Loving Kate Beckett (The Loving Series Book 2)

by CC Monroe

  “Nick! Oh!” My hips move of their own accord, rolling and grinding as he steps back and breaks all physical contact. My orgasm is still going, and it seems never-ending, I continue to moan and roll my hips as if he were between my legs, and he smiles devilishly, watching, reaping the benefits of his work.

  “So breathtaking. It’s been too long since you let me have you,” he murmurs. Stepping back up to me while I’m still in the aftershocks of my climax. My mouth is hanging open, and my brows are drawn in with both pleasure and disbelief at the raw intensity of his words.

  It takes what feels like minutes before I’m able to coherently respond.

  “It’s only been a couple weeks.”

  A low growl that resembles a sinister laugh rumbles in his chest, matching his smirk. “That’s a decade in my world without your touch, Kate.”

  “Oh.” My breathy moan betrays my desire to have him. “Nick, I’m sorry. I pushed you out, and I’m sorry.” Something possesses me to say this in this moment. But it’s true.

  Eric’s death brought guilt, pain, loss, and a sense of duty to push Nick away. But why? I owe nothing but to mourn and respect Eric and his loss. I shouldn’t feel guilty for how I choose to repair my brokenness. And right now, my heart is aching and burning for Nick. It has been for a long time, and I can’t drown anymore in Eric. He released me, and the good parts of Eric would want this for me. My happiness, my love to be reciprocated.

  I have that with Nick, and it’s time I start to let that in and explore without regret. Openly and passionately, I need to accept us for what we have always been.

  “In her eyes, I find my soul,” I whisper, my finger lightly tracing over his tattoo as he comes to bend over me.

  “I will always find myself in you, Kate,” he responds, ending our words with a soft, lazy kiss. I moan against him, wrapping my legs around his waist. Our lips do not part when he lifts me and moves us to the edge of the bed. Sitting at the end, he places me astride him. His cock nudging my opening.

  “You ready?” He waits for my consent.

  “Yes.”

  Keeping myself stable, I drape my arms around his neck, and he takes my hips in his calloused hands. Slowly, oh so slowly, he slides me down his cock, inch by inch. The sensations are felt with each inch, skin on skin, and no barrier between me and my soul mate. I drop my forehead to his, and we both gasp, our mouths lax and eye contact never wavering.

  Will it always be this extreme? Intimate? Raw? No two people should ever connect and fit perfectly together like this. It’s impossible. Right?

  The way his eyes search mine, I almost look away from the intensity. I can’t handle how much I love this man. And knowing he loves me just as much, if not more, is too much.

  “You love me.” My lip trembles at the deep realization. I’m now fully seated on his length. We don’t move.

  “Can’t you feel it? Don’t you see it?” he asks.

  I nod, my forehead rolling against his.

  “But you need me to say it.” He reads me.

  I don’t respond.

  “I love you. There has never been a love this wild or captivating.”

  “More.” I start to circle my hips, bringing the pleasure as he brings the emotions.

  Cupping my cheek with one hand and gripping the back of my neck with his other, he refuses to let our eyes falter. “I would walk the pits of hell for you. Cut myself open and hand you my fucking heart, kitten, if it would show you how much I love you. A man can love anyone, but to live and die for a woman—now that’s breathing. That’s a worthy sacrifice.”

  I choke out a cry, picking up speed, riding him. I need him to feel what I can’t find with words right now. How do you respond to that? How do you accept love so strong when you lived without it since your first breath?

  He matches me, pounding up into me. We both don’t let up, racing each other to euphoria. Who can bring the most pleasure not to ourselves but to the another. His cock hits the soft tissue deep inside me over and over again, and I start to vocalize that pleasure.

  “Nick, right there. Please, I need you to come in me.”

  “Squeeze down on my cock, baby. I’m right there. Fuck!” Throwing his head back as I tighten on his length, he steals that pleasure. “I’m coming, baby. Fuck, I’m coming.” A warm sensation inside me brings me to mine. Watching him lose his control in the pleasure I brought him is a sight, and as much as I want to throw my head back and scream, I fight hard to keep my eyes on him and take in the view of a man becoming powerless under his love’s touch.

