Love's Pardon

by Darlene Mindrup

  The look he gave Anna nearly buckled her knees.

  Jumping to his feet, he told them in a voice that brooked no argument, “That’s enough. I have to go.”

  He quickly left the room, but it was some time before Anna was able to breathe properly.

  Lucius strode from his mother’s room trying to bring his thoughts and feelings back into subjection.

  He had gone with the express purpose of finding Anna and trying to discover if her feelings for him were anything like what he felt for her, but he had gotten sidetracked by his mother’s wan appearance.

  His mind whirled in confusion, his thoughts a jumbled mixture of what his mother had said and what Anna had been doing.

  What had his mother meant when she said that she was a stumbling block to him? How was that even possible? If not for her, he didn’t know where he might be. It was only his mother’s calming influence that kept him from turning into the monster he sometimes felt himself to be.

  And what of Anna? She had grown from an obscure little nothing in his mind to the one thing he could not get out of his thoughts.

  Andronicus was waiting for him in the atrium deep in conversation with Petronius. Both their looks swung his way as he approached, and Petronius rose to his feet.

  “Your mother? Is she well?”

  Was she well? No, doubtless she was not. Was she as stubborn as ever? Definitely.

  “She is as well as can be expected.”

  Petronius pulled a scroll from his toga sleeve and handed it to Lucius. “The name and address of one of Rome’s finest physicians is in this. If he can’t help your mother, no one can.”

  Lucius smiled in appreciation. He took the scroll, tapping it against his palm. “I appreciate this more than you can know.”

  Petronius nodded. “I will leave you now. I believe Andronicus has made the final arrangements for your trip to Rome.”

  Petronius disappeared into the peristyle and Lucius turned to Andronicus.

  “So, everything is ready?”

  Andronicus jerked his head in affirmation. “Aye, Tribune. We sail in two days.”

  Lucius seated himself on one of the couches in the atrium, leaning back and blowing out a breath. “It can’t be too soon for me.”

  Andronicus smiled. “It will be good to get back to Rome. It will be nice not to have to look over my shoulder everywhere I go, expecting an attack at any minute.”

  Lucius nodded absently, his attention suddenly arrested by his mother and Anna heading into the triclinium for the evening meal. He could still feel the spot where Anna’s cool hand had applied the unguent to his back. His reaction to her surprised him. It had been a long time since he had even noticed a woman, much less desired one.

  “You have had some of the most beautiful women in Rome fairly panting after you,” Andronicus told him, “and yet you seem to have fixated your attention upon this one little Jewish girl with no looks to speak of.”

  Lucius glared at him, ready to argue the point, but something in Andronicus’s look made him hesitate.

  “Are you talking about me, my friend, or yourself? I notice whenever Tapat is about you seem to be preoccupied.”

  Andronicus’s face colored, but he met Lucius’s eyes squarely. “What is it about these Jewish women? It’s as if once smitten men can never be free of them.”

  Lucius studied his friend curiously. “Do you want to be?”

  Andronicus didn’t answer. Shrugging his shoulders, he followed Lucius as he rose to go into the triclinium.

  Reclining couches were laid out in a circular pattern around a small table in the center. The frescoes on the walls here were much like his mother’s house in Jerusalem, giving the impression of being in Rome.

  Lucius chose the couch next to his mother as the two on each side of Anna had already been confiscated by Petronius’s daughter and eldest son. Anna was laughing at something they said, her musical voice bringing a smile to more than one face in the vicinity.

  Throughout the meal, Lucius found his attention drifting more and more often to Anna. He couldn’t seem to help himself, though he noticed that she deliberately ignored him, answering any questions he put to her as briefly as possible. He wasn’t certain whether to be vexed or amused.

  What were her feelings for him? He knew without conceit that she was attracted to him, he had had enough experience with women to know that, but how deep did those feelings run? He had to know. With that intent, he followed her into the peristyle after the meal was finished and the others had retired for the night.

  The moon was a golden orb in the night, reminding him of the night he had found her. She was unaware of his presence and he stood silently watching her for a few minutes. She lifted her face to the night sky, and a beam of reflected moonlight shone fully on her face, giving it an ethereal glow.

  He began to wonder if Andronicus might have been right about the attractions of Jewish women, for he found Anna to be more lovely each time he saw her.

  He moved forward and she started, turning at his approach. Her eyes went wide and she looked as though she were about to flee in panic.

  “The night is beautiful,” he told her, trying to put her at ease. He noticed her breathing coming in short bursts. She was truly afraid of him, but she stood quietly as he drew closer. She refused to look him in the eye, instead watching the fish in the fountain. She sat down beside the pool and allowed her fingers to slide through the water.

  “It is a beautiful night,” she finally answered.

  He noticed that much as he had done earlier, she was fighting to get her emotions under control. He sat on the edge of the fountain and looked into her face.

  “Anna, why are you so afraid of me?”

