All That Matters

by Michelle Congdon

  “Harper, can I please speak to you for a minute? It won’t take long. I promise.” She seemed nervous, which was an odd behavior coming from her.

  I waved her in and she closed the door quietly behind her before sitting down on the edge of the bed.

  “Jackson is worried about you.” Of course, this has something to do with him. I forced myself not to roll my eyes while she continued talking. “He seems to think the incident that occurred this afternoon was an attempt for you to harm yourself. Is that true, Harper? I know you’ve been through a lot, my dear, so please don’t think I’m pushing you to reveal any of those things to me. I just want to make sure you’re not thinking about hurting yourself as a result. I’m here to talk; I want you to know that. And if you need me to organize for you to see a professional, just let me know and I can sort that out right away. Please, don’t go down that path, Harper.”

  My aunty really had no idea, but I had to give her points for trying, for sitting down and trying to get me to talk about it; it was more than my mother ever did. But no matter how sweet and loving my aunty was being, I couldn’t tell her the truth; she’d think I was crazy. I mean, who in their sane mind heard their dead sister’s voice? Their sister who had died years ago? And if I started talking, then who knows how much I’d share. I couldn’t risk anyone finding out about my past. So, I did what I did best; I put on my best acting face and acted the shit out of the situation.

  “Aunt Juliana, I’m fine. I really am. I wasn’t trying to harm myself; I was just going for a swim.”

  “But Jackson said you’re afraid of water?” He what!

  I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. He was just like everyone else.

  I felt the anger rise inside my chest, but was determined to keep my cool on the outside. I didn’t need Aunt Juliana thinking anything was suspicious.

  I let out a dry laugh, as though Jackson’s betrayal meant nothing to me. “That’s crazy. Why on Earth would I be afraid of water? I live in Miami for Heaven’s sake. I’m at the beach all the time,” I reminded her.

  She studied me for a moment before replying. “So, he misheard?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Obviously. He over-reacted this afternoon, which is why I stormed off. I know I should’ve stayed and asked him what the hell he was doing, but I was shocked and angry, I guess. It’s nice of him to worry about me, but perhaps I should talk to him later and explain everything more clearly.”

  Her features calmed and she gave me a genuine smile. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. He seemed very upset when I got home; I think it would be nice for you two to talk it through.” Yeah, I definitely couldn’t wait to talk to him about it.

  I forced a smile and waited until she left the room before I let it disappear from my face, replaced by a devious grin as I thought up ways to confront Jackson. One was of throwing the small, glass sculpture I saw in the hall at him. In my little movie, the sculpture didn’t hit him, but hit the hall behind him instead, allowing a shower of small, glass pieces to scatter everywhere. I knew I’d never do it. I had terrible aim and would accidentally hit him with it instead. Then again, both his parents were in the medical profession, so they’d be able to help him. I quietly sniggered at my own ridiculous idea. If only it were possible…

  I waited until after dinner before I decided to pull Harper aside and ask her about the pool incident. It ended up being the best decision since the entire hour during dinner was spent with Harper shooting daggers at me with her eyes and then blatantly ignoring me whenever I tried striking up a conversation. She spoke to everyone else all right; it was just me who was getting the cold treatment. To the rest of the family, she was an entirely different person, even smiling and laughing at Dad’s outdated medical jokes. I couldn’t believe no one else could see how much of an act she was putting on. She was a skilled actress; I had to give her that.

  When dinner ended, I decided to race up to the rooftop, first turning on the music in my room to make it look as though I was inside studying. I needed to reach the balcony first, before Harper, and I needed to hide. I needed her to have no idea I was waiting to spring out of the shadows and drill her with questions.

  Just when I was beginning to think the idea was stupid and she wasn’t going to come, I heard the gentle crack of the rooftop door opening. I hid in the darkest part of the balcony, afraid to move in case I made a sound and she caught me. I waited until the door closed behind her and she stepped over to the edge of the railing.

