Confessions of Three Gay Boys: Journal One

by A. V. Zeppa

  It was a pretty cool experience to attend a lecture by a famous professor on String Theory and a Theoretical Multiverse. His name is Benjamin Eldridge and he is one of the leading physicists in both fields of study. I’ve seen him on the Science Channel many times, so it was cool to see him in person. Sitting in that lecture hall listening to his animated insights made me realize how important my education really is, how it can be used to figure out how the universe came into existence, how we exist, how knowledge has helped humans in all aspects of life. Pretty cool stuff. I got goosebumps thinking about that unique day as we walked through the front gates to meet up with our tour group.

  It was exciting to finally tour my first college campus, and to do it with Jamie and Chris.

  We met our group at the edge of these imposing steps that led up to the administration building, known as Low Memorial Library. Its impressive architectural structure reminded me of the Parthenon.

  We were handed a packet of information and then listened to the backstory of Columbia. You know, Info about its origins, its Ivy League pedigree, GPA and SAT requirements, and its competitive matriculation percentage. A couple of minutes later we started the tour by heading over to the Lerner Hall Student Center. It was a fantastic modern space compared to the older, more distinguished buildings that surrounded the main campus. I loved it.

  From there we walked to Butler Library, which intimidated the hell out of me. Like Low Library, this building also looked like something straight out of Rome during the reign of the Roman Empire. It was massive and overwhelming with its sculpted columns and long expansed stained glass windows. Just above the columns were the names of some of the world’s greatest thinkers, philosophers, and writers: Homer, Herodotus, Sophocles, Plato, Aristotle, Demosthenes, Cicero, and Virgil. My IQ went up at least fifty points just reading those names.

  It was deadass gorgeous inside too. I could picture myself studying in that perfect atmosphere, surrounded by millions of books, surrounded by centuries of knowledge and insight.

  Our next stop was John Jay Residence Hall. Ohmygod, it was unbelievable. Fifteen stories tall, semi Ivy covered, a beautiful garden out front, and views to die for. And oh yeah, lots of hot guys living there. Get this, we were standing in the main lobby listening to our tour guide explain the concept of dorm life when these two drop dead gorgeous guys stepped out of the elevator. They gave us the once over as they walked by, then the tall dark GQ hotty stopped, turned around, and walked right up to Jamie and introduced himself. “Hi, my name is Marco Valerio. Welcome to John Jay.” Jamie shook his hand while Chris and I exchanged ‘Jamie is getting hit on’ glances.

  The other guy introduced himself to the tour guide. “My name is Ravi Bhakta. We would love to answer any questions your group may have about dorm life. They answered all of our questions and gave us realistic viewpoints of the campus lifestyle. I kept my eyes on Marco the whole time because he was hot, and because I could see that he had it bad for Jamie. His eyes said it all.

  Get this, before they left he shook Jamie’s hand again and said, “I hope you get in. It would be great to hang out together. Jamie didn’t have a clue he was getting hit on. We informed him of the obvious while walking over to Philosophy Hall. “He wasn’t hitting on me, he was just trying to make us feel at home,” Jamie said. Chris laughed. “You’ll figure it out at some point.” Then he put his arm around Jamie’s shoulder and told him the facts of gay life.

  After we toured Philosophy Hall, we headed over to the Mathematics Building. I swear I could feel some kind of energy enter my body when we walked through the front doors. Now I know how Harry Potter must have felt the first time he entered Hogwarts. It’s hard to explain, but for some reason it felt like I belonged there. It felt like home. I’ve always wanted to attend Princeton, but now I’m not so sure.

  Anyway, we toured the main floor, then walked up this impressive circular staircase to the fourth floor and checked out one of the lecture halls. No one said a word as we entered and looked around. It was intimidating to know that thousands of brilliant minds had made that space their home. The silence was eerie, almost religious, and the abstract shadows that crisscrossed the walls seemed to be telling a story. It made the hair on my arms stand straight up. It was fascinating, almost frightening . . . I don’t know . . . it’s hard to explain what I felt, but I was feeling it big time.

