The Christmas Visit: Comfort and JoyLove at First StepA Christmas Secret

by Moore, Margaret

  Elizabeth gasped when he placed his hand between them and began to tease something between her legs. The aching and throbbing increased every time she moved and because of the pleasure she could not stop herself. The tension built even more tightly than before within her and she arched her back and took him in as deeply as she could. Filled with him, she moaned as she reached the edge of something and hesitated for a brief moment, before going over it.

  As the core of her began to contract, he reached out and clasped her hands in his. He needed to be even deeper inside of her and so he rolled them over until he covered her. Releasing her hands, he lifted her legs around his hips and plunged his erection in until he met her womb. As tight as the glove he wore for hawking, she fit around him and he could feel every little pulse as it moved through her. Lifting out and then sliding back in, he filled her over and over until she began to cry out her pleasure. Only then did he seek his release, the one that he had held back until assured that she was satisfied. Until she took control.

  Until she took him and was not taken.

  Until she was given.

  Chapter Eight

  He knew not how long they slept, only that he awakened to find her on top of him with her hair covering them like a blanket. Although he was hot, her skin felt chilled.

  There was no way to get out from under her to stir the embers of the fire or to even pull the covers over them without waking her, so he began to ease her to his side. Although she grumbled, she did not seem to wake. Gavin slipped from the bed and picked up an iron rod to stir the peat in the hearth. Adding a few more blocks of it and a few pieces of wood, Gavin looked back to where she slept.

  He still could not believe that she had answered his summons. She’d made him wait for two days and almost lose hope, but then she was there. And she had given herself to him as he’d hoped. Surely they were meant to be together.

  He had tried everything he knew to make it good for her, to make the memories of the other times with other men fade and to make her realize what could be between a man and a woman. Especially when deeper feelings were involved. As his were.

  Elizabeth began stirring so he finished tending the hearth and returned to the bed. Easing the blankets out from under her, he climbed in and was thrilled when she rolled into his arms and murmured in her sleep. His own body stirred as her softness came into contact with him, but he simply enjoyed holding her close without her fears to get in the way.

  “I love ye, lass,” he whispered to her, in the Gaelic language of his home. “With all my heart.”

  She opened her eyes and looked at him. Before she could speak, he touched her lips with his and then smiled. “I am glad that you answered my summons, lass.”

  “As am I, my…” He stopped her from finishing it.

  “Gavin. With all this between us now, we are Elizabeth and Gavin.”

  Her smile lit his world and she repeated his name in a throaty whisper. “Gavin.”

  “’Twas the first time you found pleasure in the joining?” he asked, not sure how else to broach the subject without asking it directly.

  She looked away, obviously uncomfortable with speaking of it, but he would not let her. Guiding her face back to where he could see it, he kissed her and then asked again.

  “Was it?” He was not sure why he asked. Partly male pride, partly curiosity over her past. But he needed to know.

  “Not all…joinings have been pleasant, but some have been not unpleasant,” she began to explain. “But none have been as was between us.”

  His arrogance and pride surged as did certain parts of his body at her words. She had gifted him with something precious, as he suspected. And he had been able to make it different and better for her. Did she know now that so much more could be between them? Did she know that more of herself, more than she had buried deep inside her, would be safe with him?

  “And will be again, if you wish it so, lass,” he said.

  She leaned away from him, as far as his arms would allow and searched his face. “You wish me to stay?”

  “Aye, lass. I wish you to stay.” He was not about to allow her to leave. He would do whatever he must to convince her to remain with him, until he could speak to her seriously of a possible life together. “Please dinna leave me.” Even he heard the longing in his voice and he offered up a silent prayer that she felt it.

  “I will stay with you, Gavin, until you send me away.”

  She let him gather her in closer as he tried to show her with his embrace and his body that he would never ask her to leave. Just the opposite, he planned to ask her to stay with him forever.

