Easy

by Mercedes Siler

  Mayyim talked to her aunt for about an hour.

  The guys brought us super nice appliances. I didn’t ask where they came from. Unethical, but cheap.

  I take off all my clothes and pull the chain on the ceiling fan to full blast. She’s on her stomach in a t-shirt and undies, her feet in the air behind her, reading the letters.

  I crawl into bed beside her and lie on my side to look at her. Tears are running down her cheeks. She’s looking so intently at the letter in her hand that I don’t think she’s noticed me. “Hey. You okay?”

  Her eyes snap to me. “The baby was stillborn because her dad beat the hell out of her because she got knocked up. His mom was a Choctaw Indian and his dad was a Gypsy. His parents died, and his Grandfather raised him and used him as a translator because he spoke Choctaw. That’s how he and your mom met. Her dad was representing his grandfather and Caleb was on his team?”

  “He was probably an intern, working as a paralegal.”

  “Yeah. So they got together and she got knocked up, and her dad beat the hell out of her and Caleb saved her by getting her to marry him. So she did it because she didn’t know what else to do. But Joseph begged her to run away with him and she wouldn’t do it.

  “Caleb moved them to California to get away from him and he followed them eventually and that’s where you came from.” Tears are falling down her cheeks. “He wanted so desperately to see you and know you. All the letters after you are him begging desperately for her to let him see you. At first he was telling her to run away with him, but she said she couldn’t because Caleb said she was free to go but she would never see Abby again and she couldn’t leave her baby girl.

  “I think he gave up on her and that’s when he bought the house so he could be close enough to you so if she changed her mind he could be a part of your life. He talked to Caleb and he said she could leave if she wanted, but she wasn’t taking any of his children. She wouldn’t do it and he wanted you so bad.” She bites her lip and looks at me, tears welling up in her pretty eyes.

  I hug her.

  “Why would she do that to him?”

  “Don’t read them anymore, okay?” I smell her hair and feel her warm cuddliness. I can smell her and it makes me want her.

  “I have to see what happens.”

  “Not if it makes you sad.”

  “Will you tell me how to make love to you? Because I don’t know how.”

  “Then you’re a natural because you’re doing a great job. It’s like you’re a pro.”

  She smiles at me patiently, tears sliding down her cheeks.

  I smile back and help her put all the letters away. “I think the most important thing is to enjoy it yourself.”

  “Teach me!” She makes a crazy face at me.

  I laugh at her and turn off the light.

  Chapter 28

  I look at my room. We had it painted a soft sky blue. The other bedroom, too. I had them prime the rest of the house because Jake will want to paint.

  It’s peaceful. The windows are open and I can smell the sweet, salty ocean air and seaweed. The white sheer curtains are billowing in the breeze.

  I smell bacon and other breakfast smells. And I’m alone in my bed with no little kitten curled next to me.

  I get up slowly and pull on undies.

  Today is the funeral.

  I hope Jake will show. For me, and Abby. Cece said she will go, so Darry will be there. Pauly for sure, because his parents know my parents.

  This is Mayyim’s second thing as my active wife and the first public one. I like knowing I’ll have her by my side.

  I already have what I’m going to wear ready. Cece will come over and cut my hair first.

  I’m completely ready.

  I look in the mirror in the bathroom. My eyes are orange today. They look unnatural and heavy.

  I make my way to my kitchen where my wife is cooking breakfast. “So we don’t keep kosher?”

  She gives me a look and I come up behind her and touch her belly and up to hold her warm, soft breasts. She leans back against me, spatula in hand. I kiss her neck and she smells so appetizing. I put my hand down the front of her little undies.

  She mms and whispers, “You’re going to make me burn the bacon.”

  “If I let you cook the bacon will you come back to bed with me?”

  “Yes.”

  I let her go. I don’t want to but nobody likes burned bacon, right?

  I sit on the floor with my back against the wall, watching her move. We don’t have a table yet. Actual furniture is going to have to wait ‘til I get a real paycheck and not just drug and essay money.

  But we do have food in the house.

