“Unfortunately, yes!” Fabio hissed. “Hildy, quit torturing my daughter with your sexcapades. I don’t want her scarred for life. It’s bad enough when I have to think about you two bumping uglies. There’s not enough therapy in the world to cure those visions floating around in my head… not even with Roger the Rabbit on the case; and everyone’s aware of his penchant for porn, which means there’s probably nothing he hasn’t seen.”
“Oh can-it Babalips! I refused to be ridiculed by a reformed man-whore who’s only taking yoga classes so that he can lick his nads. I don’t have to take this crap. We’re out of here. Zoe, sorry for getting you all hot and bothered… well, maybe not. Anyways, just whistle when that ass-wipe Alaric returns. Love you, sweets.”
“Is it just me or was that AAAWKWARRRD?” Stefano asked. “Yet, if I were being truly honest, it was sexy as hell,” he finished with a smirk, right as Nicolai threw a napkin at his head.
“Wait! I thought we were going to devise a plan to deal with Alaric,” Zoe shouted, but it was lost on deaf ears. Hildy and Chuck had already disappeared in a cloud of silver smoke. “I guess we’re on our own,” she said, shrugging her shoulders and taking another bite of lasagna.
“Don’t worry, sweetheart. We’ll be ready when the time comes,” Nicolai promised as he gave her a soft kiss on the forehead.
“Could we at least enjoy our meal before discussing that son of a horse's ass, Alaric?” Viola wrote on her notepad.
“I’m down with that,” Zoe replied. “All of that sparing and splitting myself in half has left me famished,” she said, scooping up a fork full of spaghetti.
“Speaking of training, where’d you learn those moves? And before you answer, I’m not buying it was beginner’s luck,” Nicolai asked.
“You’re right. It wasn’t beginners luck. I’ve been taking martial arts since I was five. Aunt Viola was insistent that I know how to protect myself. I never quite understood why, until now.”
“I knew you were a ringer,” Stefano exclaimed. “Why didn’t you just tell us instead pulling that nonsense about singing?”
“Aw, did I hurt the little putty cat? Let me guess, your gonads and solar plexus are still hurting, Stefano?”
“Yeah, I’m still a little sore. What of it?”
“Then it wasn’t nonsense. By the way, it’s SING, not singing. I figured, if it worked for Gracie Hart, then it’d work for me. You’re just lucky I didn’t tap into my inner Charmed. Those witches kicked some serious warlock and demon butt every day. Phoebe was my idol. Too bad I can’t levitate like her.”
“I think you do enough on your own,” Nicolai chimed in.
“You’re one to talk. Not only can you shift into a panther, but you also throw a mean indigo energy ball, if I do say so myself.”
“Thanks, sweetheart. My parents would be proud.”
“Nicolai, tell us about your family and how you landed on Zoe and Viola’s doorstep,” Fabio asked.
“Our mother’s name is Zeva and she’s a witch who has visions. Believe it or not Zoe, you’ve actually met her.”
“Really? When?”
“At the magic shop. She’s actually one of your customers.”
“We get lots of customers, especially during this time of year when All Hallows Eve is in full effect. Could you be more specific?”
“You two initially met when she was looking for levitation tricks to perform at our six-year old cousin’s birthday party. He had invited several non-magical friends, shall we say, so she needed some props. The floating can gimmick was the talk of the party by the way.”
“I remember her now. Long, black silky hair that stopped at her waist and stunning green eyes a little brighter than yours, now that I think about it. She has a hippie vibe going on, right?”
“That’d be our mom,” Stefano said with pride in his voice. “Nicolai and I are still trying to figure out how she and our straight-laced dad ever hooked up. The Fates must have been laughing their butts off when they paired those two together.”
“Have you not heard the old saying, opposites attract, Stefano?” Zoe countered.
“Message received, Zoe. Besides, they’ve been married for eons, so there has to be something there. You think Hildy and Chuck are bad, wait until you sense the emotions rolling off those two. Although we’re not Empaths, we can hardly stand it times. Head over heels in love is an understatement when it comes to our parents.”
“They sound wonderful. I can’t wait to meet them. Tell us more,” she said encouragingly to Nicolai.
