Loving Kate Beckett (The Loving Series Book 2)

by CC Monroe

  I have named you guardian of her. The number of my lawyer is also in there, and he will help you gain custody. Please, Kate. Get her out of there. I’m sorry to once again call on you to save me and put my world and burdens on your shoulders, but she deserves the best, and the best is you. No one will ever be able to take care of her the way you can. Her name is Josie. When I heard her name and saw her face for the first time, I knew I loved her, but yet I failed her like I failed you.

  Please forgive me. Please. I love you, Kate Beckett, and I always will. I will burn in hell for all I’ve done to you, and it still won’t be enough punishment. Teach her about me, but please only tell her about the good. Don’t let her have any more pain or demons like her deadbeat parents. This is goodbye, Kate. I love you.

  Thank you for the happiest moments of my life.

  -Eric

  My heart collapses on me, the faint beat I had now lost. The letter shakes in my trembling hands, my tears landing on the pages. My brain isn’t able to function or understand what I just read. What he asked me. Did he even ask me that, or am I reading things that aren’t there? I drop the letter to the bed, looking around the room for my clothes. I need Nick. He’s all I can think of and search for in the darkness swallowing me whole. Quivering legs barely get me to my clothes on the floor. Dressing myself, my brain spins out of control and I swear I’m about to pass out.

  Knowing I can’t make it to the bar, I find my phone. Moving on autopilot, I search Nick’s name and hit the Call button. It rings twice before his low, concerned voice tumbles through the line. “Kitten?”

  “Nick!” I cry, and that’s all I have left. Dropping the phone to the ground with a soft thud, I fall to knees and cry.

  How could he do this to me? Eric was right. That love has turned into something else. Anger. Bitterness. Absolute rage.

  He knew this would kill me, and he still did it to me. Bastard. I cry into my hands with such force one would think the ground would crumble under me. A fire that I lost suddenly ignites under me. I find my fight again, and I want to punch everything and throw whatever I can find.

  I wasn’t his only victim. This letter holds nothing but empty words that he swore held conviction. He destroyed me and put me through hell and claimed to have loved me, but I wasn’t enough. What’s worse? Josie—she wasn’t enough either. How could a child not be enough to change someone?

  Josie. I think of her. She would be a little over three now. Lost and alone without anyone. Eric has no parents, and I’m assuming the birthmother didn’t either, or they are just as worse off as she was. Now this little girl is left with no one and nothing to love her. But me. I have to. Eric’s right. There is no way I have it in me to let another soul be tainted and destroyed by him.

  “Kate!” Nick’s worried voice breaks through the fog of my internal nightmare. Coming to me, he leans down and picks me up off the floor, and I fall into him, because for once, I need someone to carry the burdens. “What happened?” he asks, his voice dripping with concern.

  “I can’t. I can’t talk about it. Just hold me until I can figure it all out,” I beg. Taking it upon myself, I climb him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms tightly around his neck, and he sits right there, in the middle of the floor. I bury my face in his shoulder, and I cry out my rage, my hurt, my anger, and the remorse I have for Josie. I could never imagine my child facing the life she is. If I could bring Eric back, I would say all the things I'm feeling to him. Stare him dead in the eye and deep into his soul until he could feel my resentment.

  No knife Eric ever stabbed into my heart was as deep and brutal as this one.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Nick

  Whatever Kate read in that letter clearly isn’t good. We’ve been sitting here on the floor in the middle of the room, and she has gone from crying to a fiery rage burning in her eyes. Whiplashes of emotions that I let her have until she’s ready to speak.

  It’s nearly three in the morning before she finally calms herself down enough to fall asleep. What the hell was in that damn letter? I’m almost tempted to read it, but I don’t. It needs to be Kate who tells me or gives me the okay to read it. Still, not knowing what’s in it doesn’t change the fact that I’m angry. Even dead, he still finds a way to take control of her and bring wreckage to her life.

