Laugh Yourself Healthy

by Charles Hunter

  By that time, the man took his hat off, threw it on the floor, stomped on it, and said to his wife, “We would have been here a lot sooner if you hadn’t fed us all those vitamins!”

  For years, Archie and Jack argued about whether Jesus was white or black. Archie was certain Jesus was white, but Jack was just as certain He was black. As fate would have it, they both died on the same day and raced to the pearly gates to see who was right.

  “St. Peter,” they shouted, “is Jesus white or black?”

  About that time Jesus walked up and said, “Buenos días.”

  A conversation with God

  A young man was having a conversation with God. “God, how much is a million dollars worth to You?” he asked.

  God replied, “To Me, it would be worth but a penny.”

  Then the young man asked, “How much is a million years to you?”

  God answered, “Why, it would only be a second in eternity.”

  The young man paused to gather up his courage. “Then God,” he continued, “could I have a million dollars, please?”

  To which God replied, “Wait just a second.”

  Getting into heaven

  Forrest Gump went before St. Peter at the Golden Gate. St. Peter welcomed Forrest, but said, “You need to answer three questions correctly before I can allow you to come into heaven. The first question is, ‘How many Ts are there in a week?’”

  Forrest thought for just a second and replied, “There’s two—today and tomorrow.”

  “That’s not what I expected,” replied St. Peter. “But I can’t say you’re wrong. The second question is, ‘How many seconds in a year?’”

  Forrest thought for a little bit and answered, “12—January 2nd, February 2nd, etc.”

  St. Peter scratched his head, shrugged, and again admitted that he’d have to accept that unusual answer. “Now,” said St. Peter, “for the third question: ‘What is God’s first name?’”

  This time Forrest did not hesitate at all. “Andy,” he replied.

  “Forrest, this time I just can’t accept that answer. Can you explain it?”

  “Sure,” instantly replied Forrest. “It’s in the church song—‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.’”

  Too little, too late

  A man arrived at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter opened the gate and said, “I’ve been checking your file. I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I’ll tell you what—if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, I’ll admit you.”

  So the man answered, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of thugs attacking a poor man along the side of the road. So I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron, and walked straight up to the gang’s leader—a huge, ugly guy with a chain running from his nose to his ear. Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, ‘You all leave this poor man alone! Go home before I teach you a lesson you’ll never forget!’”

  Impressed, St. Peter asked, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did all this happen?”

  “Oh, about two minutes ago.”

  Fond memories

  Tragically, three friends died in a car crash and found themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they were each asked the same question by St. Peter: “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning for you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

  The first guy said, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.”

  The second guy said, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and schoolteacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

  The last guy replied, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

  Things under consideration

  Why does everyone want to go to heaven, but I don’t know anybody who wants to die?

  seven

  NUTRITIONAL HUMOR

  I’M TAKING CARE OF MYSELF

  I walked around the block three times this morning . . . then I picked up the block and threw it in the toy chest.

  Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  One fellow walked into a doctor’s office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance information and told him to have a seat.

  Fifteen minutes later, a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

  A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said. So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, and an electrocardiogram. Then she told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

  An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. “Shingles,” he said.

  The doctor said, “Where?”

  He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

  The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

  Yes, it works

  A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. “How much do they run?” he asked the clerk.

  “That depends,” said the salesman. “They run anywhere from $2 to $2,000.”

  “Let’s see the $2 model.”

  The clerk put the device around the man’s neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this string down to your pocket,” he instructed.

  “How does it work?” the customer asked.

  “For $2 it doesn’t work,” the salesman replied. “But people talk louder after seeing the string.”

  Stereotypes

  On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right, honey; I’ve had a course in first aid.”

  The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point, the woman tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

  To tell the truth

  Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director said, “Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.”

  Several people spoke, admitting their excesses. Then one obviously overweight member said, “I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.”

  “Hmm,” said the manager. “And are you sure you have nothing else to add?”

  “Well, yes,” admitted the member. “I lie extensively.”

  If people were not meant to have late-night snacks, why did God put a light in the refrigerator?

  Why do drugstores make the sick walk to the back of the store for prescriptions, while healthy people buy cigarettes up front?

  Short and cute

  A practical medical school in Switzerland gave each graduating student a batch of ten-year-old copies of TIME magazine—so patients wouldn’t think they were new in the business.

  Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I always write, “A very good doctor.”

  PAM: Did you hear about the new chocolate bar called Jaws?

  SAM: No, I haven’t. What does it cost?

  PAM: An arm and a leg.

  A well-done compliment

  The customer called the waiter over and said, while pointing to his steak, “Didn’t I tell you, ‘Well done’?”

  The waiter replied, “Thank you, sir; I seldom get a com
pliment.”

  Do it yourself

  The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market to buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. It took her a while to settle down before she could explain why she was so upset.

  Finally she explained, “I don’t think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables. When I couldn’t find them, I asked him for help. He didn’t know what I was talking about, so I said, ‘These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’

  “And he said, ‘No, ma’am. You’ll have to do that yourself.’”

  A man walking along the road saw an Indian with his ear to the ground. He went over and listened.

  The Indian said, “Large wheels, Ford pickup truck, green color. Man driving with police dog next to him. Colorado license plate and traveling about seventy-five miles per hour.”

  The man was amazed and said, “You can tell all that just by listening with your ear to the ground?”

  “Ear to the ground nothing,” the Indian said. “That truck just ran over me!”

