we be taken out well before the finish.”

  “We need to approach the castle,” Arsenal said. “We can march there together, which has the risk of something like a roc bird spotting us and taking us out together. Or we can split up and infiltrate the forest separately, so there is no individual target. But that way we would be unable to help each other, and could take individual losses.”

  Anna looked at Lucky. “This is your Quest. Those nickelpedes were probably after you, while you were sleeping with your luck depleted. How long can you turn your luck on again?”

  “Maybe two hours, before it starts losing potency,” Lucky said.

  She turned to Arsenal. “How long should a campaign to get into the castle and get the Dress normally take?”

  Arsenal smiled. “Three hours, I suspect.”

  “So we need to speed it up, if we can. To get it under two hours.”

  “You may be a budding strategist,” Arsenal said. “What do you recommend?”

  “That Lucky turn on his luck now, and we hurry in a group to the castle, saving time on that part of it.” She smiled briefly. “If we’re lucky, the roc won’t spy us. Then consider speed as well as safety when we enter it. Lucky’s luck will protect us all, to an extent, since we are supporting him.”

  “So be it,” Arsenal said. “Lucky, get on it. Move out.”

  Lucky brought out his charm and focused.

  They walked swiftly toward the castle. There was a convenient path, which ordinarily would have been suspicious, but they trusted to the luck to nullify whatever threat it might have. They were utilizing what was available, as Arsenal had said.

  The first thing they passed was a pit filled with nickelpedes. But the nymph who guided them happened, purely by chance, to be distracted by a game of card solitaire. “I can’t get at that king!” she complained as she laid the cards down.

  “Eyes front!” Arsenal hissed, as more than one set of male eyes threatened to orient on the fetching aspects of the bare nymphly torso. Fortunately the nymph did not hear him.

  They passed on by. Bryce was disappointed not to have gotten a better look, but knew this was best. Had they paused, the nymph might well have looked up and spied several would-be kings to get at. Even so, they were lucky she wasn’t wearing bra or panties, which would have freaked them out regardless.

  Which was one of the interesting things about this magic land of Xanth, Bryce thought. Panties had magic that bare bottoms lacked. There was probably an interesting story there, could any man but fathom it without freaking out.

  Then they came to a region of oddly compressed rocks strewn all around. The explanation was soon apparent: a gross hairy ogre twelve feet tall was hunched over a bucket the size of a bathtub, squeezing reddish juice from stones. His giant muscles bulged horrendously with the effort, but the juice was flowing. “Best drink known, from palm-granite stone,” he muttered as he worked. When he squeezed one stone dry, he pried the squished remnant from his palm and picked up a fresh one. Luckily he was so intent on his effort that he never noticed the passing party.

  Farther along they passed a nest the size of a house, wherein snoozed a roc, a bird so big it could have picked up an elephant with one claw. Fortunately its sleep was deep enough so that their passage did not wake it.

  In fact without Lucky’s formidable luck, they never would have made it the length of this path. This was definitely Lucky’s Quest.

  They came to the castle. This was a towering structure, several times as tall as it was wide, with several lofty turrets. The highest one was well above the trees, perhaps ten stories up. It would be a challenge just climbing all the winding stairs to reach it.

  The castle was surrounded by a moat. Anna knelt and dipped a finger in the water. She yanked it back immediately as a little fish with big jaws snapped viciously. Piranhas or the equivalent. There would be no wading or swimming across this trench.

  “Maybe we can make a boat or raft,” Piper suggested.

  Then the moat monster appeared. A horrendously huge greenish snout rose from the water, girt by sharp horns and tusks. The thing could have taken their entire party in its mouth in one gulp, boat and all.

  “No boat,” Piper concluded.

  “Maybe a tunnel under the moat?” Anna suggested.

  “Why would they make a tunnel there?” Piper asked.

  “It would be an anomaly,” she agreed.

  Bryce saw the connection. Her talent was the anomaly. “Let’s circle the castle, looking for a tunnel. We can’t afford to dither long.”

  They walked around the castle. The moat monster watched them, but made no move. It was obviously waiting for them to try to cross.

  They completed the circle. There seemed to be no tunnel. There was a drawbridge, but it was locked in the upright position inside the moat; they could not use it.

  Lucky approached the monster�
��s snout, trusting in his luck not to get snapped up and chomped. “What do you say, serpent? Is there a tunnel?”

  The monster’s mouth opened so wide it seemed ready to swallow the sky. They could see all the way into its throat and beyond.

