Undefinable

by Renea Porter

  I try to remain calm, keep myself from completely breaking down. It is hard keeping my anger in, but I know he was with her right before we got together; it made me sick to think about her being in his life for the next eighteen years at least. I want to throat punch her and kick her in her twat.

  “Say something. Please don’t hate me,” he begs.

  “We’ll just deal with it when the time comes. The good news is you’ll know sooner than later since she is just about far enough along to get the test done.”

  “Yes she said it’s a non-invasive prenatal paternity test and it’s almost 100 percent accurate.”

  Could I help him raise a child that wasn’t mine? That thought plagues me.

  “Don’t get me wrong; I want kids one day, but I want it to be with the person I’m in love with. You have to hear me when I say I was never in love with her. But you are different. I’ve fallen hard for you and my feelings have never wavered, even when you shattered my heart, I still longed to touch you and just be with you. Fuck, this day is not going how I wanted it to go. I brought you here to tell you that I love you and I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend, officially, but now that’s all gone to shit.”

  “I don’t think I can handle any more news from anyone. I think I’ve had my fill for my lifetime. And the answer’s yes, I’ll be your girlfriend. Can we please get the hell out of here?”

  “You mean you aren’t mad? How can you say yes when I might be a father?”

  “Like we always say, we will take it one step at a time. I can’t say I’ll be happy if you are a father to a child that I won’t be carrying. I’m selfish and I don’t want to share you. But if it comes to it, we’ll deal with it.”

  “God, I fucking love you.”

  “I love you, too and we’ll get through it.”

  Cash pays the food bill and we head back to one of our place. “You’re my angel on Earth.”

  I try to push the negative thoughts of Cash being a father in the back of my mind. I had my mom to worry about, and just then my phone rings inside my purse.

  Cash continues to drive while I answer my phone.

  “Hello?”

  “This is she.” I hold my breath as I wait for the update from the nurse.

  “Oh thank god. When can I see her?” I lean my head on the back of the seat, breathing a sigh of relief. At last, some good news.

  I hang up the phone and thank whoever heard my silent prayer.

  “Was that the hospital?”

  “Yes; my mom pulled through. They are running some tests and said I could see her tomorrow.”

  “That’s wonderful news.” He squeezes my knee.

  “It is.” I feel a sigh of relief. I know my mother and I need to talk and she would have an important decision to make on getting clean. It seems like maybe this could be her wakeup call.

  Cash pulls into the apartment complex and parks alongside the curb. “Your place or mine?”

  “Mine,” I state. I need more memories of him in my apartment Hell; I just want more of him.

  “I’ll meet you up there in five,” he says.

  I nod.

  Inside my apartment, I strip leaving a trail of my clothes, leading the way to my bedroom where I wait for him, naked and needing him. By the time he reaches my room, he is naked as well and I let out a giggle.

  “I like this; you naked in bed, already waiting for me.” He crawls over me, kissing me, his tongue invading my mouth, and I wrap my arms around his neck. I moan into his mouth. He is all I need, all I ever want. He loves me unconditionally. I don’t deserve it, but I devour it.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I wake in Cash’s arm. We are practically spooning and I hate to get out of bed, but I need to get to the hospital. “Babe, I need to get to the hospital,” I kiss his cheek.

  He smirks. “Well, good morning girlfriend.”

  “Good morning, boyfriend,” I tease.

  “First things first, let’s get you fed,” he says, jumping out of bed.

  ***

  After breakfast, Cash drops me off at the hospital while promising to come back later to see how my mom is doing; he thought giving us some private time would be better. I hesitantly walk in the room, not knowing what I would be walking into. When I walk in she was sitting up and having a conversation with the nurse. Her voice is raspy, from the tubes that were in her mouth that are no longer there.

  “You gave us quite a scare, lady,” I profess.

  “She was here most of the day yesterday,” the nurse tells her.

  Even though she has been in a coma, she looks way better sober. The nurse excuses herself. I grab the chair and pulled it to her bedside.

  “You were here?” she asks.

  “I was, I was worried. Mom, what happened?”

  She starts to cry. “I haven’t heard you call me Mom in such a long time.” I wait patiently as she gathers herself. “It was an accident. I really did try to get better, but then I started back up after being sober a week and it was too much. I’m sorry I scared you.”

  I lightly kiss her hand. “Please tell me this was a wakeup call. Please say you’ll get help for real.”

  “I just can’t get over what I did in my past, leaving you the way I did. I don’t deserve you,” she states.

  “Listen to me; that is all in the past. And if you are willing to get help, I’ll be willing to forgive you and we can rebuild our relationship. Do you think I like not having my mom around? I don’t. Even at eighteen I need you. I need you more than ever. Please tell me you’ll get help.”

  “I will, I promise. I want to get better; I want us to be better.”

  “We will,” rising from my chair, I hug her. “How do you like the flowers?” I point.

  “They are beautiful, really beautiful,” she says.

  “They’re from me and Cash.”

  “I think my daughter is in love. It’s clearly written on your face. What’s changed since I last saw you?”

  I smile and sat on her bed by her legs, facing her.

