Beyond Definition

by Wilder, Jenni

  His eyes scanned my face. “You still always call.”

  I avoided his gaze. I didn’t want to tell him what I had done. I still couldn’t believe it myself.

  His nostrils flared. “Tell me what happened, Ivy,” he said, determinedly.

  “Nothing happened,” I said slowly.

  “Why are you lying? Did—did someone hurt you?” he asked, swallowing hard.

  I shook my head. “No. Nothing like that.” I rolled on to my back away from him. I threw my arm over my face and hid in the crook of my elbow. “I just… did something stupid.”

  “You are freaking me out here, Ivy. Please tell me.” He rolled closer to me and pulled my arm away from my face to look at me.

  “Please don’t make me tell you,” I whispered.

  His face fell. He looked hurt by my refusal. “All right, Ivy,” he said sadly and rolled away from me. “As long as you’re not hurt.” He sat up and slid out of my bed.

  “Bo, wait.” I sat up and reached out after him. He turned back toward me. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I’m just really embarrassed.”

  “We tell each other everything, Ivy. We always have. Don’t start keeping secrets from me now.”

  “I don’t want you to think badly of me,” I admitted quietly.

  Bo crawled back in bed, sat cross-legged in the middle, and pulled me into his lap. “I will never think badly of you. Never. I only want to help you, whatever this is.”

  I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck. He rubbed my back in a soothing manner.

  “Is it… is it drugs, Ivy?” he asked cautiously.

  “Oh God, Bo! No! Of course not! You know me better than that,” I said, pulling back and looking at him with a smile.

  He smiled in return and breathed a sigh of relief. “I know. I know you wouldn’t do that, but you are really freaking me out, Ivy.”

  I snuggled into his chest as he hugged me close to him. We sat in silence for a long moment. I picked at my nail polish, slowly flaking it off. “Do you think I’m a slut, Bo?”

  He froze. “Why would you ask that?”

  I shrugged, and he sighed. “There may be aspects of you that other people might judge as slutty. But since when have you cared what other people think?”

  “I don’t care what other people think. I care what you think.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t like it when you go out with Kammy, but that doesn’t make it wrong.”

  “Is that a yes?” I asked stubbornly.

  He chuckled. “No. It’s a no. I don’t think you’re a slut, Ivy.”

  “You might change your mind about that.”

  “What happened, Ivy?”

  I sighed as self-loathing bubbled up inside me again. “Kammy and I went out, and I met this guy. We were dancing and we went into the bathroom… together.”

  Bo’s hands clamped into fists.

  “And afterward he told me he was married.”

  Bo was silent for a moment but then chuckled, and I looked up at him with confusion. “I would have loved to see what you did to him when he told you that.”

  I laughed. He knew me so well. “Well, let’s just say his wife will have no doubt what he did last night.”

  Bo laughed again. “That’s my girl.”

  I smiled big, but it quickly faded as I remembered my embarrassment. “So you don’t think I’m a slut?”

  Bo leaned backward, taking me with him until we were lying down with him still wrapped around me.

  “Ivy, you know I don’t like it when you go out with Kammy. I’d rather you…” He trailed off.

  “You’d rather I what, Bo?”

  He sighed. “I’d rather you be a little more concerned with your safety,” he said sternly. “You scared the hell out of me last night.”

  “I’m sorry.” I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. “I was so ashamed. I didn’t want you to know.”

  “It’s okay, Ivy,” he said, rubbing his hand on my arm. “You’re not a slut. You’re a confident, independent, strong, sexy-as-hell woman who I love.”

  I smiled up at him and kissed him quick on the lips. “I love you too, Bo. I promise I’ll never not call you again.” He gave me a small smile. “Now, come on. I’ll make you some breakfast.” I began to uncurl myself from him.

  “Wait,” he said and pulled me back closer to him. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and tightened his arms around me.

  I was surprised and confused. “Bo?” I asked, touching his shoulder.

  “Just—just let me hold you for a second,” he said into my neck.

