The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  wealthy women had been

  financing the movement and

  it interested him

  czar i said you cannot be both

  the czar and a

  bolshevist at the same

  time i would like to know

  why not he retorted

  the combination of royal blood

  and anarchy should prove

  irresistible just think of it

  a czar turned bolshevist

  besides i could get recognized a

  good deal quicker as a bolshevist than

  as the czar i have been

  so hampered by not being able

  to make a proper front as a

  czar even a deposed czar

  who miraculously escaped

  execution and no one will

  advance me enough money to get my

  trunks from siberia

  archy he said

  can you not influence your boss

  to introduce me to his

  friend hermione from what i have

  heard of her she should have a

  russian bolshevist

  on exhibition czar i said i

  do not feel at liberty to

  make such a request the

  only time i ever met

  hermione she tried to step on

  me well boss whatever

  happens i hope the czars luck

  changes pretty soon and

  by changing i mean taking a

  turn for the better it

  could not get any worse some

  one gave him a flask of whiskey

  the other day and he has lost

  faith in his destiny to such an

  extent that he has been

  afraid to drink it all there

  is one drink left in it

  and he says if i drink that

  i will never get any more

  maybe and so instead of

  drinking it he sets the

  bottle up and worships it

  APRIL 2

  I Left There Too Soon

  well boss looking

  at the reports from

  france it seems to

  me that likely i left

  there too soon

  either something is

  going to happen

  there or something

  is not but

  what it is no

  one seems to be

  quite sure

  it looked to

  me when i left

  as if everyone

  wanted peace

  and so i thought

  there would be

  peace but now it

  seems that there must

  be things that

  certain persons

  want worse than

  they want

  peace i have lost

  the czar

  APRIL 7

  Classed with Fleas

  well boss i went up

  to the circus

  the other day

  and tried to hire

  out what do you

  want they asked me a

  job as an animal

  or a job as an artist

  an artist said i

  what can you do they

  said i can

  walk the wire i said

  either tight or slack

  and i can swing

  head downward from the

  flying trapeze we do not

  doubt it they said

  but who could see

  you at a distance

  every one said i if you

  gave them telescopes

  and opera glasses it

  is too expensive said they

  to furnish opera

  glasses to every one

  just to see a cockroach

  perform not at all

  i said you sell the

  glasses and make an

  additional profit

  you go out and hire

  yourself out to a

  trained flea outfit

  said they we cannot use

  you i consider it

  an insult i replied to

  be classed with

  fleas you should consider

  it a compliment said they

  another word from you

  i said and i

  will die in a barrel

  of your lemonade and

  queer your show

  and with this threat

  the interview closed

  MAY 28

  A Home among the Casks

  well boss i have been

  taking a little vacation

  myself i got rather

  weary of it but i had to

  stick it out as long as you

  did i put in my time trying to

  find a home that would

  do to settle down in after the

  first of july it is not

  the rent that bothers me but i

  desire to live in

  juxtaposition to some

  cache of liquid supplies i

  found several such but

  unfortunately the

  stuff was all in bottles i cannot

  pull a cork if anyone knows of any

  sort of mechanism which will enable

  an ordinarily strong cockroach to

  pull a cork will he or she

  please communicate by

  return mail what i need

  is a home among the casks but

  no one who is storing it seems to

  be storing it in casks i

  do not ask you boss to

  direct me to a cellar full of

  casks for i am sure

  that you do not know of such a

  place if you did

  you would not tell me you

  would go and

  live there yourself

  it is possible that some one

  may figure out a way to

  put little steel tips on my

  front feet so that i

  could dig through a cork it

  would be slow uncertain work but

  after the first of july

  many of us will be willing to give

  the time to it

  we will have time to figure out how

  to get a drink then because

  we will use the time we formerly

  devoted to drinking some

  slavish spirits of course will

  simply give up and

  go to work is there not some kind of

  gimlet that i could attach to my head

