All That Matters

by Michelle Congdon

  ****

  The next day, I’d woken up at my desk with a stiff neck around ten in the morning; class started at nine. Fuck. Filled with shame and guilt, I pushed myself up from the desk and glanced at the four empty, miniature bottles of vodka sitting next to my textbook. They had been a gift from a friend a few months back, and I’d quickly stored them away in hopes of forgetting I had them; no such luck. Hidden in the very back of my drawer, I found them last night after shuffling around some things when looking for a pen. I’d started with one, just to keep me going for at least half an hour longer. That’s when I’d followed it with three more. The small bottles weren’t enough to get me drunk, but they were enough to get a temporary kick from them. Unfortunately, because I was tired, I’d fallen asleep instead of finishing the damn quiz. Why did I keep doing this to myself? Giving in to my demons when I knew better than that? But I knew it wasn’t as simple as scolding myself every time I gave in; if it were, I wouldn’t have a problem. No, it was more than that. It was like all my issues gathered together into a ball of darkness, and they’d reach out with their long sticky arms and hold me down. I felt suffocated, like I was drowning and unable to breathe, and alcohol was the only thing that kept the darkness at bay. You could say it worked as some kind of repellent that blocked my mind from all the problems I was having in my life, while darkness sat there waiting until the repellent wore off and it could latch itself onto me again. That was my life every single day. Some days were worse than others; some, I was so busy racing between football and uni that I never had time to think about anything else. I cherished those days.

  I walked over to my bedroom door and grabbed the towel hanging on the hook. I wanted a shower, not only to freshen up but also to avoid my father coming up and asking why I wasn’t in class. I knew he had a late start today; he’d mentioned something about it the night before. It was easier to hide from him in the shower, where he couldn’t and wouldn’t dare come in, than for him to see my car still in the driveway and then come knocking on my bedroom door. There was no point going to class today; by the time I got myself ready, it would be well and truly over. I should thank myself lucky that the quiz didn’t account for much of the subject’s overall grade, and that I’d be able to still gain that High Distinction my father requested from me; that’s if I didn’t repeat the same scenario again.

  After a very long, hot shower, I snuck back into my room and listened out for my dad’s footsteps on the level above. Nothing. The house was quiet. No loud footsteps stomping around meant he had already left. Feeling satisfied, I made my way downstairs to the kitchen for a bite to eat.

  I’d made myself some vegemite on toast and was on my way back to my room when I stopped right in front of the dining room window. The window had a clear view of the backyard pool, but that was not what caught my eye; it was Harper, lying in the sun in a bright-red bikini.

  Avoiding Jackson was a lot easier than I thought it’d be, and it got even easier as the days went by. Since arriving, I’d taken note of the days he went to class, the days he trained, and when he’d arrive back home. The only time I was worried about running into him was during dinner, but as luck would have it, he missed the last three nights due to studying. Finally, something was going my way, unlike the situation regarding my pill prescription. I still hadn’t found a way to obtain them myself. My only contact had finally replied saying he knew no one in Australia but would let me know if something came up. It looked as though I was going to have to try charm some poor pharmacist guy and convince him I needed them for medical reasons, which was partly true. One good thing about being famous was that everyone knew about your tragic story. I usually hated that they did but for once, I was pleased because it was going to help me get what I wanted. I just needed to organize a time to get them, and get them fast because I’d completely run out two nights ago. I was currently running low on sleep and until I got them, I would continue this way. My vivid nightmares woke me up constantly and ruined any chance I had of getting sleep. I didn’t want to sleep; I was afraid to relive my past over again.

  I stared out into the pool through my sunglasses, watching the light reflect off the almost-still water as it danced each time the cool breeze lightly blew against it. It was so entrancing, beautiful, so calm, yet it was all a façade. I knew what dangers water held. It reminded me of the old folk stories about sirens who would sing to the sailors to lure them down to their watery graves when they got too close.