  I will say I haven’t seen that much life in her eyes since before her and Eric’s relationship went bad. It was both hard but refreshing to watch. It’s as if she got this fight back and she wasn’t going to let Eric have any more of her emotions. Maybe it was a hostile goodbye letter? Did he tear her down? Blame her for his death? His addiction? Or something else? These thoughts work in overdrive, and it eventually exhausts me, and I fall asleep with Kate nuzzled safely in my arms. We will face the shitshow when dawn comes.

  §

  “Nick, open up! We need to go!” The pounding on the door alongside Ben’s voice wakes me. Kate wakes up alongside me, both of us hazy for the first few seconds. Reaching for my phone on the nightstand, I look at the time.

  “Shit! Kitten, we’re late. We have to get on the bus or we’ll be late to the venue.”

  “Okay.” Removing herself from me, she starts to get up. I stop her before she can get all the way up, grabbing her wrist.

  “Hey. Give me a kiss.” Last night was a whirlwind, and we have a five-hour bus ride to talk about it, but I want her to at least get the day going knowing that she and I are still in this together and last night meant something.

  “I love you,” I tell her, letting her go.

  “I know you do.” Giving me a small smile, she sets into motion, finding her shoes and putting them on. “I’m going to head to my room and get my bag.”

  “Give me a minute and I’ll go with.” The pounding continues, and Kate smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

  “No, it’s okay. I’ll take Sadie with me. I’ll be okay. I promise.”

  “I know you will. Take Sadie. I’ll see you at the bus, kitten.”

  “See you then.” I don’t miss her grabbing the letter before leaving. She opens the door, and Ben enters.

  “We are barely making the time, brother.”

  “I know. Sorry, we didn’t go to bed till late.”

  “And?” Ben implores.

  I shrug. “She wasn’t ready to talk about it. She was quiet most of the night. Crying then getting this look of pure rage in her eyes.”

  “Damn. This will be an interesting five hours.”

  “You’re telling me.” I finish packing up my bag. “I need to go make sure the boys are all ready.”

  “They are. I already got their asses up and going.”

  “Oh, thanks. You didn’t have to do it.”

  “Clearly, I did.” He laughs.

  “True. Let’s go. I don’t need a crowd full of pissed-off fans demanding a refund.”

  “Amen.”

  §

  “Hey, mind if I have a minute with Kate?” I step into the back room, interrupting Sadie and Kate from their movie. I got busy having to get the driving going and check in with the guys as well as answer and make calls. The first hour, I was caught up, so Sadie and Kate went to the back of the bus, a distraction Sadie agreed to help me with.

  “Yeah, is that all right?” Sadie turns to ask Kate.

  Looking at me, Kate gives me a loving smile, and I relax. That look tells me that she’s still here with me. With the rush and go this morning, I didn’t have enough time to make sure we were solid.

  “Yeah, we will watch the rest later. Thanks, Sade.”

  Reassuring her, she gently rubs her forearm. Sharing a knowing look with me, Sadie leaves, patting my chest on the way out. Closing the door behind me, I turn and approach Kate slowly. Sitting up, she places her feet on the ground and makes room for me next to her. I take the seat.

  “You ready to talk about it?”

  Pausing for a pregnant moment, she concedes.

  “I think so. It’s a lot, fair warning.�
��

  “Kitten.” I chuckle. “I think I can handle it.”

  She breathes out, the gust of air moving the hair from her face.

  “I think you should read the letter. My words wouldn’t be able to describe just what it entails.” Reaching behind her, she grabs the letter off the shelf behind the couch. She holds it in her hand for a minute, staring at it like it’s sacred. I’m sure it is. “Here.” Handing it to me, she places her hands on her still-flat stomach and stands, starting to pace.

  “Kate, I don’t have to read this if—”

  “No, no. I need you to. It’s fine. Just read it, please.” Watching her for a minute, I finally give in. Pulling out the letter, I start.

