The Good Luck Charm

by Helena Hunting

  “Weird?”

  “I was going to say fucked up.”

  “I think you should do what you think is right for you. He apologized for leaving us, explained why he did, but it doesn’t erase the past, and it doesn’t make it hurt any less that he started a new family and left us all behind like we were nothing.”

  Carmen leans back, running her hands over her thighs. “I was what? Nine when he left? I remember things weren’t good right before that happened.”

  “Not good how?”

  “Things were off. I mean, they were off a lot, but I remember Adam saying shit was about to hit the fan or something. I didn’t really get what it meant, but then a week later Dad up and left, and Adam wasn’t even the least bit surprised. He said he figured it would’ve happened a lot sooner.”

  Adam is ten years my senior and the middle child, also a twin. He went to college out of state, and I see him maybe once every two years at best. Carmen is the only sibling I’ve stayed close with. The rest of them scattered as soon as they were old enough.

  It’s no wonder Ethan’s family has always felt so much more like mine than my own, because they were the only constants in my life, along with Carmen.

  “I don’t know if I want to see him, Lilah. I’m not sure it’s worth digging up all of those skeletons.”

  “I guess the question is, will you regret it if you don’t see him while you have this chance?”

  Carmen rubs her forehead and sighs. “Probably?”

  “Then I think you should. You don’t have to forgive him or let him back into your life, but I think hearing what he has to say firsthand isn’t a bad thing. If nothing else, maybe it’ll get us some closure.”

  “I guess. What about this half sister?”

  I smile. “Emery. When you’re ready, I think it would be great if you could meet her. She goes to college here and she’ll be local for a few years, so maybe we can build something there.”

  “Do you think she’ll like me?” I’ve never heard Carmen sound so unsure of herself.

  “I think she’ll love you as much as I do. You’re a lot alike, actually.”

  * * *

  It takes Carmen less than an hour to warm to the idea of meeting Emery. Ten minutes after that, I’m calling our father so I can arrange for us to meet Emery for dinner. He agrees to drop her off and seems understanding, although slightly disappointed, when I tell him that Carmen isn’t quite ready to see him, yet.

  We arrive at the restaurant a few minutes early. Carmen is nervous, touching her hair, adjusting her shirt. “Maybe I should’ve worn a dress instead of jeans. Do you think I’m too casual?”

  “You’re fine. She’s a college student. You’re not interviewing for a job; you’re meeting your sister.”

  “Oh, shit.” She flaps her hands in front of her face. “I don’t want to cry.”

  All hope of holding back the tears is lost when Emery walks through the doors, looking equal parts nervous and excited. When she sees me, she hesitates for a second, so I take a step forward. She rushes over and throws her arms around me, hugging me hard.

  After a few long seconds, in which tears threaten and spill over, she lets me go and turns to face Carmen. I can’t believe I didn’t see the family resemblance until now. Where Carmen is dark haired, Emery is fair like me, but the shape of their faces and the wide smiles are the same.

  “Carmen, this is Emery. Emery, this is your sister Carmen.”

  My heart suddenly is full as I’m pulled into their embrace. I’m fortunate to have this love, and in this short life, it’s best not to take it for granted.

  Dinner with Emery is exactly what we all need. I would invite her back to my place afterward, but I know her parents aren’t in town long and that Carmen and I are going to be here when they’re not, so we make plans to get together for a girls’ night soon, and Carmen and I go back to my place.

  “I really like her,” Carmen says on the drive home.

  “She’s great, isn’t she?”

  “Do you think that went well? It seemed to go well.” Carmen chews her bottom lip.

  “It went as fantastic as meeting a half sister you didn’t know you had could go.”

  She laughs a little. “God, we’re a messed-up lot, aren’t we?”

  “At least the new half sister is your only drama,” I reply.

  As if on cue, my phone buzzes from inside my purse. I haven’t checked it since I called to make arrangements for dinner. I rummage around in my purse until I find it and check the screen.

  “It’s Ethan?”

  I leave the message unchecked for now. “It is.”

  “Does he know yet?” Carmen asks softly.

  I shake my head. “I haven’t had an opportunity to talk to him since all of this happened.” I don’t even know if they won the game.

  “Don’t you think you should tell him?”

  I finger the charm on my bracelet. “I don’t think this is the kind of family drama I want to unload over the phone, you know? Besides, I’m not even sure what’s going to happen between us.”

  “You can’t tell me you’re still on the fence over this.” She reaches over to flick the bracelet as if it proves some point.

  And I suppose in a way it does. I haven’t taken it off. I carry him with me wherever I go.

  “I don’t even know if he’s going to be here next year. What if he’s traded again and he ends up somewhere across the country?”

  “Then you figure it out. Maybe you quit your job here and live in a new city. Or maybe Minnesota keeps him and he stays here. Either way, I think you’ve already made your decision.”

  “I needed him to have faith that he can do this on his own. That I’m not the reason.”

  “I think he’s proved that in the playoffs. And let’s be real here—I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you are part of the reason.”

  “I’m not,” I snap. “Ethan’s performance on the ice has nothing to do with me.”