  Anna took several deep breaths trying to answer that question herself. He had never been anything but kind to her, so why did she fear him? True, he was a symbol of Roman power and authority, but he had never used that against her.

  And then she realized that it wasn’t him that she was afraid of, but herself.

  “I am not afraid of you, Tribune.”

  “I thought we had agreed that you would call me Lucius.”

  She did meet his eyes then, a slight smile quirking her lips. “I’m sorry, but it’s hard to see you as anything else when you are always in uniform.”

  He returned her smile. “Is that what it would take to make you stop looking at me as though I were a lion?”

  Anna frowned in bewilderment. What exactly did she want from him? When he was near, some sense of self-preservation made her want to flee from his presence, but when he was gone, she couldn’t wait for his return.

  “You confuse me, Lucius.”

  He rose to his feet and his face was cast in shadow when he looked down at her. “Then we are walking the same path, little Anna, because you confuse me, as well.”

  He lifted a hand to her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. Surprised by his answer, she forgot to step away. But then, she didn’t really want to. His stroking thumb was mesmerizing. Her mind was trying to warn her but she hushed it into silence. This moment had been coming for a long time and was as impossible to revoke as it was for the moon to stop shining.

  He bent his head to her, his lips pressing softly against hers until he felt her innocent response. Then he deepened the kiss until Anna thought she would surely faint from the feelings rushing through her. If there had been any doubts before, he had laid them to rest with his kiss. She loved him, more than she realized it was possible to love someone.

  But why was he attracted to her? Was she just the closest woman at hand for him to play with and then discard? Having been rejected all of her life, she doubted that a man as handsome and virile as Lucius could truly be attracted to someone like her. That thought broke over her like the cold snow in winter, and she
pulled her lips away and tried to move out of his grasp, but he wouldn’t release her.

  He frowned. “What’s wrong?”

  “I need to go inside. It’s late. Your mother might need me.”

  Smiling, he tried to pull her back into his arms. “I need you.”

  She fought him, struggling against his superior grip. He quickly released her, his look one of uncertainty.

  “You really are afraid of me, aren’t you?”

  She didn’t know how to answer him. Yes, she was afraid of him, afraid that he would tempt her to forget herself and her vows to her Lord, afraid that when he tired of playing with her he would abandon her for someone more beautiful, more enticing.

  But she was more afraid of herself. She was afraid that her faith wasn’t strong enough to ward off the seduction of a normal life with a man. A life she could never have with Lucius because he was an unbeliever, and she was very afraid he would never be able to overcome his hatred for his father enough to see past his pain to the only Father that really mattered. As she had done. Oh, Lord, how could I forget You so quickly? Forgive me.

  “Yes, Lucius, I am afraid of you. You could hurt me in more ways than you can possibly know.”

  “I would never hurt you,” he told her in frustration.

  She pushed away the hand he was reaching out to her, and in the moonlight she saw his countenance darken with anger at her rejection.

  “Anna...”

  Before they could say another thing, Andronicus came into the garden. He glanced from one to the other, one dark brow winging upward.

  “The ship’s captain is here to see you,” he told Lucius. “He has changed his schedule and wishes to leave tomorrow.”

  “What?”

  Lucius glanced at Anna and she could see the struggle he was going through as he tried to determine his priorities. She made the decision for him.

  “I have to go.”

  She could feel him watching her as she left the garden, her heart shattering into a thousand pieces.

  Chapter 11

  Lucius leaned against the bulwark of the ship and stared out over the Great Sea, the one the Romans called the Mare Nostrum. The sun shone brightly on the choppy blue water, but a dark bank of clouds could be seen from behind far in the distance.

  The captain had been adamant about leaving, his joints telling him there was bad weather coming. Lucius snorted, shaking his head at the man’s foolishness. It was the beginning of the dry season, yet the man based his shipping on his aching joints.

  Andronicus joined him, leaning his forearms against the bulwark. “We’re making good time.”

  Lucius glanced at him and nodded. “We should reach Rome in less than a week at this rate. We’ll need to stop in Sicily to replenish supplies, but that should be no problem.”

  Andronicus studied the sea, but Lucius could tell that something was on the man’s mind. He waited, knowing that Andronicus would speak in his own time after he got his thoughts into whatever kind of order necessary to get the information he was looking for.

  “Lucius,” he finally started. “Your mother and Tapat have been more than master and servant for many years, yet you said that Tapat had responsibilities in Jerusalem. Surely she would have been better suited to be with your mother than Anna.”

  Lucius reined in his quickly fired temper at the slight to Anna, realizing that Andronicus was making a valid argument, at least from his point of view. If he told Andronicus what kept Tapat in Jerusalem, he had no doubt the man would honor the secret, yet it was not his secret to divulge.

  “Tapat is where she needs to be,” he told him and left it at that. He could tell that Andronicus wished to question him further but he wisely refrained. He moved from the rail, giving Lucius one last look before he walked away.