  Our last stop was the fifth floor math lounge, an impressive place to study and relax. The atmosphere screamed early twentieth century Art Deco, and you knew, you could feel the decades of knowledge still roaming around. Very inspiring.

  The lounge was empty except for two students in the far corner furiously writing away on whiteboards. I was curious, so I asked our tour guide if we could see what they were working on. She walked over to them and asked if it was okay. They looked our way and waved us over. I couldn’t believe how cute they were, and how smart. I mean genius smart, in the stratosphere smart.

  The gorgeous blond guy made the introductions. “Welcome to Columbia University. My name is David Emerson, and this is Miguel Montag. We are sophomores majoring in math and physics, and would love to answer any questions you have about the university.”

  This one giggly female asked how old they were, which was embarrassing. David smiled and said he was nineteen. Miguel said he was seventeen. That scared the shit out of me, especially when I looked at the complex math they were working on. Chris and Jamie looked as shocked as me.

  “I’ve never met a genius, but now I’ve met two in one day,” I blurted out without thinking. I knew I had embarrassed myself. David quickly answered. “Thank you for the compliment, but we aren’t geniuses, we just happen to love math and science.” I smiled and changed the subject.

  “So, what are you guys working on?”

  “We are trying to work out the Dark Energy mystery,” Miguel said. At that point both of them began to explain the calculations that filled a half dozen white boards. I was totally lost within two seconds, but loved how passionate they were while trying to put it all in terms we could understand. What really intrigued me though was how shy they both seemed, and yet were oozing with confidence and laser sharp conviction. I admired them for those attributes. I mean, here were these two adorably cute geniuses without any ego whatsoever, something very rare in this world.

  A few minutes later we thanked them for their time. They said they were happy to meet us and hoped we all got accepted. Miguel left us with some parting words. “Please believe me when I say that this university will change your life in ways you’ve never dreamed.”

  We were heading back towards the entrance doors when I noticed that Chris was missing. I turned around and saw him talking to Miguel. Jamie and I were listening to the tour guide give us additional information about the math lounge when Chris finally caught up to us. I asked what Miguel and him were talking about, but he gave me some lame answer. I figured that Miguel must have been hitting on him the same way that Marco guy was hitting on Jamie. I was jealous of course, so I playfully annoyed Chris with my observation.

  After the tour was over we walked around the campus by ourselves taking group selfies and just getting the feel of the place. What excited me the most was when Jamie suggested that we should all apply to Columbia and room together if we get in. “Are you guys serious about this?” I asked. I hugged both of them at the same time. “You don’t know how many times I’ve dreamed about us going to college together.”

  “Me too,” Jamie said. Chris was noncommittal but seemed excited about the possibility. “I’d love to go to college together, but you know that I want to go to a university out of state. I’ve applied to the University of Michigan and UCLA. Why don’t you guys apply there too, and then let’s see what happens?”

  “I definitely will,” Jamie said. I said I would too if he agreed to apply to Columbia and Princeton. Like the blood brothers we are, the pact was made. We sealed it by taking a selfie in front of this very cool lion statue. What a magical after
noon.

  JOURNAL ENTRY 31

  Chris

  Shit is getting complicated once again. Good for one reason, not good for another. All I can think about is how Jayden is going to react when he finds out. I have to tell him and hope he doesn’t despise me. It really did come out of nowhere, but in a way I’m glad it did because maybe it can turn into something real for a change.

  Cody kissed me, and I kissed him back.

  Yeah . . . so . . . I guess I should start at the beginning. Friday afternoon.

  It was around three-thirty when my mother woke me up to say goodbye. She was flying to London and then to Paris to meet with clients. “I’m sorry your father and I will not be able to tour Columbia University with you tomorrow. He will be home from Los Angeles Sunday evening, so please let him know if it is a possible choice. Personally, I would love to have you attend Columbia, but I realize it is your choice.”

  “I’ll let both of you know if I like it. And thank you for not putting any pressure on me with my college decision. When are you returning from Paris?”