  Two more days and nights passed and still he kept her to himself. He loved her in every way possible and she never refused him. Actually, she became quite the active partner, giving and receiving until they were spent. Gavin arranged for food and a bath to be brought and still did not allow her to leave.

  ’Twas only when Orrick himself banged on the door, demanding that Elizabeth return to her duties, that Gavin relented in his possession of her and hers of him. Not wishing to cause more trouble or embarrassment for her, Gavin allowed her to answer Orrick’s summons.

  But the Elizabeth who left his chambers was a different one than the fearful woman who had entered there a few days before. The tantalizing glimpses of the woman inside confirmed to him his suspicions that there was much more to her than a common whore. She let small clues slip out during their loveplay and in their conversations about her past, before she left York.

  And her personality was strong and vibrant! She showed him a keen and sometimes biting sense of humor and an appreciation for learning his culture and heritage. The lass took a passive role in their joinings only the first two times, then she led as much as she followed, to his utter amazement and joy.

  There were two things he knew clearly when she walked out of his chambers—that they would suit well and that he did love her. He suspected that she had soft feelings for him, but he did not press for words of love. They would come in time, he was certain. He had only to arrange things with Orrick and then he would ask her to return with him to his home in the Highlands. A short time after she left, he too was summoned to Orrick’s presence.

  Elizabeth wondered if everyone in Silloth knew what they had been doing for the past two days and nights. She ached in places she did not know existed before his touches and kisses and felt a contentment she did not know before his love.

  Aye, she thought as she answered Lord Orrick’s call, she knew Gavin thought he was in love with her. And, if truth be told, she would like that very much, but the true situation was not and could not be that simple…or happy. In spite of his words declaring his love, spoken in the Gaelic of her grandmother, nothing could come of it.

  Convinced now more than when she went to his chambers of the rightness of her decision to enter the Gilbertines community and her decision to give herself to him before leaving Silloth, she tucked the wonderful memories of their time together into a safe place and made her way down stairs and corridors until she stood before Orrick’s chamber. Knocking, she waited to be invited in before opening the door. Lady Margaret’s presence was no surprise. Elizabeth knew she had some explaining to do to both lord and lady over her behavior and her plans.

  “Elizabeth, are you well?” Lady Margaret asked softly as soon as her servant left them, pulling the door closed behind her. Orrick stood off to one side of the chamber, looking out the window as if not involved. She knew better, though.

  Elizabeth curtsied slightly and nodded. “I am well, my lady.”

  “And you discovered what you went seeking to find?” The lady’s gaze missed nothing as did her knowledge of her people.

  “I did, my lady.”

  “And did you and Lord Gavin speak of your lives after this time you spent together? What will you do?”

  “I fear we spoke of very little, my lady.” Lord Orrick choked and coughed a few times at her words, no doubt shocked at her boldness. “I wo
uld accept the offer made by you and my lord to sponsor me to the Gilbertines, my lady. I will go there whenever you think it best to go.”

  Now that she spoke the words, a sense of peace settled over her. This was the right path for her. For she was certain that she could never again offer herself to any man for his pleasure. Now that she had given herself to Gavin, she would not be able to resurrect the barriers that kept her safe and separate.

  And she did not want to be with another man if she could not be with him. Elizabeth had given him something that she had shared with no other man and would not betray or dirty that by going back to whoring. She might be placing herself too high, but she knew the truth of it inside her heart and her soul.

  “Gavin does not know of your plans?” Lord Orrick asked.

  “Nay, my lord.” Something was amiss here.

  “And he did not speak to you of his plans?” Lord Orrick’s tone hinted at something, but she did not know what.

  “Nay, my lord. Was there some reason to tell him of my decision?”

  “He is a fool, Margaret!” Lord Orrick exclaimed to his wife, apparently ignoring her own presence there and insulting his guest. “I swear he is nothing but a thick-skulled arse.”