  I didn’t know why Bo wanted this, but I remained where I was, and we held each other in silence. Eventually my stomach growled, and Bo sighed and pulled away from me.

  “What was that about?” I asked quietly.

  He sighed again and scrubbed his face with his hand. “Ivy, I honestly thought something terrible had happened last night when you didn’t call. I woke up everyone I could think of at four in the morning, including your aunt and uncle, trying to find you. So right now—right now I just needed to hold you.”

  I bit my lip but didn’t say a word. I didn’t want to be overdramatic, but really he was right. Anything could happen to me out there. And I knew he would never forgive himself if something did happen. So I nodded up at him, hoping he understood how sorry I was about last night. He smiled down at me and kissed my forehead.

  “All right. Now go make me some blueberry pancakes.”

  “Coming right up!” I said with a giggle and scampered out of bed.

  Aunt Suzy was in the kitchen when I stumbled out of my bedroom in my cotton shorts and tank top pajama outfit. I started grabbing ingredients and dishes to make Bo’s pancakes.

  “You’re chipper this morning,” my aunt said to me.

  I shrugged. “How many seasons of that show we watched last night are there?”

  “Four, I think.”

  “We should watch more together soon.”

  She watched me from over her coffee cup. “I’d like that,” she said. “Where’s Bo?”

  “Bathroom,” I said simply. “I’m making us pancakes. Want any?”

  “No, thanks. Your uncle was up at the butt crack of dawn to get inventory started, so I had breakfast with him.”

  I smiled and nodded, thankful he hadn’t asked for my help with inventory this month.

  “You must not have gotten much sleep.” We had been up fairly late watching our TV show.

  “No. Especially not when Bo woke us up in the middle of the night looking for you,” she said and eyed me.

  I cringed and focused on my pancake batter. “Sorry about that. I forgot to call him last night, and he was worried.”

  Aunt Suzy nodded. My family was used to the way my friendship was with Bo. It wasn’t unheard of for Bo and me to spend days at a time basically living at each other’s place, especially now that we were out of high school and he didn’t live with his parents anymore.

  We both kept multiple changes of clothes in the other one’s closets, and between the two of us, we had four toothbrushes. Which, now that I thought about it, would probably be a sore spot for any potential serious girlfriend for Bo. I can’t imagine walking into my boyfriend’s bathroom and seeing another woman’s toothbrush next to his in the holder. But in all honesty, I kind of liked having that sense of possession in his apartment.

  “Hey, Sue,” Bo said as he walked into the kitchen and kissed the top of her head. He had changed into jeans and a plain black T-shirt. “Sorry about waking you up last night.”

  “No worries, Bo. I’m just glad you’re looking out for our girl,” my aunt said, causing me to smile.

  “Ivy, I’m sorry but Destiny called me. There’s a problem at the shop. I gotta go check it out.”

  “Oh no. What’s wrong?”

  “Something with the computers. No big deal, I don’t think, but I have to skip breakfast.”

  “Well, here,” I
said, opening a cupboard and handing him a couple granola bars. “Take these so at least you have something to eat.”

  “Not as good as pancakes, but I’ll take them,” he said with a smile. “We still on for the movie tonight?”

  “Yes, I’ll still go with you to your lame-ass zombie movie.” I rolled my eyes with a smile.

  Bo said good-bye to Aunt Suzy, kissed me, and left to tackle his computer problem. I was sad to see him go, especially considering his lack of sleep.

  I was debating what to do with the now-unwanted bowl of pancake batter when I heard my aunt sigh, and I looked up to see her shaking her head at me.

  I cocked an eyebrow at her. “What’s that look for?”

  “You two,” she said still shaking her head.

  “Us two what?”

  “Ivy, your uncle and I have been together for thirty-three years. I know love when I see it, and I see it in Bo when he looks at you and I think you know that.”

  “Then you need your eyes checked. We’re just friends, Auntie.”

