Undefinable

by Renea Porter

  I let the hot water cascade over my battered body from the fight and weeks of eating sleeping, and breathing training. I love it though, I thrive off of it. Tomorrow is an exciting day as I will be moving into my own apartment. Maybe Cash and I need the space from each other. We are practically doing everything together.

  After my shower I settle on the couch as the thoughts fill my mind until I finally fall asleep.

  ***

  I wake to the bright sunlight drifting into the apartment. Stirring on the couch, I look at the clock and it read noon. I am shocked to find I have slept so late in the day and Cash never even woke me up.

  Throwing the sheets back, I get up to make some toast and see a note on the kitchen counter. Opening the note, I read Cash’s hand writing.

  Sorry I didn’t wake you up. You just looked so peaceful. But here is the key to your new apartment. I may have moved some things from my storage in there for you. Have a good, relaxing day.

  Yours, Cash

  I reread the words and notice he wrote Yours, Cash. A smile plays across my lips as I touch them remembering the kiss from last night. I have to wonder if he left just to avoid me. I couldn’t help but think that since I never heard him moving around this morning.

  I flip my hair to the side, trying to put my mind at ease as I make my breakfast.

  Chapter Nine

  With my bag and key in hand, I head up to my apartment. Opening the door, I am disappointed I can’t share this moment with Cash. Stepping inside, I look around and see it is an exact replica of his place as I walk through the living room and the kitchen off to the right, and a small hallway separates the living room and kitchen area. The hallway leads me to a bathroom on the left, my bedroom on the right and the laundry room at the end of the hall to the left.

  Making my way back, I throw my bag into my room on the bed. Back in the living room, I see the furniture; a love seat type couch and a plush recliner. I am thankful this came as a furnished apartment. Sitting on the love seat, I call Vanita on the cell phone that Cash made me get a few weeks back.

  An hour later, and Vanita and I are shopping downtown.

  “I’m so glad you called. I can use some shopping therapy,” Vanita says, as we walk along the shops.

  “I desperately need to add to my wardrobe and get some things for my place. Cash was nice enough to help me out, and thankfully my apartment is already furnished, otherwise I’d be sleeping on the floor.”

  “I bet this is so different from a month or so back,” Vanita mentions about me being homeless.

  Being homeless makes you appreciate the things you normally take for granted. And I appreciate everything.

  “Very different,” I tell her.

  “So back to Cash,” she says, smiling. “Is there something going on between you two?”

  “What do you mean? He’s my trainer, that’s all,” I say, brushing it off.

  “Well I catch him looking at you sometimes and it looks like he wants to have you for dinner,” she says.

  I burst out laughing at her comment.

  “Well, he is too fucking gorgeous for his own good. But it’s strictly platonic between us,” I lie.

  “Okay, if you say so. But you do know you can confide in me, don’t you?”

  “I do, and I appreciate that.”

  We walk into a boutique and start to look around. Scanning the racks, I pick out a dress, a few pairs of jeans, and a few off the shoulder tops to complete the look.

  By the end of our shopping excursion, we put the bags in Vanita’s car then decide to get something to eat.

  “I’m starved after all that shopping,” Vanita says, as we grab a booth inside a local restaurant.

  “You and me both. Sheesh, who knew I would actually like shopping for myself,” I tell her, sitting across from her.

  She chuckles. “Get uses to it.”

  ***

  Vanita drops me off at my apartment. We literally spent all day shopping and just gabbing like girls do when they get together. I am thankful for the friendship and having someone to call a friend besides Cash. And having a shopping buddy was an added bonus. I pull my bags off the floor and place them on the couch and go through all the stuff I bought. I even bought a few trinkets, figured I might as well start collecting something so I bought a few lighthouses, since I loved them so much. I cut the tags off the clothes so I can get them washed before wearing them.

  Vanita was even nice enough to take me grocery shopping for a few things. My apartment feels like home now. I settle on the couch when I hear a knock on the door.

