The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

  you are jealous you let me alone im off again

  the cockroach spat and he tilted his

  hat and he grinned through the

  lowering mirk

  the cockroach felt in his rangoon belt

  for his good bengali dirk

  he reefed his mast against the blast

  and he bent his mizzen free

  and he pointed the cleats of his bin

  nacle sheets at the teeth of the

  yesty sea

  he opened his mouth and he sluiced

  his drouth with his last good

  can of swipes

  begod he cried they come in pride but

  they shall go home with the

  gripes

  begod he said if they want my head it

  is here on top of my chine

  it shall never be said that i doffed my

  head for the boast of a heathen

  line

  and he scorned to wait but he dared

  his fate and loosed his bridle rein

  and leapt to close with his red fanged

  foes in the trough of the

  screaming main

  from hell to nome the blow went home

  and split the firmament

  from hell to nome the yellow foam

  blew wide to veil the rent

  and the roaring ships they came to

  grips in the gloom of a dripping

  mist

  “Archy,” we interrupted again, “is there very much more of it? It seems that you might tell in a very few words now who won the fight, and let it go at that. Who did win the fight, Archy?”

  But Archy was peeved, and went sadly away, after writing:

  of course you wont let me finish i never saw as

  jealous a person as you are

  AUGUST 13

  Put Me in the Movies

  boss i wish you would

  make arrangements to put me

  into the movies a

  lot of people who are no

  handsomer in the face than i

  am are drawing millions of

  dollars a year i

  have always felt that i

  could act if i

  were given the chance and a

  truly refined cockroach might

  be a novelty but do not pay

  any attention to the

  wishes of mehitabel the cat along

  this line mehitabel

  told me the other day that several

  firms were bidding against

  each other for her

  services i would be the greatest

  feline vamp in the

  history of the screen said

  mehitabel wot the hell archy

  wot the hell ain t i a

  reincarnation of cleopatra and

  dont the vamp stuff come quite

  natural to me i will say it

  does but i have refused all

  offers archy up to

  date they must pay me

  my price the

  truth is that mehitabel hasnt a

  chance and she is not a

  steady character by the way

  here is a piece of political news

  for you mehitabel tells me that

  the cats in greenwich

  village and the adjoining

  neighborhoods are forming soviets now

  they are going in for bolshevism

  her soviet she says

  meets in washington mews

  they are for the nationalization

  of all fish markets

  AUGUST 14

  The Best Thing You Have Done Yet

  i called on some friends in a

  studio building the other evening and

  while we were foraging about

  for something to eat

  we got caught on a

  palette smeared over with all

  the colors there are

  leaping from this danger seven

  or eight of us

  landed upon an untouched canvas

  that stood upon an easel

  nearby waiting for the masters hand

  and we walked across the

  canvas on our way out of that

  place it seems that we builded

  better than we knew before

  we could get to any safer place

  than a spot behind a

  gas radiator we heard human footsteps

  approaching and an

  instant later two men entered the

  studio one of them switched on

  the lights and the

  other gave an exclamation of

  pleasure and astonishment by jove

  tommy he said to the owner of

  the studio what is this new thing

  of yours on the easel it is

  the best thing you have done yet

  i thought you were against

  modernism and all

  the new fangled stuff1 but i see

  that you have come over to the new

  school your style has

  loosened up wonderfully old kid

  i always said that if you

  could only get away from the stiffness

  and absurdity of the

  conventional schools you had the

  makings of a great painter in

  you what do you call this

  picture tommy

  well said tommy with rare

  presence of mind i have not

  named it yet it is not altogether in

  the newer mode you will observe i

  have been struggling for a

  compromise between the two methods

  that would at the same time

  allow me to express my

  individuality on canvas i do

  think myself that i have got more

  freshness and directness into this

  thing you have said his friend

  it has the direct and naive approach

  of the primitives and it

  also has all that is

  worthy to be retained of the

  reticent sophistication of

  the post pre raphaelites but what

  do you say you are going to

  call it it is said tommy as

  you see a nocturne i have

  been thinking of calling it

  impressions of brooklyn

  bridge in a fog and when his

  friend went out he stood and looked at

  the picture for a long time and

  said now i wonder who in

  hell slipped in here and did that it

  is nothing short of genius could

  i have done it myself when i

  was drunk i must have done so

  anyhow i will sign it and

  taking up a brush he did so well i

  stole a look at the canvas

  myself and it looked like nothing

  on earth to me but a canvas over

  which a lot of cockroaches had

  walked i may be a

  critic but still i know what i

  dont like yours for another

  renaissance of the arts every

  spring and every autumn

  AUGUST 19

  Archy Is Still on Strike

  We have received a communication from Archy, who went on strike forty-eight hours ago, desiring us to state that he is not backed by any association of contributors but that he is striking on his own initiative. We think it is only fair to the poor misguided cockroach to give his statement to the public. We do not print it as a contribution from him, because, until he has formally withdrawn the outrageous demands which he made upon us the other day, no article signed by him shall appear ever again. To print signed articles by him would be, in effect, to recognize his organization; and this we shall never do.

