Easy

by Mercedes Siler

  “We all make mistakes.”

  “Why don’t you kiss to make sure there’s no hard feelings?” Mayyim grumbles sleepily.

  I look at her, now I smile at Jake. “Apparently she needs her sleep. I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” I watch him walk away. I pull on my dirty jeans from yesterday and slink away.

  He’s sitting on a dusty counter in the kitchen. He brought breakfast burritos.

  Apology accepted.

  He looks around. “This place could be awesome, you know.” He looks at the walls, picturing murals because that’s what he does.

  “What do you see?” I ask him.

  He looks at me like he has something major on his mind.

  “What is it?”

  He shrugs. “I guess I lost my place in the world.”

  He looks worried, but he shouldn’t be and I’ve done nothing to make him worried. “Love, don’t you know we go together? We’re brothers. Thick and thin. I go, you go, you go, I go.”

  “I wasn’t sure. I thought you got someone better to do the job.”

  “That’s not the way it’s going to work. She comes with me. She’s like my body and you’re something else. You’re my partner and she’s my person, you know?”

  He nods and loses it, covering his face with his hands. “I’ve messed up.”

  “What’d you do?” A part of me doesn’t want to ask because I have this tickle in the back of my mind telling me I don’t want to hear it.

  He shakes his head. He looks at me. “I called Abby early this morning. She told me about your mom. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I should have gone to do whatever with you. I didn’t want to disrespect your dad, though, ya know?”

  “Yeah.” That couldn’t be all that’s bothering him. “But Abby likes you for some reason, and she expected you to be there or at least call. So if you don’t like her back, let her know so she’ll stop mooning over you.”

  He nods. “The thing is, I do like her back. I do. But I’m not what she’s looking for, ya know?” He sighs and looks dejected. “Her daddy hates me, and look at me. What dad would like me? All I am is a walking nightmare.”

  “I told her about everything.”

  He looks at me, completely horrified.

  “If you guys are both liking each other she has a right to know.”

  He hangs his head low and won’t look at me.

  “So, how are we going to work the whole living arrangements thing?” I get on the counter next to him. There’s still something wrong but I’m not going to force it from him. “So, the house is in my name, not in yours. I’m thinking the best way to do it is to keep it that way and anything permanent we do to it as far as fixing it up will be paid by me so you’re not paying into stuff that isn’t yours. Then we can do the regular money system for food and household expenses, so if the food comes into the house by way of the community money then it’s communal? The bills go the same way?”

  “You mean I can stay?”

  “Yeah. This fell into my lap. When have we ever held out on each other?”

  “Fuck, man.” He looks around wildly. “I have cousins. We can get shit for cheap today. I just have to make some phone calls. And paint for sure.”

  “The water guy is turning the water on at ten, the rest of it sometime today.”

  He nods. “We’ll definitely need water before doing anything.”

  “How’s Isri?”

  “Not good, man.” He shakes his head.

  “Wanna talk about it?” Isri’s a heroin addict. He’s loyal to her but I don’t know if he loves her like that.

  “I was with Abby,” he says quietly.

  Out of the blue, totally talking about Isri. “What do you mean? Today? Is she okay?” She was pretty upset when we left.

  “No, I mean,” he lets out a breath and sits straighter, calmer and more resolved, “I mean I’ve been with Abby.”

  “Meaning…” I know what he means. I get off the counter because I want to see his dirty ass face. I try to keep my rage from getting out of control because I don’t want to get into any more fights.

  “I mean a couple of months ago when you had to go get Pauly with Darry and I stayed to sleep, she came looking for you and we started talking and one thing led to another.” He explains, trying to evade eye contact.

  “Hmph.” That’s all I can manage at this point.

  “And the night you left with the kitten and I told you she kissed me and that’s it? I lied to you. That wasn’t it. I lied because you flipped out when I even mentioned she kissed me.”