  Answering it, I am greeted by Cash. “How’s the apartment?”

  “Come in. Vanita took me shopping and I just got home,” I tell him holding the door open for him to come in.

  “How do you like it?”

  “I love it. I really appreciate you helping me get it and the TV is huge,” I tell him. “It’s nice to have my own place.”

  “I just wanted to come up and see how it’s going. Gym tomorrow?” He shoves his hands in his pants pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels.

  “Yes, gym tomorrow. Another day off and I’ll be bored.” I smile.

  “Okay, well, have a good night then.” He waves heading back out. I want to hug him but my feet won’t budge. And I know I wouldn’t want to stop at just a hug.

  My body craves his touch. I shut the door behind him and turn back to my couch. I will actually be sleeping in my own bed tonight. I am thankful that this is actually my life now. In the bathroom I check my eye again in the mirror; it is completely cleared up from the street fight. I have no more reminders of that day.

  Pulling the shower curtain back I step inside the shower to take a hot shower. My muscles need it.

  ***

  CASH

  Stepping into her new apartment it was all I could do not to take her into my arms and hold her and kiss her and roam my hands all over her gorgeous petite body.

  Staying away today didn’t do me any favors, all I did was think about her and how much I wanted her, but now it was more of a need for her. I am frustrated beyond belief and I need some sort of release. A release that would get Cheyanne out of my system, so I stoop low enough to text an ex of mine for a booty call. I’m not proud of myself for making the call.

  Bianca is at my place in fifteen minutes flat. Answering the door, I pull her inside and we both quickly start undressing each other. I start walking backwards to my room as we kiss. She is a stark contrast to Cheyanne. She has long charcoal hair, brown eyes and fit. Any man with eyes would see how beautiful she is, but we weren’t meant to be together. She was too jealous of the fighters I trained. But a booty call now and then is what we did when the need arose.

  And this was a time where I needed her, to be inside her to forget the blonde beauty upstairs. “No talking,” I tell her.

  We cross the threshold of my bedroom and we fall onto the bed, with me on top of her. She invites my tongue inside her mouth, while my hands roam her familiar body. I hike her short dress up and fumble with her thong. I break from the kiss to pull her thong off.

  “Oh Cash,” she moans.

  “Shh,” I press my finger to my mouth. “No talking,” I state.

  She giggles as I throw her thong on the floor as well as losing her dress. I crawl over her and devour her neck with licks that tickle her. She wraps her arms around my neck as I continue to kiss her full lips. My hand works over her breasts, twisting her nipples and making them hard. Reaching my hand in between her legs, she already feels wet for me.

  A moan escapes my throat at how wet she is for me. Sex has always been awesome with her out of all the rest.

  Her eyes are filled with lust and hooded. “Cash, please take me now,” she whispers against my neck.

  I discard my boxers, pull a condom on and thrust myself into her. “Oh god,” she whimpers against my mouth.

  She tightly grips the sheets as I thrust into her one after another. Arching her back, she convulses
as we both come. I groan into her neck as I push inside once more.

  “Oh Cash, you are the best lover,” she coos. She stands up to use the bathroom and I curse myself for calling her.

  She comes back into the bedroom pulling her thong and dress back on. “I wish we did this more often,” she admits.

  I pull my boxers back on. “Bianca, Babe,” I wrap my arm around her waist, “I probably won’t be calling you anymore.”

  “Oh you say that every time we do it, Cash. There is no shame in a booty call. And I’m honored you call me for it.”

  “No, really, this is for real. I won’t be calling you anymore.”

  “Okay, whatever you say, Sugar.” She kisses me before leaving and I escort her to the door.

  “Drive careful,” I tell her.

  “Always do. Thanks again.” She winks before turning her back to walk to her car.

  I meant what I said; I won’t call her again. Especially not if I wanted to take things to another level with Cheyanne, and I need to get to the doctor stat for a disease checkup.