  She hands me a plate. “I know you don’t eat eggs, but I was hoping stuffed French toast was okay.” She gives me coffee and sits with her food next to me.

  My mouth is watering, which hardly ever happens. I usually just eat for sustenance. “Yeah. French toast is fine. Thank you. It looks delicious.”

  She eats indifferently, like the goodness of it was never in question. “No biggie. I’ve had to cook for myself for a long time.”

  Have I ever made myself something to eat? We’ve always had a cook. Or my mom. “I don’t think I’ve cooked anything to eat by myself.”

  She looks at me placidly. “That’s crazy, but that’s okay. I can teach you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You doing okay with the whole funeral thing today and everything?” she asks, back to eating.

  “Yeah. I’m hoping Jake shows because it’ll be good for him, and I can try to nab him and rein him in. But my dad thinks he’s the scum of the earth so I’m nervous about it.”

  “Your dad probably won’t care either way. He’ll have his own things to worry about.” She looks at me, concerned about my question evasion.

  I don’t know how I’m feeling. I’m anxious for it all to be over.

  “When are we leaving?” she asks, licking her fingers.

  “I have to be there early so probably twelve or twelve thirty or something. After I get my hair cut.”

  She looks at me with a sad face.

  “Don’t worry. I still look hot without so much of it.”

  “Do you think my pale pink is okay?”

  “I think it’s perfect for me and that’s all that matters.”

  She smiles and nibbles. “What do I wear?”

  “Do you have anything black? Baptists love their mourning attire.”

  She looks at me with worry eyes.

  “I’m calling Cece. She can take you shopping real quick. Yeah?”

  She nods.

  *****

  Cece came and chopped off my hair, leaving it respectfully and professionally longish-short. She left Teddy with me and Darry, and took Mayyim shopping. I keep praying for her to come back with something tasteful and that she won’t let Cece pick anything for her. As it was Cece was wearing a slutty black dress showing off all of her tattoos and four inch heels. She did bring a sweater and hat, though. Darry showed up okay wearing a white long-sleeve and black tie. No coat, but that’s okay. I have extras.

  I’m dressed and ready to go with my light gray shirt and black, three piece, two button designer suit and my Italian leather boots. I feel so classy and also self-conscious because my friends hardly see me as the guy who grew up with money. But my father would have spared no expense, and neither would my brothers, so if I didn’t wear my finest I’d also feel out of place.

  So now I’m waiting.

  Darry is annoying me with the whole guitar playing thing.

  I should get him a jacket to wear.

  I walk to my peaceful room and look in my closet and pull one out.

  I never cared about how I looked or the clothes in my closet until I met Jake. The first time he saw my closet I swear he creamed himself.

  I miss Jake. I wish he was here instead of Darius.

  “Hey, Easy. Cece and your girl just pulled up.”

  I turn
around and hug Jake like no other. “Love! You’re fucking here!” I can’t believe I’m fucking crying. He hugs me back with the same intensity and I’m so glad. “I was just saying in my head how much I wished you were here and how much I miss you.”

  “I missed you too. I wouldn’t beg off on being here for you when you bury your mom. I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m not gonna do you like that.”

  “Thank you.” I don’t know what else to say. It’s like my family is here and complete and I can feel okay about life. I pull away from him and look him over. Nice black suit, black shirt, black tie and jacket. His sandy hair is combed, and his light brown eyes are foggy and sad. He’s wearing his cowboy boots.

  Mayyim is in the doorway, waiting. She’s so pretty in a simple black dress, with a smoke colored sweater with these flowery things sewn onto it.

  It’s like my world has stood still. Her light pink hair looks ethereal with the rest of her, especially her unmade-up face. I love that she’s my wife and we go together.

  “Cuchorra, muy bonita,” Jake breathes. He crosses to her and hugs her and kisses her hands and she blushes.

  She smiles. “Thank you. You’re handsome, yourself.” She straightens his collar and tie and turns to me. She takes me in like I’m the yummiest piece of chocolate cake she’s ever seen and she wants to eat me.