  Oh, God. I was right. I don’t want to know. “I don’t want to hear any of this right now.” This is dirty and unbelievable. “My bed, Jake? The one Mayyim is sleeping in right now?”

  “No. The kids were on your bed so we went to her room.”

  I can’t believe this. “Do you know what my dad would do if he caught you with her? In her room on top of everything else? Her room is a sacred no boys allowed place. Just like everything else of hers!” Oh my God. Abby?

  Why would Abby want Jake?

  Why would Jake want Abby?

  “I know. And it wasn’t fucking, it was different.”

  “I hope you know what you’re doing.” I am so filled with feelings of absolute betrayal. He lied to me. If he wants to deal with Abby then, whatever. I’ll eventually get over it, but he lied to me. I want to puke.

  “I know.” He’s hanging his head. “But you know what, bro? I hope you know what you’re doing too. Abby told me you married that kitten? What the fuck, man? Why wouldn’t you say anything to me? That’s low, man.”

  I frown. I am physically shaking with rage. “That’s lower than beating the shit out of Darry for doing the exact thing you were doing behind my back? That’s what he was talking about, wasn’t it? You fuck. You’re such a dirty fucking hypocrite and a coward, and everyone knew but me? This gash in my face is from you when you flew off the handle about someone sucking on your sister’s neck! I have a fucking weak spot on my brain and you could have killed me, all the while you’re lying to me about what you’re doing with my sister? You’re a complete fuckhead!”

  “I wish you would hit me.”

  “I’m not that low.” I lean on the counter and look out of the window in the breakfast area, cooling off for the sake of my brain. “Do you know how upset she’s been that you haven’t called?” That’s why she’s been so fucking upset. Now it all makes sense.

  “I know. I have to get myself straight first.”

  “When’s that gonna happen?” It could never happen.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Shit.”

  “I’m sorry I lied. I shouldn’t have. You don’t lie to me.”

  “No, I don’t. The getting married thing is not like it is for other people. She gets it. I get it. I didn’t say anything because no one else would get it. If you were there I would have had you walk me down the aisle, but you were off with Whore of the Week and her little sister. While, apparently, my little sister was at home waiting for you.”

  He’s still hanging his head, covering his face. “I’m sorry, Ezra.”

  I don’t even know what to say because it’s not okay.

  “Just hit me.”

  “No.”

  “I’ll send some guys over with appliances. Pay them what they ask for. I gotta go.” He hops off the counter, pulling out his keys.

  “Jake, you don’t have to go. I want you to stay.”

  “Yeah. I gotta do some stuff.” He walks away.

  “Jake, just because I’m pissed doesn’t mean I don’t want you around. I love you no matter what. I don’t want you to go back to Isri. She’s gonna bring you down, man. Just because I’m pissed doesn’t mean I want you to get hurt.”

  “I know. Maybe I just can’t be that guy.” He gets in his car and drives away.

  Fuck. Now I’m back in the house banging shit around. Fuck.

  “What’s going on?” Mayyim stands in the
dining room looking at me.

  I shake my head. I don’t know what just happened, but I don’t like it and I’m pissed. My chest hurts.

  “Is this one of those times I should leave you alone or ask if you want to talk about it?” she asks, scared of me.

  I don’t want her to be afraid of me. I need to get under control. “Wanna run to the beach with me?”

  “Do you want me to or do you want to go but don’t want me to think you’re leaving me behind?” she asks, looking in the breakfast bags.

  “Okay, I’m gonna go.” I kiss her forehead and run.

  I collapse onto the sand when I finally make it, my lungs stretched and burning.

  I look out at the ocean until my chest stops hurting. I keep thinking about Jake and my sister and I want to punch something, preferably Asshole’s head.

  I dig trenches with my hands and feet in the sand.

  And then I think of his sad, panicked face and I feel terrible.

  “The water guy turned on the water. I was going to clean everything before you came back but I thought you were probably starving like I am so I came here to get you first.”

