Beyond Definition

by Wilder, Jenni

  “This job just got ten times better.” I heard him say to my cousin.

  “Don’t even waste your time, bro,” the other bouncer said to Axel as I found a customer to help, satisfied he had noticed me and been attracted. Not because I wanted him to be attracted to me, but because it felt damn good to turn him down.

  The next two weeks went by in a blur. Bo and I spent more time together than usual. I had ignored three requests from Kammy to go out with her. I couldn’t explain it, but it just didn’t seem appealing to me anymore. I was still feeling disgusted with myself over screwing a married man, and the more I analyzed it, the more I realized the club-hopping, man-hunting girl wasn’t who I wanted to be.

  Kammy was getting increasingly frustrated with my refusals to go out with her, so when she texted me while Bo and I were eating a late lunch together before I went to work, I sighed loudly and threw my phone in my purse.

  “What’s that about?” Bo asked from across the table of the fast-food burrito place where we were eating.

  I rolled my eyes. “Kammy doesn’t take no for an answer very well.”

  He sucked on his soda straw. “What are you saying no to?”

  I sighed again and picked at my burrito. “She wants me to go out with her tonight.”

  “And you don’t want to?” he asked through a mouthful of food.

  I chewed and shook my head.

  “Why not?” Bo asked.

  I shrugged but remained silent.

  “Is it because of Axel?” he asked quietly while looking down.

  “Axel?” I repeated with disgust. “What does he have to do with anything?”

  Bo took several deep breaths and stared at me with eyebrows stitched together in confusion. “I heard—” He paused and cleared his throat. “I heard—” He tried again.

  “What did you hear, Bo?” I said, angrily. I could already tell I wasn’t going to like this.

  He closed his eyes. “I heard he’s been telling people you and him have been…”

  “We’ve been what? Just tell me, Bo. I need to know how mad to be right now.”

  “He said you’ve been ‘very helpful’ with his new job,” Bo said with a disgusted look.

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’ve hardly talked to him.” That was true. We didn’t work together every day, and other than asking me out a few times, we didn’t talk much. What would we have in common to discuss?

  Bo sighed. “You wouldn't need to talk to do what he said you've done with him... if you know what I mean.”

  “He said we're hooking up?!”

  “He was bragging to the guys. One of them told me.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “Why would he do that?”

  Bo shrugged. “Apparently, hot girls don’t turn him down often.”

  I fumed in my seat, debating silently the best form of revenge against this lying, conniving jackass.

  “So it’s not true?” Bo asked quietly, looking uncomfortable.

  My head snapped to meet his eyes. “I can’t believe you would ask me that.”

  Bo gave me a look of disbelief, and that was all I could take. I stood up from the booth and stormed out of the restaurant, soda in hand. I wasn't sure who I was more pissed at. Axel for spreading rumors we were fucking around, or Bo for believing the rumors. Fucking dickheads. Both of them.

  I couldn't believe Bo really thought I would mess around with Axel. Despite repeatedly saying I wasn’t, deep down he thought I was a slut, and that hurt.

  “Ivy, wait,” Bo called from behind me. He grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him. “Don’t walk away from me.”

  “Why shouldn’t I? It’s obvious you think I’m some slut who would bang any guy that looks at her.”

  “Not any guy,” Bo said quietly.

  “What?” I said, not sure I heard him right.

  “Ivy… I’m sorry.” He pulled me closer to him. “I’m sorry I thought what I heard about you and Axel was true. I know how crazy you were over him in middle school, and I just assumed the moment he noticed how—how beautiful you are, you’d fall for him again.”

  “That hurts, Bo. I can’t believe you’d think I’d just spread my legs the minute I had the opportunity. I know I haven’t exactly been a saint, but I told you I didn’t want him anymore.”

  Bo’s nostrils flared, and his brows furrowed. “So you wanted every guy you’ve ever screwed? You really wanted every single one of them?” His voice was thick with anger.

