Easy

by Mercedes Siler

  Something’s dripping down my face and I can’t tell if it’s blood or sweat.

  It’s probably blood.

  Motherfucker. It’s my fucking eyebrow again.

  And he knocked out one of my contacts.

  I’m going to puke.

  I lean forward and vomit into the gutter between my legs. I’m dizzy and the axe in my head is back.

  I get up and take out my other contact. I hope he doesn’t have my backpack. That son of a bitch. I sit my blurry ass down and close my eyes.

  “You okay?” Mayyim asks, kneeling in front of me.

  “Yeah. He knocked out my contact. Did he leave my backpack?”

  “Yeah. It’s right here.” She goes and comes back.

  Thank God. I hate being blurry. And he’s obviously not in a good state of mind so I’m glad he doesn’t have the money. “Can you get me my glasses?”

  “Yeah. Here.” She puts them on me gently.

  I open my eyes and see her clearly if not dizzily, and I smile at her. “Thanks.”

  She smiles back and looks at my eyebrow with a concerned frown.

  “Is it bad?”

  She shakes her head. “Not too big, but it’s open. It’ll scar. Do you want to go get some stitches?”

  I shake my head. “No. Darry’s mom’s a nurse and he’s in school to be a paramedic. He’ll tape me up.”

  “How convenient.” She smiles, touching my blood. “Cece is baby talking to him in Spanish right now.” She sits next to me on the curb.

  “She does that. I never know whether to think she’s obnoxiously irritating or she has a great soul and I should like her.”

  “So, she’s like another sister,” she offers.

  “Yeah. I guess so.” That makes sense. “I have to get fixed and changed before we head to my parents’ house.” I feel out the gash in my eyebrow and feel like puking. “I told him not to fight me. I was pretty much healed from before. What an asshole.”

  “Has he done this before?”

  I shrug and start thinking. Every once in a while he gets low. He was low when we met, but I was, too. But now I’m thinking back to the day we picked up Mayyim. He’s the one who brought the drugs. He was acting like a jerk. When he came back to my house he looked sad.

  “I’m sure you’ll figure things out.” She watches the blood from my eyebrow make a tiny puddle on the asphalt.

  I look at Darry. “Darius, can I use your phone and can you fix my eyebrow?”

  “Yeah.”

  We follow them into the house. Cece takes the baby and goes to Darry’s room, and the kids follow her like baby ducks. He fixes me and I dial Abby.

  “Hello?”

  “Abby. How’s everything?”

  “She stopped eating. Otherwise everything’s the same. She’s been asking about you. She has a hospice nurse with her.”

  You know in movies when the character hears or sees something that fucks with their head and their vision zooms out and back in? That happens to me right now. Mayyim is changing into a pretty green dress and my world is crumbling. I hold my hand out to her and she comes to me. “I didn’t know it was that serious.”

  “Well, I’ve been telling you, haven’t I? Are you in town?”

  I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. Mayyim sits on my lap looking concerned. “Yeah,” I answer, zipping her dress for her. “Is dad home?”

  “Yes. He came back when she started having seizures.”

  I look at Mayyim. She looks pretty. She’s fixing her hair while she’s sitting on me and I want to make love to her.

  “So are you coming?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Who else?”

  “Mayyim.”

  “Jake?”

  “No.” This is too much. I just got in a fight with this guy because of the sister rule, and here’s my sister, asking about him. What a strange turn of events.

  “Why not?”

  “Because he’s mad at me.”

  “What’d you do? This better not be about me because he said he’d come with you.”

  “No, it’s not about you. Should it be?” Now I’m confused.

  “Whatever. Who’s Mayyim?”

  “You know who I’m talking about, Abby. Don’t be a bitch.”

  “When are you going to get here?”

  “I just need to get dressed.”

  “Okay. See you.”

  I hang up. I look at Mayyim. She’s looking at me. She’s concerned and her eyes are moving over my face, taking inventory.

  I move my hands around to hold her hips. “Why are you looking at me like that? Am I broken?”