  “Mm-hmm. When’s the last time you had another friend sleep over like Bo does? How many of your other friends hold you up on a pedestal like Bo does? Neither one of you has ever really dated anyone else. Whether you admit it or not, that boy is in love with you.”

  I jabbed the whisk into the bowl of batter. “You’re wrong. Yes, we have a… peculiar friendship, but it works for us. You know that.”

  My aunt reached across the counter and patted my hand. “I do know that, sweetheart and that’s fine. But I just don’t want you to miss out on something spectacular because you’re comfortable with what you have now.”

  “What’s wrong with what I have now?”

  “Nothing, dear. If you are both happy with what you have now, then that’s fine. But I don’t think Bo is happy.”

  “He seems happy to me,” I argued but then remembered the way he desperately clung to me earlier. He had a primal need to hold me, and I still didn’t really understand what that was about.

  “You don’t see how he looks at you when he thinks no one is looking.”

  “You are overanalyzing. There’s never been anything but friendship between us.” I scraped the pancake batter into the garbage with a little more force than necessary and turned to wash the bowl out.

  “Oookay… if you say so.”

  “I do say so. Now,” I said changing the subject. “Why didn’t anyone tell me Uncle Paul hired Axel?”

  My aunt shrugged. “He couldn’t find anywhere decent to work.”

  “So we just up and let him work for us?”

  Aunt Suzy look at me confused. “Why wouldn’t we?”

  “Because he’s a lowlife drug dealer who almost put your son in jail!” I exclaimed.

  “Ivy, we have to give people second chances. Sometimes that’s when you see the best in people.”

  I looked at her with skepticism. “Yeah, right.”

  She sighed and looked at me with pity. “I know you have every right to hate your mother for what she did, but that wasn’t Axel’s fault.”

  “No, just people like Axel who supplied her with the drugs.”

  “Axel did his time behind bars, sweetheart. He deserves to have a chance to redeem himself.”

  I sighed. “We’ll see.”

  “You’ve never done anything you regretted?” she asked me pointedly.

  I looked away from her. She didn’t know how close she hit the nail on the head after my behavior last night.

  I didn’t answer her, knowing this was a losing argument. No matter what I said, I was going to end up working with him. But no matter what she said, I would always be suspicious of anyone who messed with drugs.

  She was right that Axel didn’t have anything to do with my mother, but people like him supplied my mother’s addiction and made her abandon me. So yeah, I was going to have a grudge against them.

  “It’s just a trial run, Ivy. Your uncle will be keeping a close eye on him,” she said, trying to reassure me.

  I nodded knowing Uncle Paul wasn’t the only one keeping an eye on Axel. Bo was too. Jaxson hopefully was as well. Actually, anyone who knew Axel’s history was probably going to keep an eye on him, and that made me happy.

  Chapter Six

  I spent the rest of the weekend with Bo. We went to see his stupid zombie movie which actually ended up being really good. On Sunday we hung out in his shop, and I watched him finish a sleeve for one of his regular customers.

  Sunday evening we lazed around his apartment. He watched TV while I finished my homework before we crawled in to bed and slept in each other’s arms.

  On Monday morning, he kissed me good-bye like always when he dropped me off at school before making me promise to text him if things got bad at work with Axel there.

  I was dreading going to work today. Well, that wasn’t completely true. I was dying to see if prison had changed Axel. I wanted to see if he was still drop-dead irresistible. Chances are he wouldn’t remember me, and that was fine. No matter how sexy he was, I wasn’t going to sleep with him or even flirt with him.

  So when I walked into work after Kammy dropped me off from school, it was with a sense of dread. I scanned the store looking for Axel. I didn’t know what time he was supposed to report for duty, so I quickly stashed my things in my locker and found a customer to help.

  I was in the middle of a transaction when I heard Jaxson and another person laughing as they stepped out of the office. I tried not to watch them as my cousin introduced Axel to the rest of the security team, but it was hard not to. Axel was one of those charismatic people everyone is drawn to. He simply attracted attention, and my attention was fixed on his sexy muscles. Clearly he must have worked out while in prison because he looked even bigger than I remembered.

