Shattered Soul

by Jennifer Snyder

“Hey!” Ali smiled once I walked up.

  “Hey,” I said. I put my arm around her waist and my irritated mood vanished.

  After I smoked a cigarette, Ali and I walked to first period together.

  “Do you have anything on you today?” Ali asked, once we’d almost made it inside the main building.

  “What do you mean?” I wondered, even though I already knew what she meant. I just couldn’t believe she was asking; she’d surprised me.

  “You know,” she smiled.

  I grinned at her. “No, I wish, though.”

  “Well, can you get anything from your house later?”

  “Probably nothing like what we did the other night, but I’m sure I can get something,” I said, perturbed she seemed so persistent. “Why?”

  She glared at me. “It’s the last day of school and I want to celebrate.”

  Relief flooded my mind. It was the last day of school, summer break began at 3:05 this afternoon. “Right,” I said.

  She locked her fingers with mine and we turned the corner into Mrs. Gilbert’s class for the last time. “I wish you could get some more of what we did the other night, though. The coming down part was pretty horrible, but you were right, how I felt while on it made it all worth it.”

  I shifted my gaze to look at her. What she’d said both scared and excited me at the same time. We unlocked hands and took our seats. I couldn’t wait for this day to be over with, because Ali and I were going to have a shit load of fun tonight.

  Summer began officially at 3:05 that afternoon, I blinked and it was already the fourth of July. At least that’s how fast the first few days of summer seemed to pass, and during that time, my whole life seemed to change just as quickly.

  Calvin started selling more, claiming it was in order to keep up with the bills Mom obviously wasn’t worried about paying. I believed that was part of the reason, but I also believed Calvin enjoyed his rise up the drug dealer ladder, too, because with it came more money and more drugs. Kerri became a regular face in my house, the same way Brent and Jade had. I was still unsure whose girl she was, but I thought she favored Calvin more, probably because he was the one with all the supply. Trip and Miranda turned into an official couple, and I’d never seen Trip happier.

  As for Ali and I, we became inseparable, always spending time together smoking, popping pills, or drinking. There was nothing Ali wouldn’t try when she was with me. I told myself it was because Ali felt safe with me, but deep down, I began to question if that was the truth or a lie I was telling myself.

  I sat at the edge of my bed, slipping on a pair of socks. I shoved my feet into an already tied pair of worn Vans. It was 7:30 at night and I was getting ready for Ali to pick me up; we were supposed to meet up with Trip and Miranda at the bridge before the fireworks began.

  I stashed a fat joint in the side of my shoe and headed towards the living room to bum another cigarette off Kerri, since she was the only one who smoked menthols.

  Calvin was folding a wad of money when I stepped into the living room. He shoved it into the front pocket of his backpack, must be time for paying dues and re-upping. I quickly shifted my gaze to Kerri, hoping Calvin wouldn’t tell me I had to go with him.

  “Hey,” I nodded to her. “Can I bum another cigarette?”

  She ran her fingers through her hair. “Yeah, sure,” she muttered flatly, pulling one from the pack that rested on her thigh.

  “Thanks.” I pulled out my lighter and lit it.

  “You gonna be around to party with us later?” Calvin asked. “I’m headed to Dope Man’s in a minute and I got some fireworks for later.”

  I started towards the front door. “Nah, already got plans.”

  “Oh, really? Well in that case, tell Ali I said hello…” Calvin uttered as I pulled the door closed behind me.

  A shiver of anger slashed through me, not at the words he’d spoken, but at the way he’d said them. Calvin was always so freaking smug sounding whenever he said her name.

  I stopped outside my front door and took another drag off my cigarette while I tried to tame my sudden flare of anger before Ali pulled up.

  Two minutes later she pulled into my driveway, windows down, stereo blaring. A grin sprung onto my face at the sight of her. I scraped my cigarette out on the bottom of my shoe and tossed the butt into the old citronella candle overflowing with butts beside the door.