  I look at Mayyim, standing in the sand next to me, barefoot. She’s wearing a white, one-piece bathing suit that fits her perfectly and she looks so fucking sexy because she’s not trying to. I can’t believe this girl is my wife. I married her. She’s going to have my baby, hopefully, and I’m going to be able to be a dad like I want to be.

  I pull her into my lap and look into her eyes. “You’re beautiful.”

  “Are you making sand castles? I can help. I’m a sand castle pro.” She smiles, playful, seductive.

  “Something else you’re a pro at?”

  “Yeah. What happened with your friend?” She looks concerned. She sits and plays in the sand.

  “The jackass did my sister. Can you believe that? And that’s not the part I’m pissed about. He lied to me, and he made her life hell while she’s thinking about what’s it all about, and why isn’t he calling her while she’s going through dealing with my mom dying?” I shake my head again.

  She frowns. “Didn’t he try to kill your other friend for shtupping his sister?”

  “Yeah. All the while he was shtupping mine.” I scowl.

  “Hmm. That’s pretty low.” She molds the sand into a cup. “What are you going to do? I mean, your sister’s a big girl and has to make her own decisions, but what are you going to do about him?”

  “Find his ass and try to stop him from self-destructing.”

  “Cece said she’s pregnant,” she says softly.

  My eyebrows immediately move together. “When did she tell you that?”

  “When we were at your other friend’s house. She said she felt it happen.”

  “That’s crazy. But if anyone’s crazy ass would know it would be her. Ugly babies.” Chills crawl up my spine. The screaming and yelling and the dirty, ugly kids.

  She smiles softly but it’s not reaching her sad eyes.

  “You’re jealous?” I look at her pretty face.

  She nods.

  “Why? You’re so young. Are you sure you want babies now?”

  “I know I’m young but the stupid doctor said my chances of conceiving were cut by half and the chance gets lower and lower the older I get. And I have this obsession with having my baby now so I don’t lose out.” She scrunches her nose and looks out at the ocean.

  “Is that why you married me? For my baby-making potential? Is that all I am? Good sperm?”

  “No. I married you because I wanted you and you wouldn’t put out. And because I’ve never trusted anyone with my life so completely as I immediately did with you. And why not spend the rest of my life with someone I trust implicitly?” She shrugs sweetly and looks back at me.

  Wow. Why did I wait so long to ask?

  “Why did you marry me?”

  That’s easy. “For a long time I didn’t think I could ever want or care about any woman at all because of what happened to me. I didn’t want to ever be with another girl again until I saw you, and I immediately cared about you like you were mine and I’ve felt that way the whole time.”

  She wraps her body around me and hugs me.

  And it’s a real hug.

  I haven’t had a real hug like this from a girl, ever. It makes me want to cry. What would she think of me if I did?

  I close my eyes, letting myself feel it deep into my soul. I’m warm and loved.

  She pushes her hand through my zingy hair and kisses me. “I love you,” she tells me softly between kisses.

  I love her, too. I love the way she’s holding me and kissing me and whispering she loves me. I wish I didn’t feel so numb. But with time and real love, and affection, it will go away.

  I love her for what she is for me, a second chance to live, and care, and love, and to live my dreams. I do feel it. I try to press my fingers into my eyes to stop the tears but it stings. So I stop and look at her. She looks at my face and I remember her looking at me like that when I was all beat up and concussed. “What is that face?” I ask her.

  “I know you’re hurt and I can feel it. I wish I knew how to make it all better. I wish there were Band-Aids for paper cuts to the soul.” Her eyes are full of tears.

  She’s beautiful. And so much more than meets the eye. “I love you, too.”

  “You have tears.” She wipes them away and my entire body catches on fire. It’s about sex, but it’s also so much more than sex.

  Nobody has ever wiped my tears away.

  When I was a little kid my dad wouldn’t let my mom hug me when I cried because it would make me less of a man. I knew it was wrong but what could I do? Beg for love? Then what’s it worth? And this little girl who doesn’t know directions can give to me so freely after everything she’s been through. I hold her in my arms and kiss her forehead.

