His Brand of Love

by Angelique Voisen

  “Wherever you end up in, Noah, heaven, hell, or purgatory, I hope you’ll find peace.”

  Peaceful. That was how Noah looked when Nick pulled the trigger. How odd.

  I took a long time bathing, desperately hoping Nick would change his mind and join me. Minutes passed. I got out, drying myself with a towel. Placing it back on the rack, I studied the bathroom. Two towels, toothbrushes, and even matching baskets for dirty clothes—it really felt like Nick and I had been living together.

  “I don’t want anything to change,” I whispered, feeling like a coward.

  I didn’t dare utter those words out loud to Nick’s face for fear of rejection. I’m one selfish bastard, but I don’t give a fuck. Nick needed me as much as I do. Waking up knowing Nick would be waiting for me at the breakfast table … I looked forward to his presence each day.

  Alone in bed when I couldn’t sleep, I’d take the fantasy even further, imagining Nick beside me. Every night, he’d leave me sore and well-fucked, bearing his welts on my thighs and ass, and rope burns on my limbs. Nick would pull me close against his chest, whisper how I’d been such a good boy, before pushing his dick into my worn-out ass, still slick with his cum.

  Tears of a different sort from grief filled my eyes.

  I taunted and dared Nick every day until he gave in, but I couldn’t ask him to keep me. With no claim on Nick, I had no right to make demands. He’d saved me, killed for me. What more could I ask for?

  “Get yourself together.” I rubbed at my eyes, wincing at the mirror to see them red-rimmed and swollen. “Fuck.”

  Don’t think of the future. Focus on the present.

  Gathering myself, I quickly threw on clothes and walked back outside to see the pizza boxes and takeout stacked in the dining room.

  “You took long,” Nick muttered. He nodded to the food. “Go ahead and eat first. Don’t wait up.”

  “I’ll wait.”

  Nick walked passed by me. I grabbed his arm. He tensed, acting like my touch was toxic. What the fuck? I knew he needed time, but I couldn’t ignore that something was wrong the moment he pulled that trigger.

  “What?” he asked.

  I let him go. “Nothing.”

  Frowning, Nick looked at me, expression serious. “You look tired. Sit down. Eat something and drink plenty of water.”

  I snorted. “I’m not a kid.”

  “Funny, sometimes you act like it.”

  I glowered at him. For the first time that day, Nick’s lips curved to a smile, a small one, but better than nothing. We’ll move past this, I realized.

  Why the hell was I considering defeat?

  Burying Noah hadn’t been an end, but it could be the start of something good for Nick and me.

  “Don’t take too long showering. The eggrolls and pepperonis will be gone by then,” I called after Nick.

  “Who’s the idiot who spent an hour showering?” he muttered. “Damn water bill’s going to go up because of your showers.”

  Watching his retreating back, I said, “Maybe next time we can save by showering together.”

  “Sounds nice,” Nick answered, not looking at me.

  I took a seat in the dining room, reaching for my first box of noodles. My stomach growled. Fortunately, Nick wasn’t there to tease me. I worked on my fourth box when Nick returned, glancing at the damage and shaking his head.

  “What? You said I can eat to my heart’s content.”

  “I did.” Nick took the other seat.

  “What are you going to do with this house? Sell it or are you seriously going to stay here?” I asked, my mouth full of pizza.

  “I doubt I’ll sell it. Someone has to see the old ghosts occasionally, but I won’t continue living here either. Besides, I have an apartment closer to the city.”

  “Really?”

  That sounded like good news. It meant I didn’t need to drive all the way here to see Nick. Besides, knowing Noah remained buried in the backyard creeped me a little. What was I doing, already making future plans without discussing them with Nick?

  “Nick, we’re going to be fine, right?” I had to ask.

  Wincing, I wished rewinding time would be possible so I could ask the right questions, or else make bold statements. Keep me, Sir. Make me your sub. Take care of me and I’ll return the favor. We need each other. Silently willing the words wouldn’t make them true.

  Nick didn’t answer automatically, worsening my fears.