  “My lord, Elizabeth knows not of what you speak. Mayhap Lord Gavin should join us so we may sort this out to everyone’s benefit?” Lady Margaret did not wait on her husband’s answer, but went to the door and spoke quietly to the servant outside.

  A few minutes passed in an uncomfortable silence as they waited for Lord Gavin to arrive. His loud knock startled her and a tremor of nervousness passed through her at what would be their first encounter since…since…so many things had passed between them. Not sure of how he would treat her now, she lowered her head and waited. Lord Orrick did not allow for pleasantries, launching immediately into questions of his guest.

  “Gavin, Elizabeth has accepted my offer of sponsorship to the Gilbertines’ community. What say you to that?”

  She was not certain why he should have anything to say on the matter, but ’twas obvious that Lord Orrick did. Elizabeth clasped her hands in front of her to keep them from shaking. Her nervousness increased as she waited, as they waited on Lord Gavin’s reply.

  “The convent, Elizabeth? You’re to enter the convent?” His voice was gruff and she imagined she could hear pain in it.

  “Aye, my lord. Lord Orrick has been more than generous in his offer. ’Twould seem a good place for…me.” She did not look at him. She could not.

  “I told you of my plan to make that offer, Gavin. You knew it was a possibility.”

  “Damn you for your meddling ways, Orrick,” Gavin said, his voice more threatening for its softness. Elizabeth felt the tension in the room growing and knew that it involved more than simply her decision to leave.

  “Do you have nothing to say to Elizabeth, Gavin? No offer to make to her?”

  Lord Orrick moved to her side and faced Lord Gavin with the stance that men use when challenging each other. She could wait no longer and cause no more problems for either of these men who had championed her in some way or another for the past year.

  Though she knew it was inappropriate, she stepped closer to Lord Gavin and placed her hand on his chest. She had not the courage to meet his gaze. “My lord, I am at peace with this decision. Do not feel that you must make some offer that you do not want to. Or that is not one makes to a wh—”

  “Do not call yourself that!” he yelled, making her take a step back. “We both know you are not. There is much more to you than you admit, and I refuse to let you use that word again.”

  He reached out and took her shoulders in his hands, pulling her closer. Lord Orrick and Lady Margaret did not look away from this wanton display, though Elizabeth was certain they had to be horrified.

  “Lass,” he said quietly, “look at me.”

  She slowly tilted her head. Instead of finding the anger in his voice, she found his eyes filled with softness and caring. ’Twould be her downfall now. “My lord?”

  “I want you to return to my village with me. Once the weather breaks, I will take you back to my home and my clan.”

  “As your leman, my lord? To serve as your mistress until you marry again?” Those were her only options. Then what would she do when he married, for she could not stay and would have no place else to go. And she could not watch him marry another, knowing that her love for him would be for naught.

  “Nay, Elizabeth. Be my wife.”

  She laughed out at his words, feeling her control slip away as the pain pierced her heart. Shaking, she could not breathe as she tried to understand why she was punished yet again. Just when she thought she’d found a way to cleanse her soul of the sins it bore and a way to be at peace, he tempted her with the one thing she craved yet could not have. At another time, in another life and place, marrying Gavin MacLeod would have fulfilled all of her dreams. Now the offer simply increased the punishment she would have to bear.

  “Elizabeth,” he said, squeezing her to bring her attention back to him. “Will you marry me?”

  She pulled out of his grasp before she forced out the words that would damn her forever in his eyes. “I fear I cannot marry you, my lord, for I am already married.”

  “What?” he bellowed as he staggered back from her. “You are married?”

  Lord Orrick took his ladywife by her hand and began to walk toward the door when Lord Gavin stopped them. “Oh no, my meddling friend. You put me on the quest to discover her truths, you will stay now and learn them with me.”