  With each paragraph, I grow more and more confused, angry, a tad remorseful for Eric. But when I read the last two, I no longer have words. No wonder she had me read it. When I finish, I set the letter on the ottoman, intertwine my fingers, and drop my head.

  What in the actual fuck, Eric? I think to myself. Out of all the shit he did, this is by far the fucking worst. To do this to Kate. To lay that responsibility on her, like he was asking her to take care of a dog, not a fucking child.

  “Say something,” Kate whispers. Running my hands through my hair, I look up.

  “What do we need to do? What do you want to do?” This isn’t up to me. I told Kate I would love her still and be there, and I don’t plan to back out on my word.

  “I think you know, Nick.”

  This is exactly why I’m angry. He even admitted it in the letter. He knew she was too good a woman to not make sure this little girl named Josie was taken care of.

  “Okay.”

  “Okay? What does that mean for us? I understand me being pregnant is a lot and asking you to stay was a leap, but I understand if you can’t take this on.”

  “Don’t go there. I’m not leaving you or letting you leave me, and if you try, I will follow you to the ends of the earth. We aren’t backing out now.”

  “Nick—”

  “No, Kate. Don’t piss me off. I’m not in the mood to fight.”

  “I’m not trying to fight. I’m just offering you an out.”

  “I don’t want a damn out, kitten. I love you. I finally have you, and I’m not letting you leave me.” My words come out far more dangerous and possessive than I wanted them to. Kate falls silent. I stand and go to leave.

  “Nick? Don’t leave. You can’t say you won’t let me leave and then leave us hanging like this.”

  “I’m not. I’m grabbing the box.”

  “Oh.” Looking down at her stomach, she rubs it as if it’s the only thing bringing her comfort. I want to be that comfort, but first, she needs the box. The band all gathers in the front kitchen and living room area. I feel them watching me reach into my suitcase and retrieving the box. Too concerned with getting back to Kate, I don’t even give them a glance.

  Closing the door again, ensuring our privacy, I see Kate has returned to sitting on the couch. Her knee bounces up and down, anxiously waiting for me to give her the box. I don’t know what’s in it other than the will he mentioned in the letter. It sure as hell isn’t light, so I imagine there’s more. Hopefully we aren’t opening a bigger can of worms, but really, what else could be in there that could surprise us at this point?

  “Will you open it? I don’t think I'm mentally in a place to do it.” She laughs, but it's an ironic one.

  “Yes, I can.” Lifting the lid, I immediately see three large wads of rolled cash. Under that, there’s what looks to be two letters.

  “That’s a lot of money.” She gulps.

  “Yeah,” I respond, pulling it out and digging out the letters. The first one says Will on it, which was to be expected. However, under that one—now that leaves us both speechless.

  Nick. My name is written on the envelope.

  “What is it?”

  I turn it to her and show her. Kate’s breath hitches. I look at it again and debate what to do. Eric and I never saw eye-to-eye. We barely tolerated each other. What could he possibly have to say to me?

  “Read it,” Kate prompts softly.

  “I don’t have to right now. We’re still trying to figure out the last one.”

  “No, read it. Please.”

  “All right.” Opening the letter, I unfold the trifold and read aloud.

  Nick.

  You’re reading this, because we both know now that I’m gone, Kate can finally get what she deserves. You. I know you and I never had a care for each other, but we did have one thing in common. We both loved the same wild, insanely beautiful, and outspoken woman. Where we really differed, however, is she loved you in a way she didn’t love me. I became a pity obligation to her, and I selfishly took that. Because it meant that I got to keep her.

  But I know she read that letter, and I know if I wasn’t already dead, she would kill me herself. Don’t let her do this alone. She needs someone to be there for her for once. For years, she lost everything to take care of me, and now it's all I ask from you that you do what I couldn't.

  Love her in all the ways I knew I couldn't. Hell, do I even need to ask, man? I saw the way you looked at her, and make no mistake I saw her look the same way at you. It used to make me jealous. Still does, but at least I know there will be someone to make her forget all the awful things I did to her.