  “So much has changed. Cash and I are a couple now. But there’s so much more to talk about.”

  The doctor I met the day before appears in the room. “Well, look who woke up.” He smiles as he looks over her chart.

  “When do you think you can release her?”

  “We’re going to keep her for another day or two for observation, but if everything checks out you’ll be good to go.”

  “Thanks doc.”

  He leaves the room, putting her chart back into the slot outside her room.

  “That’s really good that you’ll get released so soon,” I say, excited. “And you are staying with me, and I don’t want to hear any fuss.”

  “Cheyanne, Baby,” she tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, “I don’t want to impose. You have no reason to trust me and that’s something I want to earn. You’re in a new relationship and I don’t want to come in between that. You finally have everything you achieved to get.”

  I hold her hand against my face. A mother’s love knows no bounds, but a daughter’s love is just as powerful. “I told you, you are coming home with me. You aren’t imposing. Please stay. I promise as long as you are getting clean you can stay with me.”

  “She’s right you know,” Cash booms as he comes into the room, his voice makes me smile. He bends down to hug my mom. “Good to see you, Candice.”

  He turns and kisses me, letting it linger a little longer than necessary, causing me to blush.

  “It’s good to see you, too, Cash,” she says.

  She turns to me. “He looks good on you.” I blush.

  “Well duh,” he jokes. We all three laugh. “I am now the proud owner of the gym. You are now officially sleeping with the boss.”

  “Cash!” I lightly push him, giggling. He chuckles.

  “Alright, Mom, I’m going to let you get some rest. I’ll call you later and check on you. Be good.” I brush my lips on her forehead and hug her.

 
“You two kids behave now.”

  Cash hugs her and she whispers in his ear. “Be good to her, that’s all I ask.”

  “Always,” he replies.

  He wraps an arm around my shoulder and I can’t hold the tears any longer.

  “Don’t worry; these are happy tears. I finally get to make things right. It felt nice talking to her like mother and daughter.”

  He turns my head to kiss it on the side. I officially love this man; I don’t care about anything else. Only we existed, in our world.

  “I love you, Cheyanne, nothing will ever break that.”

  “I love you, too,” I blink back the tears.

  He is right. Nothing stands in our way; nothing and no one can break us. We have been through enough already, that nothing stands a chance against us. We share an unexplainable connection. Before I would have said it was undefinable, but now we are officially a couple. We still have to deal with the paternity test in two weeks, but I figured we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

  “I’m glad she pulled through,” he says as he drives to the apartment.

  “Me too. How was the gym earlier?”

  “It was good. My father handed over the company, and I already owned half anyway. And I made an announcement to the fighters and the trainers that I’d be taking over completely. Everyone seemed to take the change well.”

  “That’s great,” I say.

  I smile, knowing we could go public with our relationship; we were actually boyfriend and girlfriend. And in a few weeks we’ll know if he’s the father of the baby Bianca is carrying. I’m not sure how I’d deal with it. Am I prepared for this? I’m only eighteen.

  “Do you want to train today?”

  “Yes I need to relieve some stress,” I smile lazily.

  “You’re brave.” He smirks. “Just remember in the gym we need to keep it as professional as possible.”

  “Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything less. So I was thinking I need to get a car so I’m not always relying on you.”

  “You know I don’t mind; it’s what couples do.” He smirks. “But I might know someone that has a car for sale. I can give them a call.”

  “That would be great. You’re the best.” I lean over and kiss him before exiting the car.

  In the locker room, I change into my gym clothes and throw my hair into a tight bun on top of my head.

  “Hey, how’s it going?” Vanita asks as I sit and adjust my shoes.

  “Okay; I have a lot going on, so I’m ready to relieve some of this stress.”

  “Isn’t Cash relieving it for you?” she quips.

  “Ha Ha. I’m sorry I lied to you before, but no one could know and I was trying to figure out what we were myself.”

  “Oh no, I understand. I might have a thing for Nathan, but we have never crossed that line.”

  “Oh, so someone has a crush,” I giggle. “He’s definitely cute,” I add, smiling.

  “See you out there,” she says, leaving me to finish up. Nathan is another trainer we work with and he is not quite as gorgeous as Cash but he’s definitely easy on the eyes with his muscled body, his reddish blonde hair, and blue eyes, and he’s about six foot six. He’s kind of intimidating and sometimes a little too intense.

  I smile meeting Cash back in the main area, but he is having a heated conversation with his father. I can see the strain on his face through the glass windows to the office and I wonder what is being discussed. So instead of intruding, I make my way to the cardio room and put my ear buds in and I jump on the treadmill.

  The fight I have scheduled this weekend weighed in the back of my mind. So far I haven’t lost a fight and I don’t intend on losing any if I can help it. This fight ahead of me will be no different than those in the past. I still train just as hard and not let fear get to me. The goal is to instill fear into my opponent. And from what I hear, Vanita is fighting the main girl that held me down when I got jumped.

  And three days from now my mom was getting out of the hospital and I was hoping she would be able to see me fight if she felt up to it.

  Cash finds me in the cardio room. “Sorry I kept you waiting.” His jaw clenches.