  Fragments of the conversation Nick had with Noah returned to me. “You told Noah you left the front door unlocked. All this time you said this was the safest place to hide from him, but you expected him.”

  “I did. Believe me, Julian. It had never been my intention to deceive you. I knew we’d face him eventually. Better it was on a familiar turf where we possess advantage as opposed to strange ground.”

  I had trouble focusing on what Nick was saying.

  “You knew your brother would come home.” My tone sounded a little accusatory. Nick didn’t deserve it. Would I have done the same if our positions were reversed?

  Nick let out a mirthless laugh. “This place ceased to be a home for Noah a long time ago.”

  “Is it home to you or still a place of nightmares?” I asked, curious. Part of me wanted to hurt Nick, get back at him in my way own for not showing initiative and fighting hard for us. There had never been an “us”. Did he see what we had as temporary? I insisted on sticking around when he made it clear he wanted me go. No longer hungry, I pushed my half-eaten plate of pizza aside.

  “These walls, floors and empty rooms make up an old house, nothing more,” I said.

  Unable to stand it any longer, I crossed my arms, fearing I’d resort to physical violence. As if I could hurt Nick.

  “Nick, you never answered my question earlier. Where do we stand?”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Nick

  Where did we stand? I didn’t answer Julian, despite knowing he needed my assurance. Should I lie to him, give him false reassurance when he deserved the truth?

  Ignoring his question, I said, “I’m getting some cold water. Want some?”

  Julian slumped against his seat, looking defeated. It had been a long day for both of us. “I guess. Alcohol would be good to sleep the night away though.”

  He flashed me a strained smile.

  Rising from my seat, I started for the kitchen. Retrieving a pitcher of water and two glasses, I snuck a hand to the left pocket of my jeans and came away with two white pills, sedatives which I’d initially bought to help Julian with his nightmares. Hearing him behind me, I shucked the pills into the glass, relieved they dissolved in a matter of seconds.

  “Hey, Nick. It’s late, and I’m heading to bed early. Sorry about the intense questioning. It’s been a tiring day, and I’m being an insensitive prick,” Julian stated, looking apologetic. He ran a hand through his hair, a telltale gesture he did whenever nervousness hit him.

  “A nice long nap would do us some good.” My breath caught in my throat, but I forced myself to lie to his face. “We’ll sleep in, wake up at noon, have a nice lunch and maybe catch a movie in town. How does that sound?”

  “Really?” he whispered, about to take a step forward to touch me, as if he couldn’t believe I was real. Julian paused when I raised the glasses and used them as a barrier between us. If he came any closer, if any part of our bodies touched, I’d lose my resolution. Julian blinked.

  As if understanding my need for space, he nodded. “Good night, Nick.”

  “Sweet dreams, Julian.”

  He let out a hollow laugh. “I doubt I’ll be getting any sleep, but I’ll try anyway.”

  I heard the silent plea in his voice, the invitation. Julian waited a few seconds, before drawing a sharp breath and walking away, disappointment on his features. Hearing his door slam shut, I found the courage to walk, still holding the glasses like some kind of idea. I drank my water, set the glass on the counter top and found my resolve. Walking to h
is room took longer than usual. My heartbeats thundered in my ears.

  Drugging Julian—what did that make me?

  I knocked on the door, turning it to see Julian bolt up in bed. Hope lit in his eyes. Fuck, I hate seeing that hope destroyed and give way to darker emotions. Hate certainly, and anger. I shouldn’t have stayed in his room that night and made that reckless offer. Noah had wronged him, but what I was about to do would feel a thousand times worse—crush his heart for his own good.

  “I’m leaving this here in case you get thirsty.”

  I set the glass on the dresser, wondering if he’d drink it. A gamble. Part of me wished he wouldn’t. Tomorrow could play out exactly like I’d told him. We’d wake right before lunchtime. I’d finally drive him to town and show him familiar landmarks, Noah’s and my secret hiding places.

  Julian buried himself in the blankets, curling his body and hiding it from view. While it came out muffled, I heard him mutter “bastard” under his breath. I left, hearing his thudding footsteps later. Did he change his mind about being angry?