  and bore through a cork with i

  make no direct appeal to you

  boss to keep me supplied you

  are going to have

  troubles of your own if the

  worst comes to the worst i can go

  to the west indies but

  they breed a tribe of cockroaches in

  those latitudes that is

  coarse roughnecked

  vigorous and wild i am

  frankly afraid to associate with them

  i have seen some of them

  getting off the ships

  good heavens to think that they

  would amend the constitution of the

  united states just to

  be the death of one poor little

  cockroach it may seem like

  an anti climax to you but to me

  it is a tragedy

  you can drop a raisin in a bottle of

  grape juice and make something

  of it but who is there to uncork

  grapejuice bottles for me

  MAY 30

  Help I Can Give the Worried Housewife

  what is all this

  trouble about the

  servant question i

  should think the

  best possible solution

  would occur to

  anyone it

  came to me after only


  a moments thought

  the solution is

  to buy what

  you want to eat

  at the delicatessen

  store and then

  when you are through

  eating throw

  the scraps in the

  corner get hold of

  twenty or thirty

  industrious cockroaches

  to eat the scraps

  this does away

  with the necessity

  of a maid

  to cook or clean up

  and you cannot imagine

  how grateful

  the cockroaches would

  be every problem

  is capable of

  solution if people will

  only put their

  minds to it the

  trouble is however that

  so many people

  have such conventional

  minds i have

  always been interested

  in sociology and

  in fact all games of

  chance and any

  help i can give the

  worried housewife is here

  for the asking i

  will lead a detachment

  of thirty cockroaches

  into any apartment

  that may be designated

  at a moments notice

  JUNE 6

  In Spite of H Dash Double L

  well boss i saw

  mehitabel the cat the other day

  and she was looking a little

  thin and haggard

  with a limp in

  the hind leg on the starboard

  side old feline animal i said

  how is tricks still in the

  ring archy she said and still a

  lady in spite of h dash double l

  always jolly archy she said in

  spite of hard luck

  toujours gai is the word

  archy toujours gai how did you

  get the game leg mehitabel i asked her

  alas she said it is due

  to the treachery of

  one of these social swells who

  is sure one bad actor he was a

  fussed up cat with a

  bell around his neck on a

  ribbon and the look about him of

  a person that is currycombed and

  manicured from teeth to

  tail every day i met him

  down by the east river

  front when i was scouting

  about for a little piece of fish since

  the high cost of living has

  become so self conscious archy

  it would surprise you

  how close they

  watch their fish nowadays

  but what the h dash double l archy

  it is the cheerful heart that

  wins i am never cast down for long

  kid says this gilded

  feline to me you look hungry i

  am all of that i says to him i

  have a vacuum in my midst

  that is bigger than i am i

  could eat the fish that ate

  jonah kid he says you have

  seen better days i can

  tell that from looking at you thanks

  i said what you say is at

  least half true i have never

  seen any worse ones and so

  archy one word led to

  another until that sleek villain

  practically abducted me

  and i went with him

  on board a houseboat of which

  he was the pampered mascot

  such evidences of pomp and wealth archy

  were there that you would not

  believe them if i told of them to

  you poor cockroach that you

  are but these things were nothing to me

  for i am a reincarnation of cleopatra

  as i told you long ago you mean

  her soul transmigrated to a cat s

  body i said it is

  all one archy said she have it your own

  way reincarnation or transmigration

  is the same to me the point is

  i used to be a queen in

  egypt and will likely be one again

  this place was furnished swell percy i

  said the furniture is

  fine and i could eat some of it if

  i was a saw mill but

  where is the honest to g dash d food

  the eats percy what i crave is

  some cuisine for my stomach let us

  trifle with an open ice box

  for a space if one can be

  persuaded to divulge the scheme of its

  interior decoration follow me

  said this percy thing and led

  me to a cabin in which stood a table upon

  which stood viands i

  have heard of tables groaning archy

  but this one did not it

