Laugh Yourself Healthy

by Charles Hunter

  One of his colleagues leaned over and whispered to him, “Say something.”

  The dean, now filled with infinite wisdom said, “I should have taken the money.”

  Looking on the bright side

  An applicant was seated in front of the human resources director. The director scanned the young applicant’s résumé.

  “I must say . . . you’ve been fired from every job you’ve held. There’s not much positive in that!” said the director.

  “Oh, I disagree, sir. At least I’m not a quitter!”

  Good question

  Charles was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business. They drove past huge houses and ended by the shore.

  “Look at that yacht,” he said as they drove slowly past a marina. “That ’96 beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there is owned by the head of Goldman and Sachs. And look at the huge one out there. That’s the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache.”

  His friend was silent. Charles turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.

  “What’s the matter?” Charles asked.

  “I was just wondering,” replied his friend. “Why aren’t there any customers’ yachts?”

  Successful prescription

  A regular customer at George’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

  “Tell me, George, what makes you so smart?” he finally asked one day.

  “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” George replied, lowering his voice so the other shoppers couldn’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it—fish heads. You eat enough of them, and you’ll be positively brilliant.”

  “You sell them here?” the customer asked.

  “Sure, only $4 apiece,” said George.

  The customer bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn’t any smarter.

  “You didn’t eat enough,” said George. “You need to eat many more than that.”

  The customer went home with twenty more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back, and this time he was really angry.

  “Hey, George,” he said, “you’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

  “You see?” smiled George. “You’re getting smarter already.”

  Two lawyers walked into the office one Monday morning, talking about their weekends. “I got a dog for my kids this weekend,” said one.

  The other attorney replied, “Good trade.”

  Defensive response

  A young lad was watching the village blacksmith. The blacksmith began work, and the boy continued watching him shape a white-hot horseshoe.

  After the blacksmith finished, he threw the hot horseshoe over into the corner to cool.

  The boy went over to pick it up, and the blacksmith warned him that it was still very hot.

  The boy ignored the warning and picked up the horseshoe. He immediately dropped the horseshoe and began waving his hand in the air.

  “Hot, wasn’t it?” reminded the blacksmith.

  Refusing to acknowledge his error, the boy replied, “Nope—it just doesn’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”

  Shorties

  An executive was interviewing a nervous young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality, so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone living or dead, who would it be?”

  The girl quickly responded, “The living one.”

  A man got a note from his brother-in-law. He said his catering business was terrific. In fact, he said that he now had enough money to last him the rest of his life—as long as he died by next Tuesday.

  Short and funny

  Two male co-workers were eating lunch one day. One man said to his friend, “My wife talks to herself a lot.”

  His friend smiled and answered, “Mine does too, but she doesn’t know it. She thinks I’m listening.”

  Ego time

  A Hollywood producer called his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the telephone one evening.

  “Hello,” answered his friend.

  “Hi, Tony,” said the first producer. “This is Harold! How are you doing?”

  “Great!” said his friend. “Listen to this! I just signed a multimillion-dollar deal with a major studio. I just sold a screenplay for over a million dollars to a hot new director. I have a new TV series that’s coming on the air next month, and everyone says it’s going to be a big hit. I’m doing great! How are you?”

  “Fine,” said the first producer. “Listen, Tony, I’ll call you back when you’re alone.”

  Quite a coincidence

  A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. Fortunately, the insurance company paid for everything.”

  “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company paid for everything.”

  Puzzled, the lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

  Quickies

  “I would like some vitamins for my son,” the mother said as she walked into the pharmacy.

  “Vitamin A, B, or C?” asked the pharmacist.

  “It doesn’t matter. He can’t read yet.”

  Quick thinking

  The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign that read, “Best Deals.” He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, “Lowest Prices.”

  The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, “Entrance.”

  Better reconsider

  Two construction workers were working in the field on an extremely hot day. One pointed to the supervisor and said to the other, “Hey, how come we have to do all the work and he gets all the money?”

  The other shrugged and said, “I don’t know. Why don’t you go over there and ask him.”

  So the first worker went up to the supervisor and said, “Hey, how come we do all the work and you get all the money?”

  The supervisor answered, “Intelligence.”

  The worker asked, “What is this intelligence?”

  The supervisor put his hand on a tree and said, “Hit my hand as hard as you can.”

  The worker wound up and with all his might tried to hit the supervisor’s hand. Just as he almost did so, the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the tree!

  The supervisor explained, “That’s intelligence.”

  Still hurting, the worker went back to his co-worker, who looked up and quietly asked, “Hey, what did he say?”

  With a sheepish look on his face, the first worker puts his hand on his face and said, “Hit my hand as hard as you can.”

  Son-in-law

  A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family by making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

  The son-in-law responded, “I hate factories; I can’t stand noise.”

  “I see,” replied the man. “Well, then, you’ll work in the office and take charge of the operations.”

  “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

  “Think a minute. I make you a half-owner of a successful business, and you turn down all positions. What am I going to do with you?”

  “Easy,” said t
he young man. “Buy me out.”

  The city slicker

  A fellow owned a big ranch down in south Texas. His sister and her city-slicker husband came to visit. Trying to impress the city dude, the rancher took him to a large porch at the rear of the house. He pointed toward the horizon and said, “I can drive all day in that direction and never get to the property line.”

  “I know what you mean,” replied the city slicker. “I used to have a car like that too.”