  “Hey!” Ali greeted me with a peck on the lips once I climbed into the passenger seat. “Sorry I’m a little late. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure my parents would let me skip going to the fireworks with them.”

  I put my hand on her thigh as she backed out of my driveway. “I’m glad they did.” I smiled.

  “Me too. Did you remember to bring a joint?” she asked.

  “Yep.” I raised my foot and shook it.

  “Good…at least we’ll have something,” she said, a bitterness in her tone.

  At least we’ll have something. I repeated her words in my mind, not liking the way she’d said them. I laid my head back against the seat and let out my breath slowly. I already knew where this conversation was heading and dread spread through me quickly.

  “Wish you could get something else.” She shifted her gaze from the road for a split second to glance at me. “Calvin doesn’t have anything we could buy off him?”

  I didn’t look at her. I continued to lay back while I stared out the windshield. I couldn’t stand the fact she’d asked me that question about Calvin more than twice already this week.

  Ali was changing, and I was still refusing to even think the word people might use to describe what she was becoming. I’d noticed little things lately, but I always found another reason other than the truth for me to believe. The excuse I used most often: Ali was becoming more like us, she was just blending in. A lie, something I was slowly beginning to see.

  I turned my head to face her. “No, he doesn’t have anything.”

  She let out a long, annoyed breath and her fingers gripped the wheel tighter. “Well. I guess tonight won’t be as fun as I’d hoped,” she huffed.

  “It could still be fun,” I smirked, squeezing her inner thigh, insinuating what else might make the night better for her.

  She rolled her eyes, a forced smile tugged at the corners of her lips. “I guess.”

  I pulled my hand back and leaned my head against the seat again. Rejected.

  We didn’t speak the remainder of the ride. This was us, this is what it had been like for the last week. If I hadn’t known better, I would have asked if she was on the rag. But unfortunately, I already knew that wasn’t the problem.

  The problem was, I’d made a mistake that night in offering Ali her very first taste. Since then, I’d made the same mistake two more times in the last three weeks. And now, Ali was asking for it again. Guilt weighed heavy on my heart and I felt I needed to be strong for the both of us before this spun out of control, even if that meant lying to her about whether or not Calvin had any.

  I turned my head and looked at her, really looked at her. She’d traded in her shimmery eye shadows for simple black eyeliner, and pale pink nail polish for crimson red. Her bright, preppy look was becoming a little darker and more relaxed looking by the day. But, no matter what she wore or what color she painted her nails, Ali was still beautiful to me. I felt my love for her growing by the day, almost as quickly as her addiction.

  We parked beside Trip’s beater of a Mustang and walked up the concrete steps. Ali perked up the moment Trip and Miranda came into view. I found myself wondering how much of it was an act, but squashed the thought before it had a chance to ruin my night any more than it already was.

  “What’s up, guys?” Trip asked, putting his fist out for me to bang.

  I bumped it and nodded. “Not much, man.”

  “Let’s blaze!” Miranda said holding up two blunts between her fingers.

  I took the joint I’d rolled from my shoe and we lit all three, passing them around in a circle between
us.

  Close to two hours passed before anyone spoke of leaving. I’d loosened up and pushed all of my thoughts from the ride out of my mind, and Ali seemed to be edging towards a better mood, too. The sky had become streaked with shades of pink, orange, and purple by the time we finally stood to leave.

  “You guys ready? We should probably get there soon, before all the good spots on the hill are taken,” Trip said, tossing his arm over Miranda’s shoulder.

  “Actually, I need to make a pit stop at Seth’s first. I’ve got to pee so freaking bad and there’s no way I’m using a port-a-potty!” Ali insisted.

  “Ew, don’t blame you!” Miranda agreed. “We’ll save you guys a spot.”

  Ali interlaced her fingers with mine and we all headed back towards the cars. I flashed her a crooked grin, hoping like hell that was the true reason she wanted to stop by my house, that, and for Calvin and the others to not be home once we got there.

