Code Name: Ghost

by Natasza Waters

  He almost staggered backwards with Red’s words. Searching every face at the table, he saw the team staring back and no one was arguing. “She’s part of this team and there’s something wrong,” he said harshly. “I’m going to find out what it is.”

  “Oh, Christ,” Cobbs muttered, and followed close on his heels.

  * * * *

  Just like Simpson said, the line ran down the outside wall of the bar, three men thick. Music blasted from the interior.

  “Guys, you’re going to have to wait,” the bouncer said, stepping in front of them and holding up his hand.

  “Fuck off, get out of my way,” he stormed, pushing through the men in the line.

  The bouncer took one more step and then backed off. “Commander—”

  “Get the fuck out of my way.”

  Battering his way through with Cobbs, Tony, Nathan and Mace behind him, he stopped once he’d gotten close enough to see the stage.

  “Okay,” the lead singer from the band said, “I know you love us, but you’ve been waiting for her…so here’s Snow White.”

  The fucking place went nuts when Kayla appeared on the stage. The crowd surged as one body toward her. White lights swirled around her then stilled, leaving one brilliant light directly above her. She literally sparkled, her beauty radiating from her like a siren calling to the men in the audience.

  Adjusting the ear mic, she waited until the crowd quieted. “This song has just come out, and I think you’ll be hearing a lot of it, but when I heard the words I knew it should be your theme song, and probably mine, too. What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.”

  Kayla wore a pure white mini with beaded tassels dripping from her body and five-inch fuck-me heels. White cuffs circled her wrists with more tassels and her breasts popped from the body-hugging dress. Any man in his right mind would want to follow the arc and shallows of the woman’s legs with an open palm. If his temper was a rocket launcher it would have sent his ass to the moon. Jesus Christ! What the fuck was she doing?

  “Commander, maybe you should cool off before you talk to her,” Cobbs yelled in his ear over the song.

  He didn’t comprehend anything except he wanted her off that stage. The woman he loved—whoa not love, cared about—a lot—was in front of a couple hundred hungry sailors. He pushed closer while Cobbs tried to hold him back. The second the last note was out of her mouth, he grabbed her around the hips and tore her from the stage. Applause roared in the room and it covered her gasp.

  “Rank has its privileges,” the lead singer said, giving the band a sign and they exploded into another song.

  “Commander!” Kayla barked, pushing with both hands on his chest to get away. He slung her over his shoulder and headed straight for the door, the crowd opening up for him.

  Once outside, he dropped her to her feet. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he shouted before she found her balance. He wasn’t seeing red, his anger seared white hot in every one of his nerve endings.

  She took a step back, rage burning in her eyes. “You have no right!”

  Crossing his arms across his chest tightly, he leaned over her. “I have every goddamn right. You represent the United States Navy, my office, and you’re dressed like a fucking harlot.”

  Her arms jumped from her sides. “Would you prefer a maxi and a turtleneck, you hypocrite?” she yelled, standing her ground.

  “Okay, this is getting out of control,” Mace said, trying to step between them.

  With a sweep of his arm, he held Mace back. Frustration opened the doors wide to jealousy. He wanted her, but couldn’t have her. Soon, someone would take her from him. “It’s no bloody wonder no one’s married you if you want to act like a harlot.” Anger fired the wrong words from his mouth. The worst words. “Do you take private appointments after swinging your tail on stage?”

  Her hand shot out, slapping his face.

  “How dare you judge me.” She choked on her words, realizing it wasn’t only the team staring but the entire line. “How dare you embarrass me like this.” Raw emotion strangled her voice.

  His face stung like a bastard, but it didn’t affect him nearly as much as seeing tears fill her eyes. “Kayla?” Her anger morphed into pure agony. There was so much pain he couldn’t believe it. Why did he say that? Confusion between Kayla as part of the team and Kayla the woman muddled his mind. “You’re a goddamn embarrassment.”

  Anguish twisted her features and she struggled to gain control. When she couldn’t, she bowed her head, pushing through the squad.