  I crept silently toward her, holding my breath in case my breathing would give me away. Once I was a couple of feet behind her, I decided to speak. “That was a brilliant performance you did in front of my parents.”

  Harper let out a loud gasp and spun around, clasping her chest. “Jesus Christ, Jackson! What is wrong with you?”

  I couldn’t help but fucking smile. For some reason, her cold, mean, standard response amused me. Unfortunately, Harper didn’t see a funny side to it. “What the hell do you want?” she sneered.

  Ignoring the glare she was giving me, I stepped up beside her and grabbed hold of the balcony railing. Without turning to face her, I peered into the horizon and said, “I wanted to talk about what happened this afternoon.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about,” she hissed.

  “You may be able to fool my parents but not me, Harper. I saw the look in your eyes when I pulled you out.” I turned to face her, determined to get a truthful answer from her. “You told me you were frightened of water! So, what were you doing in the pool in the first place?”

  It was like something inside Harper suddenly snapped. Her narrowed eyes burned with rage, and they were solely focused on me. She was already angry, but nothing had prepared me for what she was about to unleash.

  “I AM!” she shouted, taking a step forward and pointing a thin, hard finger at my chest. “I can’t explain what happened this afternoon. But I trusted you, Jackson! I trusted you to keep my secret, just like I did yours! But you opened your big mouth the first chance you had!”

  At first, I was confused about why Harper was so angry and shouting at me. Weren’t we talking about her going in the pool? Then it hit me: I’d betrayed her. She’d shared a secret with me and I went straight to Mum. But I had to! It was for her safety. Anyway, it wasn’t like her secret was as big as mine.

  “Why are you mad about that? I told Mum because I told her what you did. She didn’t believe me, so I told her you were afraid of the water to help her see I wasn’t being stupid.”

  “I’m mad because that was my secret, Jackson! Not yours to share with whoever the hell you liked. Don’t you see that?”

  “Harper, you’re being ridiculous.” I rolled my eyes. “You’re afraid of water, so what? It’s not like Mum’s going to go and sell it to the media. I bet she’s already forgotten about your stupid fear.”

  Harper’s jaw tightened and her brow creased. The only telltale sign I knew she was upset was in her eyes. She was trying very hard to keep up a brave front, but I knew her better than that now. “You had no right,” she said in a quiet, firm voice; at least she’d stopped yelling. “I never once thought to tell your father about what you told me. Your alcohol addiction, not wanting to be a doctor. Even after what you did, I was never going to tell. You trusted me with it, just like I had trusted you.”

  “Look, to be honest, my secrets are a little more serious than yours.”

  “Says who? They were both secrets we were afraid to share with anyone. Just because you don’t have the courage to tell your father the truth, and that has, amongst other things, driven you to alcoholism, doesn’t mean my fear of water is any less serious.” Harper flicked back a loose strand of hair, which had fallen on her face, in annoyance. “I had never told anyone any of my secrets, but yet I told you. Something inside me said to trust you and that’s what I did. I thought you were different, but I made a mistake. You just proved that you are just like everyone else, Jackson.”

  Her words stung. She wa
s right. The fear I had of my dad finding out was no different to Harper’s fear of water and anyone finding out about it. Just because it sounded silly to me didn’t mean she wasn’t going through the same emotions as me; fear was fear.

  “You’re right; I never thought about it that way. I’m sorry.”

  She didn’t respond. She turned away and glanced out at the night sky instead. I was sorry. How could I prove to her that I really meant what I’d said? Without another thought, I turned toward her and took hold of both her shoulders, turning her so we were facing one other. “I mean it, Harper. I was worried and didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry for breaking your trust, and if I could take it all back, I would. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  I could’ve kept going. I wanted to repeat everything until I knew for certain Harper understood what I was saying to her, but something happened. The longer we stood there face to face, staring into each other’s eyes, the more I felt myself falling under her spell. A powerful emotion surged through me, taking over and blocking every other emotion out. I wanted to kiss her, kiss those plump lips that were only inches away, kiss the mouth that held onto so many secrets, and hold her until all her problems disappeared. God help me, I was falling for my cousin…

  “I should go.” Her voice seemed so far away; it felt as though I’d imagined it. It wasn’t until she pulled away that I remembered where I was.