  Lights were on in the house and Kerri’s black Kia Optima sat parked behind my mom’s car when we pulled up. My heart sank and I prayed nothing would be sitting out and nothing would be offered to us once we walked in the door.

  Ali bounded out of the car and ran to the front door. I followed right behind her, my heart thudding forcefully in my chest the whole way. She opened the front door and low music filled my ears, along with the smell of food.

  “Hi…bathroom!” Ali squeaked, speed walking down the hall.

  I closed the door behind me and remained where I was, relieved by the normal scene in front of me. Everyone was spread out on the furniture, eating burgers and fries.

  Calvin took a sip of his soda, his eyes on me. “Decided to come back, huh?” he smirked. “Want the burger and fries mom told us to get her? She’s passed out.”

  “No, we’re not staying,” I said, despising the way he was glaring at me, like he’d had me pegged or something and known all along I’d be back.

  “Right, forgot you guys had plans.” He took another bite of his burger to hide the smirk I could clearly see forming.

  I shoved my hands deep into my pockets to hide the fact they’d balled into fists and wished for Ali to hurry.

  Ali came down the hall a few moments later, wiping her hands against the front of her shorts.

  “Better,” she grinned, stepping to my side. “What are you guys up to tonight, you going to the fireworks?” she asked.

  “Nope, I bought some,” Calvin answered, pointing to the dining room table where they sat in plastic bags.

  “Cool,” Ali muttered, eyeing them.

  “You ready?” I asked her, eager to leave.

  “Sure.”

  “If you guys want to hang around for a minute or two while we finish eating, I’ll chop one out for you,” Calvin offered, his eyes fixating on mine. There was a smugness in his stare that made my blood boil.

  I loathed him right now. Calvin knew Ali had done it with me a few times. It was like any other drug, once you’ve done it, you can spot someone else on it from a mile away. He’d figured it out the last time and I detested the fact that he knew, because I knew it would only be a matter of time before he offered it to Ali himself.

  Now was that time. I’d already told him no once, and here he was offering again, this time to Ali, too.

  “No,” I blurted out at the same time I heard Ali answer, “Sure,” beside me.

  My heart skipped a beat and I saw victory flash across Calvin’s face.

  “Come on, let’s just do one,” Ali insisted with a smile, in an attempt to persuade me.

  “No, I'm not going to and I don’t think you should either,” I said point blank.

  Her lips pursed together, obviously not liking my words. “I’m doing one,” she proclaimed, turning her big blue eyes on me. “Then we can go meet up with Trip and Miranda.”

  My jaw clenched. When I looked into her eyes, hunger and desire were all I saw, both so intense it scared me. I didn’t want her to end up like Jade or Kerri, or worse…like the red-head at Dope Man’s house. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she ended up like them.

  Ali put a hand on my chest. “Don’t be mad,” she whispered in a sugary tone. “Just one and then we’ll go. Promise.”

  What could I say? She’d already made up her mind. My eyes darted to Calvin. Bastard, I thought. He was happy she’d said yes, I could tell just by looking in his eyes, and if I made an even bigger scene out of this right now, he’d enjoy it even more.

  “Whatever,” I said shaking my head, pissed.

  Ali crossed the living room and sat on the floor in front of the coffee table. My heart pounded and my mind reeled, but I walked to sit beside her. I couldn’t believe Ali was still going to do one even after I’d turned it down, a bad sign that she was beyond the point of being able to say no.

  I didn’t know who to be pissed at more, Calvin for his scheming ways, Ali for saying yes and still being willing to do one even after she saw how clearly aggravated I was by her choice, or myself for being the one to open that door for her in the first place.

  My eyes bounced between Ali’s giddy face and Calvin’s predatory stare. I watched her chuckle and talk with Jade and Kerri, oblivious to the fact my brother had just chalked one notch up underneath her name in his mind.

  I stared at Calvin while his eyes swept over every inch of Ali as he savored the remnants of his burger before his gaze finally shifted to mine. He didn’t have to speak for me to know his intentions, it was as though they had been written in the air between us; game on! Ali had become a challenge to him.