  “Kayla—” Mace stiffened turning on him. “Commander—what the fuck are you doing?”

  “Shut it, Mace,” he ordered sharply, reaching for the sting in his cheek and turning his gaze on Cobbs. “This is what happens when you let a woman into the mix.”

  Cobbs cocked his head and slowly lifted a brow at him. “What you mean is, this is how bad it hurts seeing the woman you love being wanted by other men. Instead of telling her how much she means to you, you take your frustration out on her.” Cobbs took a threatening step toward him, the others following. “Did you listen to a word Fox said? Do you ever listen to anyone, you stupid bastard? In her weakest moment, when she’s obviously hurting, you cut her down and watched her fall.” Cobbs toured his silver eyes across the squads’ faces and then glared at him with disgust. “If you wanted to lose her for good, you’ve done an exemplary job, Thane.”

  He swallowed thickly, hearing every word his old friend said, every word the truth.

  * * * *

  Kayla closed the door to her condo and flung her purse on the counter. Yanking off her heels, they clacked against the wall, leaving a scuffmark. Adrenaline and sorrow pumped through her veins. She threw open the patio door, and the evening wind strode in to greet her, but she shunned the tepid warmth.

  Sitting down, she cradled her forehead in the heels of her hands. Once a year, she let herself feel it all—grief, loneliness, as the past welled in her heart, tears exploded from her. It was the one gift she allowed herself at this time of year to purge her heart. The ghost of Christmases past dragged her memories to the forefront and wrapped cold chains around her. By Christmas the abyss was full, and the emptiness crept over the edges, bitter and fathomless. The anguish wanted its freedom. She let a sob loose with no hope of holding it back.

  Strong arms wrapped around her, and she thrashed to escape, blinded by the past, terror ripping a cry from her.

  “Easy,” Thane breathed into her ear.

  She tore herself from his grip, wiping the tears away at the same time backing up against the glass doors. “Get out of my house.”

  “Kayla, I’m sorry.” His expression twisted with confusion.

  “Leave.”

  “No,” he said, shaking his head once. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  She whirled around and marched through her living room to the kitchen, Thane close behind. Throwing open the cabinet, she reached for a bottle. The shackles of regret couldn’t be vanquished, but alcohol would slow them down.

  Placing his hands on the kitchen counter separating them, he said, “That isn’t going to solve anything. I know, I’ve been there many times.”

  “Use the front door, Commander.” Having to listen to his judgmental ravings wouldn’t help. She’d judged, condemned and sentenced herself a long time ago. Solitary confinement kept her sane and alone. Choking back another sob, she pushed to her tiptoes to grab the bottle.

  “Kayla,” he barked at her. “Don’t ignore me. I asked you a question. I want a goddamn answer.”

  Anger swelled in her and she yanked the bottle from the cupboard. She didn’t mean for it to land so hard. The bottle shattered on impact and liquid splashed onto her feet and across her dress.

  “Hold still,” he commanded. Stepping across the glass, he picked her up in his arms, turned and headed down the hallway.

  “Get out.” Fighting to free herself, panic welled up. This was the Commander, he wouldn’t hurt her
, but her memories grasped at dark images, his grip like iron manacles. He bumped the door to her bedroom open, and laid her on the bed.

  “Look at me.” He sat down beside her, keeping her pinned. “Kayla, you’re scaring the shit out of me. Stop this—right now.”

  Her eyes rose to meet his, but only because he commanded it.

  “You’ve taken everyone’s shifts, working straight through Christmas. You’re not going back to BC because there’s no one there to go to, is there?” His gaze softened. “Sweetheart, you’re not alone.”

  Her entire soul caved in, crumpling with the words. Hearing them out loud shattered her. Drawing her to his chest, he rocked her in his arms as her entire body shook with huge sobs. The Commander held her, waiting patiently for her to calm down.

  With gentle force he raised her chin. “I’m sorry,” his brow furrowed deeply. “I didn’t mean what I said. Not a word.”