  Sighing, Lucius returned to his reflections, which inevitably focused on Anna. He was no better than Andronicus, pining after a woman who seemed to be out of his reach. Anna had made certain that they had no time alone together. Every moment had been spent helping his mother to pack and get ready to sail, and every moment since had been spent in the cabin below.

  His thoughts inevitably fixated on that kiss in the moonlit garden. He had kissed her, testing the waters so to speak. There was an attraction between them that was like nothing he had ever encountered before, but was it merely his instinct to conquer that was driving him? Or was it perhaps the fact that she had such an aura of peace about her despite what she had been through, and he had hungered after such peace for a long time. The kind of peace that was not brought about by sword and blood, like the Pax Romana, the Roman Peace forced upon conquered countries.

  Her innocent response to his kiss had quickly fired a response in him he hadn’t been quite prepared for. He had always gone into a relationship knowing what he wanted and was more than happy to end the association when he received it. With Anna, he was plowing new ground. He realized that she was right in what she had said. He could hurt her, and he didn’t want to do that.

  Her kiss had been hesitant, seeking something from him, and he knew he couldn’t give her what she was looking for. He was a man with blood on his hands and fire in his heart, a scarred man. What she needed was a gentle man, one who would share her faith and bring her the happiness she deserved. He was not that man.

  Restless, he wandered around the ship checking on his men and making certain that all their supplies were well protected. He had to keep his mind busy to keep it from straying into forbidden territories. If he didn’t get this situation with Anna resolved soon, he was going to go mad. It would be best if he stayed away from the woman altogether. As if that was going to happen on a ship in the middle of the sea, he thought wryly.

  Still, he had learned long ago how to hide his feelings. It had been necessary to survive both his father and the atrocities that had been a large part of his life for many years. Tenderness of any kind could get a man killed in the world he lived in.

  Now the question was, how did he stay away from the very thing that he wanted more than anything?

  Anna had seen very little of Lucius for the duration of the trip across the Great Sea. Even in Sicily he managed to avoid her whenever possible, leaving her more confused than ever. If he thought she was going to take advantage of his slight indiscretion in the garden, he could very well think again. And right now, she had more to worry about than a soldier’s attempt at seduction. Leah was growing weaker physically, although her mind was astute enough.

  “Leah, I cannot accept your generous offer. You have done enough for me already and, in truth, I owe you more than I could ever hope to repay.”

  Leah tried to make her take the bag of coins again. “I insist, Anna. What will you do if something happens to me? I wish to make certain that you are well cared for. And don’t think I don’t know why you agreed to leave Jerusalem and come with me.”

  Anna took the bag of coins and set it on the desk next to the bed in their cabin. She grasped Leah’s hands and gently pulled her down onto the edge of the bed beside her.

  “I came because you needed me.”

  Leah shook her head. “No, you came because you love me, just as I love you. You and Tapat have both been like daughters to me.” She gave Anna a shrewd look. “I gave the same amount to Tapat and she didn’t reject me.”

  Anna sighed heavily. “Oh, Leah. I am not rejecting you.”

  Leah’s look grew serious. “Anna, I know I haven’t much time left in this life. Let me do this for you. I cannot take my money with me, nor would I even try if I could. The Lord would want me to do this for you or He wouldn’t have sent you to me.”

  Trying to hold back the tears, Anna reluctantly took the bag of coins that contained more wealth than she could have ever hoped to receive in her lifetime. Every day she understood a little better Lucius’s desperation n
ot to lose this wonderful woman.

  “Thank you,” she finally whispered huskily and hugged Leah.

  Both women had tears in their eyes when Lucius came into the room. He looked from one to the other, his eyebrow raised in question.

  Leah merely smiled at him while Anna took the pouch of coins and went to put it with her things.

  “We will be in Rome soon,” he told them. “I thought you would like to come on deck and see.”

  Anna helped Leah wrap her palla around her while picking up her own shawl and placing it around her head and shoulders.

  They followed Lucius from the cabin and up the stairs to the deck. It took a moment for their eyes to adjust to the bright sunlight after the dimness of the cabin.

  Lucius led them to the side of the ship that faced the part of Rome that had been built on the Palatine Hill, which could be seen several miles away. The sunlight shimmered off the white limestone and marble buildings in the distance.

  As they approached, Anna’s eyes grew wide with awe at the spectacular sight. Buildings taller than any she had ever seen stretched for as far as the eye could see. She had been amazed by Caesarea Maritima, but she was truly awed by the eternal city of Rome.

  Lucius was grinning down at her. “Impressive, isn’t it?”

  Leah answered him instead. “That remains to be seen.”

  Lucius merely shook his head, his smile turning wry.

  The closer they got to the city, the greater the stench rising to their nostrils. Leah and Anna both placed their shawls over their noses.

  “Where is that smell coming from?” Leah asked.

  “Rome has a very modern sanitation system,” he told them. “All of the city’s waste is piped through lead pipes to the river.”

  Both Leah and Anna gave him a dubious look. “And it always smells like this?” Anna asked.