  God, give me focus. “We should go.”

  We load up and go to the church.

  They all sit in a pew towards the back of the church looking relaxed and comfortable. Mayyim and I stand at the front with my brothers and Stacy, with whom Ben has, apparently, recently become engaged.

  I wonder why that happened.

  Abby stands next to me holding Hannah, and I hold Micah. It’s hard and it makes me feel like crying because he doesn’t understand what’s going on. It’s hard to know what to say when he asks me questions. He doesn’t understand the concept of death, or sleeping and never waking. Try to explain what never and forever mean to a four-year-old. It’s impossible. Why are we here? Why is mama in that bed? Why can’t she wake up? Why are people crying? Why are we standing here? When are we going home? When is mama going to wake up?

  It’s making me edgy.

  Abby trades me babies. She kneels next to Micah, talking to him quietly.

  “Boys,” Mr. Jones addresses us. “This is your mother’s brother Russell, he’s your uncle. Russell, these are the boys, Benjamin, Zechariah, and this is Ezra, here, and Micah.”

  He’s probably a little older than my mother was and he looks a lot like her. He shakes my brothers’ hands. He pauses, seeing my eyes. He frowns as he shakes my hand.

  I introduce my wife. “This is my wife, Mayyim.”

  “Nice to meet you.”

  “Boys, this is your grandfather. Judge, these are the boys. This is Benjamin.” He pauses to watch the old man shake his hand and half hug him shakily. “This is Zechariah.” He does the same. “And this is Ezra.”

  He looks at me with what I think is hatred burning in his old eyes. He nods and grabs onto Russell, turning away from me.

  I guess bad blood runs deep.

  Caleb introduces Abby and Micah. The old man touches Abby’s face and it gives me the creeps.

  “This is your other uncle, Ray.”

  I shake his hand and he smiles at me. “I’d know those eyes anywhere.” He nods at me. “Your great grandfather is still alive and would like to see you,” he tells me quietly against my ear while hugging me. He pats my arm. “Who’s this?”

  I reel with curiosity, my hands shaking. “This is Hannah, my baby sister, and this is my wife Mayyim.”

  He shakes Mayyim’s hand. “Good to meet you.” He turns to me. “I left mine at home. She’s about due any day now so she couldn’t take the flight. Russ’s wife stayed with her which was nice.” But he shakes his head negatively to imply his wife is probably not having a great time right now.

  I smile. “We have one of those, too.” I nod towards Ben and Stacy as she glad-hands everyone with an ugly, fake, grief-stricken smile.

  “I was a year older than your mother. She used to tag along with me a lot.”

  I nod. “My sister Abby is ten months younger than I am, so I understand.”

  He smiles warmly. “She was one of my closest friends before the whole fiasco with her and the boy.” He talks quietly, just to me. “He was my age. I knew him from school but he was a loner. Always sat and read books. They lived in a shack on the reservation. Those eyes kept a lot of people away, I think. I didn’t know how smart he was ‘til my daddy started working on his grandfather’s case and that’s when Judy met him. Our mama died young and my daddy gave her the house responsibilities while we ran free. When Caleb and Judy left, I struck up a little friendship with him. He loved her, she just never knew what it was to be free.” He has tears in his eyes. He looks a lot like Hannah. “You guys have a beautiful family. I’m sure she was proud of all of you.”

  “She kept me from him. I never met him.” It stings and that’s why I’m telling him. I have to let someone know how wronged I feel.

  He nods. “It broke his heart. But I reckon it’s hard to choose between freedom and love, and security and family.”

  “I’d like to know anything you know. And how to get in touch with my grandfather.”

  “Yes, sir. I’d like to tell you. We’re on Caleb’s hospitality. Will you be at the house after the service?” he asks.

  “Yes, sir.”

  He nods and moves on.

  “What was that about?” Abby whispers.

  Mayyim puts her arm around my waist and I blink back tears. I hand her the baby and try to compose myself. I press my eyes with the heels of my hands, the pain in my chest growing with grief and relief. I lean toward Abby. “You know I’m not one of you, don’t you?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Caleb Jones is not my father.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “Because it’s true. Look at me. I look nothing like you.”