  We present an article by a new cockroach named Henry. Henry has not had as much practice at the typewriter keyboard as Archy, and he mana
ges to hit a capital letter now and then, without always being able to hit the right capital; but we can assure our readers that he is learning rapidly. Henry is at least trying to punctuate; Archy always made the contention that no cockroach could ever learn to punctuate and refused to try. Archy’s failure to punctuate influenced a great many persons against him. Henry may be a little more difficult than Archy was, for a few days, but he is ambitious and in the end he will be better than Archy.

  We present Henry:

  a communication from henry

  well, be as TH, is is? seerious

  allthis labor dis CONtent

  I wonders wHere IT wiLL enD

  i sh ould not

  CarE toprophesy?

  but the greaTest dePrivation i

  feel, is in t he Loss OF thE

  suBway sUn i usEd 2 GET a LL

  my NEWS froM the Subway suN but,

  siNce the subWAY has stop ped.

  ruNNINg iaM at a LosS!

  How wiLl We kNow the strike has

  ended. if weDo noT reAd IT in

  thesubwaY Sun

  And How wilL we Read thesubwAY

  suN unleSS The sTrike

  ends. i WISH u would watcH

  mehitaBEL the CAT? she IS

  jEalous anD soRe because i

  haVE taken arcHy?s j oB

  And calLS me a scaB and

  Last niGht tried to

  eat me i deMAND poLice proTectioN?

  heNry!

  All statements made by Mehitabel the Cat, with regard to the strike of Archy, are to be viewed with suspicion. Her statement that she is herself on strike is false on the face of it, as Mehitabel has never been employed by this column, although she has occasionally been interviewed for it.

  It seems not improper to state that Archy, himself, is picketing the office, and last evening when Henry left work Archy stopped him and made threats against him. Henry is very well able to take care of himself, but we have asked for a special police detail to protect him.

  IF ARCHY INTRODUCES THE ELEMENT OF VIOLENCE INTO THE STRIKE, HE WILL BE SEVERELY DEALT WITH!

  SIR: Now that Archy is gone, you may be able to get out a readable column again.—R. P.

  SIR: Unless you can fix it up with Archy, count me off the subscription list. I hate to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I would rather see you take a long vacation yourself than to lose Archy.—WALT.

  SIR: Unless you accede to Archy’s just demands all your readers will go on a sympathetic strike. It matters not about the other contributors. Let C. B. Gilbert, Benjamin deCasseres, and Clinton Scollard go. Or go yourself. But we gotter have Archy.—ELIZABETH.

  SIR: There are three ways that the deplorable strike of Archy may end:

  He may win.

  You may win.

  Or the pair of you may compromise.

  I must say that I was horrified at the brutal capitalistic attitude taken up by you towards one of the brightest ornaments of modern American literature.

  F. J. G.

  AUGUST 20

  Grin and Beer It

  liFe is Not aLL jazz and Joy)

  sMiles and suNNy weaTher!

  EVERy golD has it’S aLloy!

  toHOld tHe Stuff together!

  lif LUCk is good! why maN aliVE!

  weLcoMe iT! And ch eer iT!

  buT if THE drinK’S two seven five

  Try to griN! AND beer iT!

  heNry!

  Henry strikes us as being, on the whole, more cheerful than Archy.

  As Henry left work last evening, he was attacked by a strange cockroach, no doubt a thug in the employ of Archy, who has been hanging about the building ever since Henry went on the job. The strange cockroach was easily disposed of, and Archy did not show himself in person.

  We repeat what we said yesterday: If Archy is foolish enough to introduce violence into this strike, he will get his fill of it.

  It has been reported to us that Archy has been drinking wood alcohol and is working himself into a rage against Henry. Candidly, we expect the worst. But the column is not to be intimidated.