  She smiles a little no-teeth smile. “No.” She puts her lips against my forehead and her arms around my neck.

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  She pulls back and touches my lips. She kisses me and it hurts so good feeling her against the cuts inside my mouth from fighting.

  I pull her close and get in. “I need you. Is that okay?” I want to feel good and whole. I need this goodness.

  She watches my face, kissing my cuts and my mouth. The sex is different. I love myself in her. I need her comfort more than I’ve ever needed anything from anyone. And when we’re finished, I just want to hold her forever and never let go. I feel her breaths on me. It’s crazy how sex with the right person at the right time can make all your troubles seem so far away. I feel like I have a partner. She fits against me so nicely like a warm bit of joy.

  She lays her head on my chest and I hold her until we get up to get ready to go.

  There’s a knock on the door. “Darry wanted me to make sure you weren’t fucking on my dad’s desk,” his little brother calls from the other side of the door.

  “Yeah. We’re good. Out in a sec.” I call back and come back to her, kissing her. I go into the bathroom to take one last look in the mirror. I straighten my collar. I think a tie would be overkill. It would be like I was dressing for her funeral in advance. I roll my sleeves because they’re always too short. I guess my hair is good enough. I come off as Republican casual which is the look I’m going for.

  She smiles at me with eyes that are sad but she’s not sad, I don’t think.

  I smile back. “Ready?”

  She nods, putting her backpack on. She takes my hand and I lead her to Darry’s room.

  The older baby is napping in the corner and baby Teddy is lying on the bed, playing with his feet. Cece’s looking at Darry, mumbling curses at her brother in Spanish. Darry looks from his guitar to us and nods acknowledgement to the tune of his song, his mouth moving to the sounds of his strings.

  Cece looks at me with blazing eyes. “What the fuck? Why would you hold back?”

  I put my palms up. “I’m not the enemy.”

  “Why would you let him do that and get away with it? Someone has to check him!”

  “What do you want me to do? Kill him? Knock all his teeth out? For you?” I raise an eyebrow. “No thanks.” The baby cries and we both take a step, but I’m closer. I pick him up and hold his heavy little body to me. He’s a lot heavier than Hannah. He’s a solid baby. I kiss his forehead and hand him to Cece. “I gotta go.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  We walk slowly because I feel so weak and unmotivated to go in the first place. The air has turned from a muggy, sweaty August summer to a hot, crisp September autumn. It smells like the beginning of the school year, before the time changes and it’s always dark.

  I like holding her hand and walking. It feels like simpler times and she looks so pretty in her green dress and little shoes.

  I stop us in front of the gate.

  She holds onto my arm, giving me her support.

  I smile and kiss her forehead. “Do you love me?”

  She nods, smiling softly and it’s a softer, less heated look and I know she does love me. That’s good. It’s such a thick warm feeling it makes me sleepy.

  “Okay. Let’s go.”

  Chapter 23

  Abby is sitting
on the steps outside the house. She stands to look at us as we walk up to her. “What happened to your face?”

  “Your boyfriend happened to my face.” I hug her, and I can feel her soften and relax and hug me back. “I don’t approve.”

  She shrugs. “He’s not my boyfriend, anyway. He doesn’t care. Otherwise he would have come with you.” She kisses my cheek. “I’m glad you came.” She turns her attention to Mayyim, pulling away from me. She holds her hand out. “I’m Abby, Ezra’s sister.”

  “Mayyim.” She smiles and shakes. “I wanted to bring flowers but Jake took the car.” She says, shy but holding to her conviction.

  “Well, it’s the thought that counts, right?” She smiles.

  “Abby, don’t be a jerk,” I tell her.

  She looks at Mayyim. “I love my brother very much. I don’t want to see him hurt or heartbroken by some girl he found on the street that noticed he had expensive tastes,” she tells her.

  Mayyim takes a breath, looking her in the eye. I can see the fire. I wonder if Abby can. She lets out her breath. “He talks about you all the time. I’m glad to meet you for reals. He loves you very much as well.”

  “He’s hardly said a thing about you.”