  I’ve never had that. Now I do, and I want to capture that look and lock it in my memory forever. We ride out long seconds of intense intimacy, because this is the night, the moment, I choose not to fight him and me and what we are. I would go to hell and back if it meant going there with him.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Nick

  Kate fell asleep after our third round. We didn’t fuck tonight; we didn’t even make love. We connected, and we defined us. Kate is mine, and I know now more than ever I need to hand over what’s been weighing me down with guilt since we cleaned out Eric’s apartment. I have to trust that we are solid and whatever is in that letter for Kate won’t have her regretting or pushing us away. There’s not a chance in hell after what she and I just shared that she could ever be anything but mine.

  I move carefully, doing my best not to wake her. I break free, causing nothing more than a small twitch from her sleeping form. Heading to my bag, I pull out some gray sweats and slip them on. Next, I dig into the side pocket and pull out the letter. Yesterday, there was a box I found with a letter taped to the top and Kate’s name on it. I took the letter but didn’t have the heart—nor was it my right—to look inside. Against my instincts, I resisted.

  I look at the letter in my hand then to Kate’s peaceful sleeping form and back again. This is what has to be done. Going to the kitchen, I take a pen and paper from the drawer and begin writing.

  Kate,

  This is for you. You need to read it, but before you do…

  I love you, and nothing will change that. I will be down in the hotel bar. If you read this and it tells you something that will pull you away from me, I will let you go, but only for now.

  I love you.

  Nick

  Walking back into the bedroom, I put the letter on the bed and slide on some jeans, a Roes T-shirt, and my boots. I leave the room and head toward Ben’s room. For the first time, the rolls have reversed. Usually, Ben is leaning on me for help and guidance, but now I need him.

  I knock on the door quietly, making sure to not wake Melody or Sadie. It’s half-past midnight. A few moments later, a shirtless, messy-haired and sleepy-eyed Ben opens the door.

  “Nick? Fuck, man, it’s past midnight. What’s up?”

  “I gave her the letter.” The only other person who knows about the box and letter is Ben. This wakes him up.

  “Fuck.” Running his hands through his hair, he turns around, and I see Sadie approach.

  “Is everything okay, baby?” she asks.

  “Yeah, angel. It’s Nick.” Coming into view, she sees me. Instantly, her eyebrows draw in, and I see the sorrow.

  “Nick? Are you okay? You want to come in?”

  “No, sweetheart, you and Melody need to rest, I didn’t want to wake you guys.” That mama bear face she got the day Melody was born is now directed at me, and I can’t help but smile. Besides Ben, Sadie is my closest friend. Kate is my best friend, but also the woman I love, so she isn’t in that same category.

  “Don’t pull that crap with me, Nick,” her southern drawl threatens. “You got us a suite big enough for the entire band. I’ll shut her bedroom door, and we can talk in the living room. Come in.”

  Knowing she won’t let me leave, I step in when she moves aside with Ben.

  “Thanks, guys.”

  “Always. I’ll be back. I’m going to shut her door.” Sadie leaves us, and Ben moves us to the seating area in
the living room.

  “She wasn’t joking. I thought our one-bedroom suite was nice; this is an apartment,” I comment on the large two-bedroom suite I booked for them.

  “Yeah, it was nice to have some alone time with my wife.”

  “Good. I’m glad to hear. How’s Mel?”

  “Good, we ordered her ice cream and watched Frozen 2, so she was living large.” We both chuckle.

  “Love that girl. She’s just like her mom.”

  “Yeah, and I’m the bastard who gets to lose his hair and age faster, because I will be chasing away a lot of motherfuckers.”

  “Ain't that the truth. Who would have thought? Ben Cooper the rock star. Now, Ben Cooper the softy rock-star father,” I tease, the banter a nice distraction from what’s happening with Kate.

  “Fuck off.”

  “What’s going on, sweetie?” Sadie steps back in the room, taking a seat next to Ben on the couch. I sit in the chair just to the left of them.