  Carmen gives me her calm-your-ass-down face. “Maybe not directly, but he’s happy with you.”

  “But what if it’s only because he’s doing well this season? What if he doesn’t get traded and he stays here but then next season is terrible for him? Then what?” I voice the fears that have plagued me these past weeks.

  “You’re thinking too much in extremes. Imagine you achieve your ultimate dream. Like, say I actually had the balls to open up a bakery, which I have no intention of doing incidentally, because it’s the worst investment ever based on the research I’ve done. Only, like, ten percent of bakeries are successful and making a profit after five years.” She must realize she’s rambling, because she flops a hand around. “Anyway, for the sake of argument, let’s say I’m one of the ten percent and I make that happen, but in order to have that dream, I have to give up something equally as important.”

  “Which would be margaritas in your case.”

  “Ha ha. But yeah. I’d be miserable without my margaritas. Ethan has his bakery and you’re his margarita, and right now he’s not allowed to have margaritas, but”—she lifts a finger signaling for me to keep my mouth shut—“there’s the possibility of getting his margaritas back if he can be patient.”

  “That’s the worst analogy ever, Carmen.”

  “I thought it was pretty damn good. And you better have more tequila at home or I may just un-sister you.”

  “That’s not even allowed to be a thing.” Carmen has been a huge support over these past weeks—un-sistering is not an option.

  “But seriously, Lilah, you’re part of the whole of his success. You’re a driving force. He wants to be with you, so he’s willing to give you this time because it’s what you need. Don’t you think it would be better for both of you on an emotional level to just set some boundaries and be together? Hasn’t he proven to both of you that he can play hockey regardless? You don’t need to keep pushing him away anymore, do you?”

  “It’s hard to find balance with him,”
I admit.

  “That’s because you didn’t have as much to balance before. You don’t have to sacrifice doing well at your job or at school or spending time with family to be with Ethan. All of those pieces can fit into your life along with him.”

  “But how? I don’t want to lose him again. And I can’t lose me again, either.”

  “You can’t live in fear of what-ifs.”

  “I don’t ever want to hurt like that again.”

  “Love has the potential to cause pain. It’s a risk, and I think this is one worth taking. Don’t you think he loves you enough to want you to be happy? Do you think he’d wait for you for eight years just to bail when you get a case of the nerves?”

  “He didn’t wait eight years for me.”

  “Really? He hasn’t had one serious relationship since you, even after you married the wrong man. Maybe it wasn’t intentional, but he never found someone he could love as much as he loves you, and you clearly feel the same way. Just own it. I promise it’ll be better for both of you.”

  I finger the hockey charm dangling from my wrist. “He’ll be home tomorrow.”

  “So you’ll be waiting for him at his house, right?”

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “Is bacon dipped in real maple syrup a good idea?”

  “Um…”

  “The answer is yes, Lilah. Yes, it’s a good idea.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Home

  Ethan

  Success is only as gratifying as the people you get to share it with, so coming home seems rather anticlimactic.

  I pull into my driveway, wishing the high I was on last night carried over into this morning. We’re up three to two in the series. Tomorrow night could be the game that puts us in the finals. We could be one step closer to the Cup.

  I grab my duffel from the back seat and head up the front steps, not all that excited to walk into an empty house. What I really want is to drive over to Lilah’s. I understand her need for space and I want to respect it, but I miss her. I may not need her to play well, but I need her in other ways. I need her to feel whole.

  I drop my bag in front of the laundry room and pull out my phone. Clicking on her contact, I scroll through the messages she left last night after we won the game. They were positive, excited even, but brief. I want to check in and make sure she’s okay. I worry she’s gotten her exam results or something and they weren’t what she wanted them to be.

  I hit the Call button and pause halfway to the living room, confused by the echo of the ring, at least until Lilah rounds the corner. “Hi.” She lifts her phone, wearing a small, nervous smile.

  I end the call, mouth instantly dry, palms clammy. “This is a surprise.”

  Her eyes move over me slowly. She looks tired and possibly like she’s been crying. “I have some things to tell you.”

  “Good or bad things?” I cross the foyer and stop when I’m inches from her. I don’t know how to read her beyond the obvious exhaustion, and all I can do is spin hypotheticals.

  “A bit of both?” It’s more question than answer, though, as if she’s uncertain herself.

  “What happened? Are you okay?” I want to hug her, but I can’t be sure how it will be received.

  “I don’t even know where to begin.” She links her fingers with mine and leads me toward the living room. “Come sit with me.”

  I drop down beside her on the couch and give in to the urge to touch her. I run my finger along the slope of her nose. “You look tired, baby.”

  “I am. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “Want to tell me why?” I can’t decide whether her being here means she’s seeking comfort from me or if it’s something else.

  Any worry I might’ve had about us is erased as she relays what I’ve missed over the past couple of days. It’s nothing I could’ve ever expected, and certainly nothing she could’ve, either. Seeing her father after twenty years, and learning she’s been treating her half sister all those weeks, would’ve been painfully shocking. “Why didn’t you call me last night?”