  Fuck.

  Hurrying to my room, I slammed the door behind me and locked it shut—a first. I kept all the doors in the house open, not just the front door. Should I tell Julian it had been a stubborn habit born of defiance, a way to stop fearing my father all those years ago? Knobs rattled and hinges could be forced open. An open door meant invitation, a means to tell the world I lacked fear, but it was the exact opposite.

  Moments of fear defined us, made us stronger. Each time my father hovered by the bedroom door Noah and I shared, I’d tense up, terrified for both of us. Noah would clamber down the top bunk and crawl into my blankets, trembling. Most of the time, the monster would walk away.

  I pressed my back against the wall, not daring to breathe.

  Why the fuck was I terrified of one beautiful, frightened, and damaged boy half my size? My boy if I wanted.

  With no obstacle between us, it would be easy to claim Julian, move on from where we left off. All that while, Noah’s ghost would haunt me in sleep the way he stole Julian’s nights. We’d never be free, and I promised my little brother he’d never be alone.

  “Nick?” Julian called softly.

  What the fuck were we doing, two adults playing hide-and-seek?

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I said nothing. Certain he’d returned to his room, I dislodged myself from the door and lay on my bed. Watching the hands on the wall clock, I counted every minute, every second. Thirty minutes felt like an hour, two hours an eternity. Getting out of bed, I unlocked the door, listening for sounds in the house. With a heavy sigh, I grabbed my car keys.

  I hovered behind Julian’s door. Hearing him snoring, I blinked and turned the knob. In the dark, I could make out his sleeping figure, the glass on the dresser drained. Hesitating, I walked to him, running my fingers through his hair.

  Not a peep. I made this decision, no room for second thinking. It was now time for last part of the plan, the hard part. I swiped his cell phone and the rest of his belongings, dumping them in a bag and slinging it over my shoulder.

  Showing him the gentleness I never could when he was awake, I gathered his body in my arms. Julian didn’t weigh a thing. He slept, unconsciously clutching at my shirt. I carried him out of the room, my steps steady. Reaching the front door—still slightly ajar, I gave it a kick.

  Getting Julian into the car proved harder. I propped his unconscious figure against the car and reached for my keys. The clicking sound of the doors unlocking didn’t wake him either. Had I hoped I’d fail? It was easy to imagine the expression on Julian’s face and the glare that would follow.

  “Don’t pussy out now,” I muttered.

  Opening the back door, I carried Julian’s body in and got into the driver’s seat. I put his bag on the seat next to mine and grabbed his cell phone, scrolling for Tony’s number. Right under Tony’s name was an address.

  “I’m only returning what my brother stole.”

  Swallowing the bile in my mouth, I started the engine and drove, taking the same roads I did when Julian and I fled from Noah’s apartment. The familiar bright lights of the city came into view. Unwanted memories of the short time Julian and I had lived together crept into my mind.

  For a bastard who supposedly refused to let anyone in, I’d let my guards down the moment Julian entered my life. My past relationships seemed fleeting to me. Oh, I’d had live-in subs in the past. I trained them, slept with them, and provided them with what they needed. However, I remained detached, fearing I’d somehow end up like my father, like Noah.

  The same blood ran in my veins. Why wouldn’t the same curse follow?

  Julian claimed I was better, different. He didn’t know everything about me, but he caught glimpses of my soul and accepted everything. Dangerous boy. I couldn’t keep him, I didn’t dare. I rang Tony up, and cut to the chase.

  “Hello?” a sleepy voice answered at the third ring.

  “Is this Tony, Julian’s friend?”

  “Who is this?” Tony demanded, sounding wide-awake. He sounded like one hell of a loyal friend.

  “I have Julian, and that’s all that matters. Noah won’t be hurting him any longer. He’s gone.”

  “What—”

  “I’ll contact you again with the location I’m dropping him off,” I interrupted, cutting the line.