  “When we were cleaning Eric’s apartment,” I start, getting straight to the point, “I found a box with a letter taped to it with Kate’s name.”

  “Okay, what did she find in it?”

  When I look to Ben, he nods, urging me to continue.

  “I didn’t give it to her.”

  “Oh no, Nick….” Sadie trails off.

  “Yeah, I know. But I gave it to her tonight.”

  “And?” Ben prompts.

  “I don’t know. She was asleep, and I left it there for her. With a note. The box is on the bus, so it’s just the letter.”

  “What do you think's in it?” Sadie’s worried eyes come to me.

  “I don’t know. Maybe an apology. Hopefully not something that’s going to make her regret us.”

  “Us?” Ben and Sadie implore in unison.

  “Yeah. Us.” I look back and forth between the two, and with that single look, they pick up on exactly what I mean by “us.” “Anyway, I left it with her to read when she wakes up, and I didn’t want to be there. I felt she needed space to read it.” I stand up, realizing just how torn up inside I am. Worried doesn’t even cover it. Feeling like she’s about to read this letter and push me away again is eating me alive.

  “Nick, she’s my best friend. If she let you in like you’re indicating, then you don’t need to be worried.” Sadie comes to stand next to me by the window. Placing her hand on my shoulder, she turns me to her. “If Kate lets you in, she won’t just walk away. Look at what she went through with Eric, and she stayed. And that was different.”

  “Very different,” Ben adds, still sitting on the couch. I look to him then back to Sadie.

  “She loves you, and you need to trust that,” Sadie continues.

  “I know. I just want to get to the place where she and I can be us and Kate can be her again. Do you guys remember Kate before all this?”

  “Yes, I do,” Ben says matter-of-factly with a hint of annoyance.

  Sadie and I look to him and laugh.

  “I liked it when she would piss you off. Don’t lie; you miss it,” I tell him.

  “Maybe. Listen, we all want Kate back, and we will get her back, but we have to be patient and trust her strength.”

  “Exactly. Ben’s right. Kate isn’t just a martyr who makes us want to shake her out of it, but she’s also the strongest person I know. Give her time. Trust who you both are, and she’ll find her way back. Promise.” Sadie winks. I swear this five-foot five southern sweetheart could be a motivational speaker. Instantly, a weight rises off my shoulders.

  “How are you so smart for your young age? You make old chaps like me feel like chumps,” I tell her.

  “Faith. God. My devilishly stubborn husband and sassy daughter.”

  “You love it, baby.” Ben bites his lip and shoots her a grin.

  “Not with me here, animals.” Rolling my eyes, I move back to sit on the chair.

  “She had enough of me tonight. I’m giving her a break.” Ben keeps at it.

  “Ben Cooper, this will be the last night we do that if you keep talking about our private time.” Sadie is so pure, her religious side still outshining anything else. Very conservative as always.

  “Can we talk about something else please? Save your foreplay for someone else.”

  “Agreed.” Sadie ends the conversation there, starting a new one. “So, we have a few more weeks until we head to Europe. You guys excited? I know I am!”

  This is enough to distract me for now.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Kate

  I wake up cold and alone. Sitting up, I hold the sheet to my body and look around the room.

  “Nick?” I softly call out to what I can already tell is an empty suite. I hurry to stand to get dressed and go in search of him, but when I stand, I see something fall from the bed onto the floor. Looking closer, I see a note and letter. Picking them up, I read the note first.

  Kate,

  This is for you. You need to read it, but before you do…

  I love you, and nothing will change that. I will be down in the hotel bar. If you read this and it tells you something that will pull you away from me, I will let you go, but only for now.

  I love you.

  Nick

  Instantly, my stomach drops to the pit of my stomach. I notice the handwriting that spells out my name on the letter in my opposite hand.

  “Eric,” I whisper. Why would Nick leave me alone to read this? Where did he go? Did he read this and know it would change my mind about us? Did he not experience what I did those few hours we spent kissing, touching, and exploring our love and passion for each other?