  “Go home, Commander.”

  “You’re pushing everyone away.”

  She twisted in his arms and curled into a tight ball, clutching the pillow. She’d done it ever since she was a child, her only protection against the bad things. The soft flannel squeezed tight between her fingers.

  “There’s no excuse for what I said, but there was a bar full of men who wanted you. It set me off. I—”

  Focusing on the wall, she said, “Commander, go home. Spend time with the people who are important to you.” Numbness enveloped her. The blissful protection created a barrier against all the memories that refused to let go. Closing her eyes, she breathed with a little relief. For most of the year, she existed like everyone else, going about her life, but when Christmas descended, the memories always came back with brutal force. The nightmares wormed into her heart with poisoness truth. With a gentle prod, she pushed his hand resting on her hip away. “Go.”

  He rose to tower over the bed. “Kayla, you said Christmas was about being with people who care the most. People do care about you, Mace, Red, the entire team. You’re part of us, and we never leave a team member behind.”

  She could hear the worry and confusion in his voice. “Commander, leave this harlot in an unmarked grave.”

  “You’re lashing out to protect yourself, but you’re hurting all of us. If you don’t think the light in my life doesn’t affect me when she’s struggling with her demons, and she doesn’t trust me enough to share them with me, you’re wrong.”

  The numbness gave her back control and she turned, draping her legs over the edge of the bed. “I’m nobody’s light.”

  Thane sat in the chair across from her. Leaning over, he rested his forearms on his powerful thighs, and bowing his head, he said, “You’re the beacon that brings me home. Did you know that?”

  Clutching the edge of the mattress stopped her from falling to her knees in front of him. Her weakness craved to rest her head in his lap, seek out his strength. “No, Commander, there’s only darkness inside of me.”

  “Why won’t you trust me, like you trust Fox and that idiot Lapierre?”

  She shook her head. Tears slid down her cheeks and she hated letting the Commander see her vulnerability. Working with men, it was the last thing they wanted to see. “I’m sorry I embarrassed you, that wasn’t my intent, sir.” She took a stuttering breath and gathered the little bravery she could muster, then looked up into his handsome features. Knowing how much of a failure she must be in his eyes, crippled her almost as much as her nightmares. She’d let him down. “It won’t happen again, Commander.”

  With one stride, he knelt in front of her, curling his hand over hers. “Kayla, what’s making you do this? Fox won’t tell me. Red threatened me not to push you, but I can’t stand by and watch this. If anything, I’ll suffer with you, just tell me what’s going on.”

  Explaining her past would put everything in jeopardy. He’d never look at her the same way again if he knew. She hid her dark side all the time. It had taken years to heal herself, but she’d done it. Becoming too close to the team was a mistake she’d rectify soon.

  They stared at each other in a silent standoff. Her gaze swept over every handsome, rugged inch of his face, putting each piece into her memory. He was the man every other man aspired to be, and he was her strength too.

  Thane lifted a curl from her cheek and brushed her bangs from her eyes. “Sometimes I think I can read your mind.” His brows quirked as if considering a thought then dismissing it at the same time. “Right now, I think you’re considering things I don’t want you to consider. Before you make any decisions you need to know something.”

  If she didn’t interrupt, he’d have his say and leave. He always left her, and this time it couldn’t be soon enough.

  “Since the day you came into my life I’ve had one wish. Somewhere, on some other plane, you and I aren’t the Ghost and Snow White. When we looked into each other’s eyes we knew we’d walk through life together, having all the things others take for granted, peace, living a life ignorant of all the shades of evil in this world. It’s a place where I never have to leave you.” The Commander’s jaw hardened and his forehead lined with worry. His normally strong voice broke with emotion. “Every day I wish that. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one filled with regret. I’ve kept my distance from you because if I don’t…”

  He squeezed her hands between his and kissed the top of her knuckles. Her heart imploded on itself, and filled with bittersweet warmth as tears cascaded down her cheeks unbidden. “That’s what dreams are for, Commander, for all our foolish desires that will never be.”