  “What’s wrong? It looked pretty heated in there,” I say, slowing down the elliptical.

  “It’s nothing you have to worry about; just a little disagreement.”

  “Okay. What do you want me to do?”

  “Let’s get some practice in the cage. Oh and I called Joel, who has the car for sale, and he said we can come by later and look at it.”

  “Awesome.”

  ***

  Between training and the trips to the hospital, it is all catching up with me and I am feeling especially tired today. But today my mom is getting released from the hospital and I finally have my own car, which I got two days ago. It isn’t much, but it will get me from where I need to go and back. I bought it off of one of Cash’s friends. It’s a 2010 Camry. From my research they last a long time and Cash assured me it was solid after looking it over.

  So now I am in my trusty new car heading to the hospital. I am thankful Cash made the call on getting it, because I can’t always rely on him and I don’t want to. Having my own apartment and my car makes me feel more adult and now I have responsibilities to make me act more adult.

  I know having my mom live with me will probably be a challenge and I have to juggle my social life as well as my career with her in it. But I don’t regret for one second telling her to stay with me. This is my way of keeping an eye on her and I can take her to appointments and meetings.

  I arrive at the hospital and make my way to her room. “Look who’s ready to leave,” I say, entering her room.

  She beams. “There’s my beautiful daughter.” She reaches out for me and I hug her.

  “Has the doctor been in?”

  “He just came in and signed the release papers, and made me promise to come in his office in two days.”

  “Okay, well I have a car now, so I can drive you to appointments and stuff,” I assure her.

  “I really hate putting you out.”

  “You aren’t putting me out. My apartment is small, but we will make it work. And I can keep my eye on you,” I admit.

  “Yeah I know.”

  “Trust me; it’ll be great,” I hope. “Maybe if you are well enough, you can come see my fight in two days.”

  “Wait a minute. My daughter fights?” she asks, shocked.

  “Yep, I’m an MMA fighter, I thought you knew.”

  “I knew you went to the gym and met Cash there and he’s your boss now. It makes sense now, thinking about it. I just didn’t realize it.”

  “You’ll just have to see it to know what it is. There are rules and it’s not a bloodbath or anything.”

  The nurse comes in and releases my mom, handing over her paperwork to take home with her and the doctor’s orders to come see him in two days.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Okay we’re here,” I say while flipping on the light of my apartment. “If there is anything you need that we don’t already have then we can run to the store. Otherwise I have tons of bath essentials and food stocked.”

  “Whatever you have is fine; I really don’t want to put you out.”

  “You’re not; make yourself at home. Please. I want you here, as long as you want to be here. Want to watch a movie and eat popcorn?”

  “That sounds perfect,” she says, resting on the couch.

  “I’ll go get it ready,” I say. While I’m waiting on the popcorn, I text Cash.

  Spending the rest of the day with my mom, and we are watching movies and eating popcorn. See you tomorrow, I’ll be thinking about you.

  He texts back. You better be. Just rest up for your fight. See you tomorrow girlfriend. I miss you already.

  I smile at his words and head back to the living room.

  “What are we settling on?”

  “Have you ever seen The Notebook?”

  “I haven’t, but R
yan Gosling definitely has my attention,” I joke.

  “If I recall, you have a man right downstairs,” she teases.

  “The perks of living in the same building.” I giggle, popping some popcorn in my mouth.

  “Next we’ll have to watch Hope Floats; it’s my favorite movie and I think you’ll love it.

  ***

  Today’s the day of my fight. I think I’m prepared enough for it, at least I hope I am. Cash is a little of a distraction and he can’t help it. The thought makes me smile.

  “Mom, you want to come see me fight?” I ask as we wash the dishes from breakfast.

  “Sure, I’d love to,” she says excitedly. “I just can’t believe you actually fight, like for real.”

  “It’s definitely real; it’s not like the wrestling you see on T.V. There is no rehearsing or anything. It’s for real.”

  “I believe you; it’s just, you are my daughter and it’s hard to picture.”

  “Well, I’ve won every fight I’ve been in, except once I was jumped by five girls but that’s another story.”

  She shakes her head at my comment. “You’ll be fine,” I assure her as we head to the car.

  On the ride over to the gym, I explain the rules of the fights and how Cash is usually in my corner after each round. Once she has the basics, she has a better understanding.

  “I really enjoyed those movies last night,” I tell her, throwing my arm across her shoulder as we walk into the gym. I have my gym gear in a bag over my shoulder, since we aren’t fighting at our gym today. I spot Cash and head over toward him.

  “Hey gorgeous.” He hugs me, and then hugs my mom. “Are you excited to see your daughter fight? She’s very good at it.”

  “Yes; she explained everything to me on the way over so I have a better understanding of it. But I am nervous for her.”

  “She’ll be fine, and if we’re lucky, she’ll barely have a scratch.” He squeezes her shoulder, assuring her I’d be okay.

  I hope he is right. In the locker room, I change into my usual fight attire; loose thigh length shorts, a tank top, and one of my fellow fighters Candy is braiding my hair as quick and as efficient as possible since it was so long.