His Brand of Love

by Angelique Voisen

  “Fuck you, Nick.”

  My back hit the shelves. I didn’t recall falling. The door to my room opened, revealing Tony. I stared at him. Everything about the apartment felt alien, including my best friend. They were all part of a world I no longer belonged to.

  “Jesus, Julian. You gave me a damn heart attack. What’s wrong?” Tony kneeled in front of me, about to touch me, but I flung his hand away.

  I pressed my knees against my chest. “When did Nick bring me here, last night?”

  “Nick? Is that the guy who looks like Noah? Julian.” Tony paused, gaze darkening. “Did he hurt you?”

  I let out a laugh, more like a bark. “Nick? The fucker saved me. He killed for me. In the end though? He didn’t have the fucking balls to keep me.”

  The smell of burning bacon filled the air. We both ignored it.

  “Julian, you’re not making any sense.”

  With shaky legs, I rose to my feet and walked out of my bedroom.

  “Where the hell are you going?” Tony called after me. With his long strides, he caught up to me easily, grabbing my shoulder.

  “Fixing this, what else?” I replied.

  “You’re not thinking straight.”

  “Tony, I love you like a brother, but this doesn’t concern you.”

  Tony spun me, eyes narrowing, his mouth a thin line. I saw anger there, the ferocity stunning me. He was the calmest guy I knew, and I seldom saw Tony lose his temper. Fear lingered there, too, which made me pause.

  “What the fuck? You left with Noah without looking back, without considering the feelings of those who care about you.” Tony swore under his breath, something he never did either. Grabbing my shoulders, he looked into my eyes. Tears threatened to fall from his lids, and all I could was stare.

  “You didn’t call, despite promising me you would. I called the cops, but fuck, they were useless. I don’t know anyone from your world. Do you have any idea what kind of hell I went through, looking for you?”

  Guilt slammed into me.

  “Don’t leave without an explanation. You owe me that at least,” Tony whispered. “Julian, it felt like you disappeared from the world. You were good as dead, and suddenly out of the blue, this stranger calls me, telling me he has you.”

  I swallowed, taking his hands and gripping his wrists. Jesus. I didn’t deserve this man’s kindness. Tony had other things going on in his life—his girlfriend, his job. He didn't need to worry about me, too.

  “I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t mean much right now.” I walked him to the kitchen counter and turned off the stove. I was a fucking wreck. Tony deserved a better friend, but he was all I had. Nick called Tony my lifeline, and he was right in more ways than he knew.

  Tony and I grew up together, faced our share of bullies together. We could have been real blood brothers, but he didn’t understand my need to play in the dark. The more I spent time with Noah, the more he insisted he was my new world. My old one started to feel like make-believe, boring and unreal. Without realizing it, I’d placed a seemingly unbridgeable gap between my vanilla world and the kinky one.

  Bacon. Tony knew that had been my favorite, like Nick. I made coffee, and all the while Tony watched me, saying nothing.

  Was he wondering if I was a strange doppelganger who replaced the boy he’d grown up with?

  For him, I made tea to calm his nerves. Once the microwave beeped, I stuck a peppermint teabag in and joined him at the kitchen table. Everything in the apartment remained intact, just where I’d left them.

  “You want to talk? Talk,” Tony said, reaching for his cup.

  He might be mad now, but I knew Tony couldn’t remain angry at me forever. I took a sip of my coffee, wincing when the hot liquid burned my tongue. Setting it down, I looked at Tony’s expectant face. He softened.

  “You’ve been through hell, haven’t you?” he asked.

  “It doesn’t excuse me for being selfish.” I took a deep breath and told Tony everything, starting with Noah’s abduction. Tony didn’t interrupt all the while I spoke. He possessed this amazing ability to listen, not surprising given he worked as a high school guidance counselor.

  “Julian, why did you stay with Nick?” Tony finally asked. “From what you’ve said, he offered you freedom plenty of times.”

  “I didn’t want freedom, but the kind of slavery Noah put me through wasn’t what I wanted either. It’s hard to explain.”