  “Obviously it is not answering,” Piper said.

  Then Bryce caught on. “Yes it is! You asked the right question, Lucky! That is the tunnel!”

  The others stared at him. “That’s more likely death by digestion,” Arsenal said.

  Bryce considered. “It could be both. Play it right, we get safely across the moat. Play it wrong, we get digested. Suppose we prop its mouth open so it can’t close and trap us inside?”

  “That I can do,” Arsenal said. He drew his sword, stepped into the monster’s mouth, and stood with the sword point lifted high. If the mouth closed, it would come down on the sharp point. The man certainly had courage.

  “Then let’s go,” Pose said, and stepped in, passing Arsenal.

  “I can’t actually participate in the Challenges,” Mindy said. “Not being a Suitor. I will wait here. Please do return, all of you.”

  “We’ll try,” Bryce said bravely, and stepped in.

  The others followed, though obviously nervous. Pose led the way down the throat, which now seemed like a red-lined tunnel. The monster could drown them by sinking into the water and letting it run down its open mouth, regardless of Arsenal. But it didn’t. It seemed they had found the right move.

  The far end exited to a pavement beside the foot of the castle. Bryce looked back, after they emerged, and saw that the opening looked exactly like an anus. Well, why not?

  Now they were up against a high blank wall, the outer rampart of the castle. Piper tapped a stone. “It’s solid. We can’t break it down. We may have to scale this wall to find one of the embrasures and climb in a portal.”

  “Scale with what?” Pose asked. “In an ordinary case, I would be able to assume the form of a ladder. But as I said, I will be canceled the moment I act like other than a mortal man.”

  “We could unravel our clothing,” Anna said. “Use the material to make a rope that we might climb.”

  “And that would take how many hours?” Piper asked.

  “Too many,” she agreed.

  Suddenly a gate they hadn’t seen before clanged open. Armed men charged out. “Uh-oh,” Piper said. “I can stop them, but you might not like the way I do it.”

  Bryce knew exactly what he meant. He would have to turn monster. It seemed better to save that for another time. “Anna,” Bryce said. “If you are willing—”

  “Don’t look,” she said. She drew down her jeans.

  The castle guardians charged up, and freaked out to a man. Something about panty magic made them keep their feet, but they were caught in all manner of awkward positions, staring.

  “Thanks,” Bryce said. “We’ll return for you.” Because she would not be able to accompany them; she had to remain to make sure every castle soldier remained freaked. It was her sacrifice for the cause.

  “Go!” she hissed. It was clear that she wasn’t pleased, but it was the weapon they needed at the moment.

  They went. They passed the soldiers and went to the open gate without looking back. They entered. They had breached the castle wall, through sheer luck of the circumstances. Now what?

  They followed the passage through the wall and into the castle proper. They emerged into a kind of drawing room. There were four excellently-garbed ladies sitting at a table, playing some kind of a board game. They looked up, startled, as the men entered.

  “Sound the alarm!” one exclaimed. “The castle has been breached!”

  That would be disaster. There were surely many more guards, and they now had no panties to freak them out.

  Piper stepped forward. “Ladies, allow me to entertain you. I am a musician.”

  “But—” the first lady said.

  Piper brought out his piccolo and put it to his mouth. He played a note. It was rapturously lovely. He moved on into an evocative tune. Bryce remembered how beautifully the man could play. The ladies were of course fascinated.

  Bryce touched Pose’s elbow, leading him away. Piper was serving as a distraction, using his music instead of his monster form, and that was surely for the best.

  They came to the central stairwell. A staircase spiraled up seemingly endlessly, surely leading to the highest turret. They gazed at it with dismay. That was where they wanted to go, but what a chore it would be to get there one step at a time! They could be ambushed at any of the intervening floors.

  In the center was a round column with a door. Bryce opened the door and saw a platform suspended by a stout rope. “A dumbwaiter!” he said. “They must use this to haul food and incidentals up to the top chamber, to save all that stair climbing.”

  “Too bad we can’t use it,” Pose said.

  “Maybe we can. These things can have counterweights suspended from a pulley so that even heavy objects can be lifted without undue effort.” He walked around to the back and spied another door. He opened it. There was a solid metal weight hanging from another rope. “The counterweight!” He pushed on it, and it dropped slightly. He went around to the other side. Sure enough, the platform had raised slightly.