  She looks me over with a frown, taking in the zingy hair, the eerily orange eyes, and the dimples, and the lips like she’s seeing me for the first time. I’m a full head taller than all of them, and lean and tall, not broad and stocky like my brothers.

  “It’s okay. I knew for a long time but mom told me before she died. My real father is dead but Ray just told me my great-grandfather is alive, hopefully doing better than that guy.” I nod toward our mutual grandfather.

  She breathes, looking at him with a shudder.

  The mortuary guys motion for us to take our seats in the front row and we do. Abby, Mayyim and I sit at the end of the row. I hold Micah in my lap and he lies against me, falling asleep quickly. I’m glad he’s sleeping through all the talk about sinners, and hell, and eternal hellfire, and going to heaven, and how hard it is to get in. I don’t believe any of it. I pray to God during the whole thing so I don’t get wrapped up in it all. Hearing all that makes me mean and agitated and I’m already on shaky ground.

  Mayyim rests her head on my shoulder sweetly. Hannah is sleeping, too. I get to look at Abby. What’s going to happen to her? The same thing that happened to our mother? She obviously has gumption otherwise she wouldn’t have screwed Jake and got away with it. But my mom did the same thing and could have lived her own life, but didn’t. What is Abby gonna do?

  It’s hard to think about leaving Micah and Hannah behind, especially now that their mother is dead, too. But how do you sacrifice your life for someone else? Would I be able to do that if Abby wasn’t around? I don’t think so. I don’t have the self-sacrifice and duty built into me. I go where there’s food.

  The service is forever long but it’s finally over. I switch Micah to Abby gently so as not to wake him. Abby looks so exhausted and sad. She gives me her cheek to kiss and I do, and I look at Mayyim and her loving expression, and I kiss her and it feels so sweet.

  It’s not customary to carry the burden of your own dead love
d one but she requested it. So I have to stand and bear the weight of my dead mother along with my brothers, and father, and uncles which is hitting me like it tried to this morning. There’s a strained feeling in my throat. This is the last time I’m going to see my mother and it’s when she’s not at her best. That’s hurting me, making my chest hurt like it does when I need a cigarette. Quitting smoking was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life at this point.

  I look out at Mayyim and Abby. There are tears running down Abby’s cheeks and Mayyim has moved to sit beside her to hold her hand.

  My friends are standing in the back. Jake is holding baby Teddy. He gives me a reassuring smile and motions toward the girls, asking if Abby’s okay. I nod my head. She’s okay.

  I’m glad he’s here. I hope whatever is going on between them, they make the right choices. He’s a good guy. I couldn’t choose anyone better for her. But she’ll have to choose him over everything else because Caleb Jones is not going to have whatever is going on with them going on in his house, and I don’t think either one of them is ready to be on their own.

  They’ve closed the casket and my dad takes his place at the top. On the other side is Ben, then our uncles. Zech is in front of me and I’m next to Ray. It’s not customary, but I don’t think anyone wants anyone else to.

  Stacy has moved to sit on the other side of Abby. It would be nice if it wasn’t for show.

  We lift and walk.

  Jake comes to crouch in front of Abby, Teddy in arms. I can see him taking her hand and talking to her and it looks like she’s listening but I’ve lost sight and I hope for all concerned my dad didn’t see it at all. I focus on the task at hand and for once my military school training is useful because I’m able to fall in with dignity, with my head level and emotion in check. But that burning knot is stuck in my chest and my heart.

  If she was alive she’d reach her hand out and put it over mine with a sad, reassuring smile.

  My emotions aren’t in check. I keep thinking it over and over.

  Damn.

  You have to think of something else, Ezra.

  Okay, the ocean. Mayyim’s eyes. Making love and making babies. Funeral food. My friends, who are my family, coming to give me their support at my mother’s funeral. Maybe after this whole thing I can kidnap Abby and we can have a bonfire at the beach.