Luck of the Draw (Xanth)

by Piers Anthony

  And there was Mindy. “Congratulations,” she said. “I see you won the Dress.”

  “Cover up, Anna!” Bryce called. She hastily obeyed.

  They had won the Dress for Lucky. The first stage of the Demon Quest had been accomplished.

  9

  RING

  “I think I need to get on back to the Good Magician’s Castle,” Lucky said. “Thank all of you for your help. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  That was so emphatically true that it merited no comment. “It showed us how we can work together to achieve a common objective,” Bryce said diplomatically.

  “We’ll miss your luck,” Arsenal said.

  “The princess will surely love the Dress,” Anna said.

  Lucky nodded. “Well, I’ll be on my way. I hope all of you win your prizes.” He got on his trike. “My luck’s worn out for the day. I’ll take the enchanted path back.” He rode off.

  “Now we need to decide where to go next,” Mindy said. She produced her scroll and unrolled it another notch. “The western tip of the Panhandle.”

  “That’s far away!” Bryce protested.

  “That, it seems, is part of our joint Challenge,” Anna said. “We have a lot of riding to do.”

  “I have an idea,” Piper said. “I have traveled these parts. The Trollway passes close by here.”

  “The what?” Bryce asked.

  “The trolls aren’t all monsters. One tribe of them maintains a limited-access highway that runs the length of Xanth. For a nominal fee they will let others use it in perfect safety.”

  “Oh, like the interstate in Mundania, or a toll road,” Bryce said. Then he caught the pun. “Tollway! Too bad we can’t store that in Caprice Castle! But it’s still a long way.”

  “There’s also the Autotroll,” Piper said. “We could ride that and take our trikes along. But that costs more. We could roust up the fee for the Trollway, but not the ride.”

  “They must want business,” Arsenal said. “Maybe we could make a deal.”

  “We can try,” Piper agreed. “Failing that, we can cycle the distance; it will still be faster than using the enchanted paths, and safer than any shortcut.”

  “Not fast enough,” Arsenal said. “Even pedaling day and night.”

  “So we’ll try for the Autotroll deal.”

  “Lead the way.”

  They mounted their trikes and started off, following Piper. The trikes worked their magic, and they moved smartly along without being bothered by bushes, rocks, or crevices.

  Until they came to a fork in the path. “I don’t remember this,” Piper said. “It must be new.”

  “Take either one,” Arsenal called gruffly.

  Piper took the left fork. That led to a man standing in the way. “Halt!” he cried. “This is my path. No intruders.”

  Piper halted, and the others behind him. “We are merely passing through,” he said politely.

  “Well, pass some other way. No one uses this path but me.”

  Bryce could see that Piper was beginning to get annoyed. “No one owns a common path. Please just let us pass.”

  “No. Go away.”

  “And suppose we go through anyway?” Piper asked.

  “Then I’ll use my talent on you.”

  “And what talent is that?”

  “To give anyone a toothache.”

  “Oh for bleep’s sake!” Arsenal snapped, riding forward, passing around Piper. “He’s bluffing.”

  The man merely glanced at him. Arsenal abruptly clapped his hand to his jaw and crashed into a tree. “Mmmmph!”

  “It seems it’s not a bluff,” Piper said, unsurprised. He turned his trike around. The rest followed suit. They rode away, followed by Arsenal. Fortunately for him, his severe toothache abated once he was out of the man’s sight.

  They returned to the fork, and this time tried the right turn. This brought them to a moderately sized ant mound. They paused. “What kind is that?” Arsenal asked, more cautious after his experience with the toothache man.

  “I’ve seen that type before,” Anna said. “We use them to eliminate the smell in our barnyard. But it’s not safe to molest their home mound. They’re de-odor-ants.”

  “I wish I was still collecting puns!” Mindy said.

  “Why isn’t it safe?” Arsenal asked.

  “Because they think that messing with their nest stinks. Then they set out to eliminate the smell by consuming what makes it. You won’t stink because you will have been eaten down to nothing.”