  More shorties

  The blacksmith was instructing a novice in the way to treat a horseshoe. “I’ll bring the shoe from the fire and lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

  The apprentice did exactly as he was told, but he never hit a blacksmith again!

  A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. “Are you hiring any help?” she asked.

  “No,” he said. “We already have all the staff we need.”

  “Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?” she asked.

  Thanks?

  A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a farmer twenty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. He said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you’d be pulling people out of the mud day and night.”

  “Can’t. At night I haul water for the hole.”

  A farmer was passing the insane asylum with a load of fertilizer. An inmate called through the fence, “What are you hauling?”

  “Fertilizer,” replied the farmer.

  “What are you going to do with it?”

  “Put it on my strawberries.”

  “And we put cream on ours, and they say we’re crazy,” the inmate countered.

  Five cannibals were appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss said, “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other employees.”

  The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the boss returned and said, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?”

  The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which of you nuts ate the janitor?”

  A hand raised hesitantly, and the leader of the cannibals scolded, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders, supervisors, and project managers, and no one noticed anything. And you have to go and eat the janitor!”

  An employee went to the payroll department to complain that his check was ten dollars short.

  “But our records show that you were overpaid ten dollars last week,” the cashier responded, “and you didn’t complain.”

  The worker replied, “An occasional mistake I can overlook, but not two in a row.”

  An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”

  The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was, “Why?”

  The applicant answered it anyway. “Never got caught.”

  SPORTSMANSHIP

  The fisherman

  One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

  About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman. “You should be working rather than just lying on the beach!”

  The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled, and replied, “And what will be my reward?”

  “Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!”

  “And then what will be my reward?”

  The businessman replied, “You will make money, and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”

  “And then what will be my reward?” asked the fisherman.

  “Then you can buy a bigger boat and hire some people to work for you!” the businessman answered in an exasperated tone.

  “Then what will be my reward?” persisted the fisherman.

  The businessman became angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”

  Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will be my reward?”

  The businessman was red with rage when he shouted, “Don’t you see that you can become so rich that you will never have to work again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”

  The fisherman, still smiling, said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”

  Short stories

  One day a Scotsman went playing golf. He asked the boy standing beside him, “You are the caddie for today?”

  “Yes,” answered the boy.

  “You are good at finding lost balls?”

  “Oh, yes, I find every lost ball!”

  “OK, boy, then run and search for one. Then we can start!”

  Smart thinking

  Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot—everything except the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”

  Said the other ant, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on that ball!”

  Cooperation

  At one point during a baseball game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? Do you understand what a team is?”

  The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

  “Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” continued the coach.

  Again the little boy nodded yes.

  “So,” persisted the coach, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand that?”

  Once more the little boy nodded.

  “Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

  Modern technology

  A husband and wife enjoyed taping programs on their VCR. They were known among their friends and family to be quite knowledgeable about taping. When their son and his expectant wife were visiting one day, the son asked, “Mom, if Sandy goes to the hospital on Super Bowl Sunday, would you tape it for me?”

  Since his mother disliked football, she protested, “Me? Tape a game?”

  “No, Mom,” corrected the son. “The delivery.”

  Point of view

  Some railroad laborers who had never seen golf were working near a course one morning. They were intrigued by the game and spent a lot of time watching the players. They saw a golfer knock the ball into a rut and have a hard time extracting it. Then he hit it into a sand trap and almost failed to get out.

  Finally he had a good shot, and the ball trickled directly into the cup. Whereupon one of the workers who had watched the previous difficulties said sympathetically, “Now mister, you are really in trouble.”

  Golfing

  A golfer hit his drive on the first hole three hundred yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods.

  He was angry, but he went into t
he woods and hit a very hard 2 iron, which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

  When he arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter opened his big book, looked down the list, and said, “I see you were a golfer. Is that correct?”

  “Yes, I was,” he replied.

  St. Peter said, “Do you hit the ball a long way?”

  The golfer replied avidly, “You bet I do! After all, I got here in 2, didn’t I?”

  Super Bowl tickets

  Bob won a ticket to the Super Bowl on a local radio station. On game day he loaded up the car, drove to the stadium, and found his seat, which—of course—was in the nosebleed section.

  A couple of minutes into the first quarter, Bob was watching the game through his binoculars and noticed there was a man on the fifty-yard line—right next to an open seat. Every couple of plays, Bob checked, and the seat stayed vacant. Shortly before halftime, Bob decided that if the seat was still open at the beginning of the third quarter, he was going to try to claim it.

  The seat stayed open, and Bob decided to go try it. He made his way down and asked the gentleman next to the seat if the seat was taken.

  The man replied, “The seat was supposed to be for my wife. We haven’t missed a Super Bowl in thirty years. Sadly, she just passed away.”

  Bob, embarrassed, said, “I’m very sorry to hear that. I’m sure it must be difficult coming to the Super Bowl alone for the first time in thirty years. But gosh, these are the two best seats in the stadium. Couldn’t you find any friends or relatives to come to the game with you? After all, it is the Super Bowl!”

  “No,” the man replied. “They’re all at the funeral.”

  Welcome to America

  Jose had lived in San Juan all his life, and he had one desire—to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. He loved baseball; he loved the Yankees. So he worked and saved until he could afford an airplane ticket to New York during the baseball season.

  He arrived in New York and made his way to Yankee Stadium, only to find the game sold out. His disappointment and story touched the manager’s heart, and he agreed to let Jose sit way out in the bleachers behind the flagpole.