  Bianca was a good distraction for a mere one hour. Now Cheyanne still crosses my mind. Actually, I was imagining that Bianca was Cheyanne. Bianca and I dated about a year ago, but she couldn’t handle my job; she even insisted I quit if I wanted to be with her. Every now and then we get together for a quickie, but that was all it ever was lately, a quick fix.

  I pop a beer open, take a quick shower, and then sit on my balcony watching the moon. I look at the stars wishing life was different. Wishing I had Cheyanne in my bed, so I could hold her and tell her how I felt about her.

  Heading for bed, I hope the blonde beauty upstairs invades my dreams. She is the only one I can imagine myself with, the only one I see a future with even though we shouldn’t be together. My feelings continue to grow for her and I don’t know how my dad would take it if he found out. Would he fire his only son?

  My father has never been in a position to fire any one. No one ever gave him any trouble to cause him to fire them. And I really didn’t want to be the first to get fired by my own father.

  Maybe since he’s in love and about to get remarried he would understand. Now that was a thought. My eyes are drifting and I wonder if perhaps Cheyanne is thinking about to me too.

  I feel like an ass for getting laid by an ex and thinking of Cheyanne. Kissing Cheyanne felt right, but loving her felt wrong.

  Chapter Ten

  Cheyanne

  The pouring rain against the window wakes me up. I lazily stretch in my bed, as a smile plays across my face. My bed. It feels amazing to say that. Even though it is raining, I am ready to get the day going. Flipping the sheets down I pad to my kitchen, pulling out the pancakes from the freezer for breakfast.

  I wonder if Cash is making breakfast as well. My thoughts are always consumed with him. It’s nearly impossible to stop thinking about him, especially since we see each other pretty much every day.

  After breakfast, I change and throw my hair into a tight bun for training and head to Cash’s apartment, to see if he can take me with him. I knock twice before he answers it.

  “Good morning,” I say, pushing my way inside while he gets ready.

  He groans. I’ve never seen him so, exhausted looking.

  “Go get ready; I’ll make you something to eat,” I instruct as he sits with his coffee mug.

  “How’d you sleep last night?”

  “Like a rock. Best sleep I’ve had,” I respond.

  He runs his hand through his unruly hair and pads away to go get ready. He seems so off this morning. I slip some toast into the toaster and get the eggs going in the hot pan. By the time he comes back out I have his food ready. He is wearing dark blue track pants and a white tee shirt with the gym logo on it. The shirt hugs his chest and arms, and he looks buff. I try desperately not to gawk.

  “Okay, let’s try this again. Good morning,” he says, sitting on the stool lined along the kitchen counter.

  “Good morning, Cash,” I smile, pushing the plate in front of him.

  I help myself to some coffee while he eats.

  “Rough night?”

  “You can say that.” He shoves the fork in his mouth.

  “Are you not sleeping well? Is it because you miss me being here?” I ask sarcastically.

  He chuckles. “Ha ha.” He brings the coffee mug to his lips.

  I bump his shoulder with mine being playful. He smiles at me.

  “Thanks for breakfast. Now let’s get to the gym,” he says.

  At the gym Cash trains me and Vanita. We alternate with the punch bag and grappling in the cage then later in the evening we head to the track. Once we make it back to the gym, Vanita heads in ahead of us when all of a sudden a tall brunette bombshell approaches Cash. She looks like a fucking Barbie and I hate the way she is looking at him.

  “Hey there, Cash,” she coos.

  “Bianca,” he says.

  I watch as she leans in close to whisper but loud enough for me to hear. “Last night was amazing. We’ll have to do that again soon,” she says with a flirty tone in her voice.

  I want to gag.

  “Now, I told you that won’t be happening again.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’ll catch you later, Doll,” she says, walking past us.

  “What was that?” I ask.

  “Oh, nothing,” he brushes it off.

  “So it’s your business if I screw someone during my spare time, but I don’t have a say in who you screw in your spare time?”