  I let go, dropping my arms and clearing my throat. Fuck, I’d made an idiot of myself. “Yeah, it’s probably for the better,” I mumbled.

  She nodded and quickly backed away, turning and leaving without another glance my way. What the fuck was I thinking? How was her leaving for the better? If anything, I’d just made it more awkward for the both of us.

  I stood there for a long time in the cool autumn night, staring at the doorway. I wasn’t sure what I was waiting for, or why I was doing it; all I knew was from that moment on, Harper Hudson had become all that mattered to me, and I was fucking terrified of what the future now held.

  What the hell happened on the rooftop? I’d been pacing back and forth in my room, asking myself the question over and over, and each time, I came up short. Did I really just contemplate kissing my cousin? What sick and twisted plan did life have for me now, and why couldn’t it give me a break? Hadn’t I suffered enough? I’d been through Hell and back, and now life decides to throw me into a pit of fire while it laughed from the edge, eating grapes and reveling at my expense.

  I couldn’t let myself go there, no matter how he made me feel. I had to ignore that he made my body tingle and my chest ache at the very sight of him. I couldn’t… it was wrong. And I’d hurt him. Not intentionally, but someone as messed up as me always hurt those they cared about; that was a way of life… my life. He was better off without me. He didn’t need me complicating his already-troubled life.

  I’d stayed up all night, unable to fall asleep. For the first time, it wasn’t because I was scared of what my dreams were going to be about, but instead I couldn’t switch my brain off from the scenes that unfolded on the rooftop. They played over countless times in my mind, each time with an alternate ending but never one that made me happy. They always ended with me ruining everything.

  Eventually, when I did fall asleep, I was woken less than two hours later to loud knocking. I dragged myself from my bed and opened the door, ready to shout vulgar things at the person responsible. It was Madison. The young girl looked up at me with her doe-brown eyes and the cutesy little face hiding behind her soft, dark-brown ringlets.

  “Mummy wants to know if you want to come with us.”

  “Where are you going?” I said in a flat tone, unaffected by the sweet, Shirley Temple-like smile she was giving me.

  “To the shops to buy things.”

  I was about to turn her away when I remembered the necessary trip to the drug store I had to make. Although I needed sleep, I needed the pills more. They were half the reason I wasn’t getting any; the second reason was, of course, Jackson.

  Roughly an hour later, I was ready to go. Donning an oversized sweater, my favorite ripped boyfriend jeans, the messy bed-hair look and large, round, black sunglasses to help disguise me and the bags under my eyes, I sat in the passenger seat of my aunt’s car, on the way to her favorite shopping mall. I never mentioned needing to go to the drug store, figuring it would be easier to ask once we were there.

  “I spoke to your mother this morning,” Aunt Juliana said, breaking the silence in the car. “She asked how everything was going and recommended hiring a bodyguard for today.”

  “And did you?” I cast a sideways glance just in time to see her nodding.

  The car went silent again. The only sound came from Madison, lightly snoring in the back seat. Somehow, she’d managed to fall asleep as soon as we’d gotten in the car. “Was that all she wanted?” I don’t know why I bothered to ask that question; I knew whatever else my mother had to say wasn’t anything worth hearing.

  I caught my aunty pulling an awkward face before shaking her head from side to side. My mother and aunty may look similar, but the difference between the sisters was that my aunty was a terrible liar. It wasn’t her fault; she wasn’t an actress, nor was she a cold, heartless person like my mom.

  “You don’t need to protect me. I can handle the things my mother says and what she thinks of me.”