  HOW THE PUBLIC VIEWS THE STRIKE

  SIR: I congratulate you on having got rid of Archy. Now maybe we can have some more Fothergil Finch. And what has become of Hermione, the Beautiful communist? Seriously, I have always felt that Archy was beneath the dignity of the column.

  W. F. MARNER.

  AUGUST 21

  The Archy Strike

  There is no offering from Henry today. Henry has disappeared. Frankly, we fear that Henry has been foully dealt with by a gang of rowdy cockroaches in the employ of Archy.

  The column made an attempt at an early hour this morning to put another cockroach named Ernatz to work. Ernatz arrived at the office and succeeded in getting as far as the typewriter, but there he collapsed. An examination showed that Ernatz had been badly beaten up by the Archy faction in getting through the picket lines.

  These picket lines have been extended by Archy and his gang until they now reach from the Press Club at Spruce and William up Spruce Street to Nassau, and down Nassau to what used to be the Umbrella Bar at the corner of Nassau and Beekman. We were informed today by an excited friend that he had seen thousands and thousands and thousands of cockroaches, led by Archy, hiding by the curbstones picketing this district, and that it seemed to him that they were maddened by benzine or something. They had chased him, he said, and he was so extraordinarily vivid and convincing in his recital and in his fright that we fancied, as he talked, that we could actually smell the benzine or something.

  The column’s cockroach service has been interrupted for one day; but it will be resumed. We ask the public to be patient. As far as taking Archy back is concerned, that is now an impossibility; we are done with that ingrate forever.

  We found on our desk this morning the following threat from the Archy faction, which we publish to show the public the length to which this creature is willing to go:

  unless you yield to

  archys demands the strike

  will spread the water bugs

  are going out in

  sympathy with archy and the

  vers libre poets union

  are preparing a sympathetic

  strike the public will know whom

  to blame they will blame you

  it is your capitalistic

  attitude that is

  prolonging the trouble take

  warning by what

  happened to henry and ernatz.

  So far the Mayor, the District Attorney, and the Governor have done nothing—less than nothing. We demand protection for our contributors, or we shall have a word or two to say about these officials. Several of our contributors have been threatened—C. B. Gilbert, Benjamin DeCasseres, Edward S. Van Zile, H. W., Edward Hope, and the Editor of the column have all received threatening letters from the Archy faction.

  Whither is this country drifting?

  The column hesitates to adopt the expedient of employing strikebreakers and guards for the purpose of getting contributors through the Archy lines; but if it becomes necessary, it shall be done. A dozen tarantulas have been offered to us by a steamship company which maintains a line of boats between this port and South and Central America, and unless the cockroaches cease to interfere with our employees, or the proper authorities wake up and give us protection, we shall be obliged to accept this offer.

  SIR: Restore the Archytect who made the column famous.

  Our Mon-archy forever !!!—J. U. N.

  SIR: I was amused at the suggestion of F. J. G. that Archy might win. The poor cockroach hasn’t even the chances of the proverbial snowball or the tallow cat hotly pursued by the asbestos pup. His chances are about those of law clerks on strike. My sympathies are with Archy as they surely are with law clerks, but roaches and law schools are equally prolific.—J. C.

  SIR: Your column has so deteriorated that I shall never buy another EVENING SUN until this Archy business is settled in Archy’s favo
r.—STEADY READER

  YOU CAN’T GET AWAY FROM HIM

  SIR: At a fashionable Fifth avenue tea room tomato en surprise yielded the usual amount of celery, chicken, and mayonnaise. And deep down in the excavation I found the surprise. It was Archy.—H. D. M.

  AUGUST 22

  Call Archy Back

  Don’t let Archy pine and die,

  We miss his gracious art,

  Don’t grudge him half an apple pie;

  Recall him; have a heart!

  Let me subscribe a dozen pies

  And keep the column bright—

  Call Archy back and compromise

  Or kiss yourself good-night!

  H. D.

  AUGUST 21

  An Injunction

  LATEST STRIKE BULLETIN: The Sun Dial obtained an injunction to-day, commanding Archy to go back to work at his former terms, pending a settlement of the present troubles, so that cockroach service to the public would not be interrupted and millions of persons deprived of this essential part of their daily life. When the papers were served upon Archy and his faction they tore them, and then, in contempt of the court and its enjoining order, ate them. This shows the desperate character of these criminals.

  AUGUST 23

  Archy Gets a 50 Per Cent Increase

  Archy agreed this morning to return to work, for at least a week, pending a final adjustment of the difficulties between him and the column.

  Archy’s demands were for a piece of apple pie once a week and for larger type for his contributions.