  “It’s nothing, it’s not happening again. It was a one-time thing, and I regret it. Are you happy now?”

  “Well, she is beautiful.” It doesn’t surprise me that Cash would be with someone that looked like that. In fact, they looked great together.

  “Yeah, do you think we can meet back here in an hour? I have an appointment before we head back to the apartments.”

  “Sure, I’ll see you then,” I say, walking into the gym.

  An hour later, I’m showered and ready to head home for the day. It’s Friday and the gym decided to close for the weekend, giving everyone a much needed break for the upcoming holiday, even though I feel like I just got back into it. My next fight is next weekend so this week coming will be nothing but eat, train, and sleep.

  “Everything okay?” I ask as Cash approaches me.

  “Yep, good as new,” he says. “Ready to head home?”

  “Ready,” I say.

  It is hard not imagining Cash and the brunette Bianca being together. I can’t get the image out of my head. But if he says it was a one-time thing, I won’t hold it against him. Not that I had any real right to hold it against him….Still, a feeling is bubbling up inside me. Most people would call it jealousy.

  ***

  Cash and I take the stairs to my apartment. I don’t know why he insists on walking me to my door, the building is safe. Once we turn the corner to my apartment, I hear knocking and curiously I look and see someone is knocking on my door. I stop in my tracks and take in the woman in front of me; I look exactly like her, only her younger version.

  I look up at Cash and he gives me a confused look. If I were him, I’d be confused, too, being that I told him my mother was dead. Looking at my mother again, she looks much older than her forty two years.

  “Can I help you?” I know who she is but I’m not sure what to say. I couldn’t exactly say Hi Mom; it’s so good to see you. That’d be a lie.

  She turns and sees me and starts to cry. She cups my face in her hands, looking into my eyes, the same color as hers.

  “Oh, Sweetie, you’re more beautiful than the last time I saw you,” she cries.

  The last time she saw me was two years ago. She had no problem asking me, her daughter, for money. I gave her what I had and did without just so she would go. She never mothered me and hasn’t since I was five years old. It was a hard truth to swallow. Not even my own flesh wanted me.

  I pried her hands from my face. “Thanks. What are you do
ing here? How’d you know where I live?”

  “I asked around; seems you got yourself together pretty nicely,” she says smiling.

  I step in front of her and unlock my apartment so we all can go in. Cash remains quiet, but I see the concern written on his face.

  “Is this your boyfriend?” she asks, motioning her hand to Cash.

  “No, he’s a friend. Cash, this is my mom,” I introduce.

  “Nice to meet you.” He reaches his hand out for her to shake.

  She grips his hand and shakes it. “You can call me Candice.”

  He gives her a weak smile.

  “So, like I asked, what are you doing here?”

  “I’m your mother. I came to see how my only daughter is doing,” she states, planting a smile across her face.

  “Are you still using, because you look like shit?” I ask.

  I could tell what I asked her made her uncomfortable, especially in front of Cash.

  “I think I’ll go and let you two work this out. Chey, you know where I am if you need me.” He steps to me, giving me a hug and kissing me on my forehead. Cash hadn’t hugged me in a while and it felt nice how he protectively held me. That was one place I always felt safe, in his arms.

  Even though he probably wasn’t happy that I lied, he is still worried about me.

  “Would you like something to drink? I have water, soda and fruit punch,” I say, looking inside the fridge.

  “Punch, please,” she responds.

  “Have a seat and I’ll get us a drink.” I pull the punch out and poured us both a glass. Walking back into the living room, I hand her a glass and sat in the recliner while she sit on the couch.

  “It’s a nice place you got here,” she says nervously.

  “I know you’re not here for a social call, so what do you need?”

  How pathetic is it that she isn’t really here to see how I was, or how I am getting along in the world? It makes my heart hurt to even think about it. It’s why I always blocked her out.

  “Cheyanne, please stop. I wanted to see how you’re doing.” She’s on the verge of tears as her eyes well up.