  “I won’t lie to you. I don’t understand it at all. I’ve done my research to see what’s got you so fascinated about BDSM, but I don’t get it.”

  “It’s okay you don’t. It’s not a hobby or fascination that I’d lose interest easily or go away. It’s part of me.”

  Tony nodded. “I understand that now, I think.”

  “That’s why I’m going after Nick.”

  “Julian, I’m not saying this simply because I think that guy’s dangerous, no matter how safe you feel being with him—”

  “I won’t change my mind,” I interrupted.

  “Nick gave you a choice, the ability to make decisions that Noah took away. Aren’t you doing the same thing as Noah, by forcing a relationship when Nick doesn’t want it?”

  I set my cup down, staring at the remaining rivulets of black coffee lingering on the rim. Telling Tony to go fuck himself didn’t seem like the adult thing to do, but God knew it was tempting.

  “He wants me.” My voice sounded small, uncertain. We made a connection that one night, didn’t we? As much as I hated to admit it, Tony had a point. Nick fucking drugged me to get me the hell out of his house. What message did that send?

  “Julian, he told me to help you forget, to take care of you. He cares, but he and I both know this is what’s best.”

  “I make my own path,” I said.

  “You made a wrong turn when you chose to go with Noah,” Tony said bluntly. “Don’t make me tie you down, Julian.”

  I flashed him a cruel smile. So like me to strike at those who care at me when I’m at my most vulnerable, but I couldn’t stop myself. “I’d only enjoy that.”

  “Do you think that disgusts me, Julian? You think I no longer know you, but I do. This is only one side of you, something I learned to accept a long time ago.”

  I buried my hands to my face, knocking the coffee cup to the floor. The sound of shattering ceramic made me flinch.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Tony said. “Are you still going?”

  He let out a heavy sigh when I turned my head towards him. “What?”

  “I know there’s no stopping you when you’re like this. Might as well I drive you than risk you getting lost.”

  Getting off my chair, I skated away from the broken shards. Behind me, I sensed Tony following me, probably resigned. Instead of the front door, I opened the closet and took out a broom and dustpan.

  “Julian?” Tony hesitantly asked when I began sweeping away the mess.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” Saying the words out loud didn’t make the decision hurt any less.

  Letting out a whoop, Tony swept me into a hug. With a shock, I felt the tears on his face.

  “Jesus, Julian. Don’t ever worry me like that again.”

  I stared at the shards in the dustpan, too small to be glued back together again. Was I like that? Had Noah damaged me beyond repair?

  Back then, it felt so right to cling to Nick. He saved me, but in a way, I asked for too much. The real world didn’t work out like fairy tales. I knew that. The knight saved the damsel—in this case, the stable boy. They fell in love while fighting past the thorns and finally facing down the final demon. Yeah right.

  Nick called himself a monster. I was, too, for refusing to let go of something that never existed in the first place—misplaced love.

  “The bastard made me fall in love with him,” I whispered, letting go of the broom and pan. “Made me want for things I can’t have.”

  Tony fell silent again.

  “It won’t be easy, but I’ll hel
p you get back on your feet,” Tony reassured me, looking me in the eye. “Don’t worry. We’ll find you another Nick.”

  I blinked, speechless for a couple of seconds before recovering. “Tony, there’s no one else like Nick.”

  “We’ll find you another Dom then. Fair warning though, he has to go through me first.”

  I started to laugh. Unable to stop, I kept at it until my throat turned sore. “Seriously? You’d do that for me?”

  Tony nodded. “I’m your best friend, remember?”

  “Nick was right. You are my lifeline.”

  For the first time in my life, I saw Tony blush. I earned myself a punch on the shoulder for it, but for the first time I was genuinely smiling.

  “Don’t worry, Tony. I’ll try doing normal for once and see what that’s like.”

  I owed it to Tony, Nick and myself. For the past six months, I’d immersed myself in the dark. Look where that got me. More pain, heartache, and scars inside out. It was time I try living in Tony’s world for once.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Julian

  My determination lasted a week, no less. Seven days of going cold turkey from the lifestyle turned out to be no easy feat. What Nick demanded—that I try to resume the life I’d left behind, proved impossible, felt like torture.