  Hot anger splashed through my insides. I couldn’t sit here while she anxiously awaited the line I didn’t want her to have. I stood and stepped to the pile of CDs spread in front of the stereo.

  “Need a cigarette, Seth?” Calvin asked in a condescending tone. He knew how badly bothered I was by this situation.

  I didn’t answer, I pretended not to hear and continued riffling through CDs, not really seeing them.

  “Give him a cigarette, Kerri, he looks like he could use one,” Calvin ordered with a slight chuckle.

  Kerri tossed one in my direction, it landed beside my shoe. I picked it up and stood, digging in my pocket for my lighter.

  “Thanks,” I grumbled, not addressing anyone in particular. Who died and made Calvin God?

  “You sure you don’t want one, Seth? I’d be happy to chop you out one, too, so you and Ali can be on the same page,” Calvin said, pulling out a baggie from his backpack.

  “I said no.” A lie; of course I wanted one, but I wasn’t about to admit that now. Especially now that he was being such a dick. No, I had to be strong this time.

  Besides this whole scene, the cigarette, him offering lines, the niceness that apparently only I could see through, was nothing but an act. And this time, I wasn’t playing a role in it.

  My blood boiled through my veins as Calvin began chopping out lines. My ears magnified each crunch of his lighter, each scratch of his razor blade. I hated being here, I hated the sight of Calvin, I hated seeing how happy Ali seemed. I felt like I was suffocating, suffocating in a room filled with air.

  “Ali, you go first,” Calvin insisted politely, handing her a cut straw.

  She shifted in front of the coffee table, tucking her legs beneath her. I watched her close one side of her nose and place the straw in the other. My nails dug into my palms, my heart pounding in my ears. My eyes darted to Calvin’s face, he was enjoying this way too much.

  My eyes dropped back to Ali. Couldn’t she feel it? Couldn’t she feel the way Calvin had been looking at her? How he’d been staring at her so intently, practically undressing her with his eyes? I could and I’d never wanted to beat the shit out of my brother more than I did right now.

  Ali handed the straw back to Calvin and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Thanks.”

  “For you, no problem,” Calvin replied, flashing her the same charming smile from the first time he’d met her.

  My stomach kno
tted, because this time, I was positive she couldn’t see through it.

  “Well, I hate to run…but,” she turned to look at me. “We have to go.”

  Calvin threw up a hand. “I get it. My little brother can be a stick in the mud sometimes,” he chuckled.

  I walked to the door and swung it open, then slammed it shut behind me. I couldn’t witness his fakeness any longer, it was sickening. I walked straight to Ali’s car and climbed into the passenger seat.

  I didn’t speak once she got in. I didn’t speak much to her the entire night. What was there to say? Ali was becoming a person I didn’t recognize and this was the first time being around her pissed me off more than I could put into words.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ali and I didn’t talk for the next two days. Every time I contemplated talking with her about the line she’d done with Calvin, I saw red. It was our first fight and no words had even been spoken. By Wednesday afternoon, the third day of us not speaking, Ali consumed my mind completely.

  After smoking my second bowl of the day, I stole a menthol from Kerri’s pack when she wasn’t looking and stepped outside. It was scorching hot out, but better than being inside with a bunch of tweakers who were just now starting to come down from a three day binge.

  I stood outside my front door, enjoying my cigarette. Before I knew it, my feet were moving and I found myself standing on Ali’s front step.

  I wiped beads of sweat from my forehead and swallowed hard. I was hot and tired, and now that I was standing here at her door, there was no point in turning back. I needed to talk to Ali. I had to explain my reasons for being so aggravated with her for doing that line with Calvin and figure out a way to make her understand I didn’t think we needed to do it ever again, without looking like a fool.

  I knocked on the door and waited. Ali’s mom answered.

  “Seth, hello,” she smiled, and I saw the resemblance between her and Ali. “Come on in.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. Carson,” I muttered, stepping inside.