  “Wednesday evening. I’m making final arrangements with clients for both fashion shows, so you, Jamie, and Jayden will need to rehearse Thursday evening. We leave for London Friday Morning. The London fashion show is Saturday afternoon and the Paris show is Sunday evening.”

  “Cool. I’m looking forward to them.” I gave her a hug. She kissed me on the forehead. “Be good, and make sure you do all of your homework. Oh, and have a nice time at Jayden’s tonight.”

  “Thanks, I will. I’m spending the night.” A moment later Lucia, our housekeeper, came in and informed my mother that her limo had arrived to take her to the airport.

  After she left I lounged in bed for a few minutes checking Facebook and Snapchat. That’s when I received a text from Cody. “Hey, I got an invite to Jayden’s party tonight and was wondering if we could go together.”

  “Yeah, of course,” I texted back.

  “Cool. I’ll pick you up. What time should I come over?”

  “Six-thirty sounds good.” I gave him my address because he had never been to my building before. A few hours later I was packing my pajamas and other essentials for the sleepover when Lucia let me know that Cody had just arrived and was waiting in the gathering room. I closed my overnight bag and went to greet him. He seemed a little nervous when I walked in, but finally eked out a smile while giving me one of those jock-type shoulder bump, slash hugs. “Your home is amazing. The view of midtown is sic.”

  “Thanks. Would you like the grand tour?”

  “Sure.” We made our way through all three levels and finally ended up in my bedroom. We had a little time to kill before heading to Jayden’s, so I put some music on, then we got to talking about the explosive ‘Jamie is gay’ revelation. Cody still couldn’t believe It. “Man, I was stunned when he came out at the team meeting.”

  “I’m really proud of him. So, how did it go over?” I asked, hoping to get the jock perspective.

  “Initially not so well. I mean, you know how most straight guys are about gay guys.”

  “Yeah. They think every gay guy is hitting on them, so they lash out to prove they’re not gay.”

  “Right. So, as you can see, it’s still a fluid situation, but I think some of the guys will eventually come around. At least I hope so.”

  “I wish straight guys knew how ridiculous their homo hate is.”

  “I felt sorry for Jamie because of the awkward silence and disgusted looks from a lot of the guys. Personally, I was glad to know someone else was gay besides me so I wouldn’t be alone. But I hated when that thought crossed my mind because it was a selfish thing to think while Jamie was being shot at by bullet-like stares.”

  “Yeah, I know where you’re coming from, but don’t beat yourself up over it. I think it’s perfectly normal to go into protection mode.”

  “I guess.”

  “So what happened next?”

  “Right after Jamie finished coming out, I walked over, gave him a hug, and said I was proud of him. He thanked me while trying to fight back tears.”

  “Thanks for letting him know that. I wish I could have been there to support him.”

  “Yeah, it would have been nice. It fucking pissed me off how no one supported him. I mean fuck, we’re supposed to be teammates to the end, but everyone’s glares made me realize how shallow most friendships really are.”

  Cody stared at the wall for a few seconds before continuing with his thoughts. “I’m a fucking coward, I really am, because it was the perfect opportunity for me to come out, but I panicked. I froze. I said nothing.” His eyes filled with tears at that point. He got quiet again and looked away. A minute or so went by before he continued on. “I couldn’t believe how confident Jamie was. I hope I can be that way when my time comes.”

  “You will. And you’ll know when it’s time to let people know, just like Jamie did.”

  Cody thanked me for the advice and then gave me a hug. His body against mine felt really nice. It felt strong and protective. A few seconds into the hug I was kind of waiting for him to let go, but he didn’t. Instead, he started to caress my back, and before I knew it, he was kissing me.

  It felt like I had just entered a mystic realm when his lips met mine. After a minute or so of some hot tongue action, he suddenly pulled away and apologized. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

  “Please don’t apologize.” I put my hands on his waist, then I pulled his body against mine and kissed him. Holy shit, things got intense quickly. Within seconds we had found our way to my bed and continued to make out for the next half hour.