  I meant what I said to Tony. That dark side of me made up my core. Without it, I’d be lost. I tried for Tony’s sake though, found a part-time job as a barista by day. Nights, I reserved for other activities.

  “I’m heading out,” I announced to Tony, heading out of my room.

  He looked up from his laptop screen, seated on the kitchen table.

  “Are you going out with Toby again?”

  Toby Marsden was thirty, a widower, respectable banker, and vanilla. In other words, completely made-up, but I didn’t tell Tony that.

  “I’d like to meet this guy. This is what, your third date with him?” Tony asked before I could reach the door and slip out, avoiding more questions.

  Every muscle in my body tensed. Cautioning myself to relax, I faced him, hoping my expression didn’t give me away.

  “Sure. Soon,” I promised, feeling like the world’s best liar. Tony eyed what I wore—plain black jeans, white shirt and a jacket, nothing out of the ordinary—and nodded.

  “Have fun. Call me if anything happens.”

  “You say that all the time.”

  Tony bit his lip, and I waved him off. “I will. Don’t worry.”

  Once free on Tony’s inquisitive gaze and behind the wheel of my car, I drove to an address downtown I’d never been to before. I checked the address I typed on my GPS and back to the seemingly ordinary warehouse in front of me. Spotting another car parking a couple of feet from me and a couple clad in full fetish wear getting out, I relaxed.

  It took a lot of snooping around and milking all my sources, but I eventually found the name of the BDSM club Nick co-owned with Noah and other partners. The Riding Crop turned out to be more exclusive than I realized where membership hadn’t been open to simply anyone. I didn’t come here to joint, though, but look for Nick.

  I broke my promise to Tony after a week, and drove to Nick’s house. Shouldn’t have surprised me the place had been emptied out, but part of me wished Nick waited for me all this while. With no other choice, I sought Nick’s club.

  With shaking fingers, I shrugged off my jacket, shirt, and took off my shoes. In The Riding Crop, the subs didn’t wear shoes. I touched my neck, bare of any collar, and swallowed. Entering those doors would summon old memories, ignite painful longings. I stepped out of the car, walking barefoot to the entrance.

  Despite the industrial and cold exterior outside, the inside surprised me. The interior looked artfully done. Dim lightning gave the wood-paneled walls and hardwood floors warmth. A dark wood reception desk and comfortable leather couches matched the rest of the space. Nothing about it screamed kinky. I guessed I needed to go beyond the double doors leading to what must be the club.

  Heart racing, I rubbed my sweaty palms against my jeans.

  “Good evening.” A young woman about my age, dressed in a corset and short leather skirt with a pink collar circling her neck, greeted me. She regarded me, looking startled. “I haven’t seen you around before. Are you new?”

  “I’m not a member, but I’m looking for someone,” I said.

  She frowned. “Excuse me?”

  A huge and muscular Dom in tight leather pants and vest regarded me curiously from one corner. Was he a DM, a member of the security team trying to blend in, or both? I knew the chances of me being let in were slim, but I came too far to back away. Lying to Tony cost me, practically killed me, cementing the fact I was too fucked-up to change.

  “I’m looking for Nick Holt. It’s an emergency. Please.” I added the last word as a plea.

  “Master Nick isn’t in tonight. May I know who’s asking for him?

  I rubbed at my neck, remembering the kiss of the temporary leather Nick fastened there. The faint hope he’d be here kept me together, but now, I was on the verge of falling apart. Defeated, I hung my head.

  The young woman stared at me intently, expecting me to leave maybe, or say something useful. I refused to budge. Leaving without answers would lead me back to square one, unacceptable given Nick’s club had been my one clue leading to the man.

  “Vera, call up Master C. He mentioned he was expecting a male sub who fitted this boy’s description,” spoke the man in the vest.

  I froze. Who the fuck was this Master C?

  Vera looked relieved. “Please wait a second. Have a seat by the couches.”