  You know about Josie now. And you know my story. So you should see why I laid such a heavy burden on her. But I’m laying it on you too, because Josie and Kate deserve a real man to keep them happy and safe, and the only man I know to do that is you. You stubborn, pain in the ass motherfucker. I’m laughing as I write that because of how ironic this is. To write a letter to the man who always had my lady’s heart.

  Anyway. Take care of her. Be her remedy. Make sure that all those years I wasted are worth something now. Don’t be another letdown in a long line I started.

  -Eric

  “Nick?” I didn’t realize it’s been a minute since I finished reading the letter until Kate says my name.

  “Yeah, kitten?” I put back on my brave face and bury my emotions deep. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m actually feeling.

  “I know this is a lot, and it seems like each day—well, more like passing second—this gets more complicated and muddier. But one thing that isn’t is how I feel for you. I don’t want to do this without you.”

  “Oh, baby, you don’t have to. Come here.” Putting the letter down, I pull her into my lap and cradle her against me. “I’m not leaving. We lost enough time. No more is going to be wasted.” A noise leaves her, and it’s both relief and overwhelming pain.

  “I have to go home, talk to the lawyer. Get this all figured out,” she speaks through the tears.

  “I’ll go with you.”

  “But the tour.”

  “No, you’re my first priority. I have a buddy who can come out and help with the tour.”

  “I can’t ask you to do that.” Pulling back, she searches my face.

  “You’re not. I’m telling you, because I want to.” She thinks about fighting me; it’s written all over her face. But she resists, knowing it’s an argument she will lose.

  “Okay. Tomorrow?”

  “Yes, let me get some things in order and make it through tonight’s show, and we will take a flight out first thing in the morning.”

  “Thank you.” She rewards me with a soft kiss to my cheek, her lips feeling like home. I want more. Her taste. Her warmth. This is only the start of a journey we both have no idea how to travel, but we will together.

  “You and Sadie finish the movie, and I will take care of things.” I go against everything inside me. If I could, I would sprawl Kate under me and make love to her until she fell asleep. Wanting that so I could seal this moment of surety that we are solid and nothing is going to be strong enough to break us down.

  “Will you come back and be with me? I just want to be lost in you right now.”

  I all but groan. She and I both.

>   “I will. I want that too. I'll be in the front of the bus. I’ll even leave the door open so you have a straight shot to where I'll be. You need to rest; you and the baby have been stressed enough.”

  Surprisingly, she doesn’t disagree.

  “Okay.”

  We kiss again, this one longer, our tongues stealing each other’s taste so it will linger in our absence. Pulling away reluctantly, I separate us and head to the kitchen.

  “Sadie, you can head back in and finish the movie. I have stuff I need to do.”

  “Okay. Love you, babe,” she tells Ben, climbing out of his lap and heading back. Ben meets me at the table, and I shake my head.

  “Don’t even ask. It’s too long a story, and I need to get some work done.”

  “Wasn’t going to. What’s the plan?”

  “I’m calling up my friend Stoger. He is going to come out and manage while I take a leave.”

  “All right, how long?”

  “Not sure yet.” I appreciate him not arguing me on my choice. Will it be different and an adjustment for the band? Yes. But I choose Kate.

  “All right, we will have a band meeting before rehearsals. I’ll leave you to it.”

  Putting the phone to my ear, I nod. “Thanks, man. Stoger! Hey, it’s Nick. I need to ask a huge favor.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Kate

  “Kate, that’s a lot. How can you just take that on?” Sadie asks me after I fill her in on everything. The credits of the movie we were supposed to watch but didn’t are playing in the background.

  “Wouldn’t you?”

  “Kate.”

  “Wouldn’t you?” I ask her again.

  “Well, yeah, but—”

  “No buts. This is what has to be done, and I am in no way doing this for Eric. This is for that little girl who deserves something better.”

  “Okay.” She ceases all hesitation and sides with me.