  I felt the hairs on my skin rise as the thought of Quinn’s accident came into my mind. At that very moment, I could have sworn I heard a young, familiar, female voice singing out my name; a voice that sounded very much like Quinn.

  I focused harder on the water. Surely, I was losing my mind; there was no way I could have heard my dead sister’s voice. But when I heard the voice again, this time louder and clearer, I knew it was her. I stood up and slowly walked over to the edge of the pool, not taking my eyes off the center of it.

  “Come in, Harper. Come play with me,” Quinn’s voice said playfully.

  “I can’t,” I whispered back.

  “Don’t be afraid. I’m right here with you, sissy. I won’t let them hurt you anymore.”

  I felt myself nod, captivated by the ripples in the water getting bigger as the wind blew stronger.

  “Come with me, sissy. We can be free.”

  I swallowed and took a shaky step forward. I felt my heart speed up and all the muscles in my body tighten; not because I was communicating with my dead sister, but because I was about to confront my biggest fear. The water…

  A shiver ran through my body as the tip of my big toe touched the cold, refreshing water. The voice inside my head screamed and begged to turn around, back to the safety of the concrete, but Quinn’s calming voice spoke to me again. “That’s it, Harp. You’re doing so well, but you need to come further if you want to play.”

  “Where are you, Quinny? Why can’t I see you?” I asked in a shaky voice.

  “I’m right here, sissy. Come closer and you’ll be able to see me.”

  I nodded again and placed my entire foot into the water, followed by the other. Once both my feet were on the top step, I slowly made my way down to the second.

  My heart bashed against my chest, but I was desperate to ignore it for the chance to see my sister, no matter how impossible the thought sounded.

  When I reached the final step, a shimmer came from the middle of the pool, instantly making me forget that I was standing in waist-deep water.

  “Is that you, Quinn?” The voice didn’t respond. Instead, I saw the flash of light again. Not taking my eyes off the spot, I asked again. This time, she replied with a child-like giggle followed by, “Almost there, sissy.”

  A small tear trickled down my cheek. My rapidly beating heart turned into a desperate ache. I missed my sister so much. I wanted her back; I needed her back. “Stop crying, Harp. It’s not long until we’re together again; you’ll see.” I nodded again and continued toward the shimmering light.

  When the water reached my neck, I stopped. Staring at the bright light, I said with a whimper, “I miss you, Quinn.”

  “Don’t cry. I’m always with you, sissy. I’ve never left your side.”

  “Where are you?”

  “Go under, Sissy. I’m just below the surface; you’ll see.”

  I wasted no time; I took a deep breath and went under, darkness consuming me immediately. My mind screamed at me to go up and get out of the pool as fast as I could, but I couldn’t. Desperate to see my sister, I fought against the blackness, and I closed my eyes to try to calm my nerves as I allowed myself to sink to the very bottom of the pool.

  “Open your eyes, sissy,” I heard the voice of Quinn say. I had to be imagining it; if Quinn really were here, there was no way she’d be able to speak to me underwater. But what if she had some special sort of power that allowed her to?

  “Stop over-thinking things, silly! Just open your eyes. You want to see me, r
ight?”

  Listening to my sister’s voice, I opened my eyes. I blinked away the sting caused by the chlorine and looked around. Quinn wasn’t there. How could she lie to me?

  I began to panic with the realization that I was submerged underwater but just then, a strange, unfamiliar feeling came over me. Quinn.

  “Sissy,” she whispered softly. A strange light began to form right in front of me. I felt a growing ache in my chest. I’d used up almost all of my air supply and I needed to surface, but I didn’t want to, not yet.

  I extended an arm out and reached for the light. The water around my hand seemed warmer than the rest; it had to be her. I twisted my hand around and watched as the light danced off my skin. A tiny smile formed on my face. “Sissy, look harder and you’ll see me.”