  “Okay. That’s enough,” I tell them. “Can we see mom?”

  “Yeah. The nurse is with her now. I told her you were coming and bringing someone, and she wanted to make a good impression. If you’ll wait I’ll get you when she’s ready. The boys and Stacy are here on deathwatch. They went to get lunch. I told them to get you something.”

  “I don’t know if we’ll be staying.”

  “You might as well be. Ben and Stacy are staying.”

  “Together?”

  She gives me a look. “She’s bunking with me.” She rolls her eyes.

  “Yikes.” Stacy is Ben’s girlfriend and she looks and sounds like a horse. Abby hates her. I don’t care either way.

  “Yeah. If you stay we’ll work something out,” she says, softening toward Mayyim.

  I wonder if it’s because anyone is better to bunk with than Stacy. “Not necessary. She goes where I go.” I pull Mayyim to me and she relaxes against me. I hope she always stays this close to me and never stops following me around.

  Abby raises an incredulous eyebrow. “Right. I’ll go check on mom. Make yourselves at home. Micah is with the nanny. Hannah is napping.” She walks off to the staircase.

  I look at Mayyim. I smile. “Could have been worse.”

  She gives me a dirty look.

  I kiss her and give her the tour of the house where I grew up. I introduce her to the cook, and Sam. I take her outside where Abby and I used to play in the rose garden and climb the trees until she turned into a girl and had to do girl stuff and left me all alone except for Pauly. But Pauly has always been a boring pain in the ass.

  I take her back inside and show her around upstairs. I show her my brothers’ rooms and now I take her back to mine.

  “Why’s your door painted black?”

  “I don’t know.” I touch the paint, feeling nothing. “It seems stupid now but I just wanted to piss my dad off.”

  “You did it?”

  “Yeah. And Jake.”

  “Did it work?”

  “I honestly don’t remember.” I remember it seeming to be important. But now I don’t care. All I care about is landing this job, and getting my law degree and a place to live. It’s weird. “And this is my room. You’ve already seen it, though.”

  “Yeah, but that was the middle of a crazy night.” She throws herself on my bed and crosses her ankles, resting her hands on her stomach, watching me.

  I look around, taking inventory. There’s a stack of flat boxes and packaging tape beside my door.

  A few months ago I would be super pissed and start raging, but right now I am calm and grateful. I have been provided with boxes to take all my things when I’m ready to take them.

  “Let me help. I’m a pro. I’ve moved so many times it’s not funny.” She gets up and comes over. She’s building and I’m taping.

  “Is there anything you’re not a pro at?”

  “Yes.”

  “Where did you start your life?”

  “A little place in Illinois. A trailer park. My mom and dad were separated at the time. She was a stripper when he met her. She stopped when she got pregnant, and shortly after I came along is when they separated and she went back to the trailer park. Then we moved to another trailer park in Las Vegas. Then my dad took me for a while. He was living in Santa Monica with his sister, my aunt. Then my mom came out here with some guy and I started going back and forth between them, and then they divorced and my dad wanted to take me home with him but the courts said no and he died. After that she moved her way from creep to creepier.”

  And using her as a pawn to get ahead. An okay lady and gorgeous young daughter who could be anything they wanted her to be. It happens. It makes me sick but it happens. “How did your dad die?”

  “He killed himself in the bathroom of the airplane on the way back home because he couldn’t take me from my mom,” she says, quietly.

  I wasn’t expecting that. But that’s pretty low, to want to take your kid because she’s in trouble and then off yourself and give her no way out because you didn’t get your way? Super low.

  “I’m not sad about it. He could have taken me anyway. I don’t think he killed himself because of me. But I did like him. He made me feel safe, and loved, and interesting.”

  I watch her fold boxes. I don’t know why anyone would ever want to hurt her. Or leave her behind to feel uninteresting.

  She looks back at me like she knows I have a response and she’s waiting for it.

  I grin. “You think you know me?”

  She smiles demurely and continues with her box building.

  Abby steps in. “Hey. She’s ready to see you.”