  “We’ll leave this alone,” Arsenal said.

  “But that eliminates both forks,” Pose protested.

  “Not necessarily,” Piper said. “This is a region of high-intensity magic. Things change frequently.”

  So they rode back along the left fork. Sure enough, the toothache man was no longer there. Now there was a young woman blocking the way.

  They stopped again. “Who are you?” Arsenal demanded impatiently.

  “I am Miss Teak,” she answered with a voice that fairly oozed mystery.

  “Mistake?”

  “Miss Teak. Come fathom my mystery.” She stepped toward Arsenal.

  “Oh, Mystique,” he agreed. “Feminine mystique. But why the pun on wood?”

  “I don’t trust this,” Anna said. “I think she’s one-sided.”

  “One sided?” Bryce asked.

  “Turn around,” Anna told Teak. “Let’s see the other side of you.”

  But the woman did not turn. She stepped in to Arsenal, putting her arms around him. He did not seem loath, but neither did he respond.

  “Kiss her,” Anna said. “Turn her around.”

  Arsenal kissed her and turned her around.

  Miss Teak’s backside was hollow. She had no flesh there at all, merely the space within a shell. She was literally half a woman—the front half.

  “I knew it!” Anna said. “She’s a woodwife.”

  “So she is,” Mindy agreed. “I knew one of those once. She was Wenda Woodwife, actually a good person. She married Prince Charming and became whole.”

  “That doesn’t mean that this woodwife is a good person,” Pose said. “She could be setting us up for an ambush, the way that nymph did.”

  Arsenal remained in the creature’s embrace. “Are you?” he asked her.

  “You will never know unless you love me,” Teak said. “And my sisters.”

  “Now I really don’t trust this,” Anna said. “All woodwives want to become real by snaring human men. If they have their way, we’ll never get on with our Quest.”

  “I agree,” Arsenal said. He disengaged from the woodwife.

  “You can’t pass here without satisfying me and my sisters,” Teak said.

  Now the other woodwives were appearing, looking seductively eager. From the front they were phenomenally desirable, but now that Bryce had seen the back of one, he was hardly tempted. All they were was wooden forms without internal substance. They formed a tight phalanx across the path.

  And some of them were male, eying Anna and Mindy. They were quite robust and handsome from the front. So it seemed there were wood-husbands too.

  What would happen if the group tried to barge on through? Bryce suspected that the wooden aspect of the woodfolk would manifest, and they would become very difficult to escape. This was a confrontation best avoided.

  Arsenal evidently came to the same conclusion. “Let’s get out of here,” he said.

  They retreated. The woodfolk did not pursue them, evidently being territorial. That was a relief.

  They returned to the right fork. This too had changed. Now instead of an anthill there was a graveyard. The path went right across it. There did not seem to be a way around it, as brambles grew thickly right up to the edges.

  They paused to consider it.

  “I don’t like this,” Arsenal said. “We shouldn’t desecrate someone’s cemetery.”

  “Uh-oh,” Piper said.

  For a zombie had app
eared. His clothing was ragged, his flesh rotten, and worms wriggled where his face should be.

  “Whaaash ooo doingg heere?” he demanded of them.

  It was not a garden-variety burial place. It was a zombie graveyard. That was more challenging.

  “We need to cross your cemetery,” Arsenal said.

  “Ovverr mmy deead boody!” the zombie said. “Wee haave espreet de corpse.”

  “Oh, for my pun bag!” Mindy moaned.

  Arsenal was frustrated. “We have to do it, otherwise we’ll never get beyond those paths, with their constantly changing impediments. But this is ugly business. They might put a rotting curse on us.”

  The others agreed. They had to get past this challenging region. But at what price?

  Then Bryce thought of something. “How can a long-settled graveyard appear where there was an anthill before? Those ants would have consumed the zombies to get rid of the smell. A new impediment could have replaced the prior one, but a cemetery doesn’t travel. One or the other has to be an illusion.”