“Well, Stefano’s right about our father, Mikhail. He’s the polar opposite of our mom, but for some strange reason, it works.”
“Oh, I love Mikhail Baryshnikov. Not only is he a wonderful dancer, but the way he was able to make his tights fit in such an appealing manner to a woman has always fascinated me. I mean honestly, there were absolutely no panty or jock strap lines to be seen, which is not an easy feat when you’re trying to prevent your no-no’s from drooping, if you know what I mean,” Fabio said awe inspiring tone in his voice that made it obvious he wasn’t joking.
“Oh-kay,” was the only response Nicolai could muster up at the moment.
Stefano on the other hand, opened mouth and inserted foot, as always. “Dude, you are one serious freak-in-the-bedroom.”
“I don’t think admiring the way a man holds himself together in his tights is freaky.”
“Keep telling yourself that. FREEEAAAAK AAALERRRRRT!” Stefano said in a singsong voice.
Shaking his head in defeat at his brother’s blatant disrespect, Nicolai ignored him and continued. “Our father is also the alpha of the pact and works closely with Uncle Dimitri, who is his beta.”
“Now that’s the real FREAK of the family,” Stefano interjected. “Ooh! Tell them about the time Uncle Dimitri and Aunt Agnes decided to play Farmer in the Dell and his Winch.”
“There’s nothing wrong with a little role playing in the bedroom,” Fabio quickly refuted.
“Uh! There is when Uncle Dimitri is the one dressed up like the winch. I was in therapy for years trying to get the vision of him running around in a pink tutu with black fishnet stockings sporting four-inch hooker heels out of my head. Thank goodness for Roger the Rabbit over in Assjacket.”
“Wait! You know Roger the Rabbit?”
“Of course, he’s legendary. Well… legendary in regards to his penchant for porn. Not so much as a therapist. However, in all fairness, the rabbit knows his stuff and was able to help me cope… after ten sessions that included Debbie Does Dallas, Amsterdam, and London… You get the idea.”
“Holy Hades! That explains why you had no problem going to therapy because it’s obvious it wasn’t to improve your mental well-being,” Nicolai retorted.
“Hey! Don’t hate the playa! Hate the Game!”
Nicolai wanted to bang his head on the table… repeatedly. His brother had always been a handful, but he had to admit, he was in rare form tonight. Zoe and her family must have been wondering who in the Hades, they had gotten themselves involved with. Stefano was making their family sound like a dysfunctional three-ring circus.
“I assure you all that our family is not as dysfunctional as my brother dearest makes them out to be. We’re actually very nice people who protect our own and anyone else in need. The reason I ended up on Zoe’s doorstep is because my mother had a vision she was in danger. The more she visited the store, the more intense the vision became, which is the reason she sent me in the disguise of a cat.”
“Does she know that we’re mates?”
“Although she didn’t come right out and say it, I have a sneaky suspicion she does. She also knows you’re a witch, but never mentioned your powers were bound. Not sure if that was a slip on her part, or if it wasn’t revealed in her vision. Sometimes, they’re just bits and pieces of information that she has to decipher. Drives my dad crazy.”
“They both sound lovely.”
“They are.”
“I d
on’t know about the rest of you, but I need a nap. Maybe we could strategize in the morning?” Stefano asked.
“I don’t see why not. Aunt Hildy and Chuck are off doing Goddess knows what and it is getting kind of late. I’m exhausted,” Zoe replied.
“Then tomorrow it is. Besides, I need to pop in and see how Zelda’s doing. Viola and I picked her up a few things from Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus and Fleur de England so she doesn’t get suspicious. Cashmere, Prada and Gucci are my weapons of choice. I also need her help convincing the Town Council to let me be the artistic director of the community theatre.”
“I’ll probably regret asking, but why are they blocking you from becoming the artistic director of the community theatre in Assjacket?” Zoe said. “Is the town really called Assjacket?”
“Is your town really called Bass Ackwards?”
“Yes,” Zoe, Nicolai and Stefano said in unison. “Oh, sorry. I don’t think so, but since that’s what Zelda calls it, everyone else is inclined to do the same. I have no clue as to the real name of the town. Anyways, they keep insisting that because I’m not a Shifter, I’m a high risk. Go figure. Just because I can’t turn into a putty cat or the big bad wolf, I’m flighty and unreliable.”