  was too satisfied it purred with

  contentment in an instant i had eaten a

  cold salmon who seemed to be

  toastmaster of the occasion and a

  whole scuttleful of chef doovers what

  you mean is hors douvres mehitabel i

  told her what i mean is grub said she

  when in walked a person whom

  i should judge to be either a butler

  or the admiral of that fleet or maybe

  both this percy creature who had led me

  to it was on the table eating with me

  what do you think he did what

  would any gentleman friend with a

  spark of chivalry do what but stand by

  a lady this percy does nothing of the

  kind archy he immediately attacks me do

  you get me archy he acts as if i

  was a stray cat he did not

  know and he was protecting his

  loving masters food from my onslaughts

  i do not doubt he got praise and had

  another blue ribbon for his heroism as

  for me i got the boot and as i went

  overboard they hit me on the limb with

  a bottle or an anchor or something

  nautical and hard that archy is why i

  limp but toujours gai archy what

  the h dash double l i am always

  merry and always ladylike mine archy has

  been a romantic life and i will

  tell you some more of my adventures

  ere long well au revoir i suppose i

  will have to go and start a pogrom

  against some poor innocent little

  mouse just the same i think

  that mehitabel s unsheltered life sometimes

  makes her a little sad

  JULY 24

  Galoshes for Cockroaches

  do you know of

  any firm that specializes

  in galoshes for cockroaches

  it would be a

  graceful deed if

  you were to give me a

  pair for my birthday

  or a little motor boat

  would do i

  tried to get on the subway

  train to go up town the

  other day but a

  cascade caught me on the

  steps and carried

  me onto the

  tracks when i stopped

  floating i was in

  brooklyn

  AUGUST 6

  A Poem in the Kipling Manner1

  “Where have you been so long? And what on earth do you mean by coming in here soused?” we asked Archy as he zigzagged from the door to the desk.

  He climbed onto the typewriter keys and replied indignantly:

  soused yourself i havent had a drink

  and yet i am elevated i admit it i have

  been down to a second hand book

  store eating a lot of kiplings earlier<
br />
  poetry it always excites me if i eat

  a dozen stanzas of it i get all lit up

  and i try to imitate it get out of my

  way now i feel a poem in the kipling

  manner taking me

  And before we could stop him he began to butt on the keys:

  the cockroach stood by the mickle

  wood in the flush of the astral dawn

  We interrupted. “Don’t you mean Austral instead of astral?” Archy became angered and wrote peevishly:

  i wrote astral and i meant astral

  you let me be now i want to get this

  poem off my chest you are jealous if

  you were any kind of a sport at all

  you would fix this machine so i could

  write it in capitals it is a poem about

  a fight between a cockroach and a

  lot of other things get out of my way

  im off

  the cockroach stood by the mickle

  wood in the flush of the astral dawn

  and he sniffed the air from the hidden

  lair where the khyber swordfish spawn

  and the bilge and belch of the glutton

  welsh as they smelted their warlock cheese

  surged to and fro where the grinding

  floe wrenched at the headlands knees

  half seas over under up again

  and the barnacles white in the moon

  the pole stars chasing its tail like a pup again

  and the dish ran away with the spoon

  the waterspout came bellowing out of

  the red horizons rim

  and the grey typhoon and the black

  monsoon surged forth to the

  fight with him

  with three fold might they surged to

  the fight for they hated the great

  bull roach

  and they cried begod as they lashed

  the sod and here is an egg to

  poach

  we will bash his mug with his own raw

  lug new stripped from off his

  dome

  for there is no law but teeth and claw

  to the nor nor east of nome

  the punjab gull shall have his skull

  ere he goes to the burning ghaut

  for there is no time for aught but crime

  where the jungle lore is taught

  across the dark the afghan shark is

  whining for his head

  there shall be no rule but death and

  dule till the deep red maws are

  fed

  half seas under up and down

  again

  and her keel was blown off in a

  squall

  girls we misdoubt that we ll ever

  see town again

  haul boys haul boys haul.

  “Archy,” we interrupted, “that haul, boys, is all right to the eye, but the ear will surely make it hall boys. Better change it.”