  “I recognize the haunted look in a man’s eyes. A man who’s seen too much and has reached his end. What I don’t understand is seeing it in yours. Talk to me, Kayla.”

  Buried in her past but never forgotten, she waged war against the battle she’d survived. “Sometimes, there’s no way to find the light, Commander. I don’t need rescuing.” A sob choked off her words.

  Thane rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “Don’t give up on me, Snow White. I believe in you, every beautiful, brave, honorable bit of you.” He kissed her sweetly, his lips sweeping the tears from her cheeks. “It’s not fear of losing our lives that keeps a SEAL breathing. The compass that points toward home gives him a reason and a direction. You’re mine. There is no way in this world I will leave you in the darkness.” He kissed her again. “No matter how dark it gets, Kayla, I will always find you.”

  Chapter Twenty

  “Merry Christmas, Kayla,” Jake greeted, dropping his pack on the ground by the console ready to take over the evening shift.

  God, she was sick of hearing that. She just had to make it through a few more days and people would put the merry music, being nice to each other, and the fake warm fuzzy feelings away. There wasn’t a damn thing merry about Christmas, but like every year, she went through the motions. “Hey, Jake. There’s nothing pressing, except for the recon ops from Kabul.”

  “Yeah, it gets pretty quiet around here at Christmas. Too bad it couldn’t be like this every day. We might be out of a job if the world finally decided to shake hands.”

  “There’s a thought.”

  Jake flicked a couple more lights on and swiveled the chair to sit down. “Kayla, I know it was a lot to ask, but thanks for working half the day shift for me tomorrow. Beck has a big family meal…”

  “No problem. I’ll work the whole thing for you.”

  Jake’s green eyes rounded. “You would? Kayla, whoa I owe you one.”

  “No, you don’t. I’m working for John tomorrow night anyway. There’s no point in leaving,” she said, leaning over to retrieve her bag. “Do you have plans tonight? I could pull a double.”

  He tilted his head, his eyes tracing a path across her face. “Kayla, are you okay?”

  “Of course. Do you want me to work for you tonight? I can cancel my dinner plans.”

  “No,” he said, reaching out and squeezing her arm. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah,
yeah, Merry Christmas,” she said, plastering a smile on her lips.

  * * * *

  The base was deathly quiet as she walked toward the gate. After the big Santa fest at lunch yesterday, most people bailed to get home and do their last minute preparations. It had rained all afternoon, leaving a moist curtain in the air, but she left her jacket off, preferring the chill. It didn’t penetrate her skin, likely afraid of the iciness of her heart. Maybe she should just stay home tonight instead of…a sound behind her drew her attention.

  The December afternoon made it dark by five o’clock. Grinding a heel, she turned, the cold in her heart changing to an angry challenge. “Come on, you bastard, I hope it’s you,” she whispered, gazing around.

  The sound of metal gliding across metal stilled her, sending an icy tremor up her spine. She swallowed hard, and her heart began to pound. Her gaze darted across the garbage containers lining one side of the alley. A slow slice of steel against metal reached out to her maliciously—a warning. “What are you waiting for?” Raindrops sprinkled down on her skin, and within seconds it became a downpour. The drops struck her face and splashed against her lashes. “I’m right here. Do it!” Her blood pumped hard in her veins. Anger, loss, hopelessness. This was her end. Ten years to the day, the irony of it wasn’t missed. She took a step toward the alley. “Now, do it now!” she screamed into the dark.

  The weight of regret churned thick in the back of her throat. “I’ve been waiting for you.” She dropped her bags and took another step toward the sound. “Take it, take my life.” She narrowed her eyes against the pelting rain.

  “Kayla!”

  She turned as Mace and Tony ran to her side.

  “Who are you yelling at?” Mace asked, scanning the darkness while Tony began walking deeper into the alley.

  “Stop, Tony,” she blurted and vaulted forward, grabbing his arm.