  Medical history

  A ninety-five-year-old woman had a baby, thanks to medical technology. She agreed to be interviewed by many local media companies and agreed that they could all come one afternoon to meet her and the little one.

  That afternoon, local and national newspaper and TV companies invaded her house. The small cottage was overrun with relatives and reporters.

  After interviewing the new mom, the interviewers asked to see the baby.

  “Not yet,” answered the new mother.

  After more questions, the reporters again asked to see the new baby.

  “Not yet,” sweetly replied the new mother.

  “Well,” complained the reporters, “when can we see the baby?”

  “When she cries. I forgot where I put her.”

  Good advice

  A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came over to get his order. Feeling lonely, the man replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.” When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Where’s the kind word?”

  The waiter bent down and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”

  New on the job

  Why did the new nurse buy red magic markers before reporting for work on her first day? She wanted to be prepared in case she needed to draw blood.

  This and that

  A panhandler walked up to a well-dressed woman who was shopping on Main Street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten anything for four long days.”

  She looked at him and said, “I wish I had your willpower.”

  In pain

  While working as a navy nurse in a military hospital, Anna was required to introduce herself by her rank and full name. She usually introduced herself as Ensign Anna Payne, but one day she rushed into a patient’s room and blurted, “Hi, I’m Ensign Payne.”

  The patient slowly responded, “I’m in some pain too.”

  Herbs for youth

  At a health-food store a man asked for an all-around herbal combination. The owner recommended one he said he’d sold for over sixty years.

  Dubious, the fellow took the bottle to the cashier, a really stunning young lady. As he was paying, he asked, “Has your boss really been selling this stuff for sixty years? He looks to be a lot younger than I am.”

  “Can’t really say, sir,” replied the young woman. “I’ve only been working with him for forty years.”

  Healthy birth

  Bill had lived all his life in a city of smog-spewing factories. All his life he had been frail and sickly. After his parents died, he decided to move to a healthier climate out West. So he packed up his few belongings and settled in Phoenix, Arizona.

  On his first day there, he took advantage of the beautiful skies and clean air to go for a walk in a local park. There he sat down on a bench to enjoy the day. Soon a very healthy and good-looking young man sat down on the bench beside him.

  “Say,” said Bill, “is Phoenix really as healthful as it seems?”

  “It sure is,” replied the good-looking young man. “Why, when I came here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t even have the strength to walk across a room. I was so weak I had to be lifted out of my bed.”

  “Goodness!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

  With a smile on his face, the young man answered, “Since I was born.”

  A really nice place?

  Between her sophomore and junior years at college, my daughter Laurie waited tables at a rather seedy steakhouse. One evening she waited on a well-dressed young couple. In a rather condescending tone, the man asked her, “Tell me, have you ever thought of going to college?”

  “Actually, I do go to college,” Laurie politely replied.

  “Well, I went to Harvard,” he said surveying the restaurant, “and I’d never work in a place like this.”

  “I go to Vassar,” Laurie retorted, “and I make it a point to never eat in a dump like this.”

  Feeling good (really)

  Farmer Joe decided his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company whose truck caused the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer questioned Farmer Joe. “At the scene of the accident, didn’t you say ‘I’m fine’? And now you’re claiming injury?”

  “Well, let me explain,” began Farmer Joe.

  “No need to explain. Just answer the question.”

  At that point, the judge interrupted and allowed Farmer Joe to explain.

  “Thank you, Your Honor,” said Farmer Joe. “I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning, and I knew she was in trouble. Soon a highway patrolman came up, walked over to Bessie, saw her extreme condition, and shot her between the eyes to put her out of her misery. Then he came across the road to me. He had his gun in his hand, looked at me, and said, ‘Your cow was in such bad shape that I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’ Naturally I looked up, saw the gun, and answered, ‘I’m fine, really, I’m fine.’”

  Solution

  Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. “You don’t seem to be worried about anything anymore.”

  “I hired a professional worrier for $1,000 a week,” Tom replied. “I haven’t had a single qualm since.”

  “A thousand a week! I know you don’t have enough money to pay that kind of bill!”

  “That’s his problem,” calmly replied Tom.

  Making the grade

  First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia, and ptilosis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago, and neuritis.

  I don’t know how I managed to get through it all. It was the hardest spelling test I’d ever had.

  Misunderstanding

  “Waiter, come here at once,” the agitated diner called. “Can you explain why there is a footprint in the middle of my food?”

  “Yes, sir. You ordered an omelet and told me to step on it.”

  Hunger

  The restaurant where I took my kids for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. A harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

  I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless, when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. “Hey, Dad!” commented my youngest. “It sounds
like someone just got their food!”

  Dying of thirst

  A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

  Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out for sale. The parched wanderer asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst. Can I have some water?”

  The man replied, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your clothes.”

  The desperate man shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you nut! I need water!”

  “OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there about five miles is a nice restaurant. Walk that way. They’ll give you all the water you want.”

  The man thanked the peddler and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.

  Three hours later, he returned to the table where the man sat with the ties.

  The man at the card table asked, “I told you—about five miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”

  “I found it all right. They wouldn’t serve me without a tie.”

  Free advertising

  John told all his friends about the great steak he’d eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down to see if it really was as large and delicious as John was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they’d ever seen.

  “Now see here,” a very embarrassed John said to the waiter. “Yesterday when I came here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have invited my friends, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?”

  “Well, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the window.”

  The gourmet

  A sign in the restaurant window read: “We can fix any dish you ask for. If we don’t have it, you will be paid $200.” Thinking that was a pretty good deal, the man went in and sat down at a table.