  She laughs a little. “Because I was up until three in the morning with Carmen and I didn’t want to tell you this over the phone.”

  “Is Carmen okay? Are you? I wish you had called me, especially with the whole fainting thing.” I don’t like that she was hurt and I wasn’t here to take care of her.

  “It’s a bruise. I’m fine. My doctor was a super thorough pain in my ass about it.”

  “You could’ve had a concussion.”

  “Dr. Lovely checked for that.”

  I nod. She works in a hospital; of course she had excellent medical care. “How do you feel about your dad being here? Will you see him again?”

  She props her cheek on her fist and sighs. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to try to rebuild that relationship. He walked away from our entire family once. What’s to say he won’t do it again? And I just don’t know if I can find forgiveness for him. I haven’t had much time to get used to the idea, or even consider that it’s a possibility.”

  “Do you think you’ll be able to forgive him eventually?”

  “I don’t know.” She fiddles with the hockey charm on her bracelet. “I know why this has been so hard for me, though, now.”

  “You mean us?” My throat constricts as I take in her guarded posture, knees tucked under her.

  “In my head I connected those two events. My dad leaving our family and you breaking up with me felt a lot like the same kind of loss. But it was so much more painful with you because the way I loved you was so…consuming. It echoed a pain I hadn’t recovered from. Does that make sense?”

  “Yes.” It does, in so many ways I hadn’t considered. My knowledge of Lilah’s father had been limited to her six-year-old perception of events. One day he was there, the next he was gone. And before that, he was rarely ever home since he worked so much, so his leaving hadn’t changed much in her day-to-day life. But I can see now how that absence over time would have an impact, and how my leaving echoed that abandonment.

  But it was also so much worse because I’d been her everyday, and she’d been mine. And I’d taken that from us both.

  I don’t want to ask the next question, but I have to, because this state of uncertainty is unbearable. “If you can’t forgive him, does that mean you can’t forgive me, either?”

  “There’s no simple answer to that question, Ethan.”

  I fold my hands in my lap and prepare for the worst. I don’t know how I’ll manage if this is her ending things between us for good. She carries half my soul, and without her, I don’t know how to exist. All those years without her had been like living a half-life.

  “In my head I’d forgiven you. It’s my heart that’s had a hard time forgetting. I let fear dictate my actions with you this time around.”

  “How?”

  “I put you ahead of myself because I was afraid. So every time you said you needed me, I caved. I didn’t want to disappoint you, or give you a reason to leave again. And honestly, I like being needed…I felt necessary, essential even.”

  The conversation I had with my father a few weeks ago makes so much more sense. “You are necessary, Lilah. I won’t ever do to you again what I did before. I promise I won’t hurt either of us like that again.”

  Her smile is soft. “I need to find a way to balance my love for you with the rest of my life.”

  “I’ll give you whatever you need. If it’s still time, you can have it. Or space. Just know that I won’t be selfish with you, even if I want to be. I won’t ever take your love for granted, and I won’t put my success on you.”

  She laces her fingers with mine on a deep exhale. “I’m sorry I made you wait.”

  “For you to forgive me?”

  “For me to be brave enough to love you the way I want to.”

  “I didn’t get my head out of my ass for eight years. This past month might not have been easy, but it was necessary. You wer
e right. I can see the pressure I was putting on you, maybe not intentionally, but it was there. I don’t want you to ever feel like my love for you has limitations, especially not based on how my hockey season is going.”

  Her smile is soft understanding. “I wanted to be more than that, for both of us. I had this plan for my future, and then you came back into my life and I lost sight of everything except for you. I became dependent on your dependency.”

  “You’re not just part of some pregame ritual based on superstitions. You know that, right?”

  She laughs a little. “I do, although I’m not opposed to all of your pregame rituals. Your boxers are pretty comfy to sleep in, and the taking-them-off part is always fun.” She runs her fingers through my playoff beard. “I’m also a big fan of this, but your naked rituals are probably my favorite.”

  “That’s stress relief, not a ritual.”

  “Call it whatever you want, but I’m more than happy to be the recipient of orgasms in the name of stress relief.”

  “I’m always up for providing stress-relief orgasms. Actually, I probably have a lot of those to make up for. We could do some of that now, you know, like pre-pre-game stress relief.”

  She nods somberly. “You really can’t overdo it on the stress relief, can you?”

  I cup her cheek in my palm and tilt my head to the side. When I’m within an inch of her mouth, I pause. “Does this mean we’re not on a break anymore?”

  “Do you actually need to ask that question?”

  “I want to be clear about what kind of kiss this is going to be.”

  “Ethan.”

  “Is this our back-together kiss?”

  “As opposed to what?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe it’s a test kiss for you.”

  “A test kiss?”

  “Uh-huh, to see if you’re as interested in pre-pre-game stress relief as you think you are.”

  “I’ve already expressed my interest.”

  “But is that all you’re interested in? I need to know exactly what’s at stake with this kiss so I can strategize my approach.”

  “This isn’t a hockey game, Ethan. It’s a kiss, which will hopefully also lead to some scoring.” Her luscious lips turn up at her bad pun.