Laugh Yourself Healthy

by Charles Hunter

  The waitress came over to take his order. He said, “I’ll have roast elephant on rye bread; hold the mayo.”

  The waitress snapped her gum, stuck her pencil back in her hair, and walked into the kitchen. All of a sudden, the man heard screaming and yelling, pots and pans being thrown and dishes breaking. The kitchen door slammed open as the owner came charging out.

  He put two one-hundred-dollar bills on the table and said, “I can’t believe it. I’ve been in business here for ten years, and this is the first time I’ve run out of rye bread.”

  A little boy’s prayer: “Dear God, please take care of my daddy and mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of Yourself, God. If anything happens to You, we’re gonna be in a big mess.”

  “I will take a meal out occasionally, but I never go to the same restaurant twice,” a man remarked.

  To which his friend quickly replied, “I don’t leave a tip either.”

  I’M ON A DIET

  Good reply

  A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

  Stress diet for women

  Breakfast: 1 grapefruit, 1 slice whole-wheat toast, 1 cup skim milk

  Lunch: small portion of lean, steamed chicken; cup of spinach; cup of herbal tea; 1 Hershey kiss

  Afternoon snack: the rest of the kisses in the bag; tub of Häagen-Dazs ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

  Dinner: 2 loaves of garlic bread; 1 family-size supreme pizza; 3 Snickers bars

  Late-night snack: whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

  Diet thoughts

  • The most fattening thing you can put in a banana split is a spoon.

  • The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat. It’s watching what other people eat.

  • Dieting: going to some length to change your width.

  • Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two . . . alone.

  Thoughts

  The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become good friends.

  The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books about how not to eat what you’ve just learned to cook.

  The hand of God

  An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

  “This is a very special coffeecake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.’ And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”

  Shorties

  “May I take your order?” the waiter asked.

  “Yes, how do you prepare your chicken?”

  “Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

  Musings

  If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

  Rules of chocolate

  How do you get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car? Eat in the parking lot.

  Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite.

  A nice box of chocolates can provide your total intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

  I’ve started a new exercise program. Immediately after waking in the morning, I always say sternly to myself, “Ready? Now up, down, up, down.” And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, “OK, now let’s try the other eyelid!”

  Kid kwickies

  “What will you do when you are as big as your father?”

  “Diet,” replied the young boy.

  Larry’s girlfriend hit him with a tough line: “Larry, you’re the salt of the earth, but, unfortunately, I need to cut the sodium out of my diet.”

  Friend to friend: “My dad still has the first two loaves of bread I baked for him. He uses them for bookends.”

  THOSE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS

  Losing a patient

  While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost fifty years ago.

  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face and stooped posture was too old to have been my classmate, I decided.

  After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

  “Yes,” he replied.

  “When did you graduate?” I asked.

  He answered, “In 1955.”

  “Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed happily.

  He looked at me closely and then asked, “What subject did you teach?”

  Three short puns

  As the X-ray tech walked down the aisle to say the marriage vows with her former patient, a co-worker nurse whispered to a doctor seated next to her, “Wonder what she saw in him?”

  Easy solution

  Ken sought medical aid because he had bulging eyes and a persistent ringing in his ears. A doctor looked him over and suggested removing his tonsils. The tonsillectomy resulted in no improvement.

  Ken then consulted a dentist, who suggested that removing his teeth might eliminate the problem. All of Joe’s teeth were extracted, but still his eyes bulged out and the annoying ringing in his ears continued.

  A third doctor told him bluntly, “You have six months to live.”

  Feeling doomed and gloomy, Ken decided to treat himself right while he still had time, so he bought a flashy car, hired a chauffeur and a gardener, and was measured by a tailor for some new suits. To go along with the new suits, he decided that even his shirts would be made to order.

  “OK,” said the shirt maker, “let’s get your measurements. Hmm, thirty-four sleeve, sixteen collar . . . ”

  “No, I wear a fifteen collar,” Ken corrected him.

  “Sixteen collar,” the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.

  “But I’ve always worn a fifteen collar,” said Ken.

  “Listen,” said the shirt maker, “I’m telling you right now—if you keep on wearing a tight fifteen collar, your eyes will bulge out, and you’ll have ringing in your ears.”

  Medical instructions

  A man went to his doctor and told him that he wasn’t feeling well.

  The doctor examined him, left the room, and came back with three bottles of pills. He told his patient, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

  Startled at being put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “My goodness, Doc, exactly what’s my problem?”

  The doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

  A visit to the doctor

  Whenever I accompanied my aunt on her visits to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. It seemed inevitable that—no matter when she scheduled her appointment—she’d have to wait.

  One day when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.

  “I need to get your weight today,” explained the nurse.

  Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and forty-five minutes.”

  A day late

  A doctor knocked on his patient’s hospital door one evening. The doctor told him he had good news and bad news.

  “What’s the good news, Doc?” asked the patient.

 
“I’m sorry to have to tell you, but you have only twenty-four hours to live,” answered the doctor.

  “Whoa . . . Doc! If that’s the good news, what’s the bad news?” asked the anxious patient.

  “I meant to tell you yesterday,” replied the doctor.

  Professionals

  While attending a convention, three psychiatrists took a walk. “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one psychiatrist said, “but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we’re all professionals, why don’t we hear each other out right now? After all, if we can’t trust each other, who can we trust?”

  They agreed to this.

  The first psychiatrist confessed, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as much as I can.”

  The second admitted, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

  The third psychiatrist said, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

  Some common sense

  An old man limped into the doctor’s office and said, “My knee hurts so bad I can hardly walk!”