  “We need to haul on the counterweight side, to raise the platform to the top,” Bryce said. “We can send Lucky right up there. It was fortunate we discovered this.”

  “Lucky’s luck guided us to it,” Pose said. “But I’m not sure he’s competent to go up alone. You had better go with him.”

  “I need to haul on this side,” Bryce said. “If we both do, we should readily lift Lucky up. The castle guards won’t suspect this ploy, so it should be safe.”

  “I will haul this side down,” Pose said. “I will cling to the weight and make myself heavy enough to haul the two of you up.”

  “You can do that? What of the castle alerts?”

  “I’ll be heading swiftly down way below. By the time they catch on, you should be up there.”

  “But they won’t treat you kindly when they do catch you.”

  “I’m a demon,” Pose reminded them. “What can they do to me other than confine me to a pentacle? Now get on that lift before we are discovered here.”

  Pose was doing an undemonly decent thing, sacrificing himself for the good of the spot mission. He would surely suffer for it. “Thanks,” Bryce said. He was coming to like Pose, also.

  “Okay, let’s get in there,” he told Lucky. “We’re riding to the top.”

  They climbed in. There was just room for them both, hunched into nearly fetal formation. “Ready!” Bryce called.

  The platform shivered. It shook. Then it started rising. Pose was on the counterweight and increasing his weight.

  They accelerated. They zoomed upward so fast the air seemed to thin. Floors zipped by.

  Then suddenly they stopped. Had something gone wrong? No, Bryce saw the pulley at the top. They were there.

  They scrambled out. They were in the single room of the topmost turret. Naturally the fairy queen was there, wearing the Dress.

  “Well, now,” she said.

  They looked at her. She was absolutely beautiful, of course, as any woman in the Dress would be, but on her the effect was verging on devastating. She had flaming red hair that swirled down to her excruciatingly narrow waist. Her figure put Bryce in mind of the hourglass he had used for timing the night, only better proportioned. Her legs and feet below the skirt were perfectly shaped. Her face was so lovely that to gaze on it more than half a moment was to commence the fall into love.

  “Don’t look at her!” Bryce said, tearing his eyes away though it felt as though he were peeling the lenses off them. “Just get the Dress!”

  “But she’s so pretty,” Lucky protested.

  He was farther gone than Bryce. The Dress made the queen’s every wish compelling. In a moment she would have them both in her thrall. She would surely be merciless in dealing with them.
This would never do.

  Bryce launched himself at the queen. She stepped back, but he managed to tackle her knees. “Get the Dress!” he repeated as he clung to those divine joints.

  The queen fell against the wall. Bryce tried to yank her legs out from under her, to bring her all the way down, but in the process his head passed under her flaring skirt and he saw up her thighs. She wore luscious pink panties.

  Then he was on the floor hanging on to one slipper. He knew he had freaked out, but recovered because his fall had removed his gaze from her underwear and jogged him back to consciousness. Lucky was trying to pull the Dress off over her head. He was succeeding, in her distraction.

  But that promoted another danger. “Don’t look at her panties!” Bryce cried, slamming his eyes shut.

  “Take that, miscreant!” the queen said. Bryce felt power surge. She was using some kind of spell.

  Then the queen stiffened and stopped resisting. Lucky drew the Dress the rest of the way off her, though his eyes were closed. “Got it!” he said, wadding it up.

  “Bleepity bleepity bleep!” the queen swore, making the window curtains curl.

  “Get out of here!” Bryce said, cracking an eye open just enough to see where the dumbwaiter platform was. He lunged for it.

  So did Lucky. They jammed onto it in a tangle of limbs. Their weight started it plunging down as the queen, outraged in her underwear, lifted her hands to throw another devastating spell. Fortunately they dropped out of her sight before the spell landed.

  “What happened?” Bryce asked as they fell. He hoped Pose was still on the job and would slow them before they crashed.

  “I happened to be standing before a full-length mirror,” Lucky said. “Her spell reflected and smacked her down.”

  “You were incredibly lucky!”

  “Of course.”

  Ah, yes. That was the real key to this escapade: the man’s incredible luck. They had moved fast enough to stay within the two-hour limit of its potency.

  Then things dissolved around them. The tall castle and its attachments were gone. They were sitting on the ground, and Pose was nearby, not buried. Beyond were Piper, still playing his piccolo without an audience, then Anna still flashing her panties before no soldiers, and Arsenal with sword uplifted without the moat monster’s mouth to balk.