  My inner fifteen-year-old swooned as he bent over to pick up some papers he dropped. And when he stood up, it was almost like he could sense I was checking him out because he turned, and his gorgeous green eyes locked on mine. His mouth turned up into a sexy confident smirk, and his eyes raked over me from head to toe.

  Holy hell. He was checking me out. I tried to contain the girlie squeely feeling that bubbled up inside my chest, and I mentally berated myself. Pull it together, for Christ’s sake. You’re not a fifteen-year-old, innocent, doe-eyed child with a damn schoolgirl crush anymore.

  I finished the deal with the customer I was helping and fled to the back storage room, hating myself for reacting to Axel’s heated gaze. I was a smart, determined, independent woman, dammit. I could not be reacting to this man like this. I had to get back out to the customers before someone noticed my absence. But instead of returning to the shop, I hid between two shelves full of pawned items waiting for their owners to claim them and called Bo.

  He answered on the first ring. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just wanted to talk.”

  “Liar.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “Need me to come over?” he asked. He must have already been at his shop.

  I sighed. “No… I’m a big girl.”

  Bo didn’t reply. He was probably wondering why I called if I didn't want him to come over.

  “You wanna watch that new show tonight?” I asked him, changing subjects. I had told him about the TV show my aunt introduced me to.

  “Sure. We can stream it,” he said, referring to his movie-streaming program.

  “Sweet.”

  “Better be as good as you and your aunt say.”

  “Hey, if I can sit through your dumb zombie movies and TV shows, you can watch this,” I teased.

  “You know you like my zombie fetish.”

  “Oh, it’s a fetish now, is it?” I asked with a laugh. “I thought it was just an unnatural obsession.”

  “No, definitely a fetish.” I could hear the smile in his voice.

  “Well, maybe I should dress as a zombie for Halloween this year.” I meant to tease him, but the moment the words were out of my
mouth I realized what it sounded like I was implying.

  Bo paused for a second before answering. “We could both go as zombies. They’re doing a zombie pub crawl at the Village.”

  “That actually sounds kind of awesome,” I admitted, relieved he didn’t say anything about my stupid comment. In my mind, it had sounded as if I wanted to dress as a zombie so Bo would have a fetish for me.

  “Fuck yeah. It’s more than just ‘kind of awesome,’ Ivy. This is serious zombie drinking business. I’m talking full-on-zombie mode. Blood, brains, and booze. What could be better?”

  I laughed. “You are obsessed.”

  He laughed in return. “Well, whatever you want to call it, I say it rocks.”

  I laughed and rolled my eyes to myself.

  “All right, I’ll see you later?” he asked, wrapping up the call.

  “Yeah, I’ll be over in a few hours.”

  “Cool. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  I hit ‘end call’ and slid my phone into my back pocket of my jean shorts, smiling to myself. No matter what mood I was in, Bo could always make me feel better.

  I took a deep breath and walked back into the front of the store, ready to face Axel. I opened the door and just about ran into him, my cousin, and another bouncer.

  “Jesus, Ivy. Watch where you’re going,” Jaxson said to me.

  Axel took a step back and scanned my face. “Sticks?!” he exclaimed. “Holy shit. It is you.”

  I groaned internally. Sticks was my nickname growing up. Long and lanky. It made perfect sense. I didn’t mind when my family called me by it, but it was entirely different when the man I had fantasized about for so long did it.

  “Sticks? Really? No one’s called me that in years, Axel,” I said stubbornly.

  “I can fucking see why not. Damn, you grew up.” His tongue was practically hanging out of his mouth as he stared at my body.

  I don’t care who you are, when a man like Axel loses his shit over you, you get excited. It felt so good to have him practically panting like a dog over me. Knowing I was going to have nothing to do with him made it even better. Let him lust after me from a distance, like I had to do for him for so long.

  I rolled my eyes in a huge exaggerated manner, letting him know he was wasting his time. “That does tend to happen,” I said and started walking away. I could feel his eyes burning holes on my ass.