  It was an unexpected dream come true to make out with Cody, to feel his warm muscular body against mine, to taste his spearmint breath, to erotically rip off his t-shirt and caress his smooth chest with my fingers, and have him reciprocate like we had been together for years. I can still feel his ripped body against mine as I write this.

  I’m really afraid right now. I’m frightened about what it could mean, and I know Cody is too. And there is that other thing holding me back; Jayden’s crush on him. I felt so guilty about it the whole time I was at his house. I know he really likes Devin, but a crush is still a crush, which means friends can’t trample on that. How do I tell him?”

  So, when we got to Jayden’s he greeted us at the door and jumped into my arms. After he let go he gave Cody a cordial new friend type hug, strictly platonic. I was nervous as shit thinking that he somehow knew we had been making out less than an hour ago.

  Cody was just as nervous as I was, but I’m sure it was for different reasons. I think he was nervous because he was now experiencing feelings that had been locked away for years. Kissing me, exploring my body, me exploring his, had seemingly released a flood of emotions he couldn’t quite deal with yet. It was written all over his face.

  As soon as Jayden and I made eye contact, he knew something was up, especially after I looked away. For some reason he always knows when something is going on between people. He has this sixth sense or something. It’s scary at times, believe me.

  Anyway, it turned out to be a semi-awkward evening for the most part. Everyone noticed how quiet I was, especially Jamie and Jayden. Fortunately meeting Leo snapped me out of my internal dilemma for a while. I really like Leo and gave him the third degree as a way of showing him that. He’s smart, confident, and fire hot. I could tell he really liked Jamie. It was adorable seeing them together, and seeing Jamie happy for a change. That was the most important thing to me.

  I think I’m kind of feeling the same thing with Cody.

  How do I know? Get this, Cody and I would be separated at times talking to other people, but just like magnets attracting metal, we would end up next to each other and sneak a crush type glance, or give each other a slight touch when we thought no one was looking.

  Two hours into the party we couldn’t hold back any longer, so we snuck off to one of the upstairs bathrooms and went at it. Cody had me presse
d up against the wall, aggressively kissing me as his hands caressed my ass. Of course my hands found their way to his cute muscular ass. Ohmygod, what a set of cheeks he has. I was rock hard, and so was he, which made me start to lose all inhibitions. I wanted to rip his clothes off and have him fuck me right there on the floor. I did everything in my power to control that urge because I never want my relationships to just be about sex.

  After we emerged from the bathroom, I felt like I was walking on air, even though that nasty thing called guilt surfaced every now and then. I mean, I was making out with Jayden’s crush in his house.

  The party broke up just after 1am. We got into our pajamas after everyone left and camped out on Jayden’s bed. Jamie and Jayden were being giggly cute as they talked about their boyfriends. Of course I was jealous as fuck and tried to suppress it by pretending that being single was a badge of honor. I didn’t fool Jayden for a second. He snuggled up and kissed me on the cheek.

  I really wanted to tell them Cody was gay, and confess that we kissed. It was on the tip of my tongue, but I started talking about the London and Paris fashion shows instead.

  We spent the next hour planning our trip and our runway strategies. We finally fell asleep together around 3 am. I love sleeping with them.

  It was 10 am when the alarm went off. Jayden was all excited about the Columbia campus tour. He was like a little kid getting ready to open Christmas presents. I was only going on the tour because of him, although I was a little curious to check the campus out. We ended up lounging in bed for a while checking FaceBook, Instagram, and Snapchat.

  At one point Jayden took a selfie of us and posted it, which made every site go crazy with sexual responses. People really have gutter minds at times. It was interesting to read the reactions to an innocent pic.

  After showering and eating breakfast, we cabbed to Columbia and met up with our tour group. I was pleasantly surprised how nice the campus was. It had the feel of an intellectual oasis in the middle of urban chaos. Perfect juxtaposition. The tour made me consider it as a realistic choice. It had much the same feel as the University of Michigan, only a lot smaller. Both universities have top ten law and business schools, so . . .