  So, her words to him about being a nobleman amusing himself with a lower woman were true. It had upset him at the time and now she knew why. But encouraging him to use her until he found out about her past was cruel. And not something she would have expected from Lord Orrick. Ah, ’twould seem that all noblemen can turn when their desires are thwarted as she had stymied his in his search for her past. This had all been about finding her weakness and using it to discover that which she would not disclose freely. And Lord Gavin had found it.

  “I am married, my lord,” she said, trying not to let the despair she felt enter her voice. “And have been since I was ten-and-six.” She faced him now.

  “Who was your husband?” Gavin asked. “Did he die and leave you unprotected? Have you no family to keep you from wh—?” He did not say the final word.

  “My husband is a wealthy merchant in York who decided he no longer wanted me as wife. The deal he made with my father did not give him the heir he desperately wanted, so he got rid of me.”

  “Do you mean he put you aside, Elizabeth? What did the priest say? Or your father? Surely he fought against this?” Lady Margaret asked. The lady stepped to her side and Elizabeth felt some measure of comfort in having a woman nearby. Especially a noblewoman, who understood all of the machinations in a noble marriage.

  “My father would not let him put me aside, for he believed it would cast aspersions on his good name. So my husband did what he did best. He made a arrangements with some men to take me in the night and to be certain that I was found by my father with all of them. My father believed, as Kennard had hoped, that I had proved myself a whore and not worthy of his support or his name. A bastard daughter is good for so few things and if I was not worth gold in the match with the merchant, my father wanted nothing to do with me.”

  Lady Margaret’s face drained of all its color and her husband noticed it, too. Lord Orrick took hold of her arm to support her as she stood. After a moment or two, Lady Margaret waved him off. “He did not secure you a place in a convent?”

  “Nay, my lady. Kennard sold me to a brothel outside Carlisle and had found a new, fruitful wife when I last saw him. My father refused to see me once Kennard bought his silence in exchange for half my dowry returned to him.”

  “Half your dowry returned to your father?” the lady asked.

  “Kennard would have kept it all since it was my disgrace that brought the marriage to an end, but to smooth th
ings over and to keep my father from meddling, he offered him half of it back. ’Twas a sizable amount, enough to soothe any damages to his name or esteem done by his illegitimate whore of a daughter.”

  She could still hear the words spewing forth from Kennard and her father. Everything was her fault, for if she had conceived an heir for Kennard, none of this would have happened. If God had not granted her an heir, then ’twas surely a sign that she was sinful. Probably from her whore of a mother, who bore her out of the bonds of marriage, Kennard had said. Blood will tell…blood always tells….

  Silence filled the room and she could look at no one, especially not Lord Gavin. Now he knew that she was married, put aside and truly a whore, sleeping with men other than her wedded husband. She could not bear to see the anger and disappointment in his eyes, for she knew he carried some noble idea in his mind that she was more than she truly was.

  “So, my lord,” she said, finally chancing a look at him, “I am not free to marry you, even if I wished it to be so.”

  Whatever reaction she expected, she did not receive it. She even thought he might wish her well in her new life of penance and service at the convent, now knowing the sins she must pay for. She thought he might argue with her over the vows she could not break. And part of her hoped he would ask her to go with him anyway, knowing that they each had feelings for the other.

  Instead, he nodded at Lord Orrick and Lady Margaret and left the room without ever acknowledging her again. Elizabeth thought her heart had broken, in that moment, but it wasn’t until she heard a few hours later that Lord Gavin had left Silloth, with no word on his return, that she knew the true pain of heartbreak.

  Chapter Nine

  The last day of the year arrived as gray and stormy as the month of days before it, but at least Elizabeth was in her own cottage. She could tolerate no more of the comments being made by the inhabitants of Silloth about her and Lord Gavin. The women took her side, for surely she was not the first woman to give herself in love to a man who then forsook her. The men did not understand how any harlot could have expected more than what she got—a fine tupping by a nobleman whom, they were sure, had left her some trinket to cover the cost of her services.