  “Or both,” Pose said. “Illusions are the easiest magic. All the things balking us may be illusions.”

  “My toothache was no illusion,” Arsenal said.

  “That was a live man, not a setting,” Bryce said. “But the principle remains: things are being sent to balk us.”

  “Sent by whom?” Arsenal asked.

  “That is an interesting question,” Piper said thoughtfully. “Could some party be trying to stop us?”

  “Who would dare try to interfere with a Demon contest?” Anna asked.

  “Maybe another Demon?” Pose suggested.

  “I doubt it,” Arsenal said. “The Demons are surely watching our progress, to be sure that none of them cheat. There can be no interference by any of them.”

  “Then it must be simply the ordinary mischief of the region,” Piper said. “A routine challenge to us all.”

  Bryce wasn’t sure of that, but let it be.

  “So we can ignore the illusions and move on,” Pose said.

  That seemed to make sense. But Arsenal had a caveat. “Ignoring illusions can be dangerous. They could cover a bottomless pit. This could be a threat of another nature. We need to be sure this path is firm before we risk it.”

  “Good point,” Pose said. “Fortunately I can verify it. I won’t be hurt by a pit.” He flickered. “No pit. We can proceed.”

  They mounted their trikes and started forward. More zombies appeared, barring their way. Arsenal pedaled harder and plowed right into them.

  The zombies collapsed into a slushy pile of pieces. The trikes rolled right over them. In barely two moments they were across the graveyard and zooming along the path beyond. They had made it through. Even the rotting bits of flesh that covered the trikes faded out, unable to maintain themselves apart from their original illusion.

  “I’m glad we didn’t have to desecrate a real graveyard,” Mindy said.

  “You and me both, honey,” Piper said. “A zombie curse could be unpleasant, to say the least.”

  Bryce agreed. He was still learning things about the devious bypaths of magic. What would a zombie curse do—start turning a person into a zombie? He hoped never to find out.

  Now at last they reached the Trollway. There was a gate across the path with a sign: STOP. PAY TROLL. Bryce repressed a smile.

  They stopped. “Now we have to decide what we want,” Piper said. “I have small change, but not enough for the Autotroll.”

  “Can we bargain?” Pose asked.

  “With what?”

  “Our talents,” Bryce suggested. “Piper can play music marvelously well. Arsenal could demonstrate military techniques. The girls could dance. We just might be able to put together a—a traveling minstrel show.”

  They considered. “I have tried to maintain human form and limitations, generally,” Pose said. “But I am a demon. I could assume the form of a stage for a performance by the others.”

  “Or a pet, or monster,” Bryce said. “Whatever props are needed.”

  “So the rest of us have roles,” Pose said. “What about you, Bryce?”

  Bryce sighed. “Since I have no real talent to contribute, I think I had better be the Master of Ceremonies.”

  The others laughed. “Then go make our case,” Arsenal said.

  Bryce approached the troll booth. “We are a group of six who would like to purchase passage on the Autotroll for the farthest tip of the Panhandle. We doubt we have sufficient payment, so we would like to earn our passage by becoming an entertainment troupe. We have assorted skills that may suffice.”

  “Give a sample,” the troll said.

  “Piper?” Bryce said.

  Piper brought out his piccolo and played a fetching little melody. It was completely delightful and they all listened appreciatively.

  “Passage granted,” the troll said. “Your party will remain on the Autotroll as long as the travelers are satisfied with your offerings. Thereafter you will be ejected. Fair enough?”

  It was evident that the trolls did not fool around with loafers. “Fair enough,” Bryce agreed.

  “Food and a private chamber with amenities will be provided as part of your fare.”

  More than fair enough. “Thank you,” Bryce said.

  The troll’s almost lipless mouth quirked in an approximation of a smile. “We were advised you were coming.”

  Oh? But of course their struggle with the path illusions could have alerted local folk, one of whom could have reported to the trolls. There was no point in being unduly suspicious.