  “Bo!” I cried and stepped back from him. I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. He was making me feel cheap and dirty.

  Regret immediately filled his face. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Oh, don’t stop now!” I shouted. “Tell me how you really feel! So what if I had screwed Axel in the backroom at work? Why do you care?”

  “BECAUSE I WISH IT WAS ME!” he shouted at me before he could stop himself.

  I wrenched my arm free from his hand and stared him down.

  He was breathing hard, and his eyes looked frantic. I felt shock go through my body as I realized what he meant.

  He took several deep breaths “I wish it was me,” he said quietly. “Every guy you're with—I wish it was me. I’m in love with you, Ivy. I think I always have been, and I can't handle the thought of you with him or any other guy.”

  His eyes searched my face, but I couldn’t tell what he saw there. I didn’t know what my expression was right now. I couldn’t feel anything other than shock.

  “This is never the way I imagined telling you but I obviously can’t hide it any longer. I hate it when you go out with Kammy. I get insanely jealous when I think about you going to some goddamn stranger’s hotel room, and I wanted to literally beat Axel’s face in when I heard you and him…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “I'm in love with you, and I don’t want anyone else to have you.”

  I was in disbelief. We were standing on a busy sidewalk with people bustling past us, and he was confessing his love for me. My aunt had been right. Bo looked miserable right now. I could see a glimmer of hope in his eyes, but for the most part he looked resigned and defeated, as if he knew confessing to me was a bad thing.

  “Wh—wh—” I stammered, trying to think of the best question to ask. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  “I told you every day, Ivy. I told you every day I loved you. You just didn’t hear what I really meant.”

  “I thought you meant as friends.”

  “No. When I told you I loved you, I meant it with my whole heart. You’re the only girl I have ever loved, and I’ll love you forever no matter what.”

  “Bo…you’re my best friend.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to be your best friend. I want to be your everything.”

  He grabbed the back of my head with his hand and brought his mouth down to mine. He hesitated briefly, but before I could react, he was kissing me.

  This was not one of our friendly kisses. This kiss was a message. Bo was trying to tell me in one kiss how much he loved me. He kissed me like he was starving man and this was his first meal in days.

  I was in shock and was unable to do anything but react to his passion instinctively and kiss him back. His desire couldn’t be refused. I wound my arms around his neck as he wrapped his around my body, and we became tightly entwined around each other. His lips caressed mine open, and he slowly pushed his tongue into my mouth and stroked mine.

  “Get a room!” someone shouted as they passed us on the sidewalk.

  I pulled my lips away from Bo’s, and we stared at each other while trying to catch our breath. I didn’t know what to say to him. We were friends! Friends! That’s all! How many countless times had I defended our friendship, only to have been wrong the whole time? How could I have not seen this? It might have just been friendship for me, but apparently it wasn’t for Bo.

  “I don't know what to say, Bo.”

  Bo's face fell. I think he had
been hoping for a more positive reaction to his kiss. “I can’t just be your friend, anymore, Ivy. Not when you finally know. I can't sit on the sidelines any longer and pretend I don't care.”

  My chest ached. “So that’s it? Either I love you or I lose you?”

  His face looked pained. “I don’t want this to sound like an ultimatum, Ivy. I don’t want to be without you either, but I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it. Watching you go out at night and waiting for you to call me to tell me you’re safe. It eats me up inside knowing you’re with some stranger when I want that to be me. I want to be the one who gets to be close to you, but mostly, I just want to take care of you and be there for you like I always have, and I want you to feel the same way for me.”

  I never cried. Things didn’t bother me like they bothered most girls. Even the sappiest romance movie wouldn’t make me cry. But now, as I heard those bittersweet words come out of Bo’s mouth, the tears welled in my eyes.

  “Please don’t do this to me, Bo. I can’t—I can’t—” I wanted to tell him I couldn’t lose him. I wanted to tell him I was in love with him too because I was pretty sure I was. Despite my denial, I knew Bo was the best thing to ever happen to me, and loving him should have been the easiest thing in the world. But I hesitated too long, and any glimmer of hope in Bo’s eyes disappeared.