  The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused, and then said, “Sir, how old are you?”

  “I’m ninety-eight,” the man announced proudly.

  The doctor just sighed and looked at him again. Finally he said, “Sir, I’m sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you’re complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?”

  The old man replied, “Well, young man, my other knee is ninety-eight years old too, and it doesn’t hurt!”

  Etiquette

  A pediatric nurse entered one of the examination rooms to give an immunization shot to a little girl.

  When the little girl saw the nurse enter, she began screaming, “No! No! No!”

  “Lizzie,” her mother scolded, “that’s not polite behavior.”

  At that, the girl yelled louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!”

  Doctor, doctor

  “Doctor,” whined the patient. “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”

  “Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”

  “No,” replied the patient, “just these spots.”

  If all the people who fell asleep in church were laid end to end, they’d be much more comfortable.

  Help, please

  Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband (he wouldn’t go with her).

  “Doctor, my husband has this problem—almost every night now he dreams he’s a refrigerator!”

  “My dear,” replied the psychiatrist, “that is not really a problem. Many people dream that they are somebody or something unusual.”

  Sophie leaned forward as she softly whispered, “But you see, doctor, it is a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake all night.”

  Modern medicine

  A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally the nurse spoke to his doctor about it.

  “Don’t worry about a thing, nurse,” the doctor assured her. “He really does have a bump on his head. Halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”

  Clever lad

  Because of an ear infection, my young son had to go to the pediatrician. We were new in town, and this was our first trip to our new doctor. I was impressed by the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.

  “Is there anything you are allergic to?” he asked Casey.

  Casey nodded, leaned over to the doctor, and whispered in his ear.

  Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

  Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food and drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

  As per the doctor’s instructions, it read, “Do not take with broccoli.”

  Doctor, doctor

  A yuppette went into the doctor’s office. “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. No matter where I touch my body, I experience horrible pain,” she complained.

  “Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

  She took her finger and pushed on her elbow, screaming in agony. She then pushed on her knee and screamed, then on her ankle, screaming again.

  And so it went. No matter where she touched, her agony was apparent.

  The doctor said, “Your problem is not really as difficult as you think. You see . . . your finger is broken.”

  Following doctor’s orders

  A patient visited her doctor. “Doctor, it’s been one month since my last visit, and I still feel miserable.”

  “Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?”

  “Absolutely. The bottle specifically said, ‘Keep tightly closed.’”

  Quickies

  What is an eyedropper? A clumsy ophthalmologist.

  My mom just told me that she became an octogenarian on her last birthday. It’s her life, so I guess she can do whatever she wants. I just hope she doesn’t will them all her money.

  Professional solution

  My husband, a marriage counselor, often refuses to accompany me to parties and get-togethers. He says that so many people spoil his evening by asking him for advice. One day I saw my doctor, and I asked him if this ever happened to him. He told me that it happened to him all the time, but he had come up with a perfect solution.

  “Oh?” I asked, thinking I could pass the advice on to my husband. “What do you do?”

  “When someone starts talking about symptoms, I stop the conversation with one word—‘Undress,’” the doctor explained with a smile.

  The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

  “Why are all the blinds closed?” she asked the doctor.

  “Well,” the surgeon responded, “they’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.”

  Surprise

  A woman went to a doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

  An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

  The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What is the matter with you? Ms. Terry is sixty-three years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

  The new doctor smiled smugly and answered, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”

  Giddyap

  “Doctor,” Esther begs the psychiatrist, “you’ve got to help my husband. He thinks he’s a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours; he eats hay!”

  “I’m sure I can help him, but it will cost a lot of money.”

  “Money is no object—he’s already won two races.”

  GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS

  After his examination, his doctor took Dan into the room and said, “Dan, I have some good news and some bad news.”

  Dan said, “Give me the good news first.”

  “They’re going to name a disease after you.”

  Checkup

  An older man went to the doctor for a checkup. During the after-checkup consultation, the doctor gave the old man some really good news: “You’re in great shape for a sixty-year-old man.”

  The old man looked at the doctor and asked, “Who said I’m sixty years old?”

  Surprised, the doctor asked, “You’re not sixty? How old are you?”

 
; “I’ll turn eighty next month,” the old man proudly stated.

  “Gosh!” exclaimed the doctor. “I’m always curious about genetics. Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?”

  “Who said my father is dead?” asked the patient.

  “You mean he’s not dead?” exclaimed the doctor.

  “Nope,” stated the old man. “He’ll be one hundred and four this year.”

  “With such a good family medical history, your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.”

  Again the old man asked, “Who says my grandfather is dead?”

  “He’s not dead?!”

  “Nope, he’ll be one hundred and twenty-nine this year, and he’s getting married next week.”

  “Why at his age would he want to get married?” exclaimed the doctor.

  “Who says he wants to?”

  Virus

  A man returned to the United States from a trip overseas. Not feeling very well, he went directly to the hospital from the airport. After a barrage of extensive, expensive tests, he woke up to find himself in a private room.

  The bedside phone rang. He picked it up and heard, “This is your doctor. We have discovered that you have an extremely contagious virus, so we have placed you in total isolation. We’re putting you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

  “Will that cure me?” the patient asked hopefully.

  The doctor replied, “Well, no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

  Cured

  Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a cup of coffee, one asked, “What was your most difficult case?”

  The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out; he never did anything. He merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man for eight years. It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years I worked, but I finally cured him, and then that stupid letter arrived!”