  “She didn’t say anything bad, I swear; I would never allow her, even if she tried. She just mentioned that I should keep Maddie away and to watch the boys’ friends around you.” Standard Vivien Gardner, thinking I was a bad influence and a total slut. I rolled my eyes before turning to face the window. “And she asked if I could keep you from coloring your hair again,” my aunty continued. That made me laugh. I doubted very much my mom asked any of those things; the woman ordered, not asked.

  “You can relax. I’m not going to sleep with anyone underage, so Blake’s friends are safe, nor will I want to sleep with Jackson’s football team.”

  It was the most ridiculous conversation to have with anyone, let alone my aunty, but I couldn’t help feeling a small amount of guilt when I thought about my growing feelings for Jackson.

  “And your hair?” my aunty asked in a hesitant voice.

  I let out another laugh. “As wonderful as it was seeing my mother’s face when I came home with bright-red hair, it’s not as amusing when the only person who will get in trouble is you. I promise I’ll get my hair fixed as soon as I can.”

  Aunt Juliana seemed pleased with my answer and threw me a small smile. Was she really frightened of my mother?

  The shopping trip was deemed a success. Not only did I honor the ice queen’s wishes and strip the rest of the pink from my hair, but also my aunty had decided to take Madison home because she came down with something and left me in the city with Max, the bodyguard my mother had asked my aunty to hire. Max was one scary-looking dude, frightening most of the curious bystanders from coming up to greet me, but he sure wasn’t the brightest human being on the planet; this worked out perfectly for me. I played friendly for a while, buying both of us ice cream while we walked around and shopped for new clothes. When it came to trying to convince the drug store pharmacist I’d lost my prescription for the several different types of pills I wanted, I had the poor Max believing my made-up story. He even helped me to convince the young pharmacist behind the counter. It’s funny what you can get away with when you’re a well-known celebrity. It didn’t take much to bat my eyelashes and play a victim in the whole scenario. Less than twenty minutes later, I was walking out of the drug store with a white paper bag filled with everything I’d asked for.

  The first thing I did as soon as I got home was take anti-depressants. I welcomed the numbing feeling it created as it slowly worked its way through my body. I’d missed this feeling. The feeling of not having to feel anything; just the way I liked it.

  “Your hair looks good.” I glanced up from my dinner plate to see Jackson with his eyes on me from across the din
ner table. It was the first time I’d seen him all day. He’d said he was busy with football, which could’ve been the truth, but I couldn’t help but think our strange moment on the rooftop had something to do with it.

  I felt my cheeks grow hot as he continued watching me, wanting a reply of some kind, but I had none. All I had the courage to do was give him a weak smile before looking away. What was he doing to me? My mask was slipping, and if I wasn’t careful, it wasn’t going to be long before he saw the real person hiding behind it.

  “Mum, don’t forget this weekend is our bye, so I won’t be home until Monday afternoon.”

  “Oh, my goodness, I’d totally forgotten about that! Your father is speaking at a medical conference this long weekend and taking us with him.”

  “I think you should join us, Jackson,” his father added. “It’d be a great opportunity to network with some great doctors from all over the world.”

  I dared a look at Jackson’s face. As predicted, he didn’t seem too happy about the idea, but he was hiding it well; unfortunately, not well enough to convince me.

  “Sorry, Dad, this trip has been organized for months now. If you’d reminded me sooner…”

  “You’d rather spend a weekend damaging your liver and brain cells while hanging out with those idiots than preparing yourself for your future career?”

  “Dad, you know I don’t drink anymore.”

  “That’s a load of bull. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the missing whiskey from my liquor cabinet.” I shot a look up at Jackson, who was already staring at me with a mixture of hurt, anger and shame. It was a situation I should’ve found amusing; the Hayward ‘golden boy’ was finally getting in trouble for something. But there was nothing funny about it. I felt for him; he reminded me so much of myself. He was expected to be someone he wasn’t and couldn’t be, no matter how hard he tried. He was struggling with demons he couldn’t control, and I knew better than anyone what that felt like. “You think because I’m rarely home that I’m oblivious to everything that happens in this household?” Uncle Hugo continued.