  Stupid Jake. So much drama. If I didn’t have to worry about his ass I could be totally enjoying my life right now. But I guess we can’t control the cards we’re dealt. I’ll wait ‘til I have a phone to deal with that. Today I’ll enjoy my new life with my gorgeous wife, who is saying something. “What’d you say?”

  “I asked why you guys keep calling me a kitten.”

  I smile. “Because you’re a baby cat. Nice to sleep with and cuddle up to, and hold in your arms, and pet, and kiss.”

  She smiles knowingly, eyebrow raised. “And that’s it?”

  “Usually. But not in this case.” I kiss her forehead again. “So I have learned.”

  “You think I’m more than a warm body?” she asks, eyebrow still raised.

  “I think so. You seem to always have something insightful to say when needed.”

  “It’s funny to think other people have the power to judge insightfulness based on a few words here and there, but not when there’s nothing said at all. Who’s more insightful, then, the judge or the person being judged?” She looks at the ocean, wistful.

  “I’m not trying to be judgmental. I like you regardless. I don’t know much about you.”

  “It’s okay. People always think I’m dumb. You should see the way some people talk to me, like I’m five or mildly retarded.”

  “I don’t think you’re dumb. I think you’re mysterious.”

  She laughs.

  “Let’s go. I don’t want to miss the phone or electric guy. I’ll make you a baby right here on this beach at night under the stars, okay? But you have to wait ‘til it’s the right time in your whole girl cycle thing to make one.” I stand and pull her to her feet.

  “My girl cycle?” She dusts herself off and now me.

  I watch her go around, dusting the sand off my butt and legs. “Yeah, you know, when you’re all fertile and juicy, and you smell delicious.”

  “You’re that good? Maybe that’s why.” She smirks.

  I can’t resist an ovulating woman? Is that my problem?

  I give her a piggy-back ride because she’s barefoot. There’s a truck with three guy
s leaning on it. Jake’s cousin Juan is one of them.

  I put her down and use my rusty Spanish to see what’s going on and they tell me Jake told them I had a painting job for them to do, and I tell them I do.

  “What color?” he asks

  What color do I want my house? How the fuck should I know? I want it to be happy but I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m a complete asshole. I look at Mayyim who is glued to my side. “House color?”

  “Not white or yellow.”

  “Not pistachio.” I smile because she’s making a face. “Azul?” I ask them and they nod to each other like that’s a good choice. “Cuanto?” I ask.

  He says that for two grand he can paint the house and hook me up with a stove, refrigerator, washer, and dryer.

  “Including labor? Stove, refrigerator, washer and dryer?”

  He nods.

  Shit. Who knew painting a fucking house would be so expensive? Not bad for everything else. “Un momento.” I go in to get the money, Mayyim by my side, never straying. I count off the money from my backpack. I need to call the firm so I can start working. I don’t want to tap the big money yet. I don’t want to tap it at all until I’m done with school.

  I reluctantly give it to Juan. I nod to him and they leave and I see the gas guy coming. Fuck yes. Hot water.

  “Ezra?”

  Her voice sends exhilarated tingles up my spine. “Yes, Mayyim?” I turn to her.

  “Can I read the letters while you’re doing your thing?” She looks at me, timid.

  Before I can think about it I nod because she looks so sweet.

  I’m afraid the letters will make me enraged, or sad, or hopeless. But if she reads them and summarizes then it won’t be so bad. It’s amazing I never thought of getting married and having someone to share my stuff with before. “Yeah. Go ahead.”

  “Don’t forget to eat.”

  I am starving. I kiss her mouth and hate to see her leave but love to watch her go. She’s small but her ass and her thighs are amazing. Purr.

  She turns back to me and I’m caught and she grins.

  *****

  I called Cece and Abby to tell them our number and ask if they’ve heard from Jake. They hadn’t. I called around more but my heart wasn’t in it.