  I listened to her words and squinted my eyes, eager to see my twin. Just when I was about to give up, an apparition formed in front of me. It couldn’t be…

  Right in front of my face, a young girl with the same blonde hair and the same colored eyes smiled back at me. My eyes widened as she reached out and touched my extended hand. It was like staring straight into a mirror, except the girl on the other side looked happy, unlike me. My throat tightened and I knew I was crying, thankful the water around me concealed my tears. I accidentally took in water when I automatically inhaled and began to choke; I needed air. I closed my eyes but when I opened them, Quinn was gone. NO! Come back!

  I desperately needed to surface, but I wasn’t willing to until I saw Quinn’s face again. The pain in my chest was excruciating, but it was bearable compared to the pain I’d suffered over the long years. I was not leaving until I saw her again. I looked around again, nothing except for a dark shadow looming high above me. I ignored it and continued searching frantically, spinning my head around and looking in every direction. My body felt tired, and I struggled to keep my eyes open. Flashbacks of the day I’d lost Quinn began to play in my head. I’d searched endlessly for her, forcing myself to hold my breath until it became unbearable. I hadn’t been able to save her then, but I wanted to save her this time. The last thing I heard before I drifted into unconsciousness was a loud splash, then nothing. Everything went black.

  I’d lost time staring out the dining room window, intrigued by the sight of Harper lying by the pool in nothing but her tiny, red bikini. I knew I shouldn’t have been staring; after all, she was my cousin, but I was still a guy; even I wasn’t immune to her looks.

  I was so caught up and mesmerized by her that I didn’t think it odd when she got up and stepped right into the water, sinking until she didn’t surface.

  I cannot begin to fully describe the feeling of what went through me. It felt like one of those out-of-body experiences, where my body detached itself from my mind and sprang into action while my mind slowly caught up and became overwhelmed by what had occurred. One minute I was standing by the window ogling Harper, and the next, I’m jumping into the pool fully clothed, trying to save her.

  I felt like an idiot. It hadn’t been long since Harper had shared her secret with me, that she was afraid of the water, so why didn’t I react sooner? I wasn’t sure what had happened, or why she was in the pool in the first place, but all I knew was she wasn’t thinking straight.

  As soon as I managed to drag her limp body to the shallow ledge, she seemed to wake up, coughing uncontrollably. Realizing where she was, she pushed herself away from me as if my touch had burned her and forced herself to stand. All I could do was watch, confused and a little shaken up as I stayed in a kneeled position, looking up at her. She seemed angry that I’d saved her, and I would have thought she’d gone and done what she did on purpose had I not glimpsed the scared look on her face briefly before her scowl hid it. The look terrified me. Why had she done it? Something told me Harper had a bigger secret locked away.

  Finally, I stood up and sat by the edge of the pool without saying a word. Harper had stormed off already; the only evidence left were her wet footprints on the pavement that led toward the house. She hadn’t bothered to grab a towel; in fact, there were none around, which raised another question. Perhaps she hadn’t planned on surviving the incident. That would be the only reason for not needing a towel, right? No, I couldn’t allow myself to think that way.

  Mum was going to lose her mind at the wet footprints all through the house, but that was the least of my concerns. The biggest one I had was whether to tell her or not. Being a nurse, she might be able to shed some light on the incident, or at least help answer some questions I had.

  I decided to get out of my wet clothes and dry myself off while I deliberated on the decision to tell Mum. I was thankful when I heard the sound of the roller door of the garage vibrating through the bottom floor of the house. I hadn’t seen Harper since the pool incident, and I was kind of glad for that. She probably locked herself in her room right after it, too ashamed to face me; at least, that was what I’d hoped.

  I met Mum by the door that connected to the garage. She gasped when she realized I was standing there.

  “Jackson, you frightened the hell out of me. Why on Earth are you standing here?” she asked, grasping the material of her scrubs in the area where her heart was.

  Her graying hair was in a messy, loose bun, and she looked extremely tired. I was almost about to tell her not to worry about it, but she insisted on asking what was wrong.