  It wasn’t long before the Autotroll arrived. It steamed along tracks in the center of the Trollway, a full-blown old-style train of the type seldom seen anymore in Mundania. It had a steam engine, a coal car, six passenger cars, six sleeper cars, a dining car, six freight cars, a car marked REVUE, and a caboose. It was impressive.

  It braked to a halt almost where they stood. A set of steps folded down from the front end of the first passenger car. “All aboard!” the trollductor called.

  They boarded, carrying their folded trikes. A porter troll put tags on the trikes for storage in a freight car, and they were shown to their chamber. This was a nice if compact room with seats, fold-down beds, a table, and two windows looking out on the landscape that was now moving back as the train chugged back up to cruising velocity.

  “But we can’t relax yet,” Bryce said. “We need to get our act together so we can satisfy the other passengers. Pose, can you form into supported curtains we can open and close to define our acts?”

  The demon was replaced by a set of heavy curtains.

  “Good,” Bryce said. “We can have Piper play pleasant melodies to accompany the acts. Arsenal, can you show off your weaponry without doing damage to the furniture?”

  “Oh, yes.”

  “And the women.” Bryce paused. “I was thinking you could don matching dresses and dance, but I don’t know if you have them, or whether Mindy should participate.”

  “I can’t participate in your Challenges,” Mindy said. “But this is the in-between traveling. I like to dance anyway.”

  “I don’t,” Anna said. “I don’t like flashing my panties either. I had to do it for the other trolls and Lucky’s Quest, but don’t want to do it here.”

  “You don’t have to,” Mindy said. “The right costume has petticoats that obscure things so that you only seem to flash. Let’s see whether the trolls have provided what we need.” She delved into a chest in the corner. “Yes, they have.” She drew out piles of crinkly white material. “Close your eyes, men.”

  The men did. Bryce thought of how such a stricture was pure courtesy in Mundania, but necessary in Xanth, where panty magic could and did freak out men.

  “Okay,” Mindy said after two and a half moments.

  They looked. Now the girls were in identical outfits, with blue ribbons in their hair, lovely red dresses, and flaring skirts that seemed to be solidly filled with the crinkly petticoat
s.

  “Now we need to work out a dance,” Bryce said. “Something that will divert viewers male and female without being too daring.”

  “No need,” Piper said. “I will play dance music.”

  “But they need to agree on steps so they can be together,” Bryce said.

  “No. My music is magic. I will demonstrate.”

  Piper lifted his pipe and started playing. Both girls immediately started dancing. They were in perfect step, and the dance motions enhanced their femininity and made them quite attractive.

  “Wow!” Anna said as they finished. “That melody just took over my body and made it perform.”

  “But it must be limited,” Piper said. “Because they are not in condition for a long strenuous dance. But it should do for the brief acts we will put on.”

  “Indeed it should,” Bryce agreed, impressed.

  A troll appeared. “Time for your first show,” he said. “Follow me to the revue car.”

  They did. The revue car had seats on one end, while the other end was clear. Evidently there had been acts performed before, so the Autotroll was well set up.

  Their first audience consisted of an assortment of humans, elves, and off-duty trolls. This was probably more of a test case, to be sure the entertainment was worthwhile.

  “Pose,” Bryce murmured.

  The demon became the curtains, separating them from the audience.

  Bryce parted the curtains and stepped out to face the audience. “First we will entertain you with a fetching melody,” he said. “Piper?”

  Piper stepped out, and Bryce went back behind the curtains. Piper did indeed play a fetching melody; they could hear the audience’s toes tapping to its beat. It was the warm-up for the show, putting the listeners in the mood for more.

  But meanwhile Bryce was setting up the next act. “Arsenal, you’re next.”

  “Stay out with me,” Arsenal said. “I need a person to demonstrate against, for best effect.”

  “Okay.”

  The melody finished. Bryce stepped out. “Thank you, Piper,” he said, and Piper retreated behind the curtain. “Our next act is a demonstration of swordcraft.” He faced back. “Arsenal?”