“Are you flighty?”
“No, I am not.”
“Oh-kay! Is there anything about the community theatre that’s risky or dangerous?”
“No, there’s not. And according to your sister, I’d costume the hell out of any show we performed, which is so true. I even told the Town Council this, but apparently Assjacket’s thespian society is the laughing stock of West Virginia.”
“Okay, I’ll bite. What happened to make the thespian society the laughing stock of West Virginia?” Zoe asked, sighing in exasperation.
“Apparently, during their last musical – Silence of the Lambs –several of the audience members were accidentally eaten and the Fava Bean number was lewd,” he replied bursting into laughter.
“Shut the front door! You’re making that up,” Zoe said, continuing to laugh.
“I wish I were,” Fabio responded, wiping tears from his eyes. “Not only did they eat several of the darn customers, but a few of them suffered stab wounds. Fortunately, no one died. Do I need to explain further about the Fava Bean number?”
“No, I think we get the general idea,” Nicolai hissed hysterically.
By the time Fabio finished, everyone in the room was in stitches. “Anyway, that’s water under the bridge. The only way they’ll even consider giving me the job is if Zelda agrees to be in the next show, which is about your cray-cray mother by the way. I think it would be therapeutic for her. So to entice my materialistic daughter, I have a rockin’ pair of Jimmy Choo shoes and an obscene pile of cashmere sweaters that will make the green in her beautiful eyes sparkle like diamonds. I also left some goodies upstairs for you, sweetheart.”
“Thanks, Daddy-O!”
“You have no idea how much I love hearing you say that, baby girl. I need to fly. Will you and Viola be okay tonight by yourselves?”
“They won’t be by themselves,” Nicolai said, quickly sobering up. “Stefano and I are here as their protection until Alaric is taken care of.”
“Fine. But no sex you two. I mean it. I’ll take away your catnip so fast it’ll make your head spin.”
“I understand, sir.”
“Make sure that you do. I’ll be back in the morning, sweetheart. Take care.” Fabio said as he gave Zoe a kiss on the cheek and disappeared from the room in a cloud of silver smoke, still wearing the ridiculous Elvis costume.
CHAPTER 11
Alaric hated traveling to the desolate, mythical region between life and death, otherwise known as Limbo. He couldn’t wait to be finished with this damn job so that he could rejoin civilization. He’d rather deal with a Demon or Hades himself, any day of the week over this scary ass son-of-a-humper who had hired him to steal the witch’s magic. He was still unclear as to why this ass-hat wanted her powers.
Mama always said my greed would come back to bite me in the arse someday. Who knew it’d be so soon, he thought, as the dark clouds and lightning increased the closer he got to the entrance.
Finally reaching his destination, Alaric pulled on the bong and waited. The doorbell, if that’s what you wanted to call it, sounded like people’s souls crying out for help. It was scary as hell and once again, he wondered what his greed had gotten him into.
Jackal opened the door slash portal and greeted Alaric with a knowing smirk. He couldn’t stand the ugly hyena and if he were being honest, was a little afraid of him. Jackal’s massive dog-like muzzle covered in short, black hair with several rows of whiskers, and four toes with short, blunt, non-retractable claws always sent chills down his spine.
The hyena’s dog-like muzzle and solid body build always reminded him of canines, masking his more close evolutionary alliance with cats. Fortunately, his small tail tipped with long, black hairs that color contrasted his light colored body was hanging down which meant he wasn’t in attack mode.
Since he had yet to determine whether Jackal was male or female given that most female v-jay-jays were superficially similar to those of the males in hyena worlds, Alaric stuck with calling him whiney because it seemed like he was always whining about something these days.
“You’re late ass-wipe. The Sire expected you days ago.”
“Oh zip it, whiney pants. I have bigger issues than shooting the sh*t with you today.”
“If you don’t appease the Sire and explain why the witch still lives, this might be the last time you shoot the sh*t as you so eloquently put it, you arrogant ass-hat. I told the Sire never hire a boy to do a man’s job, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“Hmm. I can’t imagine why not face fart. Maybe it’s because your kind mark and patrol your territories by taking a dump around the perimeter, which is gross might I add. I mean dude, have you smelled yourself. We’re talking pue… as in Peppy Le Pue. But I am curious, how do you keep the flies away?”