  Is this going to change me? I begin to second guess myself. Waiting a good ten minutes, I finally talk myself into reading the letter. I won’t know until I read whatever is in the pages of the thick envelope. Releasing a deep breath, I open it. I remove the papers, not ready to read it but knowing there is no other option. These are the last words from Eric, words I never got to hear.

  Kate, a goddess among unworthy men.

  If you are reading this, it wasn’t a matter of if the addiction would take, but more a matter of when. I never wanted this for you or me. To lose you. To not overcome my demons. But I didn’t have a choice. You’re probably thinking I did, because your belief and faith in me was by far the greatest conviction I’ve ever seen in a person. You believed in me, and I’m sorry to have let that belief become wasted.

  There are many things I need to say, and everything I’m about to, I wish I could have said to your face. In the flesh. But I’ll never see you again. Even writing about something that hasn’t happened is killing me. To know I won’t ever be a part of your life again is devastating but also relieving. You deserve so much better than what I could ever give you. I think if I would have made it out of the addiction, I still wouldn’t have been good enough for you.

  I put you through fucking hell, Kate. Really shitty things. And I will apologize for all of it, and I want to start with making sure you understand that it was never you. How cliché to say it wasn’t you, it was me. But no one has ever really meant it like I do right now. You were the only good thing about my life. The only beautiful thing I had to cherish, and I couldn’t even do that.

  You never caused me to do any of the terrible things I did. That was all me, and I hid behind the excuses of my upbringing, but it’s true, Kate. What I went through, the abuse, the drugs, no one being there to love me when I was growing up, those were enough to destroy a man and turn him into a monster. Please forgive the monster in me. Remember the good parts. The easy parts. All the good things that you saw. Please try to only remember those. Try to forget the insults, the lies, the cheating, the heartache. That’s a lot to ask and, quite honestly, unfair. But I have to at least try. Because you deserve to be happy again. You deserve to breathe and overcome what damage I left.

  But you aren’t the kind who can’t overcome. Contrary to what you and others may think. You aren’t a fucking martyr, Kate. You’re a savio
r, and you’re the strongest woman I know. You don’t need someone like me to tell you to overcome and move on. You have that strength on your own. My empty—to you—words don’t need to tell you that.

  That’s what these probably feel or seem like to you, more empty words, but they are the words I back with the most meaningful conviction.

  I’m sorry, Kate. And it was never you.

  I’m also sorry for being awful with you physically. The pain I inflicted. The lack of respect, and the softness I never showed your body. That may be the hardest pill for me to swallow. To know I tainted you emotionally and even more so physically. You deserved soft touches, quiet whispers of praise. To be cherished. And I failed you there too.

  But my biggest sorry is for what I’m about to tell you. I’m only telling you this, because I’m selfish, Kate, and I know you. You don’t have it in you not to make this right. To right my wrongs and fix my mistakes. I’m selfish, because I know this and I’m still asking you to do it for me. I hope you hate me for doing this. I hope this is finally the thing that really sets you free from me, that turns that love into hate.

  The first time I cheated on you, it was with a junkie, a groupie. You already knew that. Hell, even high, I remember that fight and the pain I saw. That was the first time I ever made you cry. The Kate Beckett—the strong, fearless, kickass, and boundless Kate. You cried because of me, and yet you took me back. And the first time I broke your heart will now come back full circle and break it even more.

  I need to make sure I tell you this before I continue. You were one of the reasons I got sober each time. I tried to stay that way for you, but you weren’t the only one I was fighting for. So let this be known and another piece of proof that it was never you. I found out two years ago that I have a daughter, Kate. The woman I cheated on you with got pregnant, and just like me, a real junkie, the addiction killed her, and my daughter was left in the system. Just like I was.

  Kate, she can’t be there. I can’t let her end up like me. The system is how I lost me and how I ended up here. I wanted to get sober to save her, because they weren’t going to give a junkie his child. This letter comes with a box. In this box, you will find my living will and testimony. No one knows about it. Not even Nick.