  She nodded to the seats by the desk. With no other choice, I sat, trying not to fidget. The man who intervened on my behalf didn’t say anything else, but continued watching those who entered and flashed what looked like membership cards for Vera to scan. The operations of The Riding Crop looked organized, efficient, unlike the clubs Noah and I used to frequent, which weren’t particular about who entered their doors.

  I glanced at the doors leading back to the parking lot, feeling apprehensive. Why couldn’t I fulfill my promise to Tony?

  “Good evening, you must be Julian.” A deep voice interrupted my train of thought. I rose from my seat, or began to, surprised by the sight of the huge Dom. Clad from head to toe in leathers, padded in most places with muscle, he had penetrating dark eyes and a gentle smile—reminding me a little of Nick. “I’m Chris, a close friend of Nick’s. To some extent, I know Noah, too.”

  “I have no clue what I’m doing here.” The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them.

  “You came here, looking for Nick,” Chris reminded me. He extended one huge hand towards me, palm up, a peace offering, or out of pity? “Come, we’ll talk in my office.”

  Chris’s naturally commanding tone prompted me to stand, to accept his hand. He nodded to Vera and the security guy and pushed his way past the double doors and into the club. The noise, the crowd, and the scenes overwhelmed me, no explanation why. Before Noah kept me prisoner in his closet, we’d frequented a number of BDSM clubs at least twice a week. It had been me who insisted I wanted more, something beyond the safety of public scenes and private rooms.

  The “me” back then had been so naïve, practically asking for it. Noah’s words. Why I let a ghost affect me until now, I couldn’t fathom. Chris led me to the upper floors and inside what looked like a normal-looking office equipped with desk and chairs, I breathed easier.

  “Close the door behind you,” he instructed. When I hesitated, Chris continued, “Julian, I have no intention of hurting you. We’re simply here to talk.”

  “Sorry,” I murmured, shutting the door. Scaring my one clue to Nick was not on my agenda.

  “No need to apologize, Nick told me what you’ve been through. Have a seat. Would you like something to drink?”

  “I’m fine, thank you.”

  With no option left to me, I sat, eying the out-of-place office. Like the recep
tion area, walnut panels lined the walls, and hardwood floors matched the heavy furniture. Last, I eyed the Dom regarding me, trying to get a read on me. I wonder what he saw—an open book or perhaps a sub too damaged to salvage?

  “You’re not going to tell me where Nick is, are you?” I interrupted before he could say anything.

  Besides, I didn’t want to linger longer than necessary. This Dom discomfited me, unnerved me precisely because he had a way about him, a kind of patience both Nick and Noah didn’t possess. With time, could I learn to trust another Dom like Chris?

  What was I thinking? I didn’t want anyone, didn’t love anyone else but Nick.

  “Nick’s pulled a disappearing act, even on his closest friends.” Chris picked his words carefully, still gauging my reaction.

  “Bullshit. Knowing Nick, he probably told you to lie to me.”

  “No one tells me to do anything, boy.”

  The quiet but firm authority in his voice made me squirm and tempted me into an apology. “I’m sorry, but it’s been so hard and I’m so tired of trying.”

  “Then the answer’s simple, isn’t it? Stop.”

  I stared him, debated the chances of me succeeding in throttling him, and decided on glaring at him instead. “Excuse me?”

  “You’re fighting against a current that only flows to a single direction, Julian. Don’t you think Nick has his reasons for staying away?”

  “I know he does.” I bit my lip. “What we have is … complicated. Some might even call it fucked-up, but never once did I give up on us.”

  “I realize you care for Nick deeply—”

  “I love him,” I stated, point-blank, meeting Chris’s gaze evenly. “I realize how fucked-up it sounds, that I could be obsessed with someone who looks like the fucker who took me captive. Nick’s not a saint, but I’m not without faults either.”

  Chris listened, but in the end, I spoke to a wall, immovable and hard to read.

  “Please, tell me where he is.”

  “And what will you do once you find Nick?” Chris regarded me. “You’re looking for a walking dead man, boy. Turn back before you regret walking down this path.”

  Fear gripped my heart, squeezed it tightly, refusing to let go. It hurt to breathe. “What do you mean by that? Are you saying Nick doesn’t have long to live?”