  “It’s okay, Ivy. It’ll be okay.” He hugged me close before letting me go, and it felt like something inside me broke. I had just lost my best friend. I knew it. Nothing would be the same from here on out. All because I couldn’t tell him I felt the same way. Didn’t it make sense that I was in love with him? I hated the girls he dated. I needed to be around him whenever possible. He always knew what to say to make me feel better. Why couldn’t I tell him I was in love with him?

  Bo sighed. “I’ll take you home.”

  “I have to work,” I said woodenly.

  “You're not working. I’ll tell Paul you’re sick.”

  I nodded. He had just offered me his heart, and I had stomped on it, but here he was, taking care of me again.

  Bo drove me home in silence. He didn’t have anything else to say, and I didn’t know what to say to fix this. Especially when I was fighting holding my tears back the entire car ride. I won that battle until he pulled up in front of my aunt and uncle’s house and I realized when he said he was taking me home, he meant my home, not his. I couldn’t hold back my grief any longer, and I did the most selfish thing I had ever done.

  With tears running down my cheeks, I threw myself across the center console of Bo’s car. “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me,” I repeated as I hugged him close. I had no right asking him to stay with me. Not when I couldn’t tell him I loved him. But I couldn’t stop myself from begging him not to go.

  He reached up and unhooked my arms from around his neck and pushed me off him. His eyes were gleaming bright as if he would start crying as well. “Don’t ask me that, Ivy. I will always love you, but I can’t do this anymore.”

  I dropped my face into my hands and sobbed. I heard Bo’s car door open and close. Then my door opened, and I looked up to see Bo standing outside the car with his hand out for me. I took it, and he pulled me out of his car and set me upright on the sidewalk in front of my aunt and uncle’s house.

  “I never wanted to be the reason for your tears. I want you to be happy but I want to be the one that makes you happy.”

  “You do, Bo!” I cried.

  “It’s not enough, anymore, Ivy. Neither one of us is happy.”

  “I was happy!” I argued out of pure selfishness. If I were a true friend, I would want Bo to do what made him happy but I couldn’t tell him that.

  “Were you?” Bo countered, and I froze. What did he mean by that?

  “Good-bye, Ivy.” His voice broke.

  I offered my lips up to him to kiss out of habit but after a moment waiting, I opened my eyes and saw he had turned away and was getting in his car.

  I touched my lips that hurt from his denial and watched him drive away. I collapsed to my knees right there on the sidewalk and sobbed into my hands. I had just lost the most important thing in my life. He had driven away from me. For the first time in my life, Bo had left me. I didn’t know what to do.

  I stayed there, not being able to get up from the sidewalk, and I waited for Bo to come back. I wasn’t out there long before Aunt Suzy found me. She brought a blanket and wrapped me up, even though it wasn’t cold outside. She helped me into the house and put me to bed, despite it being the early afternoon. I didn’t even care.

  Chapter Seven

  The next few weeks were the worst in my life. I couldn’t remember what my life had been like with my mother, but I was sure this was worse. I hadn’t seen or heard from Bo in twelve days. Everyday I thought it would get better, but it didn’t. The worst part about it was because he had been such an integral part of my life, everything I looked at reminded me of him. Aunt Suzy made me soup for lunch, and I burst into tears ’cause it was Bo’s favorite. I took a shower and ended up sobbing because I smelled the body wash he had left in my shower. I couldn’t even go for a run without thinking of Bo. He had been the one to encourage me to start running when I was still just “Sticks” to most people.

  I struggled through school, my thoughts always returning to Bo. Kammy had stopped trying to make small talk with me between classes.

  I had fired up the old car Uncle Paul had given me since I no longer had Bo to give me a ride to school, and then I cried for ten minutes when I couldn’t find a parking spot anywhere near my classes.