  Fifteen minutes later, I arrived at Tony’s address. Parking the car a good distance from the apartment building, I used Julian’s phone to send Tony a random address a couple of blocks away. Five minutes later, a young man sprinted out of the building, hastily dressed, cell phone against his ear. I got out of the car and carried Julian out.

  At this time of the night, the streets were empty, and Tony would never see my face. Good. Animosity was essential. I took the emergency stairs, arriving on the fourth floor faster than expected. I left Julian by the door. He looked like a doll like this. Drool dribbled down his lips. Bending down, I wiped it away from his smile.

  “You look like you’re having good dreams, baby. I’m glad,” I whispered, pressing his forehead against mine. “I love you so fucking much, but I can’t keep you. Live a good life, Julian. Forget me.”

  Hearing the elevator doors open, I whirled, eyes narrowed. The same young man who’d rushed to his car, Tony, stared at me with wide eyes. Did he forget something, or did instinct help him see past my deception?

  “Noah?” Tony whispered, looking from Julian to me.

  I stepped away from Julian, leaving a good distance between us. Tony rushed to him, frowning, and then glanced back at me, silently demanding answers.

  “Noah’s dead. I’m leaving him in your care, Tony.”

  “Wait.” Tony panted. “You’re telling the truth, aren’t you? You … look like Noah, but you’re not.”

  “What gave me away?” Each step away from Julian took me closer to the elevator. I jabbed the button, eager to get away. Fuck, I felt like the world’s best liar.

  “You don’t have Noah’s eyes. I see pain in yours. With Noah, all I see is glass. There’s nothing in them.”

  I let out a chuckle. I laughed, but inside, I died. Every breath I took felt like agony. My heart threatened to explode in my chest.

  “Forget about tonight, Tony. You didn’t see me. Help him forget about Noah and this nightmare.”

  The doors opened, and I stepped in.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Julian

  The smell of grease and bacon teased my nostrils, dragging my sleeping self back to the land of the living.

  “Nick, you conniving bastard, you know how much I love bacon,” I muttered.

  I kept my eyes shut, still chasing after that amazing dream. In it, I wore Nick’s collar, served at his feet. After taking his punishments, the cruelty I craved and needed, he’d carry me back to bed, uttering soothing words to my ear.

  Good boy, he’d say, and the world would right itself back on its axis. That dream could still become reality. Y
esterday’s painful events came crashing down on me. That awful tree where nothing grew around it and seeing Noah, slumped against Nick. I couldn’t stop staring at the dark crimson stain on Nick’s shirt, and he never changed out of it while we shoveled dirt.

  “Noah’s dead.” Whispering the words made them reality, feel less surreal. Opening my eyes, I looked at my hands, still a little bruised and raw from wielding the shovel. The aches in my body assured me yesterday hadn’t been a dream, including Nick’s detachment. I couldn’t change yesterday, but the present held possibilities. Frowning at the strange bedsheets, I fingered the frayed fabric. Faded blue and white stripes, just like my favorite sheets back at home.

  “No.” I bolted upright, flinging the sheets away.

  My heart started hammering, my breaths coming short. My feet touched hard flooring, not the old carpeting lining Nick’s house. Rising to my feet, I touched the dusty surface of my old desk, still stacked with old textbooks and graded papers, the posters on my wall with my favorite alternative rock bands and my bookshelf.

  My hands started to tremble. I plucked the old volume of the Adventures of Tom Sawyer on the shelf, turning it to the page with the tiny bronze key taped to it. The key would unlock the wooden chest at the foot of my bed, containing my bondage gear and toys, some of which Noah had given, most he used on me.

  “Christ no,” I repeated like a broken record.

  In my head, I heard the sound of the hinges creaking and Nick steeping in my room. Finally, I remembered thinking Nick finally made the first move. I had a line ready, something about it wasn’t wrong to comfort each other in a time of grief. The same anguish that plagued Nick didn’t touch me though. Jubilation had filled me after we walked away from Noah’s grave. Excitement coursed through my veins at the endless possibilities of the future, running through my head.

  I envisioned the glass of water Nick placed on the dresser and me foolishly drinking it down, wondering why it tasted a little strange.