  I feel like puking. I don’t want to see my mom in bad shape. I’m also afraid of any truths she might or might not tell me. While she’s on her death bed would be the perfect time to tell me truths, but what if she doesn’t and I never know? Either way it’s more than I want to try to deal with right now.

  Mayyim stands and goes to my bathroom with her backpack. Abby sits on the floor with me. “She’s lost some weight and she’s pale. She has seizures every once in a while. She’s lost the vision in her left eye so she’s wearing an eye patch.”

  Oh my God. I don’t want to be here.

  Mayyim comes back looking sad and we get up.

  “If Hannah wakes up, you get her. I’m exhausted and I haven’t been outside in days.” She has a book in her hand. She does look exhausted.

  I take Mayyim’s hand and she leans into me as we follow Abby to where my mom is. “What’s wrong?” I ask her.

  “I’m not pregnant,” she tells me quietly.

  I frown at her. “How do you know that?”

  She looks so downhearted. “The usual way.”

  Oh. “It’s okay. I mean, at least that means you can get pregnant, right?”

  Her face lightens and she looks at me through hopeful, tear-sparkly eyes.

  I rub her hand with my thumb and focus on the task ahead.

  I take a deep, jagged breath. My mom is lying in bed and she’s not trying to get up. Her skin is pallid and white as the sheets and pillows behind her. She gives us a weak smile. Her faded curly red hair is in two braids and her good eye is shining brightly at us.

  She beckons and points to the chairs beside the bed. “Sit. Introduce me.”

  I sit in the chair with Mayyim beside me. “Hi, mama.”

  “Hi, sweetheart.” She smiles at me.

  “This is Mayyim, my wife.” This is my first time saying it and it’s exhilarating. I think I grew some chest hair.

  She smiles warmly, holding her hand to her. “How do you do?”

  “Fine, thank you. Abby looks like you.”

  “She does. She’s prettier, though. And smarter. When I was her age,”
she pauses. “I was a lot different,” she says softly. “Mayyim is such a beautiful name. What does it mean?”

  “It’s Hebrew for water.”

  “That’s beautiful. Whoever named you must have wanted you to know how essential you were to them.” She runs her thumb over the back of her hand.

  She looks at her thoughtfully. “Do you think so?”

  “Yes. Has my son been treating you well? Is he a good husband?” she asks.

  “Yes. He’s wonderful.” She nods emphatically. “I don’t think I could ask for anything more.”

  “You have the glow of happiness about you. So does he. I’m glad. He hasn’t been happy in a long time. A long time.”

  “You’ve raised a wonderful man.”

  “It couldn’t have been me. If it was up to me, he’d be my only child and I would have loved him to pieces every day of my life. He’s been very special to me. And now he’s yours. Will you take care of him for me?”

  Mayyim smiles confidently and holds my mother’s hand in her two hands. “Yes. I promise.”

  “Make sure my grandchildren know how much they’re loved every day, okay?”

  “Yes.”

  Her eye closes and I’m terrified. I don’t want her to die in front of me.

  Mayyim looks at me and immediately squeezes me. “It’s okay. She’s resting.”

  She stirs but keeps her eye closed. “I fell in love with Ezra’s father quickly. He was more alive and honest than anyone I had ever met. I wanted him so badly that it hurt my heart. And he was so smart. No one gave him the chance, but they should have. I should have. He was wonderful. I didn’t deserve him,” she says quietly.

  Hannah is crying and I stand, tingling, wanting to run.

  “No, please stay.” My mother reaches for my hand in despair.

  Mayyim gets up and sits me back down. “I’ll get her.”

  Seeing her walk away makes my heart feel like it’s being strangled.

  “Ezra.”

  I look back at my mother. “Yes.”

  “I have some things I’ve been keeping for you that I need to give you. I’m sure you know Caleb isn’t your father.”

  It hits me like a bowling ball to the stomach. “Yes.”

  “He left you some things, and I should have given them to you already I just haven’t wanted to let you go. I like seeing your face.” She smiles wryly. “You’re so much like him. I couldn’t have him, but I’ve always wanted you.”