  I started to realize I wasn’t the strong, independent woman I thought I was. I never realized how much I relied on Bo. He had been the one that made me feel like I could do anything. I missed him so much. Why couldn’t I just tell him I was in love with him too? Anything that caused a person this much misery had to be love.

  I sat at work staring at my textbook. Not reading it but wondering what Bo was doing right now. His car was never in front of his store when I was at work. He had changed his work schedule so it no longer reflected mine. Apparently, if I didn’t love him, we couldn’t even be at work at the same time. He was no longer on the other side of the shared brick wall if I needed him.

  Good thing I don’t fucking need him then, I thought to myself, knowing it was a lie.

  “You need to get drunk.” I heard Axel say, and I looked up, pulling myself out of my thoughts.

  “What?”

  “You need to get drunk and laid. I can help you with both those.”

  “Fuck off, Axel,” I said without any emotion behind my statement.

  “Come on. When a girl gets dumped, they say the best way to get over a guy is to get under a guy.” He gave me a perverted smirk and lifted his eyebrows suggestively.

  “I didn’t get dumped.” I said as I returned my attention to my textbook and realized I hadn’t read a single word on the page.

  “Well, that might not have been the exact word Bo used, but—”

  “You talked to Bo?” I said, snapping my head back up to meet Axel’s gaze. I was desperate for any information about him. I knew he was friends with the security guys, but I never thought he’d talk to Axel. “How is he? What did he say?”

  “He didn’t say much. Kind of hard to talk when you’re getting a lap dance. But he seemed fine and dandy,” Axel said with a glimmer of evil in his eyes.

  My head whipped to the other security guys. “YOU TOOK HIM TO A STRIP CLUB?!” I screeched at them.

  They all started to back away and held their hands up defensively, and I lost it. Here I was, moping around, crying my eyes out, feeling sorry for both him and me, missing him like crazy, and he’s at a fucking strip club! What the hell! Apparently he didn’t miss me like I missed him!

  I stormed to my locker, grabbed my things, and pulled my phone out to dial Kammy.

  “What’s up, bitch? Finally stop being pathetic?”

  “We’re going out. Tonight.” I informed her, ignorin
g her insult.

  “Hell yeah! You seriously need some action. We’ll find you someone to help you get over Bo.”

  “Whatever. Just pick me up at my house in an hour.” I hung up and turned to leave, only to find every security guy and my cousin watching me with a concerned look except Axel, who looked excited.

  “Ivy, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go out tonight,” Jaxson said while approaching me slowly.

  “Hell yes, it is!” Axel said and rubbed his hands together. “She needs someone to get her mind off Bo. Where are we going?”

  “Dude, it’s Ivy. Not cool,” my cousin said to him.

  I ignored both of them and pushed past them, heading for the door, only to be blocked by two of my uncle’s bouncers. They looked uncomfortable but determined.

  “Let me through!” I shouted at them.

  They crossed their arms in a way that would have been intimidating if I hadn't known they were softies at heart. They looked to my cousin who took one step and grabbed me from behind.

  “Ivy! We have customers!”

  “THEN LET ME THROUGH!”

  I was suddenly airborne as Jaxson picked me up and attempted to carry me into the office. I screamed and flailed my arms and legs, fighting against him.

  I saw several customers looking away from us, as if they were trying not to make it obvious they were watching my tempter tantrum.

  Considering Jaxson probably had a good hundred pounds of muscle on me, my resistance against him was futile. He dropped me on the couch in my uncle's office and slammed the door behind us.

  He bent over me and pointed his finger in my face. “I will lock you in this office for the rest of the fucking night if you don’t calm down!”

  “SCREW YOU, JAXSON! LET ME OUT OF HERE!”

  “NO! Not until you calm the fuck down. You are causing a scene, and we have customers!”

  I fumed on the couch. “What the hell is your problem?”

  “I’m not letting you go out tonight. You’re hurt and vulnerable and easy pickings for a guy looking for trouble.”