“Think and say whatever you want man-whore, but our tactics to protect our den has been working for centuries. You can jibber jabber all day long, but it still won’t change the fact that your ass is in a sling with the Sire. Now stand up straight and show some respect. It’s obviously too late to do anything about the cheap, holey suit you’re wearing.”
“I have you know that my suit was a casualty of war with witches and it’s anything but cheap, muzzle face. Don’t make me smite your hairy ass!”
“Ooh! I’m shaking in my boots,” Jackal replied.
“Where’s a good lion when you need one?” Alaric said, shoulder checking Jackal as he passed and entered the room.
“It’s about time you showed up, Alaric. I’ve been waiting weeks for you to bring me the witch’s power.”
“Actually, it’s only been a few days, Sire.”
“A few days… a few weeks… doesn’t matter. Time stands still in the place where souls pass on their way to reincarnation.”
“If you say so,” Alaric whispered.
“I do. Now give me the witch’s power.”
“About that. See, there’s been a few complications that have made it more… challenging shall we say, to obtain the witch’s magic.”
“What type of complication?” Sire yelled, as his bad breath almost caused Alaric to pass out.
“Um… Well…”
“Spit it out, you nincompoop. I don’t have all day,” Sire said in exasperation.
“Although I was able to eventually take her Guardian’s magic, the witch was nowhere to be found. When I went in for a second attack, they had called in reinforcements. It would seem as though someone was able to unbind the witch’s powers before I could steal them.”
“WHAT?” Sire exclaimed so loud that the walls began to tremble. “You told me the witch was unaware of her powers, which is the reason we went after her. It would be a piece of cake you said.”
“I remember what I said,” Alaric shouted ba
ck, fed up with everyone picking on him. “I was wrong, okay. It’s obvious that the Baba-Yo-Pain-In-My-Ass has called in reinforcements to protect the witch.”
“I’ve always hated that red headed busy body. Given that you’ve failed miserably, what’s your backup plan?”
“Take several days and regroup. I can’t fight them all by myself, even with the Guardian’s magic coursing through my veins.”
“WAIT! You injected yourself with the Guardian’s powers?”
“Duh! Look at my clothes. My suit gives a whole new meaning to the word HOLY. I had to take her powers in order to live another day.”
“Dramatic much, Alaric?” the Sire asked. “Why am I constantly surrounded by idiots?”
“Because you’re cheap and I’m greedy. Oops! Did I say that out loud?”
“Yes, you dimwit!”
“LOOK,” Alaric screamed in frustration and fear, but he figured what the heck. If today was his day, then he’d at least go out in a blaze of glory. “Since you think stealing the witch’s magic is so easy, then by all means, be my guest. I don’t have to take this crap from a man dressed in a cloak and dagger robe who’s destined to be stuck in limbo forever. I can always leave… REMEMBER.”
“DON’T. TEST. MY. PATIENCE. I may have used my knowledge of magic and the afterlife to escape the cray-cray witch who almost killed me and ended up in this Goddess forsaken place, but when I amplify the metaphysical and magical laws down here, I can literally cheat death forever. So don’t mistake my dire situation at the moment, as a sign of weakness. It would be a grave mistake on your part, Alaric.”
“Point taken. But I don’t appreciate you threats. Once again, the plan is to regroup in hopes that they’ll let their guard down as a few days pass, then we’ll go in for the kill.”
“Hm. That might work if I send Jackal and his pack of hyenas with you.”
“Why does he have to go? I don’t trust him.”
“Good. Because I do. Take it or leave it, but be forewarned… the latter option will result in your death.”
“FINE! But for the record, I don’t like it.”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass what you don’t like. As for the witches, it’s imperative that you remember, the next time they won’t give you a time out and don’t care about your damn suit you dimwit. Your focus needs to be on stealing the witch’s magic or you’ll always be low man on the broomstick. To beat the witches, you’ll need to channel all of your energy and magic, including pain into accomplishing the mission.”
Magic and Mayhem: A Witch Possessed (Kindle Worlds Novella) Page 8