  “It’s… It’s Harper, Mum.”

  “Jackson, we’ve been through this; Harper doesn’t need you to babysit her, and she’s old enough. She’s at the age where she’s naturally going to rebel, especially toward her twenty-one-year old cousin.”

  I shook my head and followed her into the kitchen, where she placed her handbag on the bench. “It’s not about that. We were kind of starting to get along,” I replied impatiently.

  “Oh, really? Then what is it?”

  I wanted to tell Mum, and this small talk was making me anxious, but I just didn’t know how to start the conversation. I didn’t have to worry about that for long. It all just came out at once like verbal diarrhea.

  “Mum, Harper tried to harm herself! I was watching her, and she disappeared into the water and then she wasn’t coming up and then I rushed out. I jumped into the pool in my clothes, Mum! She wasn’t coming up for air. I didn’t know what to do! I think she wanted to drown. One minute she was fine, sunbaking, next she was in the pool drowning and—”

  “Calm down, darling, calm down,” she interrupted, reaching out and patting my shoulder. “Take a breath.”

  I automatically did as I was told while my mother continued to calm me by rubbing my upper arm. “Now, is Harper okay?”

  I nodded whilst keeping my eyes on the floor.

  “Where is she?”

  “Upstairs.”

  “All right, so start from the beginning and remember to breathe, honey.”

  I nodded again and slowly lifted my gaze back to her.

  I filled Mum in on the incident. I told her how Harper had reacted after she came out of the water and that she’d stormed off, but also the frightened look she had on her face for a small fraction of a second. Mum let me talk, not interrupting, and she waited until I’d calmed down before speaking, even though it wasn’t what I’d expected from her.

  “Honey, are you absolutely sure that’s what she was trying to do?” No. Yes. Probably. It seemed like the most rational explanation, right? “Because that’s a huge accusation to make,” she continued. “I’m not saying you didn’t do the right thing, but perhaps she was just, I don’t know, seeing how long she could hold her breath under water?”

  What? That was the most ridiculous; actually, to be fair, it was something Blake and I used to do when we were younger. But Harper was an eighteen-year-old girl; surely she wouldn’t play those sorts of games anymore. And there was one other thing that made no sense.

  “Mum, she wasn’t moving when I pulled her out! And… she’s afraid of deep water.”

  Mum’s eyes widened. “And how d
o you know that?”

  “She told me a few nights ago.”

  Mum looked at me doubtfully for a moment before speaking. “Then perhaps she had it planned all along and played a prank on you?”

  I wasn’t convinced. Why wasn’t she taking this seriously?

  “Oh, darling,” Mum sighed, taking my chin in her hand. “You’re such a sweet boy. Look, would it make you feel better if I went and talked to her?”

  I nodded. “Thank you, Mum.”

  She gave me a smile and softly patted me on the cheek.

  I watched her leave the room and waited until I heard footsteps on the stairs before I quietly made my way after her. Harper’s bedroom door was closed, but I could hear Mum’s voice inside, so I knew she’d gone straight in. I crept up carefully and pressed my ear against the wooden door. I knew it was wrong to listen in on the conversation, but a big part of me was curious to know what Harper had to say about the whole thing.

  When I heard the knock on the door, I mentally slapped myself for not remembering to lock the door behind me after I’d showered and changed. My shower was quick; I’d wanted to avoid Jackson at all costs. I didn’t want his questions. I didn’t need his pity and I definitely didn’t want to embarrass myself by thanking him for saving me. The truth was I had no idea what had happened. It was like I was in some trance, controlled by something pretending to be my sister. The very thought was completely absurd. Maybe without the pills to keep me sane I was actually losing my mind.

  The knock came again. I groaned and called out, “Come in,” expecting it to be Jackson, but I was surprised to see Aunt Juliana, with a worried expression, standing by the door instead.

  “Hi